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Long Distance Lover?

Q: Dear Love Jays,
I am thinking about starting a long distance relationship with a guy and we are both mutually interested in each other. Advice?

A: Dear Long Distancing,

I do not have any experience in long distance relationships; however, I have a few close friends who have tried it and all agreed that the distance put a significant strain on their relationship and was very difficult to manage. Relationships thrive when both parties are mutually dedicated to each other and connect emotionally and spiritually. A long distance relationship lacks one key nutritional ingredient required for a relationship to continue growing – physical emotion.

As humans, we enjoy expressing our emotions with one another. We communicate these emotions through an array of channels, but nothing compares to interacting face-to-face. The physical connection that occurs between people communicating directly without any medium interfering is difficult to articulate, but we all understand that feeling. No matter how hard we try, communicating emotions through a phone call, text messages or any video conferencing software just doesn’t feel the same.

Unfortunately, long distance relationships rely heavily on different communication technologies as the primary means of communicating which commonly results in miscommunication, frustration and anger. Speak to anyone who has been in a long distance relationship and I’m sure they will agree. We can use every word in the dictionary to describe how we feel for someone, but it’s the actions behind those words that make all the difference. Lengthy phone conversations may sustain the relationship, but does it compare to an innocent kiss, a genuine handhold, or a romantic evening spent cuddling?

I’m not writing to discourage you from pursuing this relationship, I just want you to be aware of the difficulties and challenges you will face. Write down all the things you are looking for in a relationship and see if the distance will hinder any of those from happening. Happiness is the ultimate goal, so whatever decision you make, don’t sacrifice it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

A: Dear A Long Way,

Almost anyone you talk to will say long distance relationships do not work. I do not believe that is true; however I do believe, like in all relationships, you will both have to compromise.  I think it is more appropriate to say long distance relationships do not work for long before some changes have to be made.

There are a few things you should determine before jumping into a long distance relationship. The first is what is expected from you and what do you expect from him? Dating from a distance requires coordination. Skype dates, phone calls, plane tickets…you get the picture. Becoming “official” comes with expectations; make sure you are both willing to fulfill them.

Next, ask yourself are you a physical person? Do you NEED hugs and kisses daily? You will be going weeks, maybe even months, without seeing each other. If you are not sure, you may want determine which of the 5 love languages you communicate with. If physical touch and quality time are at the top of your list you may want to reconsider a long distance relationship.

The third and most obvious thing to think about would be if things were to progress who is moving and when? I mentioned compromise in the beginning and moving closer to a person is a huge sacrifice. This is the step that is normally the deal breaker.

In an ideal world you guys would court each other and when the time is right you would both choose a place/city/state/ country of your liking, move to a new town and start of fresh at the same time. Unfortunately, this is  typically not what happens. One person will have to uproot their life. Be wary, If the sole reason a person moves closer to their long distance lover is just to be closer to them (i.e. they didn’t get a job opportunity or they do not have friends/family in the area as well) a lot of blame gets placed on the person who did not move when little things go wrong because they feel their significant other has not compromised enough; sadly, this can ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship.

If you have both seriously considered all those things and you both still want to jump in, I say go for it and best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Long Distance Third Wheel

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, but recently I moved about a 6 hour drive / 1 hour flight away for school.  We try to see each other every 3 weeks. He recently got a new female friend. He says he is not interested in her, but she definitely seems like she is crossing over boundaries of appropriate behavior. She invited him over to bake a cake with her, and once when my boyfriend and I got in a fight she surprise stopped by to visit him at his house and brought him ice cream…. She is definitely encroaching, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not when he says not to worry. What should I do?

A: Dear His New Female Friend,

You need to have a conversation. And it should have happened yesterday. That’s my answer. I will use the remainder of this post to give some helpful advice for all the men.

Fellas – if maintaining your current relationship is of any importance to you, quit before you even start! 99.99999% of the time you meet a new “female friend” chances are very likely that your lady is going to have an issue – a major issue. Get used to it. The relationship you are developing or have developed with this new “friend” may ACTUALLY BE non-threatening and have all good intentions (in your eyes); however, the odds are stacked far against you in regards to if your woman ACTUALLY believes you or even more importantly – believes her. I am not discouraging men from developing friendships with women because I do think it gives you a nice balance. I am simply cautioning men to be careful in selecting the women who you choose to befriend.

Men, we aren’t stupid. We try our very hardest to act as stupid as possible, but at the end of the day, we can decide between right and wrong. If you meet a young lady who you actually believe could be a true friend, introduce her to your significant other IMMEDIATELY. See how both parties react. I’m sure your lady will still have something to say, but as time progresses, she may open up. If some weeks or months go by and the lady still has an issue, it may be time to re-examine that “friendship”. I have several female friends – one of which I lived with for 2 years in college! But trust and believe, Miss J knows ALL of them and has developed a relationship with most.

Want to save yourself from tireless arguments, headaches, fights, tears, temptations or breakups? Take my advice! Friends are good. True friends are even better. Develop relationships with the right people and I’m positive your troubles will be minimized.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Female Pest Problem,

Oh yes the “Female Friend” issue, put on your termination hat because someone has to go and it’s either going to be her, him, or you walking away. Someone has to be eliminated. 1+1 does not equal 3.

Meeting new people, increasing your circle, forming casual relationships, and developing new friendships are completely normal and completely ok.  With that said anyone with half a brain knows when you are in a committed relationship you can only go so far with developing a friendship with the opposite sex. Anyone who came before you…fair game.  Anyone who comes after tread lightly.

In my opinion it is very rare for a woman to seek out a man in a relationship just because she wants to hang out and be friends but nothing more. Major red flag. Tell him to cut off that relationship or you will be cutting yours. There is no negotiating. She has already crossed the line, you know her intentions and you know they are ill. There is no need for them to even be a friend from a distance. CUT IT OFF! All or nothing. You deserve someone who respects not only you, but your relationship.

Disclaimer 1: Your man should not be spending quality time with any woman other than you. This does not include his mother; don’t ever try to get between a man and his mom. You will lose. We will save that convo for another time…

Disclaimer 2: If your significant other has a friend of the opposite sex that they meet at work or in class and they see them in that setting or occasionally outside of that setting with other friends from that environment that is ok! I definitely recommend meeting them, not necessarily to see if they are a threat, but because it is always good to meet the people your partner deems as worthy of their time.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012