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Religion and Relationships

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months and she claims she’s an atheist. I’ve grown up with a strong Christian background and even though I may not be an avid church goer, I still have Christian convictions and ultimately believe in God and the existence of Jesus Christ. Our relationship seems to be fine and growing at a normal pace, but when conversations about spirituality or God come up it feels like we hit a wall. I’ve never been one to force my beliefs on others, but I also want to feel comfortable with someone when I do open up about this. Should I walk away from this before this relationship goes further, or should I give her time to find a common ground?

A: Dear Religion Dilemma,

This is a tough question to answer. I typically like to give the most unbiased answer as possible to all of our questions, but this topic is near and dear to my heart.

I have always said that it is not about religion, it is about relationship (in regards to God); but if you ask me which belief system I identify with the most I would say Christianity.

In my experience, a relationship with God is something that is at your core. There can be a lot of other things around the core (i.e. similar interest, love of the same food, same taste in music, etc.) but at the end of the day it is what is at the center of you that shapes who you are and how you go about handling certain situations.

This does not mean the woman you are dating is a bad apple at the core; it just means she is on a different spiritual journey. You never force your belief system onto another individual; however you should always be able to share without feeling uncomfortable (and vice versa). Eventually you will come to a fork in the road when you will have to choose to either keep your beliefs at bay, or to keep hitting that spiritual wall. You say everything is fine at the moment, but if you feel like you are at that fork now than it looks like you have a decision to make. I’m not sure a breakup is in order, but some self/relationship evaluation definitely is. Since you are a man of God my best advice is to pray on it : )

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Religion in Relationships,

Religion and politics are the two subjects that can bring the best and worst out of any person. Each one embodies strong convictions from its believers and supporters, and often times, most people stand very firm on their beliefs. It’s often been said these topics should be kept away from conversations with close friends and family, but in reality, it’s the exact opposite.

Religion is the source of spiritual guidance, understanding, happiness, peace, anger, frustration, debate and controversy. Some believe in God or a god, while others believe religion is foolish and the reason for much violence in the world. It’s a personal decision and whatever you choose to believe is neither wrong or right.

Personally, I have wrestled back-and-forth with religion my entire life. I did not grow up in a religious household, but we (1 brother, 1 sister) were raised on Christian morals and values. Church was not a part of our weekly routine and my parents never shoved religion down our throats. I attended religiously affiliated schools, but I could never fully wrap my head around religion. I always believed in God, but didn’t really understand what it meant. It wasn’t until last year that I made a conscious effort to better understand my beliefs and become more active in seeking a relationship with God. I have never been a fan of organized religion for several reasons, but my beliefs are based in Christianity. The process of seeking God is full of learning, difficulties and confusion, but since making the commitment, my life has become more meaningful.

I share my testimony because I have noticed a shift in the person I am becoming and the deep connection Miss J and I have developed with each other. Our relationship no longer exists just in the physical, but in the spiritual. It genuinely feels different. It’s hard to explain, but the change is evident.

Your relationship will continue to grow and could blossom into something great, but I’m not sure if it will reach it’s full potential without a spiritual support system. I encourage you to engage in conversations about spirituality and discover the reasons why each of you believe in something different. It will most likely be very uncomfortable, but it’s important to understand the people we are committing to beyond the physical. Listen to your heart and progress in the ways you feel necessary.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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Distant and Stagnant

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m in a relationship with someone I met online on a community website, and we are now in a relationship, the thing is he lives in another state and we only see each other every 2 months when one of us flies to each other. It seems he has no intention whatsoever of moving to California and he doesn’t seem as committed as I am, should I bother investing anymore in this relationship? Or should I just hang on and see how it goes? So far he still seems willing to meet every 2 months and it has been 1 year, but he doesn’t seem willing do much else…

A: Dear Struggling from Distance,

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain and will test even the strongest people. A few weeks ago, I touched on this very subject and provided a key ingredient that most long distance relationships lack.

You have already invested a year into this relationship. but it seems obvious your significant other isn’t willing to make the appropriate changes you feel will make the relationship stronger. The two of you could remain on this current pattern of seeing each other every 2 months, but would this routine make you happy? I continually emphasize happiness in the majority of my writings because far too often, many people are willing to sacrifice it just to make someone else happy.

