Q: Dear Love Jays,
How do you control your partner’s jealousy or insecurities?
A: Dear That Darn Little Green Monster,
Unfortunately jealousy is not a trait you can fix in a significant other. There is no controlling another human beings emotions. You can be the most trustworthy person who has done absolutely nothing to compromise your relationship and it still won’t matter. A jealous and insecure person will always find something to be jealous and insecure about.
The decision to remove insecurity and jealousy has to be the choice of the person who is experiencing those feelings first hand. At the base of those two emotions lies a lack of trust. So instead of the foundation being built on trust it will be built on either control, as a result of a person trying to accommodate the jealously issues of the other or anger and rebellion, due to one person not willing to accommodate the jealously issues of the other. Sometimes these scenarios even go both ways.
You would think as a jealous person you would understand another jealous person, but that’s not how it works. Jealousy is a possessive monster, those who embrace jealousy think of their significant other as a possession instead of a partner. That is not love. Love lies in trust and friendship.
This is not to say a person cannot change their jealous ways, they absolutely can; but it is not up to you. The problem source of the problem lies within them, not within your relationship.
Love ,
Miss J
A: Dear Jealousy is for the Birds,
Jealousy is the one trait I never truly understood and possessing it typically results in much more negative outcomes including unhappiness, violence and anger. I’m all for people being territorial of your partner – if you truly care for someone, you will definitely be interested and pay attention to their daily happenings. But when people take their basic care and emotion too far, they will try to control and manipulate the who, what, when, where and why of their partner’s every move. Unfortunately, we cannot control our partners source of jealousy because it often stems from personal insecurities they are refusing to acknowledge.
Relationships are built upon trust. If you cannot trust your partner or vice versa, what’s the point of maintaining the relationship? We are all human. We will say some things to people we shouldn’t have said, go to places we probably shouldn’t go, get a little too comfortable with the “girl/guy next door”, but through it all, we can’t try to manipulate our partner from experiencing these scenarios. Just because our partner is doing something we don’t necessarily care for, doesn’t mean they are out in streets cheating or disrespecting you. You have to live and it’s only fair we let others have the same freedoms. After all, what good comes from being jealous? Don’t worry…I’ll wait.
Miss J and I have kept jealously completely out of our relationship and it has helped us maintain a healthy, positive relationship. Does it mean we don’t question things here and there – absolutely not. It means we are comfortable enough with ourselves and trust we have each other’s best interest at heart. If your partner’s jealousy problems or insecurities are affecting more than just themselves, it’s time to reexamine the foundation of the relationship. Love can take on many forms, but control, manipulation and anger surely aren’t one of them!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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