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Afraid Of Being Alone

Love Jays

Dear Love Jays,

I am unhappy in my relationship, but I love my significant other while also being afraid of being alone. Advice?

Dear Unhappily Staying,

Happiness: Life’s ultimate goal.

Sacrificing your happiness out of fear of being alone is ultimately hurting your own personal growth and development. When we love someone, our logical processes sometimes get disrupted by the heart’s overwhelming power and we may ignore some important triggers along the way. Before we can fully love someone, we must learn to love and respect ourselves. Casting aside our own personal well-being for love’s sake isn’t love at all; it’s deception at it’s finest. Every relationship requires us to make sacrifices; happiness isn’t one of them.

What is the true reason you are afraid of being alone? Are you unwilling to confront your own thoughts and examine the true source of your unhappiness? Are you comfortable in your own skin? I don’t write these questions to attack; I write these questions from personal experience. The road to discovery isn’t the most comfortable experience, but it’s the most important journey we can make.

Love,

Mr. J

Dear Afraid To Move On,

Fear. It is the number one reason why people don’t do the things they really want to do. You may love the person you are with, but you both deserve happiness. If you are unhappy, chances are your significant other isn’t either and if he/she isn’t there yet they eventually will be. It’s just a matter of time.

Staying in a relationship out of fear is a recipe for disaster. No one wants to be alone, but once you take the leap you may find that you like yourself and being on your own isn’t so bad. Having company and companionship is great, but knowing you can be happy on your own is better. It will make for  healthier relationships in the future and a happier you.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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Individual Values On Opposite Ends

Religion vs. Science

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What’s your opinion on two people being in a long-term relationship where they have very different values?

A: Dear Differing Values,

Values are at our core. The way we think, act, or speak all boils down to our value system. Most values are developed from our religious beliefs or lack thereof, and we tend to hold very, very strongly to these convictions (sometimes to a fault). When engaging with someone whose values contradict our own, we often times distance ourselves or participate in never-ending arguments on why each other’s beliefs are “correct”. Don’t believe me? Take a look at Congress and formulate your own opinions.

While differing opinions make life interesting, formulating a long-term relationship with some whose values are “very different” may prove risky, especially when children get involved. I refuse to put someone down for believing in something differently than me, but why put myself in a situation where I’m continually left defending my point of view and subjecting myself to criticism?

Relationships are built on people. If values are at the core of every person, how can we build a strong relationship with someone whose foundation isn’t cut from the same material? It’s not impossible and there are exceptions to all rules, but compromising WHO we are shouldn’t be a relationship requirement.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Different Strokes for Different Folks,

Jumping straight in…

Your values are at your core, who you are is based upon what you believe in. On every level, not just when it comes to religion. It’s okay for two people to have value systems that are similar, but slightly differ. You can work with that.

Now, in your case you are saying you have “very different values”, this leads me to believe there are very little similarities, if any at all. The saying “opposites attract” is valid, but only when speaking of hobbies and interest. Your values don’t have to be identical, but they should be pretty darn close. I would think it would be hard to be with someone, long-term or otherwise, who stands for everything you don’t.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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Dating a Higher Up

Q: Hi, Love Jays!

How do you feel about dating co-workers, especially ones that are higher up than you? I’ve been flirting a lot with someone that I work with and it constantly feels like we are dancing around this line that we know we probably shouldn’t cross but want to. Any advice?

A: Dear Dating a Higher Up,

‘Tis the season for dating in the workplace!

I’ll get right to my thoughts and spare you of another long winded intro about the same topic we answered a few hours prior in a different post.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace and don’t think any less of those who use work as their primary feeding ground to pick up men or women. It’s easy and convenient; completely understand. On the flip side, I encourage people to exercise caution when deciding to date one of their co-workers, especially if they have a direct influence over you.

Say the two of you started dating, things go south, then he/she uses their position to make your job a nightmare. Would you be okay with such a consequence? It’s easy to overlook the negative outcomes when we’re blinded by our emotions.

