Posted on

Why I Don’t Want Your Number

A few months ago, Miss J wrote an entry addressing the different ways men approach women in hopes of getting their number. Miss J couldn’t have been more spot on with her analysis and her post even inspired two of our readers to create their own blog! It has easily been the most popular entry on our site, so in honor of Miss J’s great work, I feel like it’s time to offer a rebuttal addressing the ladies!

Men have always been accused of trying to make a pass on women every time we open our mouth. Regardless if we are at the bar with a few friends or grocery shopping, the moment we try to engage in conversation – women think we have a bag of tricks up our sleeves. Well, as Barack Obama eloquently stated dozens of times in the presidential debate last night, “It’s just not true!”

Women – I love you, but stop fooling yourselves into believing that every man who tries speaking with you has intentions on “getting yo numbah” or praying that you will join them in their bed tonight. Have you ever considered the simple fact that we just actually want to talk? Believe it or not, women aren’t the only species on earth who enjoy talking.  We love attention, especially from women, so it’s often nice to engage in a nice conversation with an intelligent woman. These conversations can range anywhere from a couple of seconds to several minutes, yet it still doesn’t insinuate we are left wanting or expecting more than a casual exchange of words.

On the flip side, there are definitely men who are looking to approach women for all the wrong reasons. But let’s face it, we aren’t as confident as we claim when approaching you. Yes, we may try to be big and bad with the guys, but often times we are nervous and don’t want to be rejected. Our fear of rejection often stymies any hopes of successfully approaching a women and typically leaves us sitting there with our friends falling into Miss J’s category 4. However, there are certainly occasions when our confidence is booming and ready to conquer the world, yet the women just don’t quite fit the mold.

What makes a woman fall into this category?  It differs for every person, but let’s take a look at a few scenarios…

1. The “I’m the flyest person in here” woman.

Yes – the whole venue is aware that you have arrived. Unfortunately, the attitude you walked in has captured more of my attention than your beauty. It’s okay to be fly, but tone it down a bit.

2. The “Are you going to buy me a drink” woman.

Ooooooh, so you thought because I said hello you were entitled to a drink? How does water on the rocks sound? Your implication of expecting a drink has already spoke volumes of the type of person you are…next! 

3. The “I’m trying too hard to dance correctly” woman.

Please stop running your fingers through your hair while making awkward faces and excuse yourself from the dance floor. If you can’t dance, no need to highlight your worst abilities – just enjoy the music and slowly feel the beat from your seat.

4. The “Too good to be out” woman.

You and I are in the same place, so please remove the look of superiority from your face. If you were going to look every person up and down with disgust, then why did you even come? You, your sparkle-covered iPhone and your Louis purse are contaminating the air.

5. The “My friend thinks you’re hot” woman. 

Hot? I’m grown. Thank you for the compliment, but I’ll pass. Also, sending your friend to do the legwork isn’t the best strategy.

6. The “Too perfect to approach” woman.

You are the perfect blend of sexiness and sophistication, yet I’m too intimidated to even speak. Your beauty is captivating, but I can’t find any ounce of courage to say hello. I have convinced myself I don’t have a chance, so I’ll stare from afar and imagine what could have been.

Ladies, help us out! Every word leaving our mouth is not a setup to something greater, so enjoy the conversation and laugh along with us.  Try it out – you may be surprised to see just how many respectable men are out there!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below:’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

The Transition Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Since you guys have been together through a significant transitioning period in your life, how would you say being in a relationship affects finding yourself and the person who is right for you? Or, is it better to find yourself outside of a relationship?

A: Dear Finding Yourself,

The road to “finding yourself” is continual and gradual – a journey without destination. Everyday we are presented with new experiences, new people, new ideas and all of these play a hand in shaping our personal identities, beliefs and morals. From our genetic makeup to our daily routines, everything influences our lives. We will not wake up out of our sleep with an aha! moment exclaiming, “I found myself!!” It’s just not going to happen. As we continue to grow older and more wiser, we have a stronger grasp and acceptance on the person we are becoming, but I’m not sure if we ever really find ourselves because the act of finding alludes to “the end”; life is never-ending.

Throughout my relationship with Miss J, many people have questioned how we formed personal, separate identities without ever really having time apart. From the outside looking in, I can understand how it may seem difficult, but honestly, my relationship with Miss J has helped (far more that it has hindered) me in discovering the real Justin. When I am experiencing certain emotions or confused on what steps to take next, it is nice to have someone by your side offering a helping solution. Her advice does not directly shape my course of action, but it helps put life in perspective. We often have trouble solving problems looking through our own, biased lens, so to gain the understanding of another who truly has our best interest at heart is a blessing. Despite what these stupid rap lyrics proclaim about being “self-made”, we aren’t much of anything and have difficulty attaining understanding and success without the influences and help of others.

