Posted on

R&R after a Break Up

Today’s post is inspired by a question we received yesterday and a conversation I had with  a newly single friend, the question was as follows: 

 “I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?”

Mr. J and I both responded with wait, reflect, and go from there; but I did not really go into full detail as to why those steps are so important. I want to explain (from a woman’s perspective) why it is imperative to take time as a young woman for yourself.

I am speaking from my experience as a woman in her early twenties, but I am sure everyone will be able to pull a little something from this post.

It’s no secret that about a year ago, Mr. J and I broke up. I saw it coming from a mile away, but when it finally hit, it hit hard. In the beginning I was devastated; crying on the floor (full out fetal position-pathetic, I know) and absolutely heartbroken. Once I was able to accept what was happening, I found I was completely and utterly emotionally exhausted and it was not from all the crying. I had been emotionally draining myself for months and I was not even aware of it. This is common for breakups; most of us try to hold on to what we have because we are afraid of loosing it, no matter the cost. 

When my relationship started going down hill, I was only focused on Mr. J’s happiness. I stopped paying attention to what I really wanted and was doing everything in my power to try to make it work.  After all, that’s what love is right? Wrong! Not only was I not loving Mr. J right, I was also not loving myself right.

After this realization something amazing happened, I focused on “me”. I have always had great self-esteem, but there was something missing. I rediscovered myself, which was an interesting development because I was not aware I lost myself in the first place. I found that I had grown, the last time I focused on myself I was only 18, just a girl. Now I was a woman with a lot to offer and proud of it. I thoroughly enjoyed immersing myself in all things Joy. I discovered I am strong, passionate, confident,capable and best of all I was able to finally understand I did not need anyone to be all of those things. Those qualities belong to me. Of course I was willing to share, but I could sleep easy knowing I was a complete woman with or without any man – and a darn good one at that!

As time passed and I explored my identity further, I had yet another light bulb moment and that was that I actually LIKED myself! From there, loving myself was easy. I essentially dated myself. I got to know myself, went out a few times, found a few new hobbies, and voilà…there it was… Love. 

Now the relationship I have with Mr. J is ten times better because my happiness is not dependent on his. I am not afraid of being alone, and most importantly, I have discovered my worth as a woman and nothing can take that away from me. Ever. 

I encourage all women going through a breakup to really take advantage of the time you have afterwards. Yes, it is important to reflect on your past relationship and understand what you can do in the future in order for your next relationship to remain as healthy as possible. But, the best thing you can do for yourself and your next relationship is have YOU together. 

Best Wishes to you all. 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012