We’ve all been there. You were cruising along, not a care in the world when BAM! You get hit by reality. I was in my first semester of sophomore year at University, in my dance clothes, sitting on a bench in front of the science building, staring at a fountain while on the phone with my mother. I wasn’t happy. I was complaining about my experience in school thus far. The dance department wasn’t what I thought it would be and neither were the students on campus. I knew it wasn’t going to be the most diverse experience, but I never expected it to be as isolating as it was. This was higher education, and I hated it.
Upon hearing this, my mother didn’t say what I thought I needed her to say at the time. Instead of telling me it would all be okay, she opted to tell me all the sacrifices she and my father were making in order to allow me to have the experience I loathed so much. She also told me that they would love to sacrifice less, so if I was really that unhappy, I could always transfer. She was right, I could have, but I didn’t. I stayed because I thought it was the least I could do. I stayed because I heard it was going to prepare me for the real world. I stayed because I needed to practice misery, gradually, so that one day, I wouldn’t even notice the feeling anymore.
So stayed I did, for the full four years, and I was absolutely miserable. I could not WAIT to leave. I lacked guidance and although I searched for a mentor, I never found a good fit. I had strong will with no direction and lost almost every battle I tried to fight.
I thought I was teaching myself to be grateful for sacrifices others made for me, to endure misery as a means to a rewarding end and to pick battles I couldn’t win to develop thick skin. What I really taught myself is that it’s okay to exist in a state of resentment. I taught myself that my happiness doesn’t matter as long as it’s sacrificed for something I deem as the greater good and that maybe I wasn’t meant to win battles.
I taught myself wrong.
Now, I know discontent acts as a compass. If the arrow is pointed towards stagnation, then I need to move, stat!
I know complaining is the denial of responsibility. By refusing this responsibility, I relinquish my power and miss the opportunity to make a change.
I know resentment is often the result of letting myself down. I have to trust in my gut and always go towards what I believe to be the right decision.
I know although sacrifices may have been made on my behalf with a particular goal in mind, the ultimate goal was to put me in a position in which I could truly thrive. That’s the debt I owe. There is no reason to tolerate misery for something I don’t even want.
I know some battles are lost and others are won, but in the end, the battle I refuse to lose, is the fight for living the life I choose.
xoxo,
JOY
I’d love to know what lessons you’ve had to unlearn. Please leave a comment below and share your story!
