Confusing Kiss
Jealous or Just Over Thinking?
Q: Dear Love Jays,
I’m best friends with a guy. (I’m a girl.) I find myself jealous of his girlfriend though I’ve thought it through and know I don’t want to date him. I find myself feeling like I should distance myself from him, but he’s a great friend to me and we’re really close. I’m single and think maybe if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t feel like there’s an imbalance in the power dynamics of our relationship. Am I over thinking this? What do y’all think?
A: Dear Role Replacement,
I’ve always held the belief that it is very difficult to maintain a best friend relationship between men and women. Notice I said difficult, not impossible.
We are naturally attracted to each other and as these friendships progress, the feelings of “this is just my friend” can easily turn into “I want to be more than friends”. Who wouldn’t want to date the person who knows everything about you? The person you share your innermost thoughts and feelings? The person who is always there when you need to talk? Shoot, just typing all of this makes me want to date my best friend, too! Fortunately for me, I’m already dating her. (Insert “awwwww” moment).
You clearly stated you aren’t interested in dating your friend, so I’m going to believe you. Though you may not be interested in him romantically, you have a vested interest in the special relationship the two of you share…and I don’t blame you. It’s nice to have those relationships. Unfortunately, these relationships have to take on different forms when a significant other comes into the picture. One of the most crucial parts of any relationship is time. Time is everything. When the two of you were single, he didn’t have to commit time to a specific person, but now he does. The reason you are feeling jealous of his girlfriend is simple – she is getting more time and attention, which has resulted in less time and attention directed to you.
It’s an uncomfortable and awkward feeling to embrace, but understand it’s all a part of the growing process. If he really is your best friend, support his new relationship and take advantage of the moments when you guys talk or spend time together. Change is inevitable and those who welcome it will always come out on top!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear I Am Jealous of My Best Friend’s Girlfriend,
I think we can all get a little territorial when it comes to your best friend dating someone new. Someone new means things are going to change, and sometimes we don’t want things to change because we already like everything just the way it is.
You said you don’t want to date your friend, that’s the good news. You can still be friends! The bad news is you do have to share and give up the title of “main woman” in his life.
Sharing does not mean you have to give him up as a friend completely. There is still room for a non-romantic relationship in his life. When two single people of the opposite sex engage in a deep friendship, lines often get blurred. Even if you guys have not been intimate (at least you did not mention that you were), there are still little things you have to adjust. He can no longer be your go-to guy when you need a +1 or be your date on Friday night when you just want to cook dinner, lay on the couch and watch a movie. Up until now you have both been a friend as well as a filler for a boyfriend/ girlfriend to one another. It’s natural, but things have now changed and that’s ok.
The fact you acknowledged you might not be experience these feelings if you had a relationship as well tells me you are a logical person and you will definitely be ok. I think it would be fair to say you aren’t jealous your friend is with someone, you are just longing for company of your own.
Make sure the girl he is with knows you come in peace and enjoy your friendship with your best friend for what it is now. Your special someone will come soon enough. 🙂
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2013
Jealousy and Insecurities
Q: Dear Love Jays,
How do you control your partner’s jealousy or insecurities?
A: Dear That Darn Little Green Monster,
Unfortunately jealousy is not a trait you can fix in a significant other. There is no controlling another human beings emotions. You can be the most trustworthy person who has done absolutely nothing to compromise your relationship and it still won’t matter. A jealous and insecure person will always find something to be jealous and insecure about.
The decision to remove insecurity and jealousy has to be the choice of the person who is experiencing those feelings first hand. At the base of those two emotions lies a lack of trust. So instead of the foundation being built on trust it will be built on either control, as a result of a person trying to accommodate the jealously issues of the other or anger and rebellion, due to one person not willing to accommodate the jealously issues of the other. Sometimes these scenarios even go both ways.
You would think as a jealous person you would understand another jealous person, but that’s not how it works. Jealousy is a possessive monster, those who embrace jealousy think of their significant other as a possession instead of a partner. That is not love. Love lies in trust and friendship.
This is not to say a person cannot change their jealous ways, they absolutely can; but it is not up to you. The problem source of the problem lies within them, not within your relationship.
