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Phone Sex and Girl Friends

For the Ladies…

Last night I attended a screening for the movie “For a Good Time,Call…”. I went with a girlfriend of mine, it was a total chick flick and good for at least 100 laughs; although I am pretty sure I have heard enough moans and “squishy” noises to last a lifetime! On the surface the story is about two girls who (due to a mishap in college) do not get along, become roommates because of financial hardship and a breakup, start a phone sex hotline for money and eventually make bank.

*Spoiler Alert*

Underneath the surface the movie is really about the development of a female friendship. Starting and maintaining a friendship with another female is always such a process, and it made me wonder why? It then dawned on me (and the movie came to the same conclusion) that a friendship is very similar to a romantic relationship….minus the romance. These are what I feel the stages in most (not all) female friendships are.

In the movie, the friendship was initiated by one of the characters helping the other character start her own phone sex hotline.I like to call this the “I really don’t hate you” moment. We have all been there, you meet a girl and you are not sure whether or not she is going to be a friend or foe. Sadly, we are trained from a young age to view all girls as competition. Although you may not want to compete, you will always automatically size them up. Once you determine whether or not their intentions are good or bad, you act accordingly. If you decide the woman is good in your book, you then make sure they know you like them. It is very important to do this as early on as possible, a potential friend can quickly turn into an unintentional foe. Whether it is a small gesture or verbally communicating, it has to be done.

After the characters start bonding and making money through their business together, one of the girls goes out and buys them both matching bags. I call this the “I like you enough to be associated with you in public, and maybe even be called besties” phase. You have heard the saying ‘imitation is the greatest form of flattery’, well in turn wanting/letting/enabling someone imitate you is also a form of flattery to the other party involved. This is really just level two of the “I really don’t hate you” moment, maybe it should then be called the “I really really don’t hate you” moment. You decide.

As business is booming, the characters decide they need to hire a third woman to operate the phone sex hotline. In real life, I would call this the “ Let’s make a decision together because we are just that tight” phase. Whether it be deciding on where to go on vacation or what event the two of you will attend next, it is always a great sign when you can make a mutual decision with a friend. You are both in it to win it and really enjoying each other so much so, you even value and honor the input of the other.

Side note: In the movie, the third woman they hire turns out to be a Christian radical who sabotages their business by making all the phone sex hotline callers repent for their sins. Needless to say, the two main characters are not happy about this when they discover the truth and the woman immediately becomes an enemy. Do not even get me started on when women unite over a common enemy. Very dangerous territory.

One more side note: In another scene in the movie, one of the characters reveals she is still a virgin (save this nugget of knowledge for later).

Moving on…

Next, one of the girls is compelled to say ‘I love you’ to her new best friend; the other girl in a moment of utter awkwardness gives her a hug, but does not say it back. I call this the “I love you’s are for boyfriends” moment. The good news? No they are not! You are welcome to love as many people of whatever sex as you would like. There are so many different types of love and so many levels of love. Of course you can love your friend! Go ahead, say it back!

Fast forward to the climax of the movie and both girls are at each other’s throats (if you want to know why, watch the movie). One of the characters finds the need to tell the other character’s parents about the phone sex business. The parents are obviously disappointed and the girl is absolutely mortified. The two characters exchange heated words, one of the lines was something along the lines of “I did not say ‘I love you‘ because I do not love you” and the other girl shot back with “you are just an insecure virgin”. This is what I like to call the “You will always be my best friend because you know too much…never mind, I have changed my mind so all of our secrets and vulnerabilities will be used as bullets” moment. In the case of friendship you should never use what someone shared with you in a moment of trust as ammunition to hurt them. Period. Woman typically do this as a form of protection, you have trusted a female enough to let them know the real you and now you are in battle mode and your sole thought is to destroy and conquer.

For the sake of a happy ending and comic relief  the two eventually make up, I love you’s are exchanged and they live happily ever after. This is not always the case in real life.

So I wrote this whole article to say…Women, we need to get it together!

We should love and support each other. It is okay to determine whether or not someone is ill willed in the beginning, but beyond that can’t we all just get along? Let’s leave the emotional roller coaster for Vivian Green.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Relationship Friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

All of my friends are in a relationship and they are constantly trying to set me up. I love my friends, but I am getting tired of always having to find a date when we all hang out. Should I get new friends or is this something that will eventually subside?