Be honest with yourself. Do you enjoy working at your job? Can you see yourself here for many years? Are you willing to risk ruining a possible promotion? Does everyone know each other’s business? These are the types of questions you have to answer when deciding if the two you should start dating. If you weighed out the pros/cons and it feels like the right thing to do, go for it!

YOLO, right?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Should I Date My Co-Worker, 

To avoid being way to0 repetitive for one day, I will simply say “What Mr. J said.” 🙂 

Good Luck! 

Love, 

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

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He’s My Co-Worker and He Might Have a Girlfriend…

 

Q: Dear Love Jays,

We all know the old adage:”Don’t shit where you eat.” But things are changing, right? Dating co-workers is… kind of okay, right? There’s this guy that I’ve recently started talking to and we’ve been working together on a couple of projects lately. On these projects, he’s a little bit more of my superior. Is that okay to date him? Also, he might possibly have a girlfriend. What is there to lose but at the same time, how invested do I really get?

A: Dear Co-Worker with a Girlfriend…Maybe,

I am going to keep this short and sweet. You said, “he might possibly have a girlfriend”. Stop there. Does he have a girlfriend, yes or no? That is a very important piece of information. If he does, you have everything to lose. I am going to tell you what a wise woman once told me. How you get a man is how you lose a man. You are more than welcome to be his friend, but have respect for his relationship. If you feel you are unable to do so, cease-fire.

Moving on, In my current workplace several of my co-workers are married and they met while working here. A workplace relationship can definitely work. With that said, if you are just looking for a fling/good time I would caution against it.

Hope this helps! 

Love,

Miss J 

A:Dear Dating in the Workplace,

Dating one of your co-workers is commonly frowned upon and often discouraged. Our place of employment is somewhere we go to make a decent living, improve upon our skill sets, and possibly make some new friends.

I’m sure we have all been told at one point or another to keep our work life and personal life separate; however, I find it a bit unrealistic to ask people to avoid letting the 40-50+ hours we spend with other people not to have some cross influence. I definitely agree there’s a definitive line of what we should/shouldn’t discuss with our co-workers nor fall victim into believing everyone we work with is a friend, but let’s acknowledge the simple fact that our work life and personal life aren’t 100% independent from one another.

Onto my opinion.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace, but if the person we are interested in dating has a direct influence on our day-to-day job and responsibilities, I would caution against it. Regardless of how “cool” our supervisors act or how laxed the work environment is designed, our place of employment is a business and we should exercise good sense when making certain decisions. How does the old saying go? “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” It’s very possible the two of you could end up dating without it negatively effecting your work situation, but you would be doing yourself a disservice by not assessing the consequences on both sides.

Oh, and to answer your question on what is there to lose…your job, maybe? Just a thought. It’s extreme and unlikely, I understand. Still, it’s something to think about! One more thing…let’s not forget to acknowledge the possibility that he may have a girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2013

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Casual Sex Solution?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In today’s modern American society it feels like you have to be in a relationship to have sex without negative stigmas being attached to it. If you are single and having lots of sex, whether you are a guy or a girl, people develop negative opinions about you as a person, calling you a “slut” or a “manwhore.” I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. Is there an elegant solution?

A: Dear Casually Sexin’,

We currently live in a hypersexualized society. From the ads saturating the digital media platforms to the songs aired on the radio, sexual innuendos bombard our senses 24/7. What use to be an act of privacy, respect and love has now been marketed as cool, flashy and powerful. And to make matters worse, more and more young people (not teenagers, KIDS) are engaging in sexual activities.

It’s hard to deny that sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. No need to go into details here, but the majority of those who have participated in the act will probably agree. I like to compare sex to alcohol. If you wait until the proper age and handle it responsibly, few problems (if any) will arise. If you handle it irresponsibly and ignore the consequences that may follow, sex shifts from life’s greatest pleasure to life’s greatest vice.

