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I Love Him But…

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love him. But I miss the single life. We are in a great relationship, not too many complaints at all. But I wish I had found him a couple of years from now. I got with him right after an old relationship ended, and I just haven’t had the time to breathe. I don’t want to lose him though! There are tons of girls waiting for me to mess  up and swoop him up, and I truly believe he is a great man for me. We have now been together for quite a while, and I can feel my conscience nagging at me.  I’m torn between my desire to be free and my love for him.

A: Dear Torn, 

If Mr. J and I have made anything clear it’s the fact that love never happens on your terms. You cannot choose who you love and you cannot choose when to love. 

Now that’s out the way let’s talk about you. You mentioned the fact you haven’t had time to breath since your last relationship. This in itself can have you feeling the way you do about your entire relationship. You may be  stuck between who you were in your old relationship and your role in your new relationship or you may just be trying to figure out who “YOU” are in general.  Things can get fuzzy without taking the much needed time in between to reflect and get yourself together again. I wrote an article on this very subject a few weeks back; you may not want to be single as much as you want to find out who you are, deep down you know at this point you are not able to do that and balance a relationship. 

How does the saying go? “If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours, but if they don’t they never were.”  If you really love your boyfriend you would not keep him around just because your afraid someone else will snag him. The reality of the situation is you are not able to fully commit to the relationship and that is unfair to him. You are not having a relationship issue, you are having  a personal issue.  For most personal  problems we should be able to lean on our significant other, but I am afraid this is amongst one of the few things that your partner cannot help you work through. 

I don’t want to say a breakup is inevitable, but eventually he will catch on to how you feel and who knows what will happen from there.  It is best to be honest with him while things are still good so if you do break up it will be on good terms ( as good of terms as a breakup can be on) and there is a better chance of you guys resuming things in the future. 

Good Luck!

Love, 

Miss J 

A: Dear Inconvenient Love,

Did Mr. J from three years ago submit this question? I know we post anonymously, but I’ll make a special exception for this one. I understand your frustration completely and wish I could provide you relief…it’s just not that simple.

One of the worst frustrations I have ever experienced was fighting between the feelings of the mind and of the heart. As an 18-year-old college freshman, the LAST THING on my mind was finding a girlfriend; I was dead focused on being young, dumb and horny! Obviously, the world had something different in mind because that plan went up in smoke after one semester.

Side bar: I low-key still wonder what my college experience would have been like if Miss J and I didn’t date in college…I’m sure I would have been an absolute fool with a completely different future. Oh and not to mention, the Love Jays certainly would not be in existence!

On the outside, our relationship looked picture-perfect; internally it was slowly rotting because I couldn’t make up my mind of where I wanted to be *turns on Donell Jones album*. I, like you, understood Miss J would have been in high demand, so I selfishly kept her by my side doing just enough to keep her as my girlfriend. The frustration finally hit a boiling point and we both agreed it was time to part ways. In the time we spent apart, I was truly able (for the first time) to unselfishly analyze the situation and decide what I wanted in life – love or sex. It’s obvious which decision I chose and I am fortunate Miss J was open in giving me another chance.

The point I’m trying to make here is simple – take some time apart and stop dragging him along in your confusion. If you use the time wisely, a decision will become clear relatively quick. And this whole freedom argument – it’s just another excuse. You can experience freedom while in a relationship, it just may appear a bit differently than your single friends and will require you to exercise judgement and respect.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Construction Destruction

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been involved with a man for 5 yrs now. To say it has been rocky is the understatement of the year. For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in. His work has been spotty since he lost his job of 10 yrs (6 months into our relationship). He does the lion’s share of the work on the house, however I am always there as his assistant as I do not know how to do the construction, but help as much as I can. For this duration I have paid the mortgage, and all the bills and purchased the groceries, cooked the meals, etc. Recently he got a good job and now makes more than I do. I feel that he should be paying his part of the bills now that he is back on his feet. He is still doing work on the house but not near as much and there have been large gaps in the amount of work.Recently I had him start keeping track of the number of hours and have started detracting them from the bills, but I don’t really feel satisfied and I feel that this is going to be a source of contention going forward. Not to mention an avenue for him to pad his hours to make sure he does not have to pay anything.