A: Dear My Friends Need to Relax,

Whoa! Let’s just take a moment and take a few deep breaths…Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Feel better?

It’s difficult being the lone ranger when all of your friends are in a relationship. Each of you are experiencing two completely different realities and that’s perfectly okay! The single life gives you the freedom to grow and mature as an individual, go on adventures and try new things, date different people, make bad decisions and not really worry about the consequences and most importantly – being single gives you the freedom to have fun!

Have you sat down with your friends and really expressed how you feel when it comes to their actions? I’m confident that your friends aren’t coming from a bad place, but sometimes, friends need to be reminded when to lay-off a bit. Communication is key! Be open and honest. If they are your real friends, each of them will completely respect how you feel and cease trying to “hook you up” every other second.

If all of your friends are in a relationship, I would encourage you to seek out some additional friends (notice I didn’t say “new”). Let’s be honest, you just can’t do everything you may want with friends who are in committed relationships!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Overbearing Friends, 

Ouch, that is a pickle.

First let me attempt to explain what the situation may be on behalf of your friends.

When you are in a relationship and loving it, you feel as if you have seen the light of day. All you want to do is spread the good news, of course the first people you want to experience what you are experiencing are your friends and loved ones. Being single and happy becomes a myth in the minds of those who are in a good relationship as memories of being single fade. They think “I thought I was happy before this, but I had NO IDEA what I was really missing”. Your friends have good intentions, but unfortunately it does not change the fact they are becoming a pain in your butt.

You are single and for the purpose of this post you are loving it and they do not understand. Your job is to make them understand. Talk to them, either one by one or in a group and let them know how you feel. Tell them they will be the first people you come to when you are looking to be set up, but until then they need to chill out.

I do think it would benefit you to start hanging out with other people who are also enjoying the single market just to take the pressure off; however I do not think it is necessary to completely drop your current group of “in a relationship”  friends. It is healthy to have different friends for different occasions. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

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To Tell or Not to Tell?

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

So I met this really nice, cute, intelligent , good personality, the list could go on type of guy. We haven’t been talking very long but so far things have been going good. Here is the catch I just recently found out that his good friend is a guy I sort of hooked up with u can say . what do I do? Do I tell him or just let them figure it out?

A: Dear I kind-of sort-of hooked up with his friend:

The most important factor in this question is the following: how long ago did you hook up with his friend? If it was a few months ago – who cares! If we are talking a few days ago or maybe even a few weeks ago, that may raise a few eyebrows.

One-and-done hookups typically don’t mean much (for some people at least), so it should be safe to say that none of this is an issue and bringing it up for conversation would serve almost no purpose. I must admit though, men are territorial and tend to gossip more than women, so if the hookup was good or bad, I’ll bet the house your current interest will probably know about it! Just sit back, relax and carry-on things as normal. If he brings it up – discuss it; I’m sure the conversation won’t last longer than 10 seconds!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear What he Doesn’t Know, 

Yes, you have to tell him! If you don’t, best believe his friend will. It is man code. A female will sit and watch her friend fall in love with a guy she hooked up with without saying a word, but a man…forget about it. In fact, he may already know. The sooner you tell him the better. The longer you go without telling him the more it will make you look bad when the truth comes out and believe me the truth WILL eventually come out. It always does. It doesn’t have to be a long convo, just sit him down and let him know. You don’t have to go into all the gory details. Chances are whether he knows or not he will appreciate you being up front. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Waiting to have “The Talk”

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been dating a guy for a few months now, long distance. We talk and text almost every day. I have had a few opportunities to “hook up” with other guys but have turned them down because I care a lot about this guy. The thing is, we haven’t had a talk to find out if we want to be exclusive. I don’t necessarily want to do it over the phone, especially because he is going through a transition period in his life where there are a lot of things on his plate. I don’t want to add another stress to his mind right now. My question is, should I wait until we are in person to have “the talk?”

A: Dear “The Talk”,

If you are smiling and happy with your current situation, I would not recommend initiating “the talk” over the phone. The last thing any guy wants to discuss (let alone over the phone) is defining whether or not the relationship should be exclusive. As men, we have been programmed to ride the non-exclusive wave all the way to the shore. The good news is that the two of you have been dating for a few months, so when you decide to initiate the conversation, it shouldn’t be a surprise; however, be prepared for good or bad news. I am not hinting in either direction, so don’t worry!

