Q: Dear Love Jays,
I started dating this guy within a few months of him getting out of very long term relationship. He told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship because he wanted to see what it felt like to date casually after such a long relationship. We continued to see each other and eventually I fell in love with him (because I’m a sappy girl). Within a month after I told him about my feelings he started to occasionally say “I love you too”. Eventually he decided we could enter into a monogamous relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. We dated for a year after that and then he broke up with me because he wanted to be single and play the field. 6 months after we broke up he started dating another girl “casually” (telling her the same things he told me about not wanting to be serious blah blah). They eventually went the same route of becoming monogamous because she loved him. Now he lives with her but I’m sure he still feels this need to “play the field”. What is up with him? If he wants to be single so bad why does he keep entering into these serious relationships?
A: Dear I Haven’t Let Go,
I’m not sure if I want to address your actual question or the question of why do you care about how he “feels” in another relationship. For the sake of not hurting feelings, I will answer your questions. Just know that I’m interested in knowing why you “have this feeling” and most importantly, care. Onto your questions.
It seems like your ex-boyfriend is craving the comforts of a relationship with the freedom of singlehood. It’s a common experience most men cycle through at least 783 times in their lifetime. What man doesn’t want the option to hangout or sleep with any woman who will give them the time of day? The ability to act freely with minimal responsibility or concern is attractive. Let’s not throw in the ego factor, too. The list goes on.
While the single life presents fun opportunities, it also presents a lonely reality. I have spoken with dozens of single people, many of whom enjoy the single life, yet the majority of them will agree it gets very lonely at times. Sometimes we just want the option of picking up the phone and talking to someone who genuinely cares about the most completely random and pointless activities that occur from day-to-day. We all want to be thought or cared about. It’s a natural human emotion. One of the biggest perks of having a relationship is knowing that you have someone (other than mom or dad) who can make you smile when your days are tough and who can share in your excitement when you receive some great news.
When Miss J and I split for a couple months I wanted nothing more than to experience all the “fun” opportunities the single life offered. I enjoyed it…for about 2 weeks. Yes, I was having a good time on the outside, but emotionally I couldn’t have been more lonely. I was slumping. What seemed like fun turned out to be no fun at all. The single life really isn’t all that is cracked up to be. I was warned, but I didn’t listen. I’m happy I experienced it because I am a better man for it!
Your ex-boyfriend will have to figure it out someday. It’s not possible to have the cake and eat it too. We preach it all the time – sacrifice. It’s the name of the game. In the meantime, stop worrying about him and focus on you. I’m sure there are 100,000 things you can focus your attention on. Get to gettin’!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Who Cares,
He is an indecisive man…how peculiar. Most men experience a time in their life when they can’t decide what they want and they do not know a good thing when it hits them square in the face. What’s even worse is some of them never outgrow it and it is a never ending cycle.
The reason he keeps doing the same thing over and over is because he would like to have his cake and eat it too. It has nothing to do with you or the girl he is currently with and everything to do with him needing to man up!
My advice, count your blessings because you dodged a bullet.
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012