February 2013 - Love Jays – Married Millennials™

February 28, 2013April 7, 2016

Online Dating?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you feel about online dating?

A: Dear Love Online,

If you asked me this question a couple of years ago I probably would have said something like, “why would you sign up for a site when you can just go hang out somewhere and meet someone?” When you are in college, or in any type of school you are exposed to new faces all of the time.I didn’t understand how hard it is to meet people, especially when you are working all day every day.

Technology has found a way to work itself into most aspects of our lives, why not let it play a role in the dating game? I think it’s okay to meet someone online, but I do think that it is important to practice the following technique:

Make sure they are not a crazy person.
Make sure they are who they say they are.
Meet them in person (you don’t want to get Manti Te’od)
Meet in a public place-a very very public place
Go with your gut. Just because you meet someone through a site and everything lines up on paper does not mean you are going to have a magical connection in person. Know when to leave good enough alone.

Other than that, I think dating online will have a similar if not the same results as meeting someone at the local library. You will either like them and you will keep seeing each other or you wont. Just stay smart and be safe.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Internet Lovin’,

Technology has paved the way for humans to develop connections with friends or complete strangers in just about every way. It’s very easy to spend a couple of hours surfing through various different social media platforms and come across people who may catch our eye. If you love pictures or sharing thoughts in 140 characters or less, Twitter or Instagram #hashtags may connect you with people who have similar interests and hobbies. If those aren’t your thing, head on over to Facebook and scroll through your news feed or view a friends’ photo album hoping (intentionally or unintentionally) to stumble across one of their friends who “looks good”. If you haven’t done this at least once since creating an account, you’re lying.

What do all of these social media sites have in common? Each of them allow their users to directly communicate with one another; built-in messaging systems make introductions easy to whomever we see fit and give hope to those too afraid to speak with someone in person. And if you want to kick it up a notch, create a profile on one of the dozens of online dating sites.

Match.com. E-Harmony. Plenty of Fish. OkCupid. Zoosk. The list goes on.

The possibilities for meeting a potential love interest on the internet are virtually limitless and if you choose to go this route, I don’t see anything wrong. And neither should you or anyone else! The path to love is different for everyone and technology has only created more paths in finding it. As with everything on the internet, it’s important to exercise caution and a bit of common sense; the last thing you want is an appearance on the Katie Couric show explaining your Catfish story.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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February 27, 2013April 7, 2016

Unconditional Love Part 3-My Conclusion

Love.Love. Love. Easy to feel and hard to understand. It’s a simple yet complex emotion and often over analyzed. Love is love. Period.

I originally began writing about the existence of unconditional love about a month ago. (Check out Unconditional Love Parts 1 and 2 here) I couldn’t bring myself to write a conclusion because I didn’t have one yet, but now I do so here it is.

Unconditional love DOES exist.

1. I know for a fact God loves me unconditionally. How do I know this? Because good things keep happening, despite my flawed human behavior my prayers are still answered. And I love him back, so that’s that.

2. My parents love me unconditionally. They just do and always will.

3. I love my parents unconditionally. I just do and always will.

4. I love my family and those I consider family unconditionally. I just do and always will.

With that being said I realized one thing. The condition is not love, it’s like. Love does not have conditions, you love someone or you don’t. There are various types of love, but love is love. I think when people start to experience a different type of love they think they have fallen out of love when really they have just transitioned into a different type of love.

“What about hate?” you say, “Certainly you can’t love someone you hate.”

I shall give you the gift of my favorite quote on the subject matter.

“Isn’t hate merely the result of wounded love?” -Amy Tan

When you ‘hate’ someone you are experiencing wounded love. Still love, anyway you spin it.

Moving on…

After coming to this conclusion I was still wondering what I was feeling when I just absolutely did not like a person. Then it dawned on me… LIKE! That’s the answer! the opposite of like is dislike (obviously). So basically my understanding is this: You love some people and others you have never loved; but whether or not you like or dislike them it has nothing to do with love lost or gained. ‘Like’ is a different emotion with its own category and it is indeed completely conditional.

Love and Like,

Miss J

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February 26, 2013April 7, 2016

She Needs to Back Off!

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We go to a few of the get-togethers that my friends have and everyone knows we are a couple. There is this girl who is not necessarily a friend of mine, but is a friend of a friend who is typically around in these social settings. I never had a problem with her, but lately I have noticed how she tries to get my boyfriend’s attention A LOT. There were times I noticed it and brushed it off because I trust my boyfriend, and also, I don’t want to be “that one” who thinks every female wants her man. The first time I noticed it I laughed because I couldn’t believe she was being extra, but then the next time it happened it was so blatantly obvious.

I guess my question is how do we deal with this kind of person. For me, the respect level is lacking and that’s where the frustrating part is coming from.

Dear Flirting With My Man,

Miss J told me loooong ago that women are naturally attracted to committed men. She went on to explain several reasons why this is indeed true, all of which made perfectly good sense. We have revisited the conversation a few times over the course of our relationship and it has helped make me more aware of womanly intentions.

