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It’s All About Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m sure this will sound like a silly problem to have, but it seems to be on my mind a lot.

My boyfriend has an extremely high sex drive (abnormally high actually, even for a guy). I keep up pretty well! And I’m always flattered by how much he wants me or how much he’s attracted to me (and just me too). However, I frequently find myself upset because despite whether we are in great moods, having a serious conversation, having fun, or fighting like crazy, practically everything that comes out of his mouth is sex-oriented. Everything is always about sex, usually. Things always seem to be very sexual or physical.

What do you guys think??

A: Dear Hyperactive Sex Drive,

More often than not, we hear stories about people getting frustrated with a lack of sexaul activity within thier relationship. While I do believe not being sexed right will lead to problems, being oversexed just might lead to problems as well.

Let’s be candid. Sex is an important aspect of most relationships. It’s how we communicate physically with those we care about…most times. And just like any other language, we have to practice and learn the best ways to incorporate it within our relationship.

Sex must be handled responsibly. Shifting our focus to “all-sex-everything” may be a sign of emotional immaturity and a lack of understanding on how to effectively communicate our feelings with our partner. It’s okay to have sex – I’m not arguing against it. But it’s important to understand that sex is only one aspect of the relationship. A strong relationship must be well-rounded and equally proportioned.

If it’s really starting to bother you, I would encourage you to initiate a conversation with your boyfriend. Explain to him how you are feeling and try to figure out why sex is the only thing on his mind. As I always say, communication is key.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Crazy [Sex] Drive Me Crazy, 

We live in an overly sexualized society. There are sexual stimuli EVERYWHERE! Add those stimuli to a man with a healthy dose of testosterone and voila, we have your boyfriend. 

Studies show, on average, men think of sexual activity about once every hour. Let’s say that the man is awake for 15 hours, he has now (supposedly) thought about sex 15 times that day. Now let’s say the man has an overactive sex drive and for arguments sake he maybe has thought about sex twice an hour making his total thought count 30 times in one day. If he sees something/someone (you)  who can relive his desire he is going to go for it, no matter what the mood. 

Girl World Clarification: You have made the declaration to hit the gym and stay away from sweets. You wake up to discover aunt Flo has come to town and all you want is Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. You  resist the urge because you will have Heidi Klum’s legs in a month even if it kills you. As the day goes by little things keep reminding you of Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. You go to the gym and have an ok work out, even though you know it could have been better, at least it was better than nothing. You have to meet a friend for dinner, and on your way there you pass a Yogurtland. You resist again. At dinner you order a vegetables and maybe baked chicken, but you are not satisfied. All you want is Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. As you are leaving the restaurant you notice another froyo shop, it’s not Yogurtland. It’s not necessarily the right time; but you have been thinking about chocolate froyo all day, and you did at least go to the gym.That’s it! You are going to get it right here, right now! Chocolate froyo is chocolate froyo, right?

To sum it up your man is spending a lot of time thinking about sex and you have become the solution to his sex craving. That’s why no matter what is going on in your relationship at the time he still wants to do it. He wants it and he wants it BAD. It even sounds like he has removed emotion from the sex equation and made it a very regular physical need. Sex should not just be something you do habitually. 

The best thing you can do is break it down to him. Nicely of course. You said you often find yourself upset, it’s time to let him know! You are not a sex object, nor will you tolerate him treating you as such. 

I’m going to get some chocolate froyo now! 

Good Luck! 

Love, 

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

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For the Love of Hip Hop

TeamBackPack

If you are a hip hop artist or just a fan of hip hop in general, this video is definitely worth checking out.

You’re Welcome.

Love,
J&J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWK2CMoi1BA]

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Soul Mate(s)

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have read through most of your post and wonder what is your he said/ she said version of soul mates/ twin flames?

A: Dear Thoughts about Soul Mates,

With billions of people living on earth, the chances of meeting our actual soul mate can be pretty intimidating. Social media and online dating have made it much easier to connect with complete strangers by narrowing our target audience, but it still doesn’t eliminate the long and arduous road some travel in finding a mate.

