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Construction Destruction

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been involved with a man for 5 yrs now. To say it has been rocky is the understatement of the year. For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in. His work has been spotty since he lost his job of 10 yrs (6 months into our relationship). He does the lion’s share of the work on the house, however I am always there as his assistant as I do not know how to do the construction, but help as much as I can. For this duration I have paid the mortgage, and all the bills and purchased the groceries, cooked the meals, etc. Recently he got a good job and now makes more than I do. I feel that he should be paying his part of the bills now that he is back on his feet. He is still doing work on the house but not near as much and there have been large gaps in the amount of work.Recently I had him start keeping track of the number of hours and have started detracting them from the bills, but I don’t really feel satisfied and I feel that this is going to be a source of contention going forward. Not to mention an avenue for him to pad his hours to make sure he does not have to pay anything.

Basically, am I being selfish for feeling that he should be contributing financially? I feel that if we are going forward as a couple that he should be contributing to our future in a bigger way. I feel restrained by his behavior instead of excited. If we were both contributing then it would go a lot faster and we could get past this stage of our lives. I feel very stuck.

A: Dear Stuck and Frustrated,

Relationship 101 – Communication and sacrifice. Can’t emphasize it enough. Any relationship that lacks in both departments will surely fail much quicker than it will succeed.

Before I even answer your question, let’s dissect a few of your statements.

“I have been involved with a man for 5 years. To say it has been rocky is the understatement of the year.”

Well, umm…Houston, we have a problem! You have clearly been frustrated for quite some time and the source of that feeling is much deeper than him not contributing financially and helping with construction on the house. Those two issues have most likely compounded previous issues that have been unaddressed, which has led you to this point of feeling stuck and frustrated. If I had to pick the most important lesson I have learned while dating Miss J for almost 5 years, it would be the principle of not waiting to reach the climax of your emotion before discussing it with your partner. Once we reach this point, all rational and logical communication comes second to the outward expression of anger or frustration. Nip the problem in the bud and you will minimize emotional distress.

“For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in.”

You have opened your home to your partner, pay the mortgage and all the bills, did basically everything while he was unemployed and all you asked of him was lead the construction efforts? And you two are still living together and dating because, why? Construction is no easy task, but seeing that he couldn’t contribute monetary value to the home, he had to pitch in somehow and I’m glad he accepted your offer. However, you noted that once he started working again, the construction around the house dwindled significantly and he STILL isn’t helping you financially!?! Am I missing the logic in all of this? In his defense, it would be unreasonable to expect the same amount of hours contributed to construction with a full-time job. A conversation should have happened yesterday addressing expectations from both parties.

Now, let’s get to your question. Are you being selfish in asking him to contribute financially? I don’t like the word selfish to describe this situation – let’s go with unfair.

If the two of you never discussed that he would be expected to contribute financially upon him landing a stable job, then yes it would be unfair of you to expect any monetary contributions. Notice I said unfair, not unreasonable. He is in the position where he can afford to contribute toward the bills, so despite what was said aloud, common knowledge suggest it’s only right that he should pay his share. On the flip side, if you did have this discussion and he isn’t holding up his end of the stick, you are entitled to feel upset and need to voice your dissatisfaction.

As I said earlier, I have a feeling there is more lying beneath the surface that needs to be discussed. Spend some time in reflection, collect and organize your thoughts, and decide what needs to happen next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Stuck,

If anything is clear to me, it is your frustration. No, you are not being selfish so-to-speak and yes, you both should be contributing to your lives together in a bigger way.

First, let’s address the house. You wrote:

“For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in.”

I noticed you did not say “our” house. You could have just been typing away and not paying attention to that minor detail, but in my mind that means subconsciously (maybe even consciously), it is “your” house and he is just living in it. If you expect your man to contribute in the things you share, they have to be just that – SHARED. If I can pick up on it, I am sure he can too. The more you include him in on the perks (feeling like he owns something), the more likely is to respond politely to a conversation about shared responsibility.

With that said, he is LIVING there. At the very least, he should be paying half of the bills and groceries; you can tackle the mortgage until he feels the house is as much his as it is yours. If you are not really into giving up the title of “my house” that’s okay, but then you have to be okay with paying the mortgage on your own. I understand he is helping you renovate the house, that is awesome, but it has nothing to do with the bills. Renovations are extra and bills are necessary. Bottom line. No need to have him log his hours, the time he spends on the house is not equal to your monthly expenses. If it continues to cause a problem in your relationship, I would suggest having someone else help you with the renovations and just have him cover his share of the bills.

