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Jealous or Just Over Thinking?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m best friends with a guy. (I’m a girl.) I find myself jealous of his girlfriend though I’ve thought it through and know I don’t want to date him. I find myself feeling like I should distance myself from him, but he’s a great friend to me and we’re really close. I’m single and think maybe if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t feel like there’s an imbalance in the power dynamics of our relationship. Am I over thinking this? What do y’all think?

A: Dear Role Replacement,

I’ve always held the belief that it is very difficult to maintain a best friend relationship between men and women. Notice I said difficult, not impossible.

We are naturally attracted to each other and as these friendships progress, the feelings of “this is just my friend” can easily turn into “I want to be more than friends”.  Who wouldn’t want to date the person who knows everything about you? The person you share your innermost thoughts and feelings? The person who is always there when you need to talk? Shoot, just typing all of this makes me want to date my best friend, too! Fortunately for me, I’m already dating her. (Insert “awwwww” moment).

You clearly stated you aren’t interested in dating your friend, so I’m going to believe you. Though you may not be interested in him romantically, you have a vested interest in the special relationship the two of you share…and I don’t blame you. It’s nice to have those relationships. Unfortunately, these relationships have to take on different forms when a significant other comes into the picture. One of the most crucial parts of any relationship is time. Time is everything. When the two of you were single, he didn’t have to commit time to a specific person, but now he does. The reason you are feeling jealous of his girlfriend is simple – she is getting more time and attention, which has resulted in less time and attention directed to you.

It’s an uncomfortable and awkward feeling to embrace, but understand it’s all a part of the growing process. If he really is your best friend, support his new relationship and take advantage of the moments when you guys talk or spend time together. Change is inevitable and those who welcome it will always come out on top!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Am Jealous of My Best Friend’s Girlfriend,

I think we can all get a little territorial when it comes to your best friend dating someone new. Someone new means things are going to change, and sometimes we don’t want things to change because we already like everything just the way it is.

You said you don’t want to date your friend, that’s the good news. You can still be friends! The bad news is you do have to share and give up the title of “main woman” in his life.

Sharing does not mean you have to give him up as a friend completely. There is still room for a non-romantic relationship in his life. When two single people of the opposite sex engage in a deep friendship, lines often get blurred. Even if you guys have not been intimate (at least you did not mention that you were), there are still little things you have to adjust. He can no longer be your go-to guy when you need a +1 or be your date on Friday night when you just want to cook dinner, lay on the couch and watch a movie.  Up until now you have both been a friend as well as a filler for a boyfriend/ girlfriend to one another. It’s natural, but things have now changed and that’s ok.

The fact you acknowledged you might not be experience these feelings if you had a relationship as well tells me you are a logical person and you will definitely be ok. I think it would be fair to say you aren’t jealous your friend is with someone, you are just longing for company of your own.

Make sure the girl he is with knows you come in peace and enjoy your friendship with your best friend for what it is now. Your special someone will come soon enough. 🙂

Love,

Miss J 

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Getting to Know You

Q: Dear Love Jays,

There’s a guy I met at a party a couple of weeks and ended up talking to for a lot of the time. I don’t see him much, even though we’re in the same program (at a university) but we really hit it off and I’m now debating whether it’s something I should pursue. I really enjoyed being with him and we run into each other every now and then, but it’s only for a short while. I feel almost like I’d have to work really hard to see him and I just don’t know which route to take. I want to get to know him better but how? I feel like it may be too soon to ask him out just a simple coffee date or something since we don’t know each other that well.

A: Dear Miss Timid,

What is there to debate?

You met a young man who obviously caught your eye, the two of you really hit it off, both of you are in the same program at the same university and you really enjoy being with him?? Sounds like four really strong reasons to invite him on a little coffee date!

A simple coffee date is relatively harmless and coffee shops create a great environment for casual conversation. I understand it has only been a few weeks, but sitting around waiting for “the right time” to ask him to join you for coffee seems like a complete waste. I’m pretty confident most men are not concerned about any type of date being “too soon”, especially if it is the woman who is asking.