It’s important to handle sex with care and have an open flow of communication with your sexual partner(s). Regardless what some will argue, sex entails more than just the physical “feel good”. Emotions will play a role some place down the line, so be mindful of the people you choose to sleep with and the reasons behind it. If everyone is on the same page, I’m all for it.

In regards to the “slut” or “manwhore” comments, let people have their opinions. If people kept their sexual lives private and stopped broadcasting it to the world (friends, social media) or wear it as an honor badge on their sleeve, people wouldn’t be in a position to make such comments. Show the decency to respect others and most importantly, yourself. If the negative comments are starting to take their toll, maybe it’s time to reexamine your actions and decide if you are happy the way you are living.

Be you. Be happy. Be comfortable.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Have Fun,

Well, as people say: Opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one.

If you are comfortable and confident in your lifestyle than who cares what anyone else thinks?  Let’s look at it this way, would you really be doing anyone any favors if you were to enter into a relationship just for the sake of having sex with one individual? Probably not.

I am celibate and from the outside looking in it may look like I am a prude, but that’s far from the truth. If I concerned myself with how people viewed my decision I would probably be back to doing to the do by now.

As long as you are safe, feel good about yourself and have consenting partners, I see nothing wrong with you living your life the way you see fit. After all it is YOUR life.

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

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Does Coffee Always Have To Be A Date?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I was wondering about this illustrious coffee date. I know it’s supposed to be simple, but it still confuses. Coffee is my go-to. I’ll take my best friend (boy and girl best friend) to coffee and I’ll take a “date” there. But if I want to go with a friend to just test the waters… is it still a date? What are some “non-date” activities when getting to know someone better so that they don’t jump to conclusions?

A: Dear Looking for “Non-Date” Activities,

The good ‘ole coffee date. Easily, without fail, the easiest and cheapest way to hang out with a friend or potential love interest. The atmosphere is always right, you can typically find a comfy sofa to sit on and purchase a little bite to eat without having to look at an illustrious menu. I would recommend finding a local “mom and pop” coffee shop over the typical Starbucks or Coffee Bean – switch it up and be original.

If you are looking to test the waters with someone, I would still recommend going to coffee. If they decide to jump to conclusions and make it “datey”, that’s on them. How you approach someone is the most important aspect of eliminating the confusion on whether or not it’s a date. If you are sweating bullets, fumbling your words, avoiding eye-contact or rubbing your clammy hands on the side of your jeans, chances are you may tip the other person off on how you feel. Find a way to mention it within a normal conversation, so it doesn’t seem out of the blue. You can always act as if you are in a hurry to go somewhere and simply suggest coffee to finish up the conversation. It’s easy and most people won’t think twice about it.  Moral of the story – if you’re awkward, it becomes awkward.

As for other “non-date” activities, keep it social. Invite some friends over for a movie or game night. Go to a happy hour and have some drinks. The more people around, the less “datey” it will feel. If none of those sound fun, you can always stalk their social media accounts and find out all the information you would need. I wouldn’t recommend the stalk approach, but it is becoming increasingly popular.

Cheers!

Mr. J

A: Dear When Coffee is a Date,

Coffee, ice cream, happy hour or day “dates”. They can all be a very noncommittal way to get to know a person, or they can be as serious as a true first date. The difference between the two is up to you.

The best way to keep someone from jumping to conclusions is to be clear about your intentions. You do not have to blatantly say, “I am not sure if I am into you that way so this is JUST coffee.” But you can say something along the lines of “Let’s meet up later this week and grab drinks. I have [insert whatever activity you clearly have to go to alone] to go to right after, but I’ve got an hour to spare and I’d love to pick your brain about [insert whatever topic].” This way the person knows you have limited amount of time and you will indeed JUST be having drinks/coffee/ice cream etc.

If that is still a little too “datey” for you go for the friend tactic, but be careful how you execute this plan as well. If you invite someone to hang out alone with just you and your close friends they are going to think you like them. Make sure you invite them to an event or something where there will be plenty of people and tell them to bring friends too.

Hopefully this helps! 

 Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013