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Can I Trust Her?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can I trust a partner who stepped out on me in an unofficial relationship and lied about it , when now we are together but she’s going back to same area for 7 months where she cheated/stepped out in the first place?

A: Dear Still Steppin’,

Stepped out in an unofficial relationship? Sounds like a slight oxymoron. I’m not trying to sound crass, but if the relationship was unofficial, what rules are expected to be followed?

Recently, Miss J and I have been hearing about more and more people bypassing “titles” in their relationships and operating in a “let’s just see how this goes” type fashion. I’m all for people composing the music to their own relationship, yet there comes a climax point when one of the parties is looking to move from a temp to a full-time employee. How much we may dislike it, there is a reason why structure, organization, and rules exist.

As for trusting a partner who continually revisits the place where she got caught up at…I’d scratch my head a few times. Does she have to visit this place on a continual basis (i.e home, school, work) or is this somewhere she goes just because? As we suggest in all of our writings, if her actions are truly bothering you and causing you to lose trust within the relationship, you must communicate those feelings. If she isn’t interested in having a conversation, your suspicions may be confirmed.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear It’s All About Trust,

I don’t know, can you? What does your gut say?

You said you were in an unofficial relationship, so technically she did not cheat. If anyone hates to say that, I do, but facts are facts. There’s no such thing as kind of committed. You either are or you aren’t.

Also, where did she “cheat”? If it’s a location she can’t help but frequent (i.e. work, parent’s neighborhood, school ect…) then you have to let bygones be bygones. If it’s somewhere she can help going (i.e. the club, local bar, random dudes house ect…) then you need to have a serious conversation.

A healthy relationship cannot exist without trust. If you are not willing to trust your partner, you should reconsider being in a relationship with them.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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Love Jays Support Marriage Equality

 

Watch this video if you are confused as to why…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0&feature=youtu.be]

 

For more awesome videos and articles click here!

Love,

J&J

 

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Love Jays on TradioV: Episode 4

Hey Love Fans!

This week’s episode is broken up into two videos. We have included a link to parts one and two below.

The show features special guest JaSheika James, one of the writers for ABC’s hit series, Revenge. We also discuss why people cheat, happiness in a relationship, match.com, sex cereal and more!

Love,

J&J

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How Do I Break Up With My Girlfriend?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been with a girl for a very long time.I really do love her, but I know I cannot be with her forever, or any longer. What was once a young fun love has turned into a chore. I am tired and frustrated with this relationship. I just don’t know HOW to break up with her, since she is so amazing to me. So what do I do and how do I do it?

Thanks,
Almost Single

A: Dear Saying Goodbye Isn’t Easy,

Breaking up with someone is never fun. Getting broken up with is even worse.

We’ve all seen the Maury Povich shows where the men are asked to take a lie detector test to prove they are innocent from cheating on their significant other. 99.1% of all the men who have ever been tested usually fail with flying colors, which then leads to the women having full emotional breakdowns on stage and telling their man the relationship is over. When the emotions are high and the proof is clear, it seems as the decision to break up is a no brainer. However, several of the couples will be featured on a follow-up show and the two will still be together!

What’s the point I’m trying to make? The reason(s) we may break up with someone vary in scale, but despite how clear the reasons are — letting go of someone you love isn’t easy.

And how am I so sure? Let’s take a trip down memory lane…

Six months into our relationship, I tried breaking up with Miss J. I attempted to explain why I didn’t want the relationship to continue, but I couldn’t get my words out. We went back-and-forth for a few and decided I wasn’t quite ready for the break up. It sounded good, but I wasn’t ready.

Fast forward to a year later — break up attempt #2. I wanted freedom and was tired of being in a relationship. This time I was able to get the words out. Miss J was clearly upset and I didn’t know what to do next. I left the room, spoke to my mother for about 30 minutes, then rescinded the break up.