Basically, am I being selfish for feeling that he should be contributing financially? I feel that if we are going forward as a couple that he should be contributing to our future in a bigger way. I feel restrained by his behavior instead of excited. If we were both contributing then it would go a lot faster and we could get past this stage of our lives. I feel very stuck.

A: Dear Stuck and Frustrated,

Relationship 101 – Communication and sacrifice. Can’t emphasize it enough. Any relationship that lacks in both departments will surely fail much quicker than it will succeed.

Before I even answer your question, let’s dissect a few of your statements.

“I have been involved with a man for 5 years. To say it has been rocky is the understatement of the year.”

Well, umm…Houston, we have a problem! You have clearly been frustrated for quite some time and the source of that feeling is much deeper than him not contributing financially and helping with construction on the house. Those two issues have most likely compounded previous issues that have been unaddressed, which has led you to this point of feeling stuck and frustrated. If I had to pick the most important lesson I have learned while dating Miss J for almost 5 years, it would be the principle of not waiting to reach the climax of your emotion before discussing it with your partner. Once we reach this point, all rational and logical communication comes second to the outward expression of anger or frustration. Nip the problem in the bud and you will minimize emotional distress.

“For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in.”

You have opened your home to your partner, pay the mortgage and all the bills, did basically everything while he was unemployed and all you asked of him was lead the construction efforts? And you two are still living together and dating because, why? Construction is no easy task, but seeing that he couldn’t contribute monetary value to the home, he had to pitch in somehow and I’m glad he accepted your offer. However, you noted that once he started working again, the construction around the house dwindled significantly and he STILL isn’t helping you financially!?! Am I missing the logic in all of this? In his defense, it would be unreasonable to expect the same amount of hours contributed to construction with a full-time job. A conversation should have happened yesterday addressing expectations from both parties.

Now, let’s get to your question. Are you being selfish in asking him to contribute financially? I don’t like the word selfish to describe this situation – let’s go with unfair.

If the two of you never discussed that he would be expected to contribute financially upon him landing a stable job, then yes it would be unfair of you to expect any monetary contributions. Notice I said unfair, not unreasonable. He is in the position where he can afford to contribute toward the bills, so despite what was said aloud, common knowledge suggest it’s only right that he should pay his share. On the flip side, if you did have this discussion and he isn’t holding up his end of the stick, you are entitled to feel upset and need to voice your dissatisfaction.

As I said earlier, I have a feeling there is more lying beneath the surface that needs to be discussed. Spend some time in reflection, collect and organize your thoughts, and decide what needs to happen next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Stuck,

If anything is clear to me, it is your frustration. No, you are not being selfish so-to-speak and yes, you both should be contributing to your lives together in a bigger way.

First, let’s address the house. You wrote:

“For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in.”

I noticed you did not say “our” house. You could have just been typing away and not paying attention to that minor detail, but in my mind that means subconsciously (maybe even consciously), it is “your” house and he is just living in it. If you expect your man to contribute in the things you share, they have to be just that – SHARED. If I can pick up on it, I am sure he can too. The more you include him in on the perks (feeling like he owns something), the more likely is to respond politely to a conversation about shared responsibility.

With that said, he is LIVING there. At the very least, he should be paying half of the bills and groceries; you can tackle the mortgage until he feels the house is as much his as it is yours. If you are not really into giving up the title of “my house” that’s okay, but then you have to be okay with paying the mortgage on your own. I understand he is helping you renovate the house, that is awesome, but it has nothing to do with the bills. Renovations are extra and bills are necessary. Bottom line. No need to have him log his hours, the time he spends on the house is not equal to your monthly expenses. If it continues to cause a problem in your relationship, I would suggest having someone else help you with the renovations and just have him cover his share of the bills.

