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Ask Me Out Already

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you get a guy you like to ask you out?

A: Dear I Want A Date,

I am not sure there is a surefire way to “get” a guy to ask you out. There are a couple of things you can do on your end, but ultimately whether or not he decides to ask you is up to him.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Do not sleep with him. No one wants to buy the cow if the milk is given out for free.

2. Do not unleash every single feeling you have ever had about everything in life. A man is less likely to want to see what you have to offer if you just put it all out there for him to see right away. Men like a little bit of mystery.

3. Be the best version of yourself. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Men are attracted to a confident woman.

These tips will help, but as I said before, you cannot make a man ask you out if he just does not want to. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear He Hasn’t Asked Yet,

Let’s keep this short and sweet: does he like you?

Despite our best efforts in showing someone how we feel, if the feelings aren’t mutual..there isn’t much you can do. We sometimes convince ourselves that just because we like someone, they should like us back. Who wouldn’t want to date a tall, handsome, outgoing and ambitious man? Well, I can name dozens of them and fortunately Miss J is probably one of a select few who could ACTUALLY deal with my ridiculousness. Hence why we have been dating for five years!

On the flip side, if the feelings are mutual and he hasn’t asked you out – maybe he isn’t quite ready or he is dealing with some stage fright. The “quite ready” can mean a multitude of things and vary from guy to guy, so be a little proactive in getting what you want. A little bit of confidence and aggression in a woman never hurts! And for the stage fright – who wants to date a man unwilling to pull the trigger?

Love,

Mr. J

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Casual Sex Solution?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In today’s modern American society it feels like you have to be in a relationship to have sex without negative stigmas being attached to it. If you are single and having lots of sex, whether you are a guy or a girl, people develop negative opinions about you as a person, calling you a “slut” or a “manwhore.” I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. Is there an elegant solution?

A: Dear Casually Sexin’,

We currently live in a hypersexualized society. From the ads saturating the digital media platforms to the songs aired on the radio, sexual innuendos bombard our senses 24/7. What use to be an act of privacy, respect and love has now been marketed as cool, flashy and powerful. And to make matters worse, more and more young people (not teenagers, KIDS) are engaging in sexual activities.

It’s hard to deny that sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. No need to go into details here, but the majority of those who have participated in the act will probably agree. I like to compare sex to alcohol. If you wait until the proper age and handle it responsibly, few problems (if any) will arise. If you handle it irresponsibly and ignore the consequences that may follow, sex shifts from life’s greatest pleasure to life’s greatest vice.

It’s important to handle sex with care and have an open flow of communication with your sexual partner(s). Regardless what some will argue, sex entails more than just the physical “feel good”. Emotions will play a role some place down the line, so be mindful of the people you choose to sleep with and the reasons behind it. If everyone is on the same page, I’m all for it.

In regards to the “slut” or “manwhore” comments, let people have their opinions. If people kept their sexual lives private and stopped broadcasting it to the world (friends, social media) or wear it as an honor badge on their sleeve, people wouldn’t be in a position to make such comments. Show the decency to respect others and most importantly, yourself. If the negative comments are starting to take their toll, maybe it’s time to reexamine your actions and decide if you are happy the way you are living.

Be you. Be happy. Be comfortable.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Have Fun,

Well, as people say: Opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one.

If you are comfortable and confident in your lifestyle than who cares what anyone else thinks?  Let’s look at it this way, would you really be doing anyone any favors if you were to enter into a relationship just for the sake of having sex with one individual? Probably not.

I am celibate and from the outside looking in it may look like I am a prude, but that’s far from the truth. If I concerned myself with how people viewed my decision I would probably be back to doing to the do by now.

As long as you are safe, feel good about yourself and have consenting partners, I see nothing wrong with you living your life the way you see fit. After all it is YOUR life.

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

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Does Coffee Always Have To Be A Date?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I was wondering about this illustrious coffee date. I know it’s supposed to be simple, but it still confuses. Coffee is my go-to. I’ll take my best friend (boy and girl best friend) to coffee and I’ll take a “date” there. But if I want to go with a friend to just test the waters… is it still a date? What are some “non-date” activities when getting to know someone better so that they don’t jump to conclusions?

A: Dear Looking for “Non-Date” Activities,

The good ‘ole coffee date. Easily, without fail, the easiest and cheapest way to hang out with a friend or potential love interest. The atmosphere is always right, you can typically find a comfy sofa to sit on and purchase a little bite to eat without having to look at an illustrious menu. I would recommend finding a local “mom and pop” coffee shop over the typical Starbucks or Coffee Bean – switch it up and be original.

