In this week’s episode, we were joined by the Christelyn Karazin, founder of Beyond Black & White. We discussed Jason Collins and homosexuality, the friend zone, interracial dating, dating in the black community, and the development of the “new black woman”.
Love,
J&J
I’ve been raised to be a gentleman and always pay for a lady. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and lately she’s been making it a point to pay. Even getting upset when I pay before she has a chance to. To be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to let her pay for me. She tells me I need to get over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel as if people are looking at me like I’m a dead beat when she pulls out her card and I just sit there. Any words of advice?
A: Dear Let Me Pay For It,
The majority of men and women will agree it is the man’s responsibility to pay for his lady. And just like the majority, I agree with this principle…sort of. Now before all the women get ready to take off their heels and earrings in preparation to attack a brotha, let me explain.
I’m fully aware it is my responsibility to take care of Miss J. Regardless if you are single or in a committed relationship, it is our duty as men to respect, protect, and uplift the women around us. I’ll spare you from going deeper on this topic, but if you want a more in-depth look on my feelings about the value of women, I strongly suggest you read an entry I posted a few months back.
Where was I? Right, men taking care of women.
What does taking care of women even suggest? It doesn’t literally mean providing everything like you would for a child, instead it simply means man should consciously strive to support his woman emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially the best way possible. I’ve spoken with many married couples and they all agree: relationships are not 50/50, 60/40 or even 70/30 – they are 100/100! Therefore, women share equal part responsibility in providing and caring for their man, as he would for her.
It pays no dividend getting caught up in traditional gender roles because tradition doesn’t address equality. Tradition argues women are “less than” men and belong at home with kids making sure everything is prepared when he comes home; however, ask any Fortune 500 company who have women in power positions and I’d be willing to bet ALL would agree each of them are vital in their success.
Having a woman who isn’t ashamed to pull out her own money and pay for her man is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of support and recognition. She isn’t trying to embarrass you are make you feel less of a man; she is acknowledging that societal pressures don’t have to dictate her actions. She has worked hard to earn her money, so let her do what she would like with her money. And if that means she wants to buy you dinner one night, who are you to stop her?
Who cares if people are looking at you like a deadbeat. Are you dating the people sitting at the next table over? Do they know anything about your relationship? That’s what I figured.
A deadbeat wouldn’t offer to pull out his wallet at every meal nor would he submit this question. You probably have a good woman on your team, so don’t let your ego put you in a position for which you aren’t prepared.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear I Just Want to Pay,
Traditionally the man is supposed to pay the bill; it is the sign of a true gentleman. However, it is 2013 and while the old traditions are great it is also okay to make some room for new traditions.
You have been dating for over a year and your girlfriend has now challenged (what you feel to be) your manhood. Perfectly understandable. You say it makes you uncomfortable, not because you feel like you really want to provide for her; but because you feel as if others are judging you for not paying. My advice? Don’t worry about what other people are thinking. How the bill gets paid is up to you guys. You can’t worry about how others perceive her paying for the bill. It’s none of their business.
Now, let’s try to figure out what is going on in her head. Did anything happen around the time she began wanting to pay for things? A raise at work on her end or pay decrease on yours? Has she been trying to express independence in any other aspects in her life?
Society is going through a major transitional phase and as a result the message to women right now is be independent, but let men handle everything. Work hard, but if you marry right you won’t have to work THAT hard or at all. Make enough money to support yourself, but you shouldn’t have to. You get my point, the message is stuck somewhere between the old way and whatever the new way will be.
My guess is that your girlfriend, like a lot of us, is just trying to break the mold of what society says women are supposed to be. In the process she is also breaking the mold of what society says men should be and the problem is you don’t want your mold broken.
I do not think you need to “get over it” in regards to her paying all the time. If she wants to be an equal, her paying all the time does not solve that problem. Can she pay sometimes? Sure. Can you pay sometimes? Absolutely. You guys need to talk and come up with a middle ground. There is no way for her to pay the entire bill and for you to pay the entire bill at the same time. Something has got to give. Your best bet is probably to split the bill each time. You will both be a little bit out of your comfort zone, but that’s what you do when you are in a relationship. You compromise.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2013
A few months ago, Miss J wrote an entry addressing the different ways men approach women in hopes of getting their number. Miss J couldn’t have been more spot on with her analysis and her post even inspired two of our readers to create their own blog! It has easily been the most popular entry on our site, so in honor of Miss J’s great work, I feel like it’s time to offer a rebuttal addressing the ladies!
Men have always been accused of trying to make a pass on women every time we open our mouth. Regardless if we are at the bar with a few friends or grocery shopping, the moment we try to engage in conversation – women think we have a bag of tricks up our sleeves. Well, as Barack Obama eloquently stated dozens of times in the presidential debate last night, “It’s just not true!”
Women – I love you, but stop fooling yourselves into believing that every man who tries speaking with you has intentions on “getting yo numbah” or praying that you will join them in their bed tonight. Have you ever considered the simple fact that we just actually want to talk? Believe it or not, women aren’t the only species on earth who enjoy talking. We love attention, especially from women, so it’s often nice to engage in a nice conversation with an intelligent woman. These conversations can range anywhere from a couple of seconds to several minutes, yet it still doesn’t insinuate we are left wanting or expecting more than a casual exchange of words.
On the flip side, there are definitely men who are looking to approach women for all the wrong reasons. But let’s face it, we aren’t as confident as we claim when approaching you. Yes, we may try to be big and bad with the guys, but often times we are nervous and don’t want to be rejected. Our fear of rejection often stymies any hopes of successfully approaching a women and typically leaves us sitting there with our friends falling into Miss J’s category 4. However, there are certainly occasions when our confidence is booming and ready to conquer the world, yet the women just don’t quite fit the mold.