Men love getting attention from women, myself included. Better yet, we all love getting attention from the opposite sex. Women just do a MUCH better job of explaining they aren’t interested or keeping it more low-key. The second option isn’t the recommended choice, but let’s not pretend we are all innocent.

Although we may dismiss some actions as just “friendly” or “playful”, most men can identify when a woman is looking to quench her thirst. The problem isn’t that we aren’t able to decipher such actions; the problem is that we often choose to ignore these signs which then lead to conflicts, arguments and hurt feelings.

“I, Mr. J, acknowledge my guilt and thank Miss J for communicating her feelings each and EVERY time.”

Advice on how handling these type of people?

Acknowledge their intentions.
Explain their intentions to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend to exercise common sense.
Check your boyfriend or girlfriend when they fail to exercise common sense.
Repeat steps 1-4

Cheers!

Mr. J

Dear Unwelcome Attention,

Men are more attractive when taken. I personally do not find myself extra attracted to a man who already has a woman, but many females do. I think it has something to do with knowing that man has the ability to be in a committed relationship. Very twisted way of thinking if you ask me, but hey, it is what it is.

Unfortunately, you cannot do anything to control what is going on outside of your relationship, but you do have a say for what goes on inside of your relationship. If this girl is really a problem speak to your boyfriend about it. Let him know you are not jealous and you trust him completely; however, her lack of respect for your relationship is bothersome. This is where the teamwork aspect of the relationship comes in. Once you bring her behavior to his attention you two can come up with a way to deal with her together.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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February 21, 2013April 7, 2016

Dating a Higher Up

Q: Hi, Love Jays!

How do you feel about dating co-workers, especially ones that are higher up than you? I’ve been flirting a lot with someone that I work with and it constantly feels like we are dancing around this line that we know we probably shouldn’t cross but want to. Any advice?

A: Dear Dating a Higher Up,

‘Tis the season for dating in the workplace!

I’ll get right to my thoughts and spare you of another long winded intro about the same topic we answered a few hours prior in a different post.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace and don’t think any less of those who use work as their primary feeding ground to pick up men or women. It’s easy and convenient; completely understand. On the flip side, I encourage people to exercise caution when deciding to date one of their co-workers, especially if they have a direct influence over you.

Say the two of you started dating, things go south, then he/she uses their position to make your job a nightmare. Would you be okay with such a consequence? It’s easy to overlook the negative outcomes when we’re blinded by our emotions.

Be honest with yourself. Do you enjoy working at your job? Can you see yourself here for many years? Are you willing to risk ruining a possible promotion? Does everyone know each other’s business? These are the types of questions you have to answer when deciding if the two you should start dating. If you weighed out the pros/cons and it feels like the right thing to do, go for it!

YOLO, right?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Should I Date My Co-Worker,

To avoid being way to0 repetitive for one day, I will simply say “What Mr. J said.” 🙂

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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February 21, 2013April 7, 2016

He’s My Co-Worker and He Might Have a Girlfriend…

Q: Dear Love Jays,

We all know the old adage:”Don’t shit where you eat.” But things are changing, right? Dating co-workers is… kind of okay, right? There’s this guy that I’ve recently started talking to and we’ve been working together on a couple of projects lately. On these projects, he’s a little bit more of my superior. Is that okay to date him? Also, he might possibly have a girlfriend. What is there to lose but at the same time, how invested do I really get?

A: Dear Co-Worker with a Girlfriend…Maybe,

I am going to keep this short and sweet. You said, “he might possibly have a girlfriend”. Stop there. Does he have a girlfriend, yes or no? That is a very important piece of information. If he does, you have everything to lose. I am going to tell you what a wise woman once told me. How you get a man is how you lose a man. You are more than welcome to be his friend, but have respect for his relationship. If you feel you are unable to do so, cease-fire.

Moving on, In my current workplace several of my co-workers are married and they met while working here. A workplace relationship can definitely work. With that said, if you are just looking for a fling/good time I would caution against it.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

A:Dear Dating in the Workplace,

Dating one of your co-workers is commonly frowned upon and often discouraged. Our place of employment is somewhere we go to make a decent living, improve upon our skill sets, and possibly make some new friends.

I’m sure we have all been told at one point or another to keep our work life and personal life separate; however, I find it a bit unrealistic to ask people to avoid letting the 40-50+ hours we spend with other people not to have some cross influence. I definitely agree there’s a definitive line of what we should/shouldn’t discuss with our co-workers nor fall victim into believing everyone we work with is a friend, but let’s acknowledge the simple fact that our work life and personal life aren’t 100% independent from one another.

Onto my opinion.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace, but if the person we are interested in dating has a direct influence on our day-to-day job and responsibilities, I would caution against it. Regardless of how “cool” our supervisors act or how laxed the work environment is designed, our place of employment is a business and we should exercise good sense when making certain decisions. How does the old saying go? “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” It’s very possible the two of you could end up dating without it negatively effecting your work situation, but you would be doing yourself a disservice by not assessing the consequences on both sides.