You were kind enough to completely support him while he was at a low point, but now that he is stable again it is time for him to help you out. You are not wrong in wanting a partner instead of a dependent. Any real man would more than understand that. If anything, he should have offered to help by now, but since he hasn’t – bring it up. If he refuses, pull his card!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

 

 

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Chris Brown…Rude Boy?

Last night Chris Brown released a video featuring his most recent ex-girlfriend,Karrueche Tran and ex-girlfriend #1 ,Rihanna. He posed the question “Can you love 2 people at once”. His argument was that he had history with one woman (Rihanna), but has fallen in love with another woman (Karrueche Tran).

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/50805715]

This very same subject was the theme of last week’s Monday Funday, in which we featured an article on Wyclef Jean admitting he loved both is wife and Lauryn Hill at the same time.

One of our readers (Matthew B.) commented saying:

” The concept of  ‘loving’  more than one person at one time is built on a spineless foundation of indecision. The difference between being mature or immature is founded on one’s ability to make decisions in life with conviction and accountability, based on a standard of consideration for your fellow man.” -Matthew B.

While another reader (EOW) said:

“From the reading it seemed like it was quite a complex situation where there were two different types of love with two different women.”

To be clear, we are not excusing Chris Brown’s history of domestic violence in regards to Rihanna. We will save that topic for another discussion.

We want to hear more from you. What are your thoughts?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e82VE8UtW8A]

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© LoveJays 2012

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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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How Fast is Too Fast?

Q: Dear Love Jays,
How fast is too fast to have sex?

A: Dear Fast Lane:

Sex is an intimate act that should be shared exclusively for two people who genuinely love and care for each other. Unfortunately, sex has become the understood way of communicating how we feel for another person. We sometimes struggle to articulate our feelings through words or actions, so we use sex to help us express how we feel inside.

Miss J and I are an open book when it comes to our relationship, so I’m going to share something very personal. Miss J and I were sexually active throughout our entire relationship (4+ years), until God placed it on our hearts to try celibacy a few months ago. I vividly remember when the thought first crossed my mind, yet my selfishness refused to bring it up. About 2 weeks later, Miss J sat me down and proposed we remain celibate for 40 days. Our 40 days ended on July 14 and we have continued on our celibacy path until we get married. The last 3 months has forced me to find new ways of expressing my love to Miss J and most importantly, it makes my mind and spirit feel at peace.

I’m sure celibacy is out of the question for many of you, so if you decide to have sex, I strongly encourage you to analyze your level of commitment to the person and act accordingly. Believe it or not, sex complicates more than it helps us to understand. Trust the feelings in your heart and do what you feel is right!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear How Will I know, 

I do believe this is our very first sex question…Thanks for bringing it up!

Sex is not to be taken lightly; although television, music, and pop culture suggests otherwise. A little while back I may have told you to wait at least 3 dates, or when you feel comfortable. Sex is now categorized as a casual and necessary thing to do no matter what your status is. It allows for things such as the “three date rule” to exist, and the porn industry to thrive in a time of economic turmoil. All the while we are all sitting around like it is completely normal and acceptable. I was in the same bubble up until a couple of months ago and let me tell you, boy have my eyes have been opened!

The three date rule is accepted as a solid answer to the ‘when to have sex question’ because of three things:

1. As a man: you have now spent money and time with a female 3 times, she owes you.

2. As a woman: a man has now spent money and time with you 3 times, you owe him.

3. You are both unbelievably horny by this point.

The list may make sense to you but I challenge you to wait even longer. I know celibacy is not for everyone, I am not even going to go there. What I will say is  wait until you really get to know the person. Give time for you both to become invested to the point you both care about the other person’s well-being (emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually). Yes, I am aware that will take TIME and a lot of WORK ;hence why I said INVEST. Without sex you will discover quickly whether or not a person is worth getting to know beneath the surface.

So there you have it, it’s too fast if there is no investment. And remember, you are worth the investment too!

