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Secret to Success

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you think are the secrets to a relationship filled with excitement and longevity?

A: Dear Secrets to a Happy Relationship:

The “secrets” to developing a relationship built to last a lifetime is no secret at all – surprise!

Couples who continually find new ways to redefine their relationship, laugh together, sacrifice (time, energy, money, etc.), communicate effectively and love unconditionally will typically find themselves in relationships that span many years rather than the American standard – a few months (I actually have no idea what the average length of relationship is for young people in America, but with the social media and friends dictating WAY too much of what we do/say/believe, I’m comfortable with my estimation).

On the surface, the examples stated above seem relatively straightforward and easy. But as you already know (at least I hope), hard work, dedication and effort are at the heart of a relationship that is built to last! As the old cliché goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Simply put – it takes time.

Couples have to be willing to work hard, yet enjoy the work that is being accomplished. Will the work always be fun? No. Will you always get your way? No. Will there be a time when you want to scream at the top of your lungs and hurl an object in their direction? Absolutely.

Love is a continual growing process. If you both understand that there is always room to grow, you will find yourself answering this question instead of asking it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Secret Smecret, 

I really don’t think there is any “secret”, but there are some major factors that contribute to a long and exciting relationship.

First and foremost you must be compatible with your mate. Sounds simple, but a lot of people end up dating people they are not compatible with. It’s not about similar interest, it is about balance. When making the decision to spend a huge chunk of time with someone you want it to be with a person who just fits. Don’t force yourself to be with someone because on paper they are exactly what you want and what you think you need. I am well aware everyone has a “type”, but sometimes having a type hinders you. Choose the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.

The second factors are communication and compromise! You have to let your significant other in on what you are thinking and what you need and while doing so you have to be willing to listen to their wants and needs. Compromise should always be healthy and it should balance out one way or the other. One person should not be sacrificing everything all the time, while another person sacrifices one little thing every once in a while. It can’t work and it won’t work. Someone will eventually break. Both communication and compromise are a 2 way street. You both have to work hard or you will fail hard.

Third, I would say the key is sharing. I’m not talking about sharing a bite of your food or sharing the last piece of your favorite cake. I am talking about sharing life goals, dreams, secrets, laughs, childhood stories,flaws, forbidden desires, quirks, awkward moments and memories. You have to be willing to share your entire life beyond the physical. I believe this is where the magic of a spiritual and emotional bond happens. This is also the point in which a person gets to decide if they really want to stick around, and if they do, they truly love you for you.

Other than that…HAVE FUN!!! Your partner in crime should be your best friend. The person who just gets you, but when they don’t, you can talk about it. Before you know it you will have shared everything and gained two times of what you had in the beginning.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Real Life Twilight Love Triangle

Disclaimer: This is not all about Twilight, pinky promise!

This one is for the women….

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! News broke this morning that Miss Kristen Stewart (Bella) has cheated on Mr. Robert Pattinson (Edward) with Mr. Rupert Sanders (Director of Snow White and the Huntsman). Sorry Twi-hards, I guess the honeymoon is over. But wait, there’s more! Not only did Kristen cheat on Rob, she cheated on him with a married man.  Rupert, 41 and married with 2 young children met  22 year old Kristen Stewart while on set of Snow White and the Huntsman. Recently the two were caught cupcaking on camera. *cue incriminated pictures* Oops.

Though Rob and Kristen have always played coy to the public eye it is no secret that Rob is/was completely and totally in love with her. This made me wonder, why would a 22 year old successful woman in a (from what we can see) healthy relationship feel the need to fool around with a married man? What am I missing…

Judge as we may, Kristen is not the only one to fall into the arms of an already claimed man. It doesn’t make you an evil person (just an evil doer for a period of time ). I have heard various reasons as to why men step out of their marriage, each excuse more pathetic than the last; but I am curious as to why a woman with all the options in the world would opt for the man that is already spoken for.

What purpose does it really serve? I don’t want the answer that women say just because they don’t want to be judged, I want the REAL reason. Is it the thrill, is it the fact he is capable of commitment (only if and when he leaves his wife for you of course), is it the fact that there are no real strings attached, is it boredom, is it the possibility of winning a man from another woman? What is it?!? Don’t be shy, Chime in!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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The Case of the Open Relationship

Q: Dear Love Jays,

For younger couples-

Since this a time focused on discovery and growth, Do you think open relationships can be succesful?

A: Dear Open Relationship,

Open relationships…people really have these? Oops, let me get to the question.

Can open relationships be successful? Sure. Will open relationships typically turn into a serious and loving relationship? I’ll bet against it.

Open relationships are poor excuses for people who aren’t mature enough to make a serious commitment. Why even waste the energy to be in an “open relationship” when you will most likely act the same if your were single? I understand it’s nice to have someone who you can talk to everyday, hang out with often and satisfy each others physical desires; however, there comes a point when one of the parties involved will start developing emotions much stronger than the “open relationship” contract allows. It’s a ticking time bomb that is waiting to explode. I am all for people using their 20’s as a time to focus on discovery and growth, so if that is truly what you are focused on, let’s not waste anyone’s time with a pseudo-relationship.