What makes a woman fall into this category? It differs for every person, but let’s take a look at a few scenarios…
1. The “I’m the flyest person in here” woman.
Yes – the whole venue is aware that you have arrived. Unfortunately, the attitude you walked in has captured more of my attention than your beauty. It’s okay to be fly, but tone it down a bit.
2. The “Are you going to buy me a drink” woman.
Ooooooh, so you thought because I said hello you were entitled to a drink? How does water on the rocks sound? Your implication of expecting a drink has already spoke volumes of the type of person you are…next!
3. The “I’m trying too hard to dance correctly” woman.
Please stop running your fingers through your hair while making awkward faces and excuse yourself from the dance floor. If you can’t dance, no need to highlight your worst abilities – just enjoy the music and slowly feel the beat from your seat.
4. The “Too good to be out” woman.
You and I are in the same place, so please remove the look of superiority from your face. If you were going to look every person up and down with disgust, then why did you even come? You, your sparkle-covered iPhone and your Louis purse are contaminating the air.
5. The “My friend thinks you’re hot” woman.
Hot? I’m grown. Thank you for the compliment, but I’ll pass. Also, sending your friend to do the legwork isn’t the best strategy.
6. The “Too perfect to approach” woman.
You are the perfect blend of sexiness and sophistication, yet I’m too intimidated to even speak. Your beauty is captivating, but I can’t find any ounce of courage to say hello. I have convinced myself I don’t have a chance, so I’ll stare from afar and imagine what could have been.
Ladies, help us out! Every word leaving our mouth is not a setup to something greater, so enjoy the conversation and laugh along with us. Try it out – you may be surprised to see just how many respectable men are out there!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?
A: Dear Loaded Question,
When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.
Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear In the Long Term,
I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.
There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?
The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.
Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!
Love,
Miss J
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When I am driving alone it is not uncommon for me to turn off my music and just let my thoughts flow. I was on my way to meet my family at a theme park this Sunday after church and on the drive over, I could not stop thinking about how much I truly appreciated Mr. J.
He is kind, thoughtful, encouraging, supportive, loving, my best friend and just all around awesome. The whole ride I was counting my blessings and thinking about how thankful I am for him.
As fate would have it, while in the theme park, my dad, two of my twenty-something female cousins and I were talking about relationships. My father expressed how important it is to sit a man down and tell him how much you appreciate everything he does to contribute to your relationship. My first thought was “Well that’s not a problem, I always let my man know he is appreciated.” My second thought was, “Wait, when was the last time I actually said it to him instead of thinking it to myself?” I literally could not remember. I say I love you all of the time; I also let him know how I feel about him individually and about us as a couple, but I do not tell him how grateful I am for all his contributions enough.
As women we often feel we need to be on the receiving end of praise, after all men are the unappreciative half of our species…right? Wrong. A vital part of love is showing and stating your appreciation for one another. It is not enough to just think it and be happy on the inside knowing you have a keeper. It is information worth sharing! Shout it from the rooftops, tell all your friends, jump on Oprah’s couch; but most importantly look your significant other in the eye and let them know how much you notice and appreciate all they do.
My father’s quote of the day was this, “It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it.”
Now I know the phrase “don’t put a woman on a pedestal” comes to mind right away; I had to really think about what he was trying to say too. What it means to me is that women deserve to be held at the highest regard and every need should be met to the best of that man’s ability. In turn, the effort of the man should never go unnoticed by the woman if he is trying his best. Being from the new school, I would like to change it to this: “ It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it AND vice-versa.” 😉
When I saw Mr. J Sunday night I told him exactly what I appreciated about him, and guess what? He was happy! I noticed and cared enough to say something about it! So there you have it, SAY SOMETHING, you won’t be sorry you did.
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
Do men get turned-on or turned-off to have a woman approach them?
A: Dear Go Getta’
Women approaching men…I am all over the place when it comes to this practice. If you are a woman and there is a man you have had your sights on throughout the day or night, I completely understand your desire and urge to introduce yourself. What I don’t understand is why you feel the need to approach the man? There could be many answers to this question, but I believe this is the most important question to ask. I will admit that men are progressively becoming worse at approaching women and a surprising amount of men are nervous to approach women, so they sit back with their fingers crossed hoping a woman, such as yourself, will approach them and kick start the conversation.
If a man has been making eye contact with you since you walked in the door, yet didn’t get up to approach you, what does that say about him? It’s one of two options: He is not interested or he is scared. Both seem like good enough reasons to refrain from introducing yourself!
On the flip side, if you have been trying to get the attention of a man who obviously has not seen or acknowledged your presence, I kind-of sort-of, maybe understand why you would approach him. If you decide to introduce yourself, more power to you!
As for men being turned-on/off when a woman approaches them, it’s a crap shoot. I truly believe every man will react differently in each situation. Personally speaking, I wouldn’t be swayed either direction. Men are always up for a good conversation, but just as women don’t like thirsty men, real men don’t like thirsty women. Happy dating!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
Dear Allow Me to Introduce Myself,
When it comes to the first encounter I think you have to leave it to the boys. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great you have enough confidence to approach them yourself, but I am guessing you also want a man that goes after what he wants.
Think of it this way, if someone gives you $100 you are more likely to spend it more frivolously than had you put in hours to work for the $100. Men need to work for it or they are less invested. Let him approach you, but in turn make sure you are approachable. If you really are interested do not hesitate to give him the “eyes” and the “nod”; you know what to do 🙂
Love,
Miss J
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