Good luck,

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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But You Say I’m Just a Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I recently realized that I am in love with my best guy friend. The only problem is that I can’t figure out whether he feels the same way about me….I don’t want to say something and then risk destroying the friendship. We have a bunch of mutual friends and they keep telling me to go for it, but I am still holding back.

We are extremely good friends, I am totally comfortable around him (always feel like I can be ‘me’), would do anything for him, and I am even willing to adjust my future career plans in order to be with him. I have always been a very driven woman with high career and life goals, so the fact that I am willing to compromise some of my plans for a guy is a big deal.

I am torn because I cannot imagine not having him in my life should he not see me in a romantic light, but at the same time I feel like I am carrying around a huge secret by not telling him how I truly feel.

I am almost certain that he is “the one,” aka the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with — he drives me crazy sometimes yet I still love him and he meets all of my “must haves” in a potential husband/life partner.

What should I do? Should I say something or just be content in the friendship? How do I try to probe his feelings and find out if he feels the same way?

Please Help!

A: Dear My Best Friend has my Heart,

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I will say it again: There is nothing more beautiful than falling in love with your best friend. For some people, the person we fall in love with may not start off as our best friend, but if we want that relationship to reach its maximum level of love, happiness and strength – our significant other MUST BE our best friend.  Not only you have been blessed to have someone who you can confidently call your “best friend”, you have met a person who allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and makes you feel like no one else does!

Embrace your feelings, but also understand that two possibilities can result if you have this conversation. You are clearly in love with this man and are ready to commit yourself to him. He may feel the same, he may not. Prepare yourself for either possibility. Who knows, he may be asking himself this very questions, yet may be too afraid or uncertain on how to approach it.

I firmly believe you will be doing yourself and the friendship a disservice by not expressing your true feelings. It’s unclear how long the two of you have been friends, but it’s obvious the two of you have grown close over the years. If there isn’t anything in this world a best friend could handle, it’s honesty. Friendships are built on honesty, so open your heart and be honest. It may single-handedly be the most frightening thing you will do, but it will all be worth it. Who wants to continue down life’s journey being “just a friend” to the person they believe is the one for them?

Give your heart the opportunity to discover if he really is the one! Just remember, prepare for both possibilities.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I’m In love with my Bestie,

This is great news! Who better to fall in love with than the person who knows you, loves you and trust you the most in the world. Beyond that, the feelings are reciprocated on your end; how wonderful!

Chances are if your mutual friends are all saying to go for it, they may know something you don’t know. He may already know, or he may even feel the same but he may be uncertain of your feeling.

Answer these questions:

  1. Are you both single?
  2. Is your friendship strong enough to weather a relationship?
  3. Are you more afraid of losing a friend or your potential husband? (trick question, but answer it anyway)
  4. Would you have to compromise anything that will subtract from you being a better person?
  5. Has your friendship grown since 2011, if so in what direction and if you were to stay “just friends”, what your friendship would really look like in 2013?

If you answered “no” to number one, have respect for his current relationship. If you strike now you won’t even be able to be friends depending on how serious he is about his girl. Now that’s out of the way…

Making the jump from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend can be awesome, but it will have its challenges as well. You will have to “re-train” each other in some areas because you will be making a different type of commitment to one another. Some things will come naturally and others you will have to work for. Nothing to fret about, but definitely something to prepare for. Make sure you are both on the same page as to what you want out of the relationship.

Number 3 is a trick question because if you believe in you heart of hearts he is “the one” you will never lose his friendship and you will only gain a husband (potentially/eventually). Really weigh what you are compromising, anyone in a successful relationship will tell you compromise is a key component of their success; however make sure you do not compromise anything that has to do with who you truly are at the core. It’s not worth being with someone if you can’t be and do what you feel your purpose is in life.

Lastly, if you are in love with your best friend now there is a good chance you will be in love with him this time next year. The moment you discovered have deeper feelings for him you erased any hope of a true “just friends” relationship. You don’t want to wake up one day both married to different people wondering “what if…”.

Go for it!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012