If you want a relationship – embrace all the aspects of one. If you aren’t ready to embrace that role, that’s okay. Enjoy the precious moments of the single life – discover yourself, go on dates, meet new people, act a fool and tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other social media platform that’s on your iPhone!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Open for business, 

That’s a tough call. As a female I would argue it depends on whose idea it is. If it is the male’s call and the female’s intention is to go along with it until he is ready to commit I don’t think it will ever turn into anything of substance. If it is the female’s call and the reason is for discovery and growth (with the intention of eventually making it work) I think it is easier for a male to go along with that without getting to emotionally invested before the right time. It’s just a fact of life, men and women have different emotional makeup, be it nature or nurture we are different and what we can handle and how long we can handle it depends heavily on that fact.  If you are both on the same page then more power to you! I think it is manageable, but I also think in the end someone always end up getting hurt. Let me put it this way, either one of you has ever said “You can do whatever you want outside of what we have, I just don’t want to hear about it”  it is not going to end well.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

 

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To Tell or Not to Tell?

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

So I met this really nice, cute, intelligent , good personality, the list could go on type of guy. We haven’t been talking very long but so far things have been going good. Here is the catch I just recently found out that his good friend is a guy I sort of hooked up with u can say . what do I do? Do I tell him or just let them figure it out?

A: Dear I kind-of sort-of hooked up with his friend:

The most important factor in this question is the following: how long ago did you hook up with his friend? If it was a few months ago – who cares! If we are talking a few days ago or maybe even a few weeks ago, that may raise a few eyebrows.

One-and-done hookups typically don’t mean much (for some people at least), so it should be safe to say that none of this is an issue and bringing it up for conversation would serve almost no purpose. I must admit though, men are territorial and tend to gossip more than women, so if the hookup was good or bad, I’ll bet the house your current interest will probably know about it! Just sit back, relax and carry-on things as normal. If he brings it up – discuss it; I’m sure the conversation won’t last longer than 10 seconds!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear What he Doesn’t Know, 

Yes, you have to tell him! If you don’t, best believe his friend will. It is man code. A female will sit and watch her friend fall in love with a guy she hooked up with without saying a word, but a man…forget about it. In fact, he may already know. The sooner you tell him the better. The longer you go without telling him the more it will make you look bad when the truth comes out and believe me the truth WILL eventually come out. It always does. It doesn’t have to be a long convo, just sit him down and let him know. You don’t have to go into all the gory details. Chances are whether he knows or not he will appreciate you being up front. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Can I Get Your Number? Can I have it?!

This One is for the guys…

We have all see the “Can I get yo numba” skit on Mad TV and shared a few laughs, but the reality is that ACTUALLY happens. Though I do appreciate the opinion of Mr. J, I am curious to know what you all think. What makes a woman approachable? I am not talking about being hit on, I mean coming correct so to speak. I myself am no stranger to being hit on, but it is on rare occasion a man actually approaches me the correct way. You may ask, what exactly is the “correct way” don’t fret, I will break it down. Now of course on such occasions I promptly tell them I am happily taken, but none the less it is a much less annoying experience when approached the correct way. In my experience there are 5 types of men and they are as follows:

 1. The ‘Trifflin’ One 

We have all seen him, at the club, on the street, at the mall, in the gym…seriously they are EVERYWHERE! They always get just a little too close to you and it usually goes a little something like this…“ Ay Ma, I’m sayin though let do this” Pause. I am not your mother and do what exactly? I never respond well to this. Ever. At best you will receive a side eye and if you catch me in a really good mood I may just laugh. The kicker is is when they refuse to go away and they start walking with you, in which case you let them know you have a boyfriend (whether you do or don’t). Almost every time, without fail they say “Well do you have room for anymore friends?” Sir…you clearly have no interest in being my friend.No.

 2. The ‘I’m too Infatuated to Communicate Effectively’ One 

Though it is not the worst thing to be extremely attracted to someone, if it has been over an hour and you are still enamored it tells me you can’t see past that. Beauty is fleeting and so is infatuation. Next!

 3.The ‘Act Like I want to be Your Friend but that was Never My Intention’ One 

You know the deal, you are somewhere hanging out. You find a spot away from all the other thirsty men and all of the sudden here another one comes…so you think. He actually just asks to sit down and you start with small talk. You think “phew” and automatically put him in the friend zone and deem him as harmless. As the conversation wraps up he asks for your number, which wouldn’t be so bad had he not text/called you right away just to make sure it is you. Ugh I can’t stand the sneak attack! ALL BAD.

 4. The “The I actually have potential, but not enough guts to approach you” One

He stares at you from afar and you stare back, but that’s it. End of Story.

 5. The “I actually know how to approach a woman” One 

This is the guy that walks up with confidence. He introduces himself, his intentions are clear, but respectful. You speak briefly and he suggest you meet up at a later date and you exchange numbers. Now is that so hard? Perfect. *That was the breakdown, so simple*

I am sure there are various other approaches, but these are the approaches I am most familiar with. I am happily taken, but each time I experience scenarios 1-4 I can’t help but feel for my single female friends. Guys, what determines what kind of approach you will have, that is if you decide to approach at all. What deters you from being a gentlemen with clear and respectful intentions every single time? Ladies feel free to get in on this too!

Looking forward to your input!

Love,

Miss J

* Check out Mr. J’s rebuttal here.

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Doing your Part

Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?

A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:

 Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.

The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.

One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Squeaky Clean, 

In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah. 

My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home)  and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof! 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012