It is important to understand that relationships do require the participation of both parties, so it is only fair to discuss his opinions on the relationship and what changes could be made. I’m sure your answer will become quite clear after a few small conversations. Whatever decision you decide to follow, please don’t just “hang on” for the sake of having a boyfriend because I promise you, it will only make things worse in the future.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Every 2 Months,

Part of me wants to say “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, but the larger part of me wants to say it’s time to jump ship. You are both comfortable where you currently live and you aren’t budging. If you are okay with seeing each other in person 6 times a year, with no promise of it going any further, then stick to it. Why just ride it out when you can already see you aren’t going to end up at the right destination?  He has already proved how committed he is willing to be at this point in time. If you need more and you do not demand a change, I am pretty sure it will stay the same. Woman to woman, I say walk away. If he comes after you that’s great, but if not you will be open to finding love a little closer to home. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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In Love with a Younger Man

Q: Dear Love Jays,


I’m in a relationship with someone who is a couple of years younger than me. We have been together for a while and I know that we are in love. However, I know that in a few years I will be at an age ready for marriage, but he will still be pretty young and probably not ready. Should I let our love dictate when we will think about marriage? Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?

A: Dear Marriage on the Mind,

I’m going to ask you one simple question: What is the right age to get married?

A very important principle that is misunderstood by popular culture is the idea that marriage should be reserved for people in a specific age bracket. Growing up, males are often told, “Son, you have the rest of your life to be married – go out, meet people and have fun!” While I do agree with this advice in some manner, I also disagree with it. This way of thinking may easily result in someone (male or female) pushing away their true partner simply because “it’s not the right time” or “I’m too young to marry this person”.

Newsflash: LOVE IS NOT CONVENIENT.

I understand age is a strong representation of our emotional and physical maturity, but it should not be used as the sole determining factor in deciding whether or not one should get married. Let’s be honest, you have absolutely zero insight into knowing if he – or even YOU – will be ready for marriage in a “few years”. Just because you may be “age-ready” doesn’t mean you will be “love-ready” or “mentally-ready”. The most important factor in a marriage is simple – love. Let your love decide when it’s time to get married! In the meantime, continue strengthening the connection between your significant other and let time play it’s role. Life happens day-by-day, not year-by-year.

And for this question: “Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?” Just re-read the question multiple times and see how foolish it really sounds.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear for Love’s Sake,

Let me get this straight…you are asking if you should leave your current boyfriend (whom you love) because you want to get married in a couple of years and that MAY be enough time to find someone else who also wants to get married soon; meanwhile the man you love will marry someone else in another couple of years  and have the life you could have had if you were just a little more patient?

Let me ask you this, given the choice would you rather have an okay life with almost everything you want in 2 years or the life you really want in 4 years?

True love is a gift; you should never have to choose between being in love or getting married. They should go hand in hand. You want to be in a place where you want to get married BECAUSE you are in love. There is no way to know whether or not he will be ready to marry in a couple years, you don’t even know if you will really be ready. All women have a timeline, but if you ask most of them they will say things did not quite go as planned. If you are happy,not just content – I mean really really happy in your relationship, you should stay. Love is not guaranteed and neither is marriage, if you found a good one you should hold on to him! Things will progress naturally no matter his age.

I completely understand why you feel you have to get married/have children by a certain age. As women, we are very aware of our biological clock and we know our baby maker will only work for so long.

Is he aware of your concerns or are you just assuming he is not thinking about it and will not think about it anytime soon? In any relationship, it is important for you to communicate your expectations with your significant other. Ask him what age he thinks he wants to get married and how many kids he wants. I remember when Mr. J and I first started talking about when we wanted to get married (at this point we were not even discussing marrying each other) I said I wanted to be 28 and he said he wanted to be 30. I can tell you now, that’s not happening. We definitely over shot.  Things change and people change their minds. On the flip side, if you have “the conversation” and he says he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids you might want to reevaluate. So that’s my advice, talk to the man! You may even be surprised by his answer!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012