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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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The Truth About Guy Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping you guys could give a little advice about space in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are 22 and have been together a little over a year. We love each other very much and have already decided we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together.

I understand it’s healthy for there to be some space in a relationship and my boyfriend has said he would like some more space, some more “me” time and time with his friends. 

I’m having a little bit of a hard time giving it to him and I’m not sure why, or how to let go a little and give him what he wants. I’m also not completely comfortable with the ways that he wants to spend his “me” time (clubs with his very single friends, bars, parties and beer pong until 3 a.m., etc)

I trust him (he hasn’t given me reason not to, I love him), I’m just not comfortable with the situations he chooses to put himself in I guess. Help? Please! 

A: Dear I Trust my Man, but…,

Attention Ladies: Any time a man asks for more space or more “me” time, it typically means he is unhappy with the current status of the relationship and is likely talking with his boys about how irritated he has been, yet isn’t going to end it despite all reckless attempts to convince his friends he is “ready to be single”.

Why am I so sure of this? Well, I was making the same request a few years back in my relationship with Miss J. Though men have the ability to talk with the best of ‘em, we aren’t great communicators – especially when it comes to our relationship and feelings. It’s fair to say we are immature when it comes to expressing what’s on our mind. We would much rather refer to the go to “I just need some me time” instead of sitting our lady down and being upfront on how we feel. Grant it, I’m not sure many ladies want to hear what a man is really feeling…I’ll stop right there. But seriously, let’s not front!

You have convinced yourself that you “trust” him, but it’s clear that you are unhappy with the situation. In the perfect world, he would sit you down and explain to you how he is feeling, but as I explained earlier, it’s not going to happen. Therefore, it’s going to fall on you (unfair – I completely understand) to have an open conversation discussing why he feels he needs “more space” and how you feel in regards to his requests. Just be sure to NOT get upset when he starts expressing himself – I guarantee it will cause 100x more issues! Oh, one more thing – be prepared to have at least 5 more conversations pertaining to this same point. It’s not going to change overnight, but it’s important to frequently discuss it because if not, your relationship could take a sharp turn right, quickly!

I’m sure I violated “man-code” by writing this response, but I’m only speaking from experience. Fellas – our ladies aren’t stupid! When we are feeling a certain kind of way, let’s try talking instead of running. It will save you plenty of headaches and nagging conversations!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Space for What? 

 “Space” is such a vague word. The first thing that came to my mind was what does he need space for and what kind of space? Is it physical space, emotional space, space away from you in general, or “guy time” space? Your first order of business is to answer those questions and act accordingly.

 If he is serious and committed to your relationship, I am sure he can avoid frequenting places that involve drunk men and women with impaired judgement.

 It is wonderful you trust your man, as you should considering he has not given you a reason not to. However, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. He needs to respect the fact you are not okay with how he is spending his “me” time and you need to respect the fact he has to have an outlet outside of the relationship.

 Let me clarify, he is entitled to spend his “me” time however he chooses, but what he does on your time and his, should always be in the best interest of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation about it. If he respects you, he will accept your feelings as valid and scale back. This does not mean going out with the guys to the bar/club is completely off limits, it just means it does not have to be as often.  Now if he is resistant and wants to continue to go out no matter what the cost, that my friend is what I call a warning sign. It’s a last attempt to not commit. He can be in a relationship, but as long as he gets to walk like a single man and talk like a single man, he gets to feel like a single man…even if it’s only for a couple hours on the weekend. It doesn’t mean he is cheating, or even thinking about it. It just means there is something there preventing him from being ready to commit 100%.  Twenty-two is a tough age to be in a serious relationship when all of your other friends are single and seemingly having the time of their lives. Trust me, I know. 

 I have a feeling the reason you are having a hard time letting him go is because you know he is struggling a little bit. As women, we KNOW our men. Be honest with yourself and encourage him to be honest with you. 

 If that is not the case….

