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I’m In Love With A Stripper

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am in a new relationship. We have been dating for about 4 months now. My bf has a past of being a ladies’ man and male dancer. Of course, this was something he mentioned after we had been dating for 3 months. Anyways, on his social media at least before we met, he would have pictures shirtless and showing his tats. I guess what you would expect a male stripper to have which women commenting.

When I first added him on Instagram (IG), I mentioned his postings to him over the phone and he laughed it off. Based off his posts and who he is in real life, it almost seemed like a completely different person. Now since he met me, all that has changed and his hyper sexualized pics and sayings on IG stopped . Now on his IG, majority of his pics are of us or he’ll have pictures of me. He’s friends will like it and so will the ladies… He def acknowledges me on this social media sites. So… as a woman I see him doing all the right things and putting in effort to make the relationship work. He has changed 360 and everyone who knows him can tell. We are now saying the “L” word and I am in love with him. His past is what I’m working on trying to accept because I am a traditional type of girlfriend. Plus it’s just strange to think I’m in love with a former stripper o.0 . I wonder if he really did change sincerely.

Enough of the back story, Ok so the reason why I need your advice is, that I asked for the password to his Facebook. I just feel like he’s living this double life and I don’t know about. He asked for mine and I gave him mine. Last night I did a little snooping and though there wasn’t any recent flirting going on… I saw a lot of messages with random women and A lot of FLIRTING. Now today when I tried to log on his FB, he changed the password. To me, that says red flag. I just don’t see why a person would do that? Is he really who he says he is? Should I really trust a person 100% when he was a male dancer and flexed his body all over the internet? I just want to feel like I know him 100%… who he was before he met me. I don’t know I’m so infatuated with knowing but I just don’t want to get hurt.

Sincerely,

Miss Is He True??

A: Dear I Need To Snoop In Order To Trust,

Your man was male stripper. You either accept it, or you don’t. I will say, it is a bit unfair he waited so long to tell you. I think that’s important information to have when getting in a relationship. Not because you need to know in order to judge him, but because you need to decide whether or not that’s something you can handle from the beginning.  I am not going to lie and say I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you right away; he has probably had his fair share of girls who have run for the hills after he shared his occupation.

Now onto your question, snooping through his social media is not going to give you a look into his soul. It is not going to help you know him 100% anymore than looking into his left shoe would. It will however, invade his privacy and cause unnecessary issues. Think about it, did it really help your relationship to see all his old messages of him flirting with other women? Every woman has snooped before, but to ask to have permanent access to his page is intrusive. It’s not shady that he changed his password on you; he did not have to give it to you in the first place.

The only way to know someone “100%” on a relationship level is if they are open with you and you are open with them. It also requires trust, which you are lacking. Trust is a risk, hence why a lot of people have trust issues. Like any risk, sometimes the leap of faith you take rewards you and other times it comes back to bite you in the a**. Your choice.

Love,

Miss J

Dear In Love With A Former Male Stripper,

When I read the opening three sentences of this question, I just knew I was going to be in for a good surprise. I was waiting for you to say that you caught him stripping at a private party and all hell broke loose! Though this story didn’t end in a plot fitting for a Hollywood movie, your experience with social media causing problems in a relationship is widely shared.

Social media is the gateway to the world. It’s home to endless conversations and debates connecting people all with a simple click. It’s power is notorious. One #hashtag can connect millions of people who otherwise may have never been connected. For all the reasons social media is good, it can also land us in hot water. Employers are checking our accounts during the hiring process, law enforcement monitors it for clues that may solve a crime, sponsors are dropping their clients for saying too much; the list goes on.

While these cases carry a much stronger effect, the freedom of connecting to just about anyone can tempt even the strongest to engage in some “flirty” conversations. I’m not here to defend or provide a cop-out for those participating in such conversations; I’m only here to recommend using caution when engaging on your social media accounts. With all that said, our social media accounts are OUR accounts and asking another for their password to “do a little snooping” is out of line. Momma always said if you go looking for trouble, you will surely find it. If him changing his password is a red flag, what would you call yourself asking for his password?

Miss J and I have been together over 5 years and neither of us have ever asked for the passwords to each other’s personal accounts. We respect each other’s space and understand the importance of having things that are your own. If you are having difficulty accepting and trusting his past, there isn’t much he can do to change your mind. You willfully made the decision to date a former stripper; consequently, you are going to have deal with some things you may not like.

Freedom of choice is the beauty of life. Each choice yields a different result; it’s on us to decide what we are willing or unwilling to accept.

Love,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Soul Mate(s)

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have read through most of your post and wonder what is your he said/ she said version of soul mates/ twin flames?

A: Dear Thoughts about Soul Mates,

With billions of people living on earth, the chances of meeting our actual soul mate can be pretty intimidating. Social media and online dating have made it much easier to connect with complete strangers by narrowing our target audience, but it still doesn’t eliminate the long and arduous road some travel in finding a mate.

I definitely believe soul mates do exist, yet I don’t feel it’s as uncommon as some may think. When we traditionally think of “soul mates”, we create this fairy-tale of a story about two people who are so madly in love and will spend the rest of their lives together in eternal bliss. Our society has created this façade that cripples people into believing their soul mate will fulfill every item on their checklist and only a select few will ever get to experience it.