I definitely believe soul mates do exist, yet I don’t feel it’s as uncommon as some may think. When we traditionally think of “soul mates”, we create this fairy-tale of a story about two people who are so madly in love and will spend the rest of their lives together in eternal bliss. Our society has created this façade that cripples people into believing their soul mate will fulfill every item on their checklist and only a select few will ever get to experience it.

PSA: FALSE!

Finding your soul mate isn’t all about finding the perfect person; it’s about finding the person who simply makes you a better you. The person who makes you smile, laugh, cry; the person you enjoy seeing everyday and loving; your best friend. We are often presented with people who could be our soul mate(s), yet we may not be ready or open to receiving such a blessing. Lord knows, I wasn’t ready to find Miss J at 18, but there comes a point when you stop fighting and you let nature take its course.

They say good things always come when you least expect it, so just live and stop worrying about finding your soul mate. Be open and willing to accept/give love and I’m sure someone will come wandering in your direction. The question is, will you be ready?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Questioning The Existence Of Soul Mates, 

To truly believe in a soul mate, I think it is important to understand exactly what a soul mate is. In Greek mythology, it is said a single human being consisted of a male and female in one body. Zeus feared the power of the male and female together as one, so he separated them into two separate bodies leaving them to roam the earth in search of their other half. Today, a soul mate is defined as a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament. In layman’s terms, a soul mate is supposed to be someone who “just gets you”.

I think we encounter several “soul mates” in life. Some in the form of friendship, mentors, family, and of course romance. In terms of romance, I do believe in “the one”. But I also believe that “the one” may not be your “one and only” or they could in fact be just that.

Let me explain…

Let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love. You understand each other and things just make sense. Now let’s say (God forbid) something tragic happens and that person passes away. I cannot and do not believe that you are damned to live the rest of your life without the prospect of having that connection ever again.

I also do not believe any relationship is effortless, soul mate or otherwise. So now let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love and you connect on every level, but you don’t work at anything. You let the relationship rot. Well in that case I think you are prematurely ending things with the one person who may be designated as your soul mate for a longer period of time than you decided to stay together. Does that make sense?

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is extremely hard to tell who is in your life for which reason so your best option is to love always.

So in short I guess my answer is yes, I believe in soul mates. There may or may not be more than one. Either way you will have to work hard at the relationship. Love hard and love always. You can’t go wrong with that.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Couples Counseling

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you guys think it’s a smart idea to go to some form of couples counseling prior to committing to marriage?

A: Dear Pre-Marriage Counseling,

Marriage is a very exciting and serious commitment for any relationship and should not be taken lightly. While we pride ourselves on knowing almost everything about our partner, we may not be aware of some thoughts, feeling or behaviors that may cause conflict down the road. When we decide to marry someone, we plan on staying with them until “death does you part” (though in America, I’m not too sure those words hold any value), so it would probably be beneficial to attend couples training or counseling prior to marriage.

I haven’t had any personal experiences with these training classes or sessions, but my married and soon to be married friends who have participated in such training have thoroughly enjoyed it. In all honesty, what’s the worst that can happen? You have made the decision to wed this individual, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises…I hope.

If you go in hopes of determining if your significant other is Mr. or Mrs. right, then you have misunderstood some key elements along the way. I’m sure there are many couples who did not seek counseling or training prior to marriage and are living great lives. If you decide to attend, great. If not, great, too!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Counsel,

Marriage is a huge commitment and the biggest leap a couple can make. It is literally called “The Plunge”. Like any other large decision it is always best to do anything you can to ensure you are looking at all aspects of the decision you are making.

Someone who specializes in marriage counseling knows exactly what questions you should be asking each other and what you can truly expect out of marriage. This is not to say they know exactly how your marriage is going to pan out, that part is up to you, but they can give you tips on how to manage things within the new territory of marriage.

Some may argue that they do not need a third-party butting into their relationship. To those people I would say to try not to think of them as “another person”, but to instead think about them as a helping hand. At the end of the day the goal is to equip the couple with useful tools that lead to success, not to test the relationship.

I think marriage counseling is an excellent idea. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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The “Shouldn’t I Be Able To Go Through His Phone” Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

If you are with a guy and you ask him to see his phone should that be a problem?

