Unlearning the Lessons You’ve Taught Yourself

We’ve all been there. You were cruising along, not a care in the world when BAM! You get hit by reality. I was in my first semester of sophomore year at University, in my dance clothes, sitting on a bench in front of the science building, staring at a fountain while on the phone with my mother. I wasn’t happy. I was complaining about my experience in school thus far. The dance department wasn’t what I thought it would be and neither were the students on campus. I knew it wasn’t going to be the most diverse experience, but I never expected it to be as isolating as it was. This was higher education, and I hated it.
Upon hearing this, my mother didn’t say what I thought I needed her to say at the time. Instead of telling me it would all be okay, she opted to tell me all the sacrifices she and my father were making in order to allow me to have the experience I loathed so much. She also told me that they would love to sacrifice less, so if I was really that unhappy, I could always transfer. She was right, I could have, but I didn’t. I stayed because I thought it was the least I could do. I stayed because I heard it was going to prepare me for the real world. I stayed because I needed to practice misery, gradually, so that one day, I wouldn’t even notice the feeling anymore.
So stayed I did, for the full four  years, and I was absolutely miserable. I could not WAIT to leave. I lacked guidance and although I searched for a mentor, I never found a good fit. I had strong will with no direction and lost almost every battle I tried to fight.
I thought I was teaching myself to be grateful for sacrifices others made for me, to endure misery as a means to a rewarding end and to pick battles I couldn’t win to develop thick skin. What I really taught myself is that it’s okay to exist in a state of resentment. I taught myself that my happiness doesn’t matter as long as it’s sacrificed for something I deem as the greater good and that maybe I wasn’t meant to win battles.
I taught myself wrong.
Now, I know discontent acts as a compass. If the arrow is pointed towards stagnation, then I need to move, stat!
I know complaining is the denial of responsibility. By refusing this responsibility, I relinquish my power and miss the opportunity to make a change.
I know resentment is often the result of letting myself down. I have to trust in my gut and always go towards what I believe to be the right decision.
I know although sacrifices may have been made on my behalf with a particular goal in mind, the ultimate goal was to put me in a position in which I could truly thrive. That’s the debt I owe. There is no reason to tolerate misery for something I don’t even want.
I know some battles are lost and others are won, but in the end, the battle I refuse to lose, is the fight for living the life I choose.
xoxo,
JOY
I’d love to know what lessons you’ve had to unlearn. Please leave a comment below and share your story!

Release and Reinvent: Letting Go Of Your Past To Create A Better Future

Father’s Day is a time for families to celebrate the important role fathers play in their lives. But for some, the holiday is a painful reminder of a relationship underdeveloped, derailed, or dismissed.

Miss J and I have been fortunate to have our fathers in our lives since birth. When we received the below question, we knew it was time to take a step back and allow someone else to share their experience.

Please welcome, Miss M.

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Kind of ironic with Father’s Day just passing but here it goes. I have always had a pretty rough relationship with my dad and it has started to show in my relationship with my significant other. Whether it’s my insecurities and what-not, or his similarities to my dad, I see more and more problems stem from my relationship with my dad. Any advice?

A: Dear Deterring Dating Dilemma,

First and foremost, I’d like to acknowledge you (and please acknowledge yourself as well!) for recognizing the effect your relationship with your Dad is playing in your relationship with your significant other. As someone who has experienced this before, I understand that is not an easy thing to recognize or admit. Seeing it and wanting the change is the first step to a positive breakthrough!

Your question really resonated with me because, similarly, I had a rough relationship with my Dad growing up. It was not until recently that I released all past resentment and got complete with my father. But the road to forgiveness was not easy. I battled with insecurities, resentment, and abandonment issues for years and I wasn’t always aware of them. It filtered into every aspect of my life; romantic relationships, family relationships, and occasionally friendships. In some areas it was more severe than others (i.e., family & love), but it affected all aspects of my life nonetheless. In retrospect, I realized the relationship that suffered the most was my relationship with myself. I had not always realized it, but because of the negative feelings I was harboring for my father, it changed the way I viewed myself. It affected who I was being in the world, and who I was being for the ones who shared my world with me.

One of the best things that you can do for people in your life is to love and accept them for who they are and not expect them to change. It was impossible for me to love others wholly when I was not whole and complete. I knew in order for things to change, I had to change. Which also meant I had to change the way I viewed my past with my father, and the role I was letting my past play in my present. My breakthrough and steps to healing occurred during a weekend at a personal development seminar. It was revealed to me that I had a lot of “blind spots” holding me back in life. One of the biggest blind spots — my relationship with my father! It was that weekend when I REALLY realized what a significant role my estranged relationship with my Dad played in all aspects of my life.

I knew in order for things to change, I was going to have to forgive my father and let the past be the past. This was not easy to accept at first because in my mind he didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But I had to get clear on the fact forgiveness is not always for the other person, forgiveness is often for yourself. Freeing yourself of that anger brings you peace no matter the cirumstance.

The quote by Gautama Buddha, “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”, held more truth to me than ever during this time.

The advice I want to give to you: forgive your father and free yourself from the past. Only then will you see a shift in your entire life.

Now, you may be saying “Well, how?” or even “Over my dead body! That ain’t happening!” (I was there at one point ,haha!). Or you may be open to the idea, but not sure where to start the process. Whatever space you’re in is perfect because these things don’t happen overnight, and everyone’s journey is different. But here are some nuggets that I used that may help you put things into perspective…

1.) Nothing that your father did had anything to do with you.

