In this week’s episode, we were joined by the Christelyn Karazin, founder of Beyond Black & White. We discussed Jason Collins and homosexuality, the friend zone, interracial dating, dating in the black community, and the development of the “new black woman”.
“Don’t worry about it, I got this one.” [Google]Q: Dear Love Jays,
I’ve been raised to be a gentleman and always pay for a lady. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and lately she’s been making it a point to pay. Even getting upset when I pay before she has a chance to. To be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to let her pay for me. She tells me I need to get over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel as if people are looking at me like I’m a dead beat when she pulls out her card and I just sit there. Any words of advice?
A: Dear Let Me Pay For It,
The majority of men and women will agree it is the man’s responsibility to pay for his lady. And just like the majority, I agree with this principle…sort of. Now before all the women get ready to take off their heels and earrings in preparation to attack a brotha, let me explain.
I’m fully aware it is my responsibility to take care of Miss J. Regardless if you are single or in a committed relationship, it is our duty as men to respect, protect, and uplift the women around us. I’ll spare you from going deeper on this topic, but if you want a more in-depth look on my feelings about the value of women, I strongly suggest you read an entry I posted a few months back.
Where was I? Right, men taking care of women.
What does taking care of women even suggest? It doesn’t literally mean providing everything like you would for a child, instead it simply means man should consciously strive to support his woman emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially the best way possible. I’ve spoken with many married couples and they all agree: relationships are not 50/50, 60/40 or even 70/30 – they are 100/100! Therefore, women share equal part responsibility in providing and caring for their man, as he would for her.
It pays no dividend getting caught up in traditional gender roles because tradition doesn’t address equality. Tradition argues women are “less than” men and belong at home with kids making sure everything is prepared when he comes home; however, ask any Fortune 500 company who have women in power positions and I’d be willing to bet ALL would agree each of them are vital in their success.
Having a woman who isn’t ashamed to pull out her own money and pay for her man is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of support and recognition. She isn’t trying to embarrass you are make you feel less of a man; she is acknowledging that societal pressures don’t have to dictate her actions. She has worked hard to earn her money, so let her do what she would like with her money. And if that means she wants to buy you dinner one night, who are you to stop her?
Who cares if people are looking at you like a deadbeat. Are you dating the people sitting at the next table over? Do they know anything about your relationship? That’s what I figured.
A deadbeat wouldn’t offer to pull out his wallet at every meal nor would he submit this question. You probably have a good woman on your team, so don’t let your ego put you in a position for which you aren’t prepared.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear I Just Want to Pay,
Traditionally the man is supposed to pay the bill; it is the sign of a true gentleman. However, it is 2013 and while the old traditions are great it is also okay to make some room for new traditions.
You have been dating for over a year and your girlfriend has now challenged (what you feel to be) your manhood. Perfectly understandable. You say it makes you uncomfortable, not because you feel like you really want to provide for her; but because you feel as if others are judging you for not paying. My advice? Don’t worry about what other people are thinking. How the bill gets paid is up to you guys. You can’t worry about how others perceive her paying for the bill. It’s none of their business.
Now, let’s try to figure out what is going on in her head. Did anything happen around the time she began wanting to pay for things? A raise at work on her end or pay decrease on yours? Has she been trying to express independence in any other aspects in her life?
Society is going through a major transitional phase and as a result the message to women right now is be independent, but let men handle everything. Work hard, but if you marry right you won’t have to work THAT hard or at all. Make enough money to support yourself, but you shouldn’t have to. You get my point, the message is stuck somewhere between the old way and whatever the new way will be.
My guess is that your girlfriend, like a lot of us, is just trying to break the mold of what society says women are supposed to be. In the process she is also breaking the mold of what society says men should be and the problem is you don’t want your mold broken.
I do not think you need to “get over it” in regards to her paying all the time. If she wants to be an equal, her paying all the time does not solve that problem. Can she pay sometimes? Sure. Can you pay sometimes? Absolutely. You guys need to talk and come up with a middle ground. There is no way for her to pay the entire bill and for you to pay the entire bill at the same time. Something has got to give. Your best bet is probably to split the bill each time. You will both be a little bit out of your comfort zone, but that’s what you do when you are in a relationship. You compromise.