PSA: FALSE!

Finding your soul mate isn’t all about finding the perfect person; it’s about finding the person who simply makes you a better you. The person who makes you smile, laugh, cry; the person you enjoy seeing everyday and loving; your best friend. We are often presented with people who could be our soul mate(s), yet we may not be ready or open to receiving such a blessing. Lord knows, I wasn’t ready to find Miss J at 18, but there comes a point when you stop fighting and you let nature take its course.

They say good things always come when you least expect it, so just live and stop worrying about finding your soul mate. Be open and willing to accept/give love and I’m sure someone will come wandering in your direction. The question is, will you be ready?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Questioning The Existence Of Soul Mates, 

To truly believe in a soul mate, I think it is important to understand exactly what a soul mate is. In Greek mythology, it is said a single human being consisted of a male and female in one body. Zeus feared the power of the male and female together as one, so he separated them into two separate bodies leaving them to roam the earth in search of their other half. Today, a soul mate is defined as a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament. In layman’s terms, a soul mate is supposed to be someone who “just gets you”.

I think we encounter several “soul mates” in life. Some in the form of friendship, mentors, family, and of course romance. In terms of romance, I do believe in “the one”. But I also believe that “the one” may not be your “one and only” or they could in fact be just that.

Let me explain…

Let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love. You understand each other and things just make sense. Now let’s say (God forbid) something tragic happens and that person passes away. I cannot and do not believe that you are damned to live the rest of your life without the prospect of having that connection ever again.

I also do not believe any relationship is effortless, soul mate or otherwise. So now let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love and you connect on every level, but you don’t work at anything. You let the relationship rot. Well in that case I think you are prematurely ending things with the one person who may be designated as your soul mate for a longer period of time than you decided to stay together. Does that make sense?

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is extremely hard to tell who is in your life for which reason so your best option is to love always.

So in short I guess my answer is yes, I believe in soul mates. There may or may not be more than one. Either way you will have to work hard at the relationship. Love hard and love always. You can’t go wrong with that.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Fire and Ice

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My mother and my boyfriend do not get along at all. I don’t want them to be best friends, but it would be nice to comfortably go to dinner or go over for holidays without any awkwardness! Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this monster-in-law situation??

A: Dear Water and Oil,

A key element in maintaining a successful and happy relationship is support from our friends and family. It’s human nature to seek support in most of our endeavors, so when we don’t get support (especially from those close to us), it typically makes matters a little more difficult.

It’s time to ask and analyze a very simple question, “Why don’t they get along?” I’m sure both parties have “valid” reasons for not getting along with each other, but it’s important that you sit down with each of them and get to the root of the issue. I’m unaware of how close you are with your mother, but if you consider her one of your closest friends and knowledgeable, I would pay close attention to what she is saying. People who reside in our inner circle typically have our best interest at heart 99.5% of the time and have the ability to often see with a little more clarity and unbiased(ness). I’m in no way downplaying your boyfriend’s opinion of the situation, so still take quality time in gathering his feelings.

Everyone involved in this dilemma is an adult and should act appropriately. Even if the two still can’t get along in the future and you decide to continue dating him, a level of respect needs to be established. Period. He shouldn’t disrespect your mother and vice versa. However, any man who will blatantly disrespect the mother of his girlfriend may have some issues of his own. I’m just saying…

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear It’s a Sticky Situation,

Sounds like you are in a pickle! Two of the people you love most in the world can’t get along, that’s never any fun. What you do have going for you is the fact that they both love you. How vocal have you been with the two of them in regards to how they interact makes you feel?

I have 2 suggestions; I do not know your mother and boyfriend so I feel the need to give you options.

My first suggestion would be to sit them down together and express how you feel and how you would like them to at least be cordial with one another. Tell them both how much you love them, and what you love about them while they are in the same room. Taking this approach can help in several ways.

1. They will both be able to see exactly how you feel about the other by experiencing the love you have for them first hand.
2. You will be saying exactly what you love about them, this may force them to look beyond how they feel and try to see the same good qualities you mentioned within each other.
3. It may give them a sense of camaraderie, they will have to work together to please you and as you know, they both love you. People tend they share a common goal, especially if they need the help of another to achieve it.

The second approach would be to talk to them individually. Don’t just bring it up casually, like you did not plan on talking. You need to let them each know just how important the subject is to you. Have a plan, have what you need to say laid out, and make sure you express exactly how you feel. Do not point the finger at one person or another and let each of them know it is going to have to be a collaborative effort. Tell both of them you will be/ have talked to the other person as well. Also, let them know that their disdain for each other has little effect on each of them, but has a huge effect on you. Neither of them will want to hurt you anymore. You just have to clearly express how you feel and put your foot down.

Side Note #1: Something for you to think about- why don’t they get along? In my experience when a parent and significant other can’t get along it’s due to a parent not being ready to let go, the significant other falling short of the parents expectations, or the parent not being a good parent in the past. It could be none of those things, and it could be some of them. Just some food for thought.