Many people who go through rough relationships with a parent(s), myself included, and assign meaning to the actions or absence of that parent(s). “My father left because he didn’t love me”, “My Mom gave me up for adoption because I wasn’t good enough“, etc. These feelings are not wrong. They are natural emotions in response to not feeling loved, but please get very clear on the fact that these feelings are not fact! They are the conclusion we draw to what took place. People make mistakes in life. Sometimes these mistakes are selfish, crucial, or life changing; mistakes that do not only affect them, but an entire group of people. These mistakes are made due to an internal battle the person is fighting and is not a reflection on those whom were affected.

After I decided to forgive my Dad, I mustered up the courage to call him on the phone.

We hadn’t spoken in six years.

I had to get his number from another family member, and as his phone rang, I swore I was going to throw up! As soon as he answered and realized it was me, he instantly started crying. Before I knew it, we were both crying. We had a heart to heart and I was very candid with him on the role that his actions and absence played in my life. I know it was not easy for him to hear, but he made sure to let me know nothing he did was my fault. I made sure to let him know I was no longer holding onto any of it. I realized my decisions were up to me no matter what he did in the past. He was going through a crisis in his own life and made a series of bad choices because of it. Our conversation ended well, and I got off the phone knowing I was loved…something that I had never felt from him before.

2.) Find a way to get complete with your father through communicating with him.

I know this step may take some time and it will never be easy or feel comfortable. As I stated before, calling my father was the most nerve wrecking experience ever! But it’s worth it. If your father is still alive, I encourage you to meet with him in a place where you would feel comfortable or call him on the phone. If your father is deceased, or it’s truly impossible to get in contact with him, write a letter to him as if you were speaking to him directly. Take this as an opportunity to express how you feel, while still taking responsibility for your own life. Acknowledge where you’re at right now. As tempting as it may be, do not use this opportunity to dump on him or tell him what a horrible person you think he is. This communication is for you both to have an open and honest conversation with each other, and for you to be the bigger person and create a space for a new type relationship with your father.

This does not mean you have to start being super close to him (unless you want to) nor does it mean he has to be your new BFF. This is simply opening a space to start fresh and get to know each other free of the past. No longer child to father, but adult to adult. Accepting his flaws and all.

Most importantly, do not be attached to the outcome of this situation. If your father responds positively, amazing. If not, it still has nothing to do with you. Let him know he’s forgiven and that you’re releasing the resentment. If he’s ever open to the possibility of a new relationship, you’re open to it. Either way, take comfort in knowing you completed the necessary steps to become whole. Leave feeling great and remember forgiveness is for YOU!

3.) Take responsibility for your life.

Anything in your life is up to you, my friend. Your past does not have to dictate your present or your future. Now that you’ve recognized where you’re struggling, take the steps necessary to fix it. You have the power to change things for yourself.

As Eric Thomas always says, “Make the rest of your life, the BEST of your life!”

Once you begin to apply these things to your life, you will see and feel a complete shift in your relationships and the way you relate to other people. This life is beautiful. Embrace your future and free yourself of your past.

 “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference” – The Serenity Prayer

 Xoxo,

M

© LoveJays 2013

 

Loving Yourself

Two months ago, Miss J and I were sitting in her apartment when a friend suggested we start a blog giving love advice to young people. We each swept the idea under the rug in the beginning, but as a few weeks passed, the two of us decided to give it a shot. Miss J has always been passionate about love and giving advice, while I typically just gave advice because I enjoy talking and like the sound of my own voice. Miss J and I brainstormed a name for the blog, did a bit of research then BOOM – July 13th came and Love Jays was born. I had never written anything about relationships, dating, love or any of the other topics we discuss on this platform, but I quickly realized what we were doing was something people actually enjoy! If you look back at all the articles, we have touched on various different topics relating to “all-things-love”, but we have never really touched on the most important love topic – loving yourself.

Loving yourself sounds easy enough, but the act of truly loving ourselves is one of the most challenging quest all of us will face or are currently facing. Up until about a year ago, I couldn’t be convinced that I didn’t love me some me. Everywhere I went, I was the loudest person within a 10 mile radius, always wanted to be the center of attention and couldn’t wait to talk some sh*t with my friends. I was an absolute clown, but I was convinced I loved that person everyone grew to know. When I graduated college, everything changed.

My basketball career was over. My closest friends were no longer around the corner. I was no longer “the man” on campus. I didn’t have a job. I had to move back home. I was alone. I was depressed. I was confused. Who was I? For the first time in my life, I was forced to be alone in my thoughts and spend time reflecting on the Justin I portrayed to the world. For so long, I led people to believe I had it all together and was living a happy life.

My girlfriend (Miss J) was one of the most attractive women on campus. Captain of the basketball team. President of the Black Student Union. Outreach Assistant for the Office of Admission. It appeared I had what everyone wanted. But despite how put together it may have looked, I was completely broken inside. I lashed out and attempted to be the “cool” guy, the “hard ass”, the “I’m better than you” because I didn’t know what else to do. I struggled and I struggled. I made more enemies than friends, but I didn’t care. I loved me some me, right? Wrong.

I write this blog as an open invitation into my struggle of figuring out who I am and how to really love and accept that person. I don’t have it all together. I, like most of you, am continuing to seek my purpose in life and am working towards becoming a man of strong moral integrity, love, passion and respect. Strip away the Love Jays and Mr.J. I am You and You are me. We struggle together.

So, what does it mean to love yourself and how do we do it? I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that it is imperative that you spend some quiet time bi-weekly or monthly reflecting on the person you are in your heart of hearts. Embrace it all. We have talents and we all have shortcomings – that’s what makes us special and unique. We don’t need to be anyone else, besides ourselves. Let’s focus on becoming the best version of ourselves and not worry about who/what others think we should be! Besides, how can we love someone else if we don’t love ourselves, first?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012