Love ,
Miss J
A: Dear Jealousy is for the Birds,
Jealousy is the one trait I never truly understood and possessing it typically results in much more negative outcomes including unhappiness, violence and anger. I’m all for people being territorial of your partner – if you truly care for someone, you will definitely be interested and pay attention to their daily happenings. But when people take their basic care and emotion too far, they will try to control and manipulate the who, what, when, where and why of their partner’s every move. Unfortunately, we cannot control our partners source of jealousy because it often stems from personal insecurities they are refusing to acknowledge.
Relationships are built upon trust. If you cannot trust your partner or vice versa, what’s the point of maintaining the relationship? We are all human. We will say some things to people we shouldn’t have said, go to places we probably shouldn’t go, get a little too comfortable with the “girl/guy next door”, but through it all, we can’t try to manipulate our partner from experiencing these scenarios. Just because our partner is doing something we don’t necessarily care for, doesn’t mean they are out in streets cheating or disrespecting you. You have to live and it’s only fair we let others have the same freedoms. After all, what good comes from being jealous? Don’t worry…I’ll wait.
Miss J and I have kept jealously completely out of our relationship and it has helped us maintain a healthy, positive relationship. Does it mean we don’t question things here and there – absolutely not. It means we are comfortable enough with ourselves and trust we have each other’s best interest at heart. If your partner’s jealousy problems or insecurities are affecting more than just themselves, it’s time to reexamine the foundation of the relationship. Love can take on many forms, but control, manipulation and anger surely aren’t one of them!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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© LoveJays 2012
Controlling Boyfriend
Q:Dear Love Jays,
My boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends and he doesn’t want to let me spend time with my friends without him being there. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he pretty much made himself the victim and said that couples are supposed to do everything together. What do I do?
Dear My Boyfriend is Controlling,
Get.Out.Now!
Controlling and jealousy issues are more common than most people realize. These problems stem from a complete lack of self-esteem and lack of self-identity. He doesn’t like the person he is, so he has decided to make you just as miserable as him.
As stated so many times before, a relationship is a two-way street built on love, trust, friendship and sacrifice. It’s very clear your relationships is lacking the core values of a successful relationship, so why continue? You have to understand that YOU are the most important person in this life. YOU are strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving – the list goes on.
Any man controlling who his woman hangs out with or what she can do is the poorest excuse of a boyfriend and a man! A real man will put complete trust in his woman because he knows he is doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make his home the happiest. An unhappy woman is an unhappy relationship.
He doesn’t deserve anything further in this relationship and I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk out the door. Do it for YOU!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
Dear My boyfriend wants me all to himself,
Unfortunately ( and quite frankly fortunately) this issue has nothing to do with you, therefore you cannot fix it. You tried to reason with him and he made himself the victim. Victim mentality is just another form of manipulation. Another form of manipulation is isolation, he will make it so that there is nowhere for you to go. Your friends will eventually bounce because they won’t be able to hang out with you sans him and trust me they know why he is around even if you haven’t told them.
He has to deal with this one on his own, his control is stemming from some insecurity that he has. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.
The good news is that you can see what he is doing, for that I applaud you. A lot if women find themselves in relationships similar to yours and cannot see what is wrong, they just know something is not right. You have pin pointed it, Kudos.
Relationships are about support, friendship, love, appreciation, and kindness. They are not about control, hovering, and manipulation. You may say “he is kind and loving”, but when he is also controlling and manipulative you may need to question how much of that is real. Most of all you should be happy if not all of the time, the majority of the time.
My best advice is to get out and get out now while you can see clearly. Make sure you are fully prepared when you go in for the break up though, he will either try and talk you back in to the relationship or he will act like it is completely ok for you to go. Just remember you know his true colors and you deserve better. You know it and believe me he does too.
Controlling men can be dangerous, it starts verbally and manifest into a physical thing 9 times out of 10. Spare yourself.
Love,
Miss J
For those of you reading this who feel you may be in a potentially unhealthy relationship check out the signs here.
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© LoveJays 2012