Q: Dear Love Jays,
I am in a new relationship. We have been dating for about 4 months now. My bf has a past of being a ladies’ man and male dancer. Of course, this was something he mentioned after we had been dating for 3 months. Anyways, on his social media at least before we met, he would have pictures shirtless and showing his tats. I guess what you would expect a male stripper to have which women commenting.
When I first added him on Instagram (IG), I mentioned his postings to him over the phone and he laughed it off. Based off his posts and who he is in real life, it almost seemed like a completely different person. Now since he met me, all that has changed and his hyper sexualized pics and sayings on IG stopped . Now on his IG, majority of his pics are of us or he’ll have pictures of me. He’s friends will like it and so will the ladies… He def acknowledges me on this social media sites. So… as a woman I see him doing all the right things and putting in effort to make the relationship work. He has changed 360 and everyone who knows him can tell. We are now saying the “L” word and I am in love with him. His past is what I’m working on trying to accept because I am a traditional type of girlfriend. Plus it’s just strange to think I’m in love with a former stripper o.0 . I wonder if he really did change sincerely.
Enough of the back story, Ok so the reason why I need your advice is, that I asked for the password to his Facebook. I just feel like he’s living this double life and I don’t know about. He asked for mine and I gave him mine. Last night I did a little snooping and though there wasn’t any recent flirting going on… I saw a lot of messages with random women and A lot of FLIRTING. Now today when I tried to log on his FB, he changed the password. To me, that says red flag. I just don’t see why a person would do that? Is he really who he says he is? Should I really trust a person 100% when he was a male dancer and flexed his body all over the internet? I just want to feel like I know him 100%… who he was before he met me. I don’t know I’m so infatuated with knowing but I just don’t want to get hurt.
Sincerely,
Miss Is He True??
A: Dear I Need To Snoop In Order To Trust,
Your man was male stripper. You either accept it, or you don’t. I will say, it is a bit unfair he waited so long to tell you. I think that’s important information to have when getting in a relationship. Not because you need to know in order to judge him, but because you need to decide whether or not that’s something you can handle from the beginning. I am not going to lie and say I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you right away; he has probably had his fair share of girls who have run for the hills after he shared his occupation.
Now onto your question, snooping through his social media is not going to give you a look into his soul. It is not going to help you know him 100% anymore than looking into his left shoe would. It will however, invade his privacy and cause unnecessary issues. Think about it, did it really help your relationship to see all his old messages of him flirting with other women? Every woman has snooped before, but to ask to have permanent access to his page is intrusive. It’s not shady that he changed his password on you; he did not have to give it to you in the first place.
The only way to know someone “100%” on a relationship level is if they are open with you and you are open with them. It also requires trust, which you are lacking. Trust is a risk, hence why a lot of people have trust issues. Like any risk, sometimes the leap of faith you take rewards you and other times it comes back to bite you in the a**. Your choice.
Love,
Miss J
Dear In Love With A Former Male Stripper,
When I read the opening three sentences of this question, I just knew I was going to be in for a good surprise. I was waiting for you to say that you caught him stripping at a private party and all hell broke loose! Though this story didn’t end in a plot fitting for a Hollywood movie, your experience with social media causing problems in a relationship is widely shared.
Social media is the gateway to the world. It’s home to endless conversations and debates connecting people all with a simple click. It’s power is notorious. One #hashtag can connect millions of people who otherwise may have never been connected. For all the reasons social media is good, it can also land us in hot water. Employers are checking our accounts during the hiring process, law enforcement monitors it for clues that may solve a crime, sponsors are dropping their clients for saying too much; the list goes on.
While these cases carry a much stronger effect, the freedom of connecting to just about anyone can tempt even the strongest to engage in some “flirty” conversations. I’m not here to defend or provide a cop-out for those participating in such conversations; I’m only here to recommend using caution when engaging on your social media accounts. With all that said, our social media accounts are OUR accounts and asking another for their password to “do a little snooping” is out of line. Momma always said if you go looking for trouble, you will surely find it. If him changing his password is a red flag, what would you call yourself asking for his password?
Miss J and I have been together over 5 years and neither of us have ever asked for the passwords to each other’s personal accounts. We respect each other’s space and understand the importance of having things that are your own. If you are having difficulty accepting and trusting his past, there isn’t much he can do to change your mind. You willfully made the decision to date a former stripper; consequently, you are going to have deal with some things you may not like.
Freedom of choice is the beauty of life. Each choice yields a different result; it’s on us to decide what we are willing or unwilling to accept.
Love,
Mr. J
© LoveJays 2013
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