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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you know if you are just going through a rough patch in your relationship or if it is time to give up and move on?

A: Dear Stay or Leave,

Deciphering between a “rough patch” or “the beginning of the end” may be the toughest internal conflict to deal with in regards to a serious relationship.

All relationships experience rough patches – ALL! Ever encounter those couples who say, “Everything is great! We have no complaints and are absolutely in love!”? Side eye. If you have been in a long-term relationship (18 months or longer) and haven’t experienced a rough patch, I don’t believe you or you’re lying. Only two options.

The easiest way to help solve this problem is to reflect on the number of rough patches that have occurred within the last 6-12 months of your relationship. If you and your partner have been spending more time arguing, irritated or unhappy rather than enjoying each other’s company, chances are it may be time to move on. Relationships shouldn’t be a burden. It should NEVER feel like a chore. Relationships are supposed to be fun. As I have mentioned in previous posts, relationships require work, but the work should be enjoyable!

Maybe it’s time to have “The Talk”. Express your concerns and why you are unhappy. Ask if he feels the same. After the conversation, decide what is the best plan of action. Listen to your heart. You can stay, you can leave. Just don’t deceive yourself.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye, 

Yikes, that’s a tough one!

A rough patch can be an internal conflict, or something that has to do directly with your partner. It is important to first decipher which of those it really is.

The real difference between a rough patch and “The End” is whether or not you decide to call it quits.

In reality a rough patch can last for years, there are plenty of people who sit in stagnant relationships. It takes both parties to get out of a rut, if you both aren’t willing to participate then you will both be sitting in it.

Of course there will always be ups and downs, thats a given. There is no way to escape it, whenever you have two individuals make a commitment together there are bound to be some bumps along the way; but that’s just it you two have made a COMMITMENT TOGETHER. There may be moments when one person is pulling more weight than the other because of a life event, but other than that you should be even keeled.

On a personal level, if you feel you can no longer grow with a person and you have been unhappy and unpleasant to be around for an extended period of time then it is probably a good idea to immerse yourself into some serious introspection. What are you missing and is it something your partner can help you obtain? If not then it is probably best for you and your significant other if you take some time apart.

If there is abuse of ANY kind, end it. That is no rough patch, that is a rough person and it is not your job to fix them. Move on.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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It’s 2012: The 50’s Have Come and Gone

Q: Dear Love Jays,

When my girlfriend and I first got together she pampered me. She gave me massages, made dinner, cleaned my place, did laundry just to name a few. 6 months down the line the pampering has stopped. Is that a sign she is no longer interested in me?

A: Dear I Miss the Pampered Life:

Choo Chooooo!!  Looks like the honeymoon train has reached its destination!

[Insert voice on loudspeaker] “Please grab all of your belongings and exit the train. Upon exiting the train, you will officially begin your relationship. Anticipate many bumps, hills, roundabouts, storms and emotional boiling points along the way!”

The ceasing of the pampered life does not mean she has lost interest. She just may feel “all that extra stuff” is no longer needed or warranted. I am not encouraging this behavior, but it may be sign of an occurring shift in your relationship. Next time the two of you are spending quality time together, jokingly bring it up in conversation. See how she responds. If it’s negative or dismissive, uh-oh! If she jokes back, you’re in the clear.

When was the last time you pampered her? Good deeds don’t go unnoticed. Try paying her some extra attention by “pampering” her. Even if you don’t get it return, a happy woman makes for a happy relationship!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Welcome to the Real World, 

She still likes you. Breathe. Yes, I know you were in relationship bliss for those six months. Who wouldn’t be with a woman that works overtime to spoil you. Well I hope you enjoyed it buddy, because that ship has sailed! The honeymoon is officially over and now you actually have to work for what you want.

I trust you are familiar with the term “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”? That is exactly what you need to do if you are looking for a little extra TLC.

If you are seriously concerned about the relationship because she has pulled away emotionally as well stopped pampering you then you need to have a conversation about it. Given the timeline I seriously doubt that is the case.

Other than that actions speak louder than words. So light some candles, make some dinner, warm up the massage oil and show her how it is done!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Secret to Success

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you think are the secrets to a relationship filled with excitement and longevity?

A: Dear Secrets to a Happy Relationship:

The “secrets” to developing a relationship built to last a lifetime is no secret at all – surprise!

Couples who continually find new ways to redefine their relationship, laugh together, sacrifice (time, energy, money, etc.), communicate effectively and love unconditionally will typically find themselves in relationships that span many years rather than the American standard – a few months (I actually have no idea what the average length of relationship is for young people in America, but with the social media and friends dictating WAY too much of what we do/say/believe, I’m comfortable with my estimation).