Side Note #2: I have always felt it is the responsibility of you/your significant other to develop a relationship/get along with your girlfriend/boyfriend’s parents. Parents need to be eased into meeting someone new who may be around forever. It is the job of your significant other to make that transition as painless as possible. Your boyfriend should never be anything less than respectful at all times no matter what is going on in his head. It is definitely ok for him to express how he feels to you and even to your mother, but it should always be in good taste.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Budding Office Romance

Q: Dear Love Jays,

A few months ago I started working in a new office on the 7th floor of a 10 story office building (point being, it’s not a huge building).  My first day I took the walkway on the south side of the building; I looked up and saw two men in an office on the second floor – one guy must have been telling a hilarious story because he was in the doorway making extremely grand running motions with an awful face while the guy at the desk was laughing hysterically.  I couldn’t help myself so I pointed and laughed.  The ‘running-man’ (if you will) was mortified and the guy at the desk turned and gave me a huge thumbs up, and I also happened to find extremely attractive.  That was three months ago.  Two months ago I received my assigned parking spot on the north side of the building… I go way out of my way to walk by this cute guy’s office and every morning we exchange an enthusiastic wave and smile (almost always initiated by him).  I have an extremely outgoing personality and a healthy dose of confidence so I have no problem approaching guys… I have no idea what to do in this situation though!  Go full on Love Actually and write ‘Lunch?’ on a poster board?  Stop by the second floor on my way up to my office?  Or just let it be… I mean he could come out there too ya know???  I feel like I’m already going out of my way just to smile and wave at him… anything beyond that just feels wicked desperate.

Sincerely,
Not Desperate, Just Curious

A: Dear Full of Waves and Smiles,

The enthusiasm exuding from your fingers as you typed this question makes it very apparent on what you really want to do! I’m not the most visually creative person in this world, but I’m pretty sure you painted a perfect picture of what your morning, office routine consists of. Kudos!

You are a self-proclaimed big personality with a healthy dose of confidence, so why haven’t you made a funny, reckless attempt at casually inviting the guy to lunch? The two of you clearly met during a goofy moment and most likely have similar personalities, so in my eyes, the two of you have been waiting for the other to make the first move! I’m always in full support of just calling a man’s bluff. Walk into his office and say, “It’s been three months and we still haven’t had coffee? Help me understand.” Okay, that might be a little too aggressive, but you get the gist. Use your personality and confidence to your advantage!

If coffee turns into lunch, then lunch into dinner – you can thank me. If it goes wrong…at least you won’t have to walk out of your way any longer!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear the Man in the Window,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story/question. Sounds like you have some eye candy to look forward to every morning. If that is not motivation to get out bed to go to work, I do not know what is!

You sound like a rational, outgoing and go getter type of girl. So I say go get it! This does not mean you have to go up there and full on ask him on a date, but you can definitely go up and introduce yourself. Find a way to bring up exchanging phone numbers or maybe even exchange your work email. You are both clearly mutually interested in greeting each other every morning, put the hook out there and see if he takes the bait! Good luck 🙂

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Time to Play House?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

When is your relationship mature enough to handle the next step of moving in together?

A: Dear Living Together,

Cohabitation before marriage…good or bad? Tough call.

When a couple decides to get married, it typically (I use “typically” loosely as a result of how carelessly too many people treat the institution of marriage) means the relationship has matured to a higher level. At this point, I feel a couple is ready to live together. Living together is one of the perks of being married. If you feel you are dating someone who could potentially be your life partner, why wouldn’t you want to wait and enjoy such an experience? I’ve discussed this same question with friends (all of whom are in long-term relationship or married) and most agreed that couples should wait until marriage before cohabiting.

In today’s society, it seems that young people decide to move in together for financial reasons or the “why not?” principle instead of genuinely sitting down with each other to decide why/why not the two of you should live together. Couples who have been dating for a relatively short amount of time (less than 1 year) and are considering moving in together, I would question their intentions. On the other hand, couples who have been dating for 3+ years could probably make a strong case. It truly is a judgement call.

It’s a much bigger decision than what appears on the outside and I strongly suggest couples really take time to analyze the situation before jumping the gun.

In the meantime, check out an opinion piece that appeared in the New York Times in April exploring this exact topic!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Really Ready, 

To live together or not to live together? I struggled with this for some time.

As a working adult who is in charge of her own life and the decisions I make my initial thought was why not?  I love him, I plan to marry him, we have a great time together, and not to mention I could save a good chunk of change on the rent.

Although all those things are true I decided I am simply just not ready. Period. Mr. J and I have been dating for 4 plus years and we know each other very well, but on the other hand we are still young and I felt it would be best for us to really experience what life is like as adults, living on our own. Not to mention I had a miniature spiritual battle as well ( but that’s another story).

If you plan to marry the person you move in with, that’s it. There is no “well it’s been great living with you, but I think I want my own space now. And yes, of course we will continue to date and everything will be fine and dandy”

Honestly moving in with someone you plan to marry is almost as big of a commitment as marrying them. You take a step past tying yourself to that person emotionally. You really have to be ready. It is a personal decision, a mutual decision, but most importantly it is a BIG decision so really think before you act.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012