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Moral Dilemma

Dear Love Jays,

What’s your opinion on two people in a relationship who have two pretty different moral compasses? Can it work?

Dear Moral Madness,

We received a question similar to this a while back regarding religion and relationships. Although this question is not about religion, it does involve yet another thing at your core — your moral compass. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but what do you do when at your core you feel something is purely good, and at your significant other’s core they feel that very same thing is purely bad? This wouldn’t be so terrible if it were just one or two minor issues. When your moral compass’ are different, chances are this happens more often than once or twice, and it’s not always with minor issues.

In order to have a successful relationship you need the 3 C’s.

Compatibility

Communication

Compromise

Unfortunately, having a different moral compass affects your compatibility. Compatibility matters most when it comes to your core and ultimately, your morals dictate your actions. Is the real you truly compatible with the real them? When you are in the trenches will you be able to fight the real problem, or will you start fighting each other? You need a person who is going to be on your team to help you make your lay-up, not someone who is going to block your shot.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Differing Moral Compasses,

Can it work? Possibly. Would I recommend it? No.

Our core values and morals are the blueprint for how we live, love, act, speak. Every decision we make is directly influenced by our internal rules and guidelines. The majority of these morals are adopted through religious or spiritual affiliation, but even if you don’t associate with a religious entity, humans typically understand good vs. bad, wrong vs. right.

When we enter into a relationship with someone, we are looking to find someone who will complement our personality and help develop us into better people. Dating someone who is on the exact opposite end of this process simply doesn’t make sense. Relationships require constant maintenance — why add unnecessary challenges?

Miss J and I have been successful for almost six years because our core values, morals, and religious affiliation are similarly aligned. I’m not saying you need to fit the same requirements — I’m just sharing an ingredient of the secret sauce that helps maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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AIDS Walk: Los Angeles

www.aidswalk.com

Hey Love Fans!

For those of you in the Los Angles/ Greater Los Angeles Area we wanted to let you know that tomorrow is the Los Angeles AIDS walk.

For information on how to register or just information in general, feel free to visit the website.

Love,

J&J

© LoveJays 2012

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R&R after a Break Up

Today’s post is inspired by a question we received yesterday and a conversation I had with  a newly single friend, the question was as follows: 

 “I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?”

Mr. J and I both responded with wait, reflect, and go from there; but I did not really go into full detail as to why those steps are so important. I want to explain (from a woman’s perspective) why it is imperative to take time as a young woman for yourself.

I am speaking from my experience as a woman in her early twenties, but I am sure everyone will be able to pull a little something from this post.

It’s no secret that about a year ago, Mr. J and I broke up. I saw it coming from a mile away, but when it finally hit, it hit hard. In the beginning I was devastated; crying on the floor (full out fetal position-pathetic, I know) and absolutely heartbroken. Once I was able to accept what was happening, I found I was completely and utterly emotionally exhausted and it was not from all the crying. I had been emotionally draining myself for months and I was not even aware of it. This is common for breakups; most of us try to hold on to what we have because we are afraid of loosing it, no matter the cost. 

When my relationship started going down hill, I was only focused on Mr. J’s happiness. I stopped paying attention to what I really wanted and was doing everything in my power to try to make it work.  After all, that’s what love is right? Wrong! Not only was I not loving Mr. J right, I was also not loving myself right.

After this realization something amazing happened, I focused on “me”. I have always had great self-esteem, but there was something missing. I rediscovered myself, which was an interesting development because I was not aware I lost myself in the first place. I found that I had grown, the last time I focused on myself I was only 18, just a girl. Now I was a woman with a lot to offer and proud of it. I thoroughly enjoyed immersing myself in all things Joy. I discovered I am strong, passionate, confident,capable and best of all I was able to finally understand I did not need anyone to be all of those things. Those qualities belong to me. Of course I was willing to share, but I could sleep easy knowing I was a complete woman with or without any man – and a darn good one at that!