I truly believe the misconception of not being able to find yourself in a relationship stems from a negative view of relationships. I’ll be transparent – I use to look at my relationship with Miss J as a burden in my development. I was frustrated, angry and confused as to why I found myself in this relationship at such a young age. It wasn’t until almost a year ago (after our 2 month split) when I realized that my relationship with Miss J was not a burden at all, instead it was a beautiful partnership with a beautiful person who just wanted to love and support me. I fell victim to the ways of the world who argued I couldn’t discover who I was while dating another. Since shifting my views, I have grown exponentially in my personal life and have discovered new interests and opportunities I never imagined.

I’d encourage everyone to live life one day at a time and not worry about trying find all the answers. As humans, we don’t have the ability to understand it all, but that is the beauty of life. Continue working towards becoming the best person you can be and hold tightly to those who want the best for you. If you are in a relationship or single, the same personal development and growth can be achieved as long as we are willing to view life through a positive lens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Inquiring Mind,

Good question! (Not that there are any bad questions).

Based on my experience, I cannot confidently say you can find yourself completely while in a relationship. Finding yourself requires you to be selfish and it goes against the grain of the amount of sacrifice you need to be in a committed relationship. As Mr. J and I have stated numerous times, we broke up for 2 months. It was at the peak of our transitional phase and there was just no way to grow together when establishing our separate identities.

With that said, I am not sure there is a set amount of time everyone needs to find themselves. For some people it can be 2 years and for others it can be 2 weeks. I think it depends on exactly what you are hoping to find and what you need to discover.

In my case, I needed to discover what it meant to be a woman, what kind of woman I was, what my real hobbies and interest are and if I could be independent. Turns out being a woman means being strong, wise and knowing when to put yourself first. I am a passionate, loving, God-fearing, and smart woman. I LOVE hiking, painting, everything about love, and helping others. I am more than capable of being independent and most of all I am capable of loving myself. I discovered all these things and more in just 2 months! Now it’s funny to think I was ever without the knowledge this “me” existed.

When Mr.J came back around I discovered something else; we have the ability to build our lives together, but still maintain our separate identities. I had found everything I needed to find on my own. The rest of it I can figure out as I go. What a concept! I now know the difference between compromising for the relationship and sacrificing who you are for your relationship. If you are struggling to find that balance it is safe to say you probably need to take some time for yourself. It is also important that when you do find that balance within yourself, the next partner you have allows you to continue to grow.

 Love,

Miss J 

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Why and How?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?

A: Dear Loaded Question,

When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.

Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Long Term, 

I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.

There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?

The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.

Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Miss J

Have a question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’SUBMIT QUESTIONS ANNONYMOUSLY BELOW: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

*By submitting your question to the love jays you grant them the right to publish your question and the answer  in all media.

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

A Little Appreciation Goes a Long Way

When I am driving alone it is not uncommon for me to turn off my music and just let my thoughts flow. I was on my way to meet my family at a theme park this Sunday after church and on the drive over, I could not stop thinking about how much I truly appreciated Mr. J.

He is kind, thoughtful, encouraging, supportive, loving, my best friend and just all around awesome. The whole ride I was counting my blessings and thinking about how thankful I am for him.

As fate would have it, while in the theme park, my dad, two of my twenty-something female cousins and I were talking about relationships. My father expressed how important it is to sit a man down and tell him how much you appreciate everything he does to contribute to your relationship. My first thought was “Well that’s not a problem, I always let my man know he is appreciated.” My second thought was, “Wait, when was the last time I actually said it to him instead of thinking it to myself?” I literally could not remember. I say I love you all of the time; I also let him know how I feel about him individually and about us as a couple, but I do not tell him how grateful I am for all his contributions enough.

As women we often feel we need to be on the receiving end of praise, after all men are the unappreciative half of our species…right? Wrong. A vital part of love is showing and stating your appreciation for one another. It is not enough to just think it and be happy on the inside knowing you have a keeper. It is information worth sharing! Shout it from the rooftops, tell all your friends, jump on Oprah’s couch; but most importantly look your significant other in the eye and let them know how much you notice and appreciate all they do.

My father’s quote of the day was this, “It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it.”

Now I know the phrase “don’t put a woman on a pedestal” comes to mind right away; I had to really think about what he was trying to say too. What it means to me is that women deserve to be held at the highest regard and every need should be met to the best of that man’s ability. In turn, the effort of the man should never go unnoticed by the woman if he is trying his best. Being from the new school, I would like to change it to this: “ It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it AND vice-versa.” 😉

When I saw Mr. J Sunday night I told him exactly what I appreciated about him, and guess what? He was happy! I noticed and cared enough to say something about it! So there you have it, SAY SOMETHING, you won’t be sorry you did.