A: Dear Phone Spy,

Oh how much we love/hate our phones. It’s virtually impossible (more like inconvenient) not having our phones around us the majority of the time. Whether it’s a text message, Twitter or Facebook alert, Instagram likes, emails, missed calls – you name it, our phones are always buzzing. While it’s great to be connected and all, phones have definitely been the source of many, many relationship issues and breakups. The avenues for talking to people are practically endless and getting caught up is relatively easy.

Growing up, my father always told me, “Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to because I’m subject to tell you the truth!” I’m sure every woman, including Miss J, would disagree with this statement. But if you really analyze his point, it’s valid. This statement is not carte blanche for people to just act up and disrespect the person they are dating, good try though. It simply means, if you are looking for trouble, you may find trouble. And if you do find something you don’t like, well…that’s on you.

At any given point, a woman will likely find something in her man’s phone that she does not like, approve of, or agree with. Let’s just face the facts. Men are men, women are women. Is it right or respectful of him to engage in conversation with another woman, it’s up to you to decide based on your own merits. If you are dating a jealous or insecure person, it would probably be wise to act accordingly. Miss J doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body, but I’m not going around talking, texting or tweeting every woman in my phone. It’s respect. Every relationship has their own definition of respect, so if that conversation hasn’t happened, time to get on the good foot!

Is it a problem asking your guy to hand over his phone? No. But rest assured, if you find out some information that doesn’t sit well with you, I’ll just say, I told you so.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Just a Peek,

People tend to guard their cell phones like it is a diary. In a sense, cell phones are an additional fingerprint. They are tailored to the needs of a specific individual. They also hold information the owner uses on a somewhat regular basis. Some things are personal, others not so personal.

Going through someone’s phone, like it or not, is an invasion of personal space. I have looked at Mr. J’s phone in the past, not because I was looking for anything, I was just plain curious.

*Cue all the men in the world saying, “Yeah, right!”*

It’s true! To be honest, I saw some things I did not like. Had I been looking for dirt in the first place, what I found would have just added fuel to the fire. But because I went in just for the sake of being nosey, I ended up pissed I looked in the first place. It’s not like I can yell at him for what I found. I could have, but we would both be in the wrong. No one will ever win that battle. It’s like reading someone’s diary and going off on them about what they wrote.

 You will ALWAYS find something to be mad about when looking through a man’s phone…ALWAYS. In an ideal world, your man would only be texting his family members and a few girlfriend approved friends talking about how much he loves you and how special you are to him. In reality, what you will really find is a bunch of texts about sports, life topics that have nothing to do with you, and some girl’s boobs he saw while standing in line at the grocery store.

It is up to the individual whether or not they want to let you look in their phone. Now if you are asking to use his phone to make a phone call and he is all up in arms, then I would say he most likely has something to hide. But if you ask to see his phone just to see if he is up to anything, then I would say you don’t trust him and certainly know why. When a woman knows, she knows. Leave the phone out of it.

If you want to just be nosey, by all means, go for it. If you find something you don’t like, have fun keeping it to yourself!

Good Luck!

Love,

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

The holidays are the best time of the year. We spend quality time with family and friends (some who we haven’t seen in years), indulge in over consumption of home-cooked meals, drink endless bottles of wine and champagne, play fun games and find out interesting facts about the people you have known your whole life, laugh the night away, snuggle in front of the fire, listen to holiday music, watch your favorite movies, but most importantly, we get the opportunity to simply enjoy life and be grateful for the friends and family in our lives.

Far too often, we get caught in our day-to-day and take for granted the opportunities we have been afforded, the places we have visited and the people nearest to our heart. It’s not often we get a chance to unplug from the world and focus our attention to what really matters in life. So for this holiday season, I challenge all of you to spend time with your love ones, reach out to old friends, say I love you, cry a little bit, smile. Extend your thank yous beyond those who have prepared the Thanksgiving feast and spend quality time reflecting on all your blessings and truly give thanks.

I want to take this opportunity to give a sincere thank you to everyone who has supported the Love Jays and has played a part in its success. I could have never imagined how rewarding it has been helping friends and strangers navigate through life. I am deeply humbled by all of you and can’t express my appreciation enough. Miss J, I love you more words can describe and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. To all my friends and family, thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and I look forward to celebrating many more victories with you.

Happy Holidays!

With gratitude,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012