On the surface, the examples stated above seem relatively straightforward and easy. But as you already know (at least I hope), hard work, dedication and effort are at the heart of a relationship that is built to last! As the old cliché goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Simply put – it takes time.

Couples have to be willing to work hard, yet enjoy the work that is being accomplished. Will the work always be fun? No. Will you always get your way? No. Will there be a time when you want to scream at the top of your lungs and hurl an object in their direction? Absolutely.

Love is a continual growing process. If you both understand that there is always room to grow, you will find yourself answering this question instead of asking it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Secret Smecret, 

I really don’t think there is any “secret”, but there are some major factors that contribute to a long and exciting relationship.

First and foremost you must be compatible with your mate. Sounds simple, but a lot of people end up dating people they are not compatible with. It’s not about similar interest, it is about balance. When making the decision to spend a huge chunk of time with someone you want it to be with a person who just fits. Don’t force yourself to be with someone because on paper they are exactly what you want and what you think you need. I am well aware everyone has a “type”, but sometimes having a type hinders you. Choose the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.

The second factors are communication and compromise! You have to let your significant other in on what you are thinking and what you need and while doing so you have to be willing to listen to their wants and needs. Compromise should always be healthy and it should balance out one way or the other. One person should not be sacrificing everything all the time, while another person sacrifices one little thing every once in a while. It can’t work and it won’t work. Someone will eventually break. Both communication and compromise are a 2 way street. You both have to work hard or you will fail hard.

Third, I would say the key is sharing. I’m not talking about sharing a bite of your food or sharing the last piece of your favorite cake. I am talking about sharing life goals, dreams, secrets, laughs, childhood stories,flaws, forbidden desires, quirks, awkward moments and memories. You have to be willing to share your entire life beyond the physical. I believe this is where the magic of a spiritual and emotional bond happens. This is also the point in which a person gets to decide if they really want to stick around, and if they do, they truly love you for you.

Other than that…HAVE FUN!!! Your partner in crime should be your best friend. The person who just gets you, but when they don’t, you can talk about it. Before you know it you will have shared everything and gained two times of what you had in the beginning.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Waiting to have “The Talk”

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been dating a guy for a few months now, long distance. We talk and text almost every day. I have had a few opportunities to “hook up” with other guys but have turned them down because I care a lot about this guy. The thing is, we haven’t had a talk to find out if we want to be exclusive. I don’t necessarily want to do it over the phone, especially because he is going through a transition period in his life where there are a lot of things on his plate. I don’t want to add another stress to his mind right now. My question is, should I wait until we are in person to have “the talk?”

A: Dear “The Talk”,

If you are smiling and happy with your current situation, I would not recommend initiating “the talk” over the phone. The last thing any guy wants to discuss (let alone over the phone) is defining whether or not the relationship should be exclusive. As men, we have been programmed to ride the non-exclusive wave all the way to the shore. The good news is that the two of you have been dating for a few months, so when you decide to initiate the conversation, it shouldn’t be a surprise; however, be prepared for good or bad news. I am not hinting in either direction, so don’t worry!

Just remember this – even though you have been “dating” for some months, each of you are still single and obligated to have fun. Don’t judge him for any actions or behaviors until “the talk” happens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Patiently Waiting,

Yes! Wait! I know it is hard, but either way it will be worth it. Men need time to make an emotional decision and a certain amount of calm. When they have a lot going on, especially in a life transition, it is difficult for them to make the right decision. You could either end up in a relationship he was not ready to commit to because he felt he needed to make a decision asap, or he could end up saying he doesn’t want anything serious because he feels he is forced to make a decision asap. Things are also more difficult over the phone, it is very easy to misinterpret what people are saying. Face to face you will be able to look into his eyes, gauge where he really is emotionally and go from there.

If you feel the time is right, have “the talk”. Try not to rush into it, or make him feel like he HAS to answer right away.  Bring it up, let him know you are serious, dedicated, and you would like to see your relationship flourish. Also, make it clear you really enjoy him, but you do not think you can continue the way you have been going because your feelings have grown. Do not, under any circumstances “threaten” him into the relationship. Give him a day to think about it and remain as patient as possible. He will appreciate you for respecting the fact he is going through a transition and did not force him to make a decision on the spot; with that said 24 hours is plenty of time to come up with an answer. If he is not sure after a full day of careful deliberation leave it alone and let him come after you when he is ready. He may never be ready, he may be ready when it is too late, or he will be ready right on time. The most important thing is for you to do your part and do well. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012