Just remember this – even though you have been “dating” for some months, each of you are still single and obligated to have fun. Don’t judge him for any actions or behaviors until “the talk” happens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Patiently Waiting,

Yes! Wait! I know it is hard, but either way it will be worth it. Men need time to make an emotional decision and a certain amount of calm. When they have a lot going on, especially in a life transition, it is difficult for them to make the right decision. You could either end up in a relationship he was not ready to commit to because he felt he needed to make a decision asap, or he could end up saying he doesn’t want anything serious because he feels he is forced to make a decision asap. Things are also more difficult over the phone, it is very easy to misinterpret what people are saying. Face to face you will be able to look into his eyes, gauge where he really is emotionally and go from there.

If you feel the time is right, have “the talk”. Try not to rush into it, or make him feel like he HAS to answer right away.  Bring it up, let him know you are serious, dedicated, and you would like to see your relationship flourish. Also, make it clear you really enjoy him, but you do not think you can continue the way you have been going because your feelings have grown. Do not, under any circumstances “threaten” him into the relationship. Give him a day to think about it and remain as patient as possible. He will appreciate you for respecting the fact he is going through a transition and did not force him to make a decision on the spot; with that said 24 hours is plenty of time to come up with an answer. If he is not sure after a full day of careful deliberation leave it alone and let him come after you when he is ready. He may never be ready, he may be ready when it is too late, or he will be ready right on time. The most important thing is for you to do your part and do well. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Can I Get Your Number? Can I have it?!

This One is for the guys…

We have all see the “Can I get yo numba” skit on Mad TV and shared a few laughs, but the reality is that ACTUALLY happens. Though I do appreciate the opinion of Mr. J, I am curious to know what you all think. What makes a woman approachable? I am not talking about being hit on, I mean coming correct so to speak. I myself am no stranger to being hit on, but it is on rare occasion a man actually approaches me the correct way. You may ask, what exactly is the “correct way” don’t fret, I will break it down. Now of course on such occasions I promptly tell them I am happily taken, but none the less it is a much less annoying experience when approached the correct way. In my experience there are 5 types of men and they are as follows:

 1. The ‘Trifflin’ One 

We have all seen him, at the club, on the street, at the mall, in the gym…seriously they are EVERYWHERE! They always get just a little too close to you and it usually goes a little something like this…“ Ay Ma, I’m sayin though let do this” Pause. I am not your mother and do what exactly? I never respond well to this. Ever. At best you will receive a side eye and if you catch me in a really good mood I may just laugh. The kicker is is when they refuse to go away and they start walking with you, in which case you let them know you have a boyfriend (whether you do or don’t). Almost every time, without fail they say “Well do you have room for anymore friends?” Sir…you clearly have no interest in being my friend.No.

 2. The ‘I’m too Infatuated to Communicate Effectively’ One 

Though it is not the worst thing to be extremely attracted to someone, if it has been over an hour and you are still enamored it tells me you can’t see past that. Beauty is fleeting and so is infatuation. Next!

 3.The ‘Act Like I want to be Your Friend but that was Never My Intention’ One 

You know the deal, you are somewhere hanging out. You find a spot away from all the other thirsty men and all of the sudden here another one comes…so you think. He actually just asks to sit down and you start with small talk. You think “phew” and automatically put him in the friend zone and deem him as harmless. As the conversation wraps up he asks for your number, which wouldn’t be so bad had he not text/called you right away just to make sure it is you. Ugh I can’t stand the sneak attack! ALL BAD.

 4. The “The I actually have potential, but not enough guts to approach you” One

He stares at you from afar and you stare back, but that’s it. End of Story.

 5. The “I actually know how to approach a woman” One 

This is the guy that walks up with confidence. He introduces himself, his intentions are clear, but respectful. You speak briefly and he suggest you meet up at a later date and you exchange numbers. Now is that so hard? Perfect. *That was the breakdown, so simple*

I am sure there are various other approaches, but these are the approaches I am most familiar with. I am happily taken, but each time I experience scenarios 1-4 I can’t help but feel for my single female friends. Guys, what determines what kind of approach you will have, that is if you decide to approach at all. What deters you from being a gentlemen with clear and respectful intentions every single time? Ladies feel free to get in on this too!

Looking forward to your input!

Love,

Miss J

* Check out Mr. J’s rebuttal here.

 

© LoveJays 2012