As time passed and I explored my identity further, I had yet another light bulb moment and that was that I actually LIKED myself! From there, loving myself was easy. I essentially dated myself. I got to know myself, went out a few times, found a few new hobbies, and voilà…there it was… Love. 

Now the relationship I have with Mr. J is ten times better because my happiness is not dependent on his. I am not afraid of being alone, and most importantly, I have discovered my worth as a woman and nothing can take that away from me. Ever. 

I encourage all women going through a breakup to really take advantage of the time you have afterwards. Yes, it is important to reflect on your past relationship and understand what you can do in the future in order for your next relationship to remain as healthy as possible. But, the best thing you can do for yourself and your next relationship is have YOU together. 

Best Wishes to you all. 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Loving Yourself

Two months ago, Miss J and I were sitting in her apartment when a friend suggested we start a blog giving love advice to young people. We each swept the idea under the rug in the beginning, but as a few weeks passed, the two of us decided to give it a shot. Miss J has always been passionate about love and giving advice, while I typically just gave advice because I enjoy talking and like the sound of my own voice. Miss J and I brainstormed a name for the blog, did a bit of research then BOOM – July 13th came and Love Jays was born. I had never written anything about relationships, dating, love or any of the other topics we discuss on this platform, but I quickly realized what we were doing was something people actually enjoy! If you look back at all the articles, we have touched on various different topics relating to “all-things-love”, but we have never really touched on the most important love topic – loving yourself.

Loving yourself sounds easy enough, but the act of truly loving ourselves is one of the most challenging quest all of us will face or are currently facing. Up until about a year ago, I couldn’t be convinced that I didn’t love me some me. Everywhere I went, I was the loudest person within a 10 mile radius, always wanted to be the center of attention and couldn’t wait to talk some sh*t with my friends. I was an absolute clown, but I was convinced I loved that person everyone grew to know. When I graduated college, everything changed.

My basketball career was over. My closest friends were no longer around the corner. I was no longer “the man” on campus. I didn’t have a job. I had to move back home. I was alone. I was depressed. I was confused. Who was I? For the first time in my life, I was forced to be alone in my thoughts and spend time reflecting on the Justin I portrayed to the world. For so long, I led people to believe I had it all together and was living a happy life.

My girlfriend (Miss J) was one of the most attractive women on campus. Captain of the basketball team. President of the Black Student Union. Outreach Assistant for the Office of Admission. It appeared I had what everyone wanted. But despite how put together it may have looked, I was completely broken inside. I lashed out and attempted to be the “cool” guy, the “hard ass”, the “I’m better than you” because I didn’t know what else to do. I struggled and I struggled. I made more enemies than friends, but I didn’t care. I loved me some me, right? Wrong.

I write this blog as an open invitation into my struggle of figuring out who I am and how to really love and accept that person. I don’t have it all together. I, like most of you, am continuing to seek my purpose in life and am working towards becoming a man of strong moral integrity, love, passion and respect. Strip away the Love Jays and Mr.J. I am You and You are me. We struggle together.

So, what does it mean to love yourself and how do we do it? I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that it is imperative that you spend some quiet time bi-weekly or monthly reflecting on the person you are in your heart of hearts. Embrace it all. We have talents and we all have shortcomings – that’s what makes us special and unique. We don’t need to be anyone else, besides ourselves. Let’s focus on becoming the best version of ourselves and not worry about who/what others think we should be! Besides, how can we love someone else if we don’t love ourselves, first?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have questions or suggestions for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2012

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Submit your Questions!

Hello Love Fans!

We just wanted to let you know it’s not too late to submit your questions! We love keeping you entertained – our viewership numbers are very high; however, our question bank is slowly dwindling.  We enjoy answering questions, but we are going to need your help! Please submit any and all questions pertaining to love, dating, relationships or anything else that involves your feelings here. 🙂

Thank you for the support!

Love,

J&J

© LoveJays 2012