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Jealous or Just Over Thinking?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m best friends with a guy. (I’m a girl.) I find myself jealous of his girlfriend though I’ve thought it through and know I don’t want to date him. I find myself feeling like I should distance myself from him, but he’s a great friend to me and we’re really close. I’m single and think maybe if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t feel like there’s an imbalance in the power dynamics of our relationship. Am I over thinking this? What do y’all think?

A: Dear Role Replacement,

I’ve always held the belief that it is very difficult to maintain a best friend relationship between men and women. Notice I said difficult, not impossible.

We are naturally attracted to each other and as these friendships progress, the feelings of “this is just my friend” can easily turn into “I want to be more than friends”.  Who wouldn’t want to date the person who knows everything about you? The person you share your innermost thoughts and feelings? The person who is always there when you need to talk? Shoot, just typing all of this makes me want to date my best friend, too! Fortunately for me, I’m already dating her. (Insert “awwwww” moment).

You clearly stated you aren’t interested in dating your friend, so I’m going to believe you. Though you may not be interested in him romantically, you have a vested interest in the special relationship the two of you share…and I don’t blame you. It’s nice to have those relationships. Unfortunately, these relationships have to take on different forms when a significant other comes into the picture. One of the most crucial parts of any relationship is time. Time is everything. When the two of you were single, he didn’t have to commit time to a specific person, but now he does. The reason you are feeling jealous of his girlfriend is simple – she is getting more time and attention, which has resulted in less time and attention directed to you.

It’s an uncomfortable and awkward feeling to embrace, but understand it’s all a part of the growing process. If he really is your best friend, support his new relationship and take advantage of the moments when you guys talk or spend time together. Change is inevitable and those who welcome it will always come out on top!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Am Jealous of My Best Friend’s Girlfriend,

I think we can all get a little territorial when it comes to your best friend dating someone new. Someone new means things are going to change, and sometimes we don’t want things to change because we already like everything just the way it is.

You said you don’t want to date your friend, that’s the good news. You can still be friends! The bad news is you do have to share and give up the title of “main woman” in his life.

Sharing does not mean you have to give him up as a friend completely. There is still room for a non-romantic relationship in his life. When two single people of the opposite sex engage in a deep friendship, lines often get blurred. Even if you guys have not been intimate (at least you did not mention that you were), there are still little things you have to adjust. He can no longer be your go-to guy when you need a +1 or be your date on Friday night when you just want to cook dinner, lay on the couch and watch a movie.  Up until now you have both been a friend as well as a filler for a boyfriend/ girlfriend to one another. It’s natural, but things have now changed and that’s ok.

The fact you acknowledged you might not be experience these feelings if you had a relationship as well tells me you are a logical person and you will definitely be ok. I think it would be fair to say you aren’t jealous your friend is with someone, you are just longing for company of your own.

Make sure the girl he is with knows you come in peace and enjoy your friendship with your best friend for what it is now. Your special someone will come soon enough. 🙂

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

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In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

The holidays are the best time of the year. We spend quality time with family and friends (some who we haven’t seen in years), indulge in over consumption of home-cooked meals, drink endless bottles of wine and champagne, play fun games and find out interesting facts about the people you have known your whole life, laugh the night away, snuggle in front of the fire, listen to holiday music, watch your favorite movies, but most importantly, we get the opportunity to simply enjoy life and be grateful for the friends and family in our lives.

Far too often, we get caught in our day-to-day and take for granted the opportunities we have been afforded, the places we have visited and the people nearest to our heart. It’s not often we get a chance to unplug from the world and focus our attention to what really matters in life. So for this holiday season, I challenge all of you to spend time with your love ones, reach out to old friends, say I love you, cry a little bit, smile. Extend your thank yous beyond those who have prepared the Thanksgiving feast and spend quality time reflecting on all your blessings and truly give thanks.

I want to take this opportunity to give a sincere thank you to everyone who has supported the Love Jays and has played a part in its success. I could have never imagined how rewarding it has been helping friends and strangers navigate through life. I am deeply humbled by all of you and can’t express my appreciation enough. Miss J, I love you more words can describe and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. To all my friends and family, thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and I look forward to celebrating many more victories with you.

Happy Holidays!

With gratitude,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Friend Zone?

Q: Hi Love Jays,

I’m starting to realize I have feelings for one of my guy friends, but it’s a strange situation. I feel like we genuinely care for each other, but I can’t tell in what way. At first, I was a little afraid that I was in the “little sister” zone, but as we got closer and closer, it all changed. For example, he knows I have a lot of anxiety with getting blood drawn, and gladly came with me to get it done. The thing is, he’s a bit (and by a bit, I mean a lot) of a player and at parties goes after girls he thinks will sleep with him and knows that I’m not up for anything casual. One night, after drinking, he and I kissed several times that night, so I have no idea whether that was a drunk want or just “because”. He also likes to call me pet names, but I don’t know if that’s in a little sister way. While I know he’s not ready for a relationship, have I been friend/little sister zoned?