Love,

Miss J

Have a question for the Love Jays? Submit it here!

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Year of the Woman

Google Images

A few weeks ago, my pastor preached a lecture series called the “Year of the Woman”. He spoke about the important role women play in our society, the power all women possess inside of them, acknowledged the driving power to keep women “in their place”, yet what struck me the most weren’t any of the sentiments expressed above. He looked every man in the eye and challenged us to recognize the crucial role we play in assisting women to earn their respective place in society. He called us to be Joseph’s (husband of Mary, mother of Jesus) of the world – men who make a full effort to manifest the dreams and destiny of a woman.

I write this blog with the hope of inspiring young men and women to examine their behaviors and understand the importance women play in our lives. In today’s society, it’s almost impossible to turn on a popular radio station or movie without hearing a negative comment about women. B-this. H-that. And what makes it even worse, our culture has grown completely immune to such name calling and has WOMEN using the words as terms of endearment for each other!

Sit on that.

We must understand progress towards a better world starts with the elevating of a woman. Men have been running this country forever, but of those men running it, how many of them had a strong woman supporting them along the way? Despite your views or political affiliation, do you honestly believe Barack Obama is the same man without Michelle? Martin without Corretta? FDR without Eleanor? She (Michelle) is the anchor to his success and he understands her value. Sure, men can argue until they are blue in the face about “I put in the long days”, “I worked for this” or as Drake so eloquently stated, “B****, you wasn’t with me shootin’ in the gym!” It’s a fair argument, but only a fool believes a man is at his best without a good woman behind them.

What if the roles were reversed and it was a man’s job to support their wife in any endeavor she wanted to peruse? As a man, would you be willing to humble yourself? If you are unable to say ‘yes’ to some part of this question, I challenge you to reexamine your ideals. Women were not placed here to cater to a man’s dream; God placed a dream inside of every woman’s heart, so how dare we (men) limit women in attaining their goals and dreams. It’s time to embrace the woman. Empower the woman. Respect the woman. LOVE the woman! We have come a long way as a generation, but we still have a long way to go. Let’s be mindful of the words we use when referencing to a women; let’s be mindful the way we treat women. Above all, let’s set free our negativity and replace it with positivity.

I would be lying to you by not admitting my guilt in every aspect I speak about. I have helped in contributing to the demeaning of women. I’m not proud of my guilt, but I recognize it. Fortunately, we all have the ability to change. I have made a commitment to manifest the dreams of the women around me and to respect women through my words and actions. Because I am human, I will slip-up. I ask for forgiveness ahead of time and ask all of you to join me in my journey.

For the men reading this post: Help facilitate change. Swim upstream. Honor the woman.

For the woman reading this post: You are beautiful. You are strong. You are intelligent. You have a dream inside of you that the Earth is in need of receiving. Spread your wings and begin to fly. The world is at your feet!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have a question for the Love Jays? Submit it by email here or anonymously using our comment box!

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below:’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

What’s on the Dating Menu?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am dating this girl and I like her, but I am known to get bored. Lately she has been hinting at wanting something more. What is the point in making it official if I know I will eventually get bored? Should I try it just for the sake of trying?

A: Dear Boredom,

“Getting bored easily” is one of the most commonly used expressions by men when asked about starting a relationship. I firmly believed that if you get bored really easily, it would probably be in your best interest to stay out of relationships. My view has shifted. While “getting bored easily” still has some validity, it is another excuse in the man’s handbook: 1001 Ways to Convince Yourself and Others Relationships are not for Me.

The opportunity to start a relationship with another person should be looked at as a positive thing. In today’s world, relationships have been misconstrued, distorted and made out to be the worst idea for anyone under the age of 25.

“Have fun in your 20’s!”
“GET IT IN!!”
“You have the rest of your life to be in a relationship!”

Any of these sound familiar? We are constantly bombarded by external pressures and ideas that subconsciously shape our views towards relationships and helps us rationalize why a relationship isn’t right for us. I like this girl, but…She is a good person, but…I could see myself dating her in the future, but…the list is endless. The purpose of dating is to determine whether or not you can see yourself in a relationship with the person. Do not try just for the sake of trying; make an honest evaluation of your current situation and the next steps should make themselves clear!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I guess I can try, 

No, you should not “try just for the sake of trying”; you aren’t contemplating what you want for dinner – you are deciding whether or not you want to take it a step further with another human being (who has their own thoughts, feelings, and life outside of you). If she wants something more and you don’t see the point, don’t do it.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012