If you are looking to test the waters with someone, I would still recommend going to coffee. If they decide to jump to conclusions and make it “datey”, that’s on them. How you approach someone is the most important aspect of eliminating the confusion on whether or not it’s a date. If you are sweating bullets, fumbling your words, avoiding eye-contact or rubbing your clammy hands on the side of your jeans, chances are you may tip the other person off on how you feel. Find a way to mention it within a normal conversation, so it doesn’t seem out of the blue. You can always act as if you are in a hurry to go somewhere and simply suggest coffee to finish up the conversation. It’s easy and most people won’t think twice about it.  Moral of the story – if you’re awkward, it becomes awkward.

As for other “non-date” activities, keep it social. Invite some friends over for a movie or game night. Go to a happy hour and have some drinks. The more people around, the less “datey” it will feel. If none of those sound fun, you can always stalk their social media accounts and find out all the information you would need. I wouldn’t recommend the stalk approach, but it is becoming increasingly popular.

Cheers!

Mr. J

A: Dear When Coffee is a Date,

Coffee, ice cream, happy hour or day “dates”. They can all be a very noncommittal way to get to know a person, or they can be as serious as a true first date. The difference between the two is up to you.

The best way to keep someone from jumping to conclusions is to be clear about your intentions. You do not have to blatantly say, “I am not sure if I am into you that way so this is JUST coffee.” But you can say something along the lines of “Let’s meet up later this week and grab drinks. I have [insert whatever activity you clearly have to go to alone] to go to right after, but I’ve got an hour to spare and I’d love to pick your brain about [insert whatever topic].” This way the person knows you have limited amount of time and you will indeed JUST be having drinks/coffee/ice cream etc.

If that is still a little too “datey” for you go for the friend tactic, but be careful how you execute this plan as well. If you invite someone to hang out alone with just you and your close friends they are going to think you like them. Make sure you invite them to an event or something where there will be plenty of people and tell them to bring friends too.

Hopefully this helps! 

 Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

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Did You Lose Your Manners When You Purchased Your iPhone?

It’s 2012 and technology is leading the charge on how we communicate! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, G-Chat, iChat, BBM, Kik Messenger, Viddy, Ustream, Skype, FaceTime, Text Messaging…the list is endless. Let’s jump back just 10 years ago: how many of these communication mediums existed? If you didn’t have AIM and I didn’t have your house number, (YES, back in 2002 we actually had to call a girl’s house if we wanted to speak with her) it was virtually impossible to get in contact with a friend.

Side bar: wouldn’t it be nice if we could go back to the days when it was slightly challenging to get in contact with someone? Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid social media user who always has my iPhone in my left pocket, but it would be phenomenal if I had the option to unplug from the world.

Yesterday, I was at a rooftop bar in Manhattan with Miss J and two other lady friends sipping on a beer and enjoying the sunset over the Hudson River. The conversation was pretty lighthearted until one of the ladies brought up an interesting point. She began to express her extreme frustration with men using text messaging as their primary means of communicating with her. She continued on in frustration and suggested men who are interested in getting to know her should try picking up the phone, dial her number (scroll through your contacts and click the name) and initiate a verbal conversation.

Definition of verbal conversation: when two or more people engage in the sharing of information, thoughts, ideas, etc. through a handheld portable computing device most commonly understood as an iPhone, BlackBerry, Android or similar device (Dictionary.com/Mr J’s creativity).

The sentiment was shared amongst all three ladies and I started to ponder this question: Has technology (primarily texting, BBMing and emoji-ing) caused more harm than good in the wonderful world of dating?

Texting has become the primary mode of communication for young people (16-25 years of age) through its relative quick, easy and convenient functions. On the flip side, it’s very difficult to express genuine emotion via text messaging and requires us to pay little attention to the receiver on the other end.

And this is where the problem arouses – attention. Attention and women go hand-in-hand. If you want to keep a woman in your life, I suggest finding every way possible to balance the attention you focus on her, yourself and everyone else. It may seem crazy, but I’m giving you something most men learn the hard way.

What does all this have to do with text messaging? Everything! Women want to feel appreciated. Simply grabbing the phone and putting your thumbs to work requires little effort; it can happen anytime and anywhere (if you have Verizon). Calling someone requires you to stop what you are doing and engage in a healthy conversation. It takes effort; not much effort, but enough effort to make the woman realize that you are interested and care about what she has on her mind. Give her that outlet. Be the guy who everyone says to themselves, “How in the hell did he get her?!” Next time you go on a date with a woman, give her call and explain how much you enjoyed the night together. A simple two-minute conversation could be all the difference in the world.

Technology may have changed. Women have not. Give your thumbs a break and use those manners yo’ momma taught you! A good woman is awaiting.

Happy Dating!

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012