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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you know if you are just going through a rough patch in your relationship or if it is time to give up and move on?

A: Dear Stay or Leave,

Deciphering between a “rough patch” or “the beginning of the end” may be the toughest internal conflict to deal with in regards to a serious relationship.

All relationships experience rough patches – ALL! Ever encounter those couples who say, “Everything is great! We have no complaints and are absolutely in love!”? Side eye. If you have been in a long-term relationship (18 months or longer) and haven’t experienced a rough patch, I don’t believe you or you’re lying. Only two options.

The easiest way to help solve this problem is to reflect on the number of rough patches that have occurred within the last 6-12 months of your relationship. If you and your partner have been spending more time arguing, irritated or unhappy rather than enjoying each other’s company, chances are it may be time to move on. Relationships shouldn’t be a burden. It should NEVER feel like a chore. Relationships are supposed to be fun. As I have mentioned in previous posts, relationships require work, but the work should be enjoyable!

Maybe it’s time to have “The Talk”. Express your concerns and why you are unhappy. Ask if he feels the same. After the conversation, decide what is the best plan of action. Listen to your heart. You can stay, you can leave. Just don’t deceive yourself.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye, 

Yikes, that’s a tough one!

A rough patch can be an internal conflict, or something that has to do directly with your partner. It is important to first decipher which of those it really is.

The real difference between a rough patch and “The End” is whether or not you decide to call it quits.

In reality a rough patch can last for years, there are plenty of people who sit in stagnant relationships. It takes both parties to get out of a rut, if you both aren’t willing to participate then you will both be sitting in it.

Of course there will always be ups and downs, thats a given. There is no way to escape it, whenever you have two individuals make a commitment together there are bound to be some bumps along the way; but that’s just it you two have made a COMMITMENT TOGETHER. There may be moments when one person is pulling more weight than the other because of a life event, but other than that you should be even keeled.

On a personal level, if you feel you can no longer grow with a person and you have been unhappy and unpleasant to be around for an extended period of time then it is probably a good idea to immerse yourself into some serious introspection. What are you missing and is it something your partner can help you obtain? If not then it is probably best for you and your significant other if you take some time apart.

If there is abuse of ANY kind, end it. That is no rough patch, that is a rough person and it is not your job to fix them. Move on.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Secret to Success

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you think are the secrets to a relationship filled with excitement and longevity?

A: Dear Secrets to a Happy Relationship:

The “secrets” to developing a relationship built to last a lifetime is no secret at all – surprise!

Couples who continually find new ways to redefine their relationship, laugh together, sacrifice (time, energy, money, etc.), communicate effectively and love unconditionally will typically find themselves in relationships that span many years rather than the American standard – a few months (I actually have no idea what the average length of relationship is for young people in America, but with the social media and friends dictating WAY too much of what we do/say/believe, I’m comfortable with my estimation).

On the surface, the examples stated above seem relatively straightforward and easy. But as you already know (at least I hope), hard work, dedication and effort are at the heart of a relationship that is built to last! As the old cliché goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Simply put – it takes time.

Couples have to be willing to work hard, yet enjoy the work that is being accomplished. Will the work always be fun? No. Will you always get your way? No. Will there be a time when you want to scream at the top of your lungs and hurl an object in their direction? Absolutely.

Love is a continual growing process. If you both understand that there is always room to grow, you will find yourself answering this question instead of asking it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Secret Smecret, 

I really don’t think there is any “secret”, but there are some major factors that contribute to a long and exciting relationship.

First and foremost you must be compatible with your mate. Sounds simple, but a lot of people end up dating people they are not compatible with. It’s not about similar interest, it is about balance. When making the decision to spend a huge chunk of time with someone you want it to be with a person who just fits. Don’t force yourself to be with someone because on paper they are exactly what you want and what you think you need. I am well aware everyone has a “type”, but sometimes having a type hinders you. Choose the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.

The second factors are communication and compromise! You have to let your significant other in on what you are thinking and what you need and while doing so you have to be willing to listen to their wants and needs. Compromise should always be healthy and it should balance out one way or the other. One person should not be sacrificing everything all the time, while another person sacrifices one little thing every once in a while. It can’t work and it won’t work. Someone will eventually break. Both communication and compromise are a 2 way street. You both have to work hard or you will fail hard.

Third, I would say the key is sharing. I’m not talking about sharing a bite of your food or sharing the last piece of your favorite cake. I am talking about sharing life goals, dreams, secrets, laughs, childhood stories,flaws, forbidden desires, quirks, awkward moments and memories. You have to be willing to share your entire life beyond the physical. I believe this is where the magic of a spiritual and emotional bond happens. This is also the point in which a person gets to decide if they really want to stick around, and if they do, they truly love you for you.

Other than that…HAVE FUN!!! Your partner in crime should be your best friend. The person who just gets you, but when they don’t, you can talk about it. Before you know it you will have shared everything and gained two times of what you had in the beginning.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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The Case of the Open Relationship

Q: Dear Love Jays,

For younger couples-

Since this a time focused on discovery and growth, Do you think open relationships can be succesful?

A: Dear Open Relationship,

Open relationships…people really have these? Oops, let me get to the question.

Can open relationships be successful? Sure. Will open relationships typically turn into a serious and loving relationship? I’ll bet against it.

Open relationships are poor excuses for people who aren’t mature enough to make a serious commitment. Why even waste the energy to be in an “open relationship” when you will most likely act the same if your were single? I understand it’s nice to have someone who you can talk to everyday, hang out with often and satisfy each others physical desires; however, there comes a point when one of the parties involved will start developing emotions much stronger than the “open relationship” contract allows. It’s a ticking time bomb that is waiting to explode. I am all for people using their 20’s as a time to focus on discovery and growth, so if that is truly what you are focused on, let’s not waste anyone’s time with a pseudo-relationship.

If you want a relationship – embrace all the aspects of one. If you aren’t ready to embrace that role, that’s okay. Enjoy the precious moments of the single life – discover yourself, go on dates, meet new people, act a fool and tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other social media platform that’s on your iPhone!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Open for business, 

That’s a tough call. As a female I would argue it depends on whose idea it is. If it is the male’s call and the female’s intention is to go along with it until he is ready to commit I don’t think it will ever turn into anything of substance. If it is the female’s call and the reason is for discovery and growth (with the intention of eventually making it work) I think it is easier for a male to go along with that without getting to emotionally invested before the right time. It’s just a fact of life, men and women have different emotional makeup, be it nature or nurture we are different and what we can handle and how long we can handle it depends heavily on that fact.  If you are both on the same page then more power to you! I think it is manageable, but I also think in the end someone always end up getting hurt. Let me put it this way, either one of you has ever said “You can do whatever you want outside of what we have, I just don’t want to hear about it”  it is not going to end well.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012