Q: Dear Love Jays,
Over a year ago my boyfriend was doubting his commitment to our relationship and he briefly broke up with me (for about a month and a half) before realizing he’d made a mistake and reconciling. Things are great between us, and he is more committed than ever and we talk a lot about our future. While I do not hold any anger or sad feelings towards this part of our past, sometimes I find it hard to let go of the fact that he jumped ship because it makes me worry that he could do this again during some midlife crisis or something. I know a lot of relationships go through a break like we had.What do you guys think about this? Should I not worry because he got it out of his system?
A: Haunted by the Past,
You said it yourself “he is more committed than ever” , hold on to that. Breakups not only break the romantic relationship between two people, they also break trust as well.
I remember when Mr. J and I resumed our relationship after our break, I was on high alert. I wanted to believe everything he was saying, but I also felt that I ought to have learned from the past. It was then I noticed something, his actions actually backed up his words!
What you are experiencing is the rebuilding of your trust and lucky for you, he is aiding in that by proving to you he is trustworthy. If he hadn’t gotten it out of his system you would know. People can only hide what they are feeling inside for so long before it starts to seep from beneath the veil. You are more apt to notice if anything is off now, more so than last time because you are on guard. If your spidey sense is not setting off alarms, let it go. Do not even bother stressing about the future, he may have a midlife crisis or he may not; but who is to say how he will handle it when or if it comes. Appreciate the effort he is putting in now and just enjoy your relationship.
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Jumping Ship,
Many successful, life-long relationships experience a breakup along the way. Experiencing a breakup is never fun or easy, but it allows both parties to evaluate the relationship from a clearer lens and commit time to trying new things – going on dates, spending quality alone time, meeting new people, etc. This behavior should never be looked at as negative because some people truly may need some time to analyze if they want to remain on the path their relationship is leading them on.
I speak from 100% personal experience. As I have stated in previous posts, Miss J and I broke up for 2 months because our relationship had reached a stalemate. Both of us were unhappy and frustrated. The breakup allowed us to examine the good/bad parts of the relationship, focus on personal changes that needed to be made, go on dates with other people, and ultimately, discover the importance of happiness. The experience created a 360 degree shift in our relationship and has taken our lives to a different level.
Worrying if he is going to “jump ship” again adds zero positivity to your relationship and stymies the relationship from developing. The breakup clearly made a change in your boyfriend and added value to the future of your relationship, so why get hung up on it? Compare it to driving – It’s impossible to be a good driver if you only look through the rear-view mirror. The mirror is there to give you a reminder of what’s behind you, but focusing on what’s back there will not help you arrive at your destination. He is proving daily that he is committed to you and your future, so embrace it! Live in the moment and stop letting the future prevent you from enjoying today.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
© LoveJays 2012