Fast forward two years — break up attempt #3. We graduated college and were living 50 miles away. Every little thing was starting to bother me about Miss J…everything. I didn’t want to talk on the phone, didn’t want to text, didn’t want to see her. Like you, I was frustrated and felt like the relationship had become a chore.

At this point, I was 100% sure I didn’t want to be in this relationship any longer, yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. After two failed attempts and three years of teeter-tottering, it wasn’t until Miss J sent me an email in the early morning hours explaining her frustrations that I was finally able to actually do it. Even though I knew in my head what I wanted, it took almost the perfect setup to make happen.

The reason you don’t know how to break up with your girlfriend is because you are scared and selfish. You’re frustrated and probably a bit miserable, but releasing her to the world of millions of other men who would date her in a heartbeat isn’t something you want to feel or accept. You aren’t willing to run the risk that if the two of you break up, this very well may be the last time she will be your girlfriend.

Holding on to someone you love for selfish reasons is the worst thing you can do for both people. It’s time for the two of you to grow individually, separately. Life teaches us the best lessons through pain and difficulty; grab your pen and paper and start taking notes.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want To Get It Over With,

My father has always told me when it comes to dating either one of two things are going to happen.

  1. You Break Up.
  2. You Get Married

Once you have decided you are probably not going to marry a person or spend the rest of your life with them in any capacity, inevitably, you are going to break up. I know it’s sad, but you are not doing your girlfriend any favors by trying to spare her feelings for the moment. You are going to have to rip the band-aid off at some point, and whether it’s today or two months from now, it is still going to hurt.

You said she is amazing to you, if you really want to do her a favor let her go. Tell her you care for her and you don’t want to hurt her, but her love deserves reciprocity and that’s not something you can offer.

Love,

Miss J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ26gAc7BtU]

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Sex First, Love Second

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you think true love will transpire from a relationship started on strictly sex?

A: Dear Sex First, Relationship Second,

Contrary to popular belief, a relationship started on strictly sex has the ability to transform into one built on love, trust and understanding. Would I bet the house on it? No. Do I believe the majority of relationships that are rooted in just sex will eventually fail? Yes. However, just because we start something one way doesn’t always mean it will finish the same way.

We’ve written about sex numerous times in the past and we can agree sex plays in an important role in any sexually active relationship. Did you catch that? An important role. As defined by the lovely dictionary app on my Macbook, role is defined as “the function assumed or part played by a person or thing in a particular situation”.

Function assumed. Part played.

The definition clearly suggests that a role does not make up the entirety, therefore sex shouldn’t make up the entirety of a relationship. “Sex-only” relationships are typically characteristic of people who are unwilling or afraid to embrace the other roles needed to maintain a healthy and successful relationship. And guess what happens when you have two people who are unwilling to do the “other stuff”? You guessed correctly — a shoddy relationship at best.

Fortunately for us, we are all humans and have the ability to change. If both parties (yes, BOTH PARTIES) are willing to move sex from the forefront of their relationship and develop the other necessary components of a relationship, true love can transpire. Be sure to prepare yourself for a looooooong and bumpy ride! 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Sex Before Love,

In today’s day and age, it is not uncommon to have sex with a person before actually getting to know them. Just as we have emotional needs, we also have physical needs. Sometimes a person intended to fill a physical need can surprise you with their ability to fill your emotional needs as well.

As a woman, I can see how it could be pretty simple to make the transition from friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend. Whether you want to admit it or not, sex is an emotional experience for us. Even if we think we have shut off the emotional switch, every time you lay down with a man you are opening the emotional flood gates just a bit.

Men operate differently. It’s a little easier for them to separate physical pleasure from emotional desires. I hate to say it, but because of this fun fact, once women give what Steve Harvey calls “The Cookie” away, they are at a disadvantage. Men are motivated by sex. It’s not even all about the act, half the time it’s about the mystery. What does that women really look like, feel like, smell like ect…Once the mystery is gone so is the motivation.

It’s no secret that sex confuses things. Is it possible to have a true, loving relationship with the foundation being just sex? Absolutely. However, it is not probable. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013