Next time you see him on campus engage him in small talk then extend the invite. As for getting to know him better, start with your similarities. What made you decide to study at this university? Why did you choose this program? Are you involved in any extracurricular activities on campus? What are some of your hobbies? These four questions alone should jump start the conversation and lead you down a pretty informal, informational conversation about each other.

Put your cute clothes on and do what women do best – attract men!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear A Simple Coffee Date, 

I think a simple coffee/yogurt/smoothie date is an excellent idea! It’s not often we find people we genuinely click with. When you find someone you want to get to know better there is no such thing as “too soon” , but there is a such thing as wasting time. Don’t waste yours.

I don’t think it needs to be a “date” per-say, just try to keep it as simple as possible. Maybe one day after class mention you are going for coffee and ask if he wants to join, if he has somewhere to go say something to let him know the offer stands and you would like to go soon. Just give him enough to let him know your interested, but hold back enough to leave him wanting to get to know you more.

Leave the asking of the “big date” up to him. Best of Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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Can I Get Your Number? Can I have it?!

This One is for the guys…

We have all see the “Can I get yo numba” skit on Mad TV and shared a few laughs, but the reality is that ACTUALLY happens. Though I do appreciate the opinion of Mr. J, I am curious to know what you all think. What makes a woman approachable? I am not talking about being hit on, I mean coming correct so to speak. I myself am no stranger to being hit on, but it is on rare occasion a man actually approaches me the correct way. You may ask, what exactly is the “correct way” don’t fret, I will break it down. Now of course on such occasions I promptly tell them I am happily taken, but none the less it is a much less annoying experience when approached the correct way. In my experience there are 5 types of men and they are as follows:

 1. The ‘Trifflin’ One 

We have all seen him, at the club, on the street, at the mall, in the gym…seriously they are EVERYWHERE! They always get just a little too close to you and it usually goes a little something like this…“ Ay Ma, I’m sayin though let do this” Pause. I am not your mother and do what exactly? I never respond well to this. Ever. At best you will receive a side eye and if you catch me in a really good mood I may just laugh. The kicker is is when they refuse to go away and they start walking with you, in which case you let them know you have a boyfriend (whether you do or don’t). Almost every time, without fail they say “Well do you have room for anymore friends?” Sir…you clearly have no interest in being my friend.No.

 2. The ‘I’m too Infatuated to Communicate Effectively’ One 

Though it is not the worst thing to be extremely attracted to someone, if it has been over an hour and you are still enamored it tells me you can’t see past that. Beauty is fleeting and so is infatuation. Next!

 3.The ‘Act Like I want to be Your Friend but that was Never My Intention’ One 

You know the deal, you are somewhere hanging out. You find a spot away from all the other thirsty men and all of the sudden here another one comes…so you think. He actually just asks to sit down and you start with small talk. You think “phew” and automatically put him in the friend zone and deem him as harmless. As the conversation wraps up he asks for your number, which wouldn’t be so bad had he not text/called you right away just to make sure it is you. Ugh I can’t stand the sneak attack! ALL BAD.

 4. The “The I actually have potential, but not enough guts to approach you” One

He stares at you from afar and you stare back, but that’s it. End of Story.

 5. The “I actually know how to approach a woman” One 

This is the guy that walks up with confidence. He introduces himself, his intentions are clear, but respectful. You speak briefly and he suggest you meet up at a later date and you exchange numbers. Now is that so hard? Perfect. *That was the breakdown, so simple*

I am sure there are various other approaches, but these are the approaches I am most familiar with. I am happily taken, but each time I experience scenarios 1-4 I can’t help but feel for my single female friends. Guys, what determines what kind of approach you will have, that is if you decide to approach at all. What deters you from being a gentlemen with clear and respectful intentions every single time? Ladies feel free to get in on this too!

Looking forward to your input!

Love,

Miss J

* Check out Mr. J’s rebuttal here.

 

© LoveJays 2012