Oh, and to answer your question on what is there to lose…your job, maybe? Just a thought. It’s extreme and unlikely, I understand. Still, it’s something to think about! One more thing…let’s not forget to acknowledge the possibility that he may have a girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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February 20, 2013April 7, 2016

Support During a Transition

August 18, 2011.

I was scanning my closet with the biggest smile on my face.

“What color should I wear?”

“I’ll were this one…never mind. I’ll keep it simple and wear this shirt.”

“Which tie looks best?

After 5-10 minutes of back-and-forth debate with my mother, I had finally picked out the outfit I would wear on my first day to work.

August 19, 2011.

It was a Friday, weather was great; I was scheduled to work a half-day. My nerves were all over the place, yet I was excited to embark on this new journey of adulthood and success. A few weeks had passed and I was slowly gaining a better understanding of my job responsibilities, rules to follow, and all that other “9-5” business stuff.

December 3, 2011.

I passed my 90-day review with flying colors and saved enough money to move out of my parent’s house into my very first place! Just seven months removed from college, I was working as an Admissions Counselor at a top-tier, highly selective university and was living on my own. I was officially a “grown up”.

My friends and family were proud of my accomplishments and I was able to do just about anything I wanted, within reason. If I wanted to spend $100 on a date, I didn’t think twice about it. Christmas? I couldn’t wait to spoil my family!

April 3, 2012.

I received an email from a college friend who was looking to see if I would be interested in starting a business with him. I wasn’t much of a business guy (didn’t take one business course in college), yet I wanted to hear more about the opportunity. For the next couple months, we scheduled a few meetings and exchanged several emails and phone calls.

As more and more time passed, I was starting to consider leaving my job and pursing this full-time. I was met with some backlash from friends and family when I ran this idea by them, but I brushed it off and came to a decision I felt was best.

June 24, 2012.

I walked into my supervisor’s office and handed her my notice. Easily one of the hardest decisions I have made. It caught her by surprise and she was visibly disappointed and bummed. We spoke for a few minutes and I headed back to my desk.

Relieved? Eager? Excited? Scared? Probably a mixture of all these plus a few more. I spent the next couple of weeks tying up any loose ends and packed up my apartment.

July 13, 2012.

My last day. It finally hit me. Was I really walking away from a full-time job and my own place to start a business? It’s easier to take risks when you’re young, so I hid my nerves and celebrated with my colleagues before leaving the suite one last time.

Another chapter in life was about to close. Two more chapters were set to begin.

What is the second chapter I speak of? Scroll through to the beginning of the blog and you will discover this was the day Love Jays was born.

July 14, 2012.

I was completely moved out of my apartment and now residing in a large home with 7 other people. Two were my business partners, one was a friend of my business partner, and the other four were entrepreneurs eager to get their businesses off the ground.

What did I just get myself into? Turning back was no longer an option. I was determined to prove everyone who doubted me wrong.

October 12, 2012.

Our mobile application launches in the Apple App Store and we are thrilled. Four months of hard work had finally paid dividend.

It was a breath of fresh air.

We weren’t experiencing too many victories in that four-month span, so it was nice to finally get one under our belt.

November 2, 2012.

A knock at the door. I answer.

“Are you serious? Okay, let me get my business partner.”

We had just been informed the house we were occupying foreclosed and the people at the door were with the new buyers.

Millions of thoughts rushed through my mind. I began to question if I made the right decision. I was warned, but I didn’t listen. Is this what startup life is like? What’s going to happen next? Where are we going to live?

We continued forward and tried to ignore the distractions.

February 8, 2013.

Move out day.

Am I really moving again? Where will I go next? Did I make the wrong decision?

February 15, 2013.

My business partner schedules a meeting to discuss the future of our company.

As I’m driving to the location, I fear the worst.

We meet for an hour and my fears are confirmed. We are completely out of money and it’s time to start pursuing a different path.

Speechless. Confused. Disappointed. Failure.

February 20, 2013.

The last seven months have been quite eventful. I’ve experienced a few highs, quite a few lows; met some great friends and learned more about myself.

Some may argue I failed; I would argue that learning valuable life lessons are in direct opposition of failure.

I’m not quite sure what I’ll do next, but there is one thing I am certain about…

Miss J’s love and support.

It’s a blessing to have someone who is there to celebrate your highs and provide comfort when you’re feeling low. Miss J could have easily discouraged me from leaving my job as an Admissions Counselor to pursue the very unstable entrepreneurial lifestyle, yet she stood firm in my corner and encouraged my leap of faith. When it didn’t turn out the way we expected and everything around me seemed to be crumbling down, my relationship with Miss J continued to grow stronger.

Offering support to a friend or loved one during a time of transition isn’t always easy; it requires a selfless spirit and an abundance of love. But as someone who is experiencing such a transition, I can assure you it’s an act appreciated beyond words.

We have all been assigned a different mission in life. Some have been called to lead great businesses or practice medicine; others have been called to teach, to write, to dance, to sing or to serve. Though are journeys in life may look wildly different, we are united in our call to love and support each other.

Thank you to everyone for your continued love and support.

Love,

Mr. J