 Mr. J still needs a good, clean, fun guys night from time to time. Sometimes they go out, others they stay in and shoot the breeze or they will even play a sport. Either way I have to understand there are some nights when he needs to have a quick break from estrogen and enjoy some good ‘ole testosterone. It is important to give your man this time. It’s nothing against you, sometimes guys just need guy time. Support that and maybe even have a girls night while you are at it! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

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I Want You Back

Q:Dear Love Jays,

This woman and I dated for about two years and I ended things for what seemed like a deep-rooted clash at the time, but really had more to do with deep-rooted hurt and insecurities that I never dealt with from the previous relationship.

After a few months apart, prayer, meditation and a few timely books I was able to come to terms with myself, my shortcomings in the relationship, and finally found peace from the hurt I held onto for so long.

I met with the recent love and apologized and owned up to everything mentioned above. She was receptive but I know it caught her off guard. I wasn’t me, and now I can see I didn’t give her the best of me…and she loved me through it. Now I’m in a better place and want to, and can honestly give the best of me. But I obviously hurt her and she is adamant about not being together.

However, her actions don’t match her words. We went from not talking at all, to at least once a day and she even initiated taking a day trip together over the past month and some. But there are moments when she really keeps me at bay, trust issues from me leaving I assume…

I’M 100% in this and am truly able to commit my life to her…but she still keeps me at arms length. Advice?

A: Dear Ready to Prove my Love,

I was standing in your exact position just under a year ago. My relationship with Miss J had ended and I was left searching for answers to questions I never wanted to ask myself. It was a difficult two months, but it opened my eyes to all my insecurities and forced me to challenge the person I was becoming. Like you, prayer and reflection led me back to Miss J and I haven’t looked back since that November day.

But let’s be real, though I haven’t looked back, it took many months for Miss J to truly believe I was ready to be the man she needed. She only knew the old me – the one who caused her pain and never fully loved her; the one who she wanted to be with, but didn’t have a relationship with God; the one who appeared to have it all together, but was actually broken. She knew that man for 3.5 years and I expected her to immediately believe that I was ready to commit to her after only two months apart. Not only is that a selfish request, it’s virtually impossible as well.

It takes time, patience and prayer. I truly believe we wouldn’t be writing this blog if developing a relationship with God and prayer was not at the center of our relationship. It has helped guide us down a healthy path and has opened our hearts to love each other more abundantly than ever.

Your woman is still hurting and she has every right to hurt. She will show glimpses that may indicate things are getting better, but the road to recovery is very long. You said you are 100% ready to commit to her, so you also need to be 100% ready to be patient and work through any obstacles she places in your way. PROVE to her you are ready to love her and will NEVER leave her again. It will be difficult. It will be frustrating. It will test you. But through perseverance, the two of you will build a relationship 10x stronger than it was in the past. Lean on Him for strength and you will get your queen back!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Give me a Second Chance,

Mr. J and I had a similar problem. We split for two months and he came back a “changed man”. How was I supposed to just believe him after he spent so much time confused and unappreciative of who I was and the love I gave him for all those years? Was I expected to just trust what he said was true?

Oddly enough the answer was yes, I was supposed to trust him; not only by what he was saying, but by what he was showing me as well. I can tell you from being on the other side of the situation it is not easy. A lesson women learn early on is that a man will say anything to get back with you (especially if you are doing well) and if he burns you once he will burn you again. This lesson is the changed man’s worst nightmare.

My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Slowly gain her trust back day by day, let her know you are here for her. Say what you feel, but also show her…CONSTANTLY. I know when I was in that state of mind I needed constant reassurance. During our break up, I reunited with a part of myself I thought I had lost. I figured out during that time that I really really do like me for me. When he came back, I was scared I was going to have to give that up.  I was really happy he was back, but I was really hurt he left in the first place. I had a hard time understanding the fact he really changed, he wasn’t just saying it to get me back so he could hurt me again. HE WAS SERIOUS! He was patient, kind, understanding and supportive. He made it his mission to mend the damage he did to my heart. On top of all that, he proved he loved all the progress I made, he loved all of me and wanted to share all of himself with me. That was what really sealed the deal, the realization that he wanted me to be the best version of myself. He did not want me to be with him if it cost me any happiness and he has made sure of that until this day.

It seems like she is coming around. Don’t press her for any commitment; right now just focus on gaining her trust. Keep praying and prove to her you are for real for as long as it takes. If it is meant to be you guys WILL eventually get back to a good place.

Love,

Miss J

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