You were kind enough to completely support him while he was at a low point, but now that he is stable again it is time for him to help you out. You are not wrong in wanting a partner instead of a dependent. Any real man would more than understand that. If anything, he should have offered to help by now, but since he hasn’t – bring it up. If he refuses, pull his card!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

 

 

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Clutter Clutter Clutter

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend recently moved in, along with all of his sports memorabilia. Our place is small! I really don’t see where a lot of it could fit without everything looking cluttered. I really want him to feel at home. How do you guys suggest I make him feel like his stuff matters while not completely letting his stuff take over?

A: Dear Happy Medium,

“My boyfriend recently moved in…”Let’s stop there. He moved into YOUR place, brought his belongings and you don’t know what to do? Ha! Pick up the phone and dial 1-800-STORAGE!

It’s your home! You picked it out, you decorated it and you have lived there for X amount of time prior to your boyfriend moving in. If he has any sense, he should understand not every piece of his sports memorabilia can be hung throughout YOUR (now our) house. Make it easy – clear up some wall space in the house and allow him to pick his favorite pieces to hang up in the house. What doesn’t fit goes into storage!

Be sure to indicate that you have removed some of your pieces from the wall, so he is completely aware that both of you are making a sacrifice. If he gives you a hard time, pull the “this is my place” card and I’m sure that will shut him up. Happy home decorating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Hot Mess,

Yes you need him to feel at home, but you need to feel at home too. You said your place is small, which means you could potentially end up with a man cave-esk functshway.

My question to you is how attached to all of the sports memorabilia is he? And how attached are you to what you have? Maybe you guys can both purge your individual items and have a garage sale. Afterwards go get some mutual decor that you both like with the money you make. When you move in together you begin a new chapter, why not start the new chapter with new things.

If you both are not willing to get rid of things my advice would be to pick a room or space designated for his sports memorabilia, have an area designated for your artwork or whatever you want to hang and then have a space where you pick things out together. You essentially need to have themed rooms. Box the things up that do not fit and save them for when you have a bigger space. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Time to Play House?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

When is your relationship mature enough to handle the next step of moving in together?

A: Dear Living Together,

Cohabitation before marriage…good or bad? Tough call.

When a couple decides to get married, it typically (I use “typically” loosely as a result of how carelessly too many people treat the institution of marriage) means the relationship has matured to a higher level. At this point, I feel a couple is ready to live together. Living together is one of the perks of being married. If you feel you are dating someone who could potentially be your life partner, why wouldn’t you want to wait and enjoy such an experience? I’ve discussed this same question with friends (all of whom are in long-term relationship or married) and most agreed that couples should wait until marriage before cohabiting.

In today’s society, it seems that young people decide to move in together for financial reasons or the “why not?” principle instead of genuinely sitting down with each other to decide why/why not the two of you should live together. Couples who have been dating for a relatively short amount of time (less than 1 year) and are considering moving in together, I would question their intentions. On the other hand, couples who have been dating for 3+ years could probably make a strong case. It truly is a judgement call.

It’s a much bigger decision than what appears on the outside and I strongly suggest couples really take time to analyze the situation before jumping the gun.

In the meantime, check out an opinion piece that appeared in the New York Times in April exploring this exact topic!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Really Ready, 

To live together or not to live together? I struggled with this for some time.

As a working adult who is in charge of her own life and the decisions I make my initial thought was why not?  I love him, I plan to marry him, we have a great time together, and not to mention I could save a good chunk of change on the rent.

Although all those things are true I decided I am simply just not ready. Period. Mr. J and I have been dating for 4 plus years and we know each other very well, but on the other hand we are still young and I felt it would be best for us to really experience what life is like as adults, living on our own. Not to mention I had a miniature spiritual battle as well ( but that’s another story).

If you plan to marry the person you move in with, that’s it. There is no “well it’s been great living with you, but I think I want my own space now. And yes, of course we will continue to date and everything will be fine and dandy”

Honestly moving in with someone you plan to marry is almost as big of a commitment as marrying them. You take a step past tying yourself to that person emotionally. You really have to be ready. It is a personal decision, a mutual decision, but most importantly it is a BIG decision so really think before you act.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Doing your Part

Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?

A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:

 Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.

The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.

One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Squeaky Clean, 

In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah. 

My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home)  and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof! 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012