Q: Dear Love Jays,
All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?
A: Dear Birds of a Feather,
Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?
I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.
Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.
You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.
It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.
If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.
*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Her Friends Stay Wylin’,
Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.
If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.
At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.
Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.
Love,
Mr. J