A: Dear Stuck in the Friend Zone,

There aren’t too many single men in this world who will completely write-off any woman as being a future girlfriend. She could be a complete stranger or a friend for many years, whichever the case, it doesn’t mean things will always stay the same. How many stories have you read about best friends falling for each other? Just like anything else in life, friendships can evolve into something much different.

I have never been one to “blame it on the a a a a a alcohol” when making questionable decisions. You mentioned he is a bit of a player and likes going after girls who will sleep with him, so it’s very clear he knew exactly what he was doing when deciding to kiss you. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is trying to sleep with you, but I can assure you he wouldn’t prevent it from happening if you decided to take it there.

Simple answer – you are not stuck in the friend/little sister zone. He is looking to have fun and is willing to participate with anyone who is up for a good time. If you aren’t for anything casual, I would suggest not hooking up with him; no need to cause yourself any more confusion.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Zone,

There is no such thing as a single man keeping a woman in “the friend zone”. NO SUCH THING. A man may value a friendship and not want to ruin it at that moment; but for the most part, until a man is settled down, every woman is fair game.

Also, he kissed you. I will say it again, He. Kissed. You. And you kissed him back. You liked it and I am sure there are no complaints on his end. Yes, you were drunk. Drunken words/actions are sober thoughts. When a friendship takes a step in the direction of it becoming something more there are typically a lot of nerves/butterflies involved. You both just had liquid courage, it is totally normal.

While I am almost positive you have not been “friend zoned”, you still may want to proceed with caution. You mentioned he is a player and my gut is saying he probably cares for you, but he has some “tendencies” he needs to get out first. The kisses you shared were probably the result of you both putting your feelers out there.Now that he knows he may have a shot with you he might slow down with his player ways.

For your part you should figure out what it is exactly you want and what you expect from him. If you come to the conclusion you are better off friends then that is that; but if you definitely want to explore something more than a normal friendship you are going to have to drop the liquid courage and the kisses and have a heart to heart.

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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Below Average Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can you maintain a healthy relationship if the sex is terrible?

A: Dear It’s just not good,

If you are in a relationship and sex is an active ingredient, it will be very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship for a long period of time. Sex is the way our body communicates our feelings for another, good or bad. We have all had those intimate moments when our feelings are running high and the intimacy level is off the chart, yet we have also had those terrible moments when our head just isn’t in the right place and the sex is well below average.

Though it is not the only way of expressing our feelings, sexual intercourse definitely plays a strong part of maintaining intimacy. If you aren’t having sexual intercourse, you have found others ways to be intimate with each other, but once the leap is made, it’s our responsibility to treat our partner correctly. Some may suggest that we can teach them how to “sex us”, but if both aren’t emotionally and physically rocking to the same beat, it’s bound to collapse at some point. Let’s not forget about sex drive, either. If you are always ready to hit the sheets, yet it’s like pulling teeth to convince your partner to join…the relationships will slowly break apart.

It’s important to discover your feelings about sex and communicate it openly and honestly with your partner. If you’re not very good, let them know. If you don’t care for it too much, share that information too! Once everything is in the open, each can decide what route to take next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Close but No Cigar,

Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with bad sex? Sure. Is it likely you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship for an extended amount of time? Probably not.

When a couple decides to get physical, sex is high on the “needs to satisfy” list. Bad sex is just not satisfying. Period. Of course you can always attempt to teach your partner what it is exactly that satisfies you. If they can keep up, great; but if not… well…

As a woman I can say (for the most part) sex is an emotional act. We correlate the quality of sex with the intensity of a man’s deep desire to love/want us. Everyone is allowed an off day, but if it’s consistently bad that could be a sign. Think of your body as a puzzle, some pieces fit together perfectly and others don’t fit at all because they belong to another piece. Your partner may not be “bad” per say, they just might not be compatible with you. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Worth Sharing :)

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Good morning love fans!

We thought this would be fun to share. It has been in circulation for years now, but it’s worth sharing just in case some of you have not seen it and even if you have, it’s good to refresh your memory :).

Below you will find 45 lessons a 90-year-old discovered throughout the course of their life and decided to share. What valuable lessons have you learned from your own experience  thus far? What could you contribute to this list? 

Love, 

J&J 

P.S. Old people have not always been old; they know a thing or two. If you are fortunate enough to know someone who has been around a while, we encourage you sit down and listen to what they have to say.

45 LIFE LESSONS, WRITTEN BY A 90 YEAR OLD

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for things that matter.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose Life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

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© LoveJays 2012

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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012