Would you have any friends if you had to tell the absolute truth?
And much more!
Spread the Word
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My fiance goes out to bars and stuff. Recently, I saw him texting a female who he said is just a friend. What is your view on guys having females as friend who they meet after already being in a relationship.
A:Dear Feeling Friendly,
Developing new friendships of the opposite sex, while in a relationship, can often be a bit tricky. We are naturally attracted to like-minded people and it’s impossible to completely “turn-off” our friendly demeanor because we are in a committed relationship. We have all met some of our friends at the most random of places or times, yet that is the beauty of life and these friendships.
I’ve always been an active proponent for developing new friendships throughout our various stages of life; however, it is very important to exercise common decency and respect when developing new friendships. Our intentions may be completely innocent and pure, but those same intentions may not be reciprocated by the other person. Miss J has often expressed that women are more attracted to men who are in relationships because it shows that these men have the capability of committing. As much as I have tried ignoring this statement, it has proven to be true more times than not.
I’m not against making new friends of the opposite sex, but it’s critical to make your significant other aware of this newly formed friendship. If introducing the two would cause a problem, chances are very likely this “friendship” probably shouldn’t exist.
Love,
Mr. J
A: Dear Female Friends,
My initial response is to say there is no such thing as a new female friend. Yea…that’s about it.
Exceptions
She’s your Friend. (The girlfriend’s friend)
She’s a work friend, that he leaves at work.
She’s a friend from class, that he leaves in the classroom.
There should be no one-on-one hanging out. Texting is okay, but not in length.
Acceptable Text:
“Hey, what time is the mandatory meeting tomorrow?”
*his response should be short and sweet and as should hers.
Unacceptable Text:
“Hey, how was your day? I was bummed in that meeting at work today, but then I saw you and it made me smile. xoxo”
Every relationship has its own set of rules. Mr. J and I established early on what we would and would not tolerate as far as befriending the opposite sex goes. In my opinion women do not need to befriend men who are already involved in a relationship any deeper than on a surface level. Okay, I have to leave this alone before I get messy. I will talk about it more on our radio show this Saturday.
I was scanning my closet with the biggest smile on my face.
“What color should I wear?”
“I’ll were this one…never mind. I’ll keep it simple and wear this shirt.”
“Which tie looks best?
After 5-10 minutes of back-and-forth debate with my mother, I had finally picked out the outfit I would wear on my first day to work.
August 19, 2011.
It was a Friday, weather was great; I was scheduled to work a half-day. My nerves were all over the place, yet I was excited to embark on this new journey of adulthood and success. A few weeks had passed and I was slowly gaining a better understanding of my job responsibilities, rules to follow, and all that other “9-5” business stuff.
December 3, 2011.
I passed my 90-day review with flying colors and saved enough money to move out of my parent’s house into my very first place! Just seven months removed from college, I was working as an Admissions Counselor at a top-tier, highly selective university and was living on my own. I was officially a “grown up”.
My friends and family were proud of my accomplishments and I was able to do just about anything I wanted, within reason. If I wanted to spend $100 on a date, I didn’t think twice about it. Christmas? I couldn’t wait to spoil my family!
April 3, 2012.
I received an email from a college friend who was looking to see if I would be interested in starting a business with him. I wasn’t much of a business guy (didn’t take one business course in college), yet I wanted to hear more about the opportunity. For the next couple months, we scheduled a few meetings and exchanged several emails and phone calls.
As more and more time passed, I was starting to consider leaving my job and pursing this full-time. I was met with some backlash from friends and family when I ran this idea by them, but I brushed it off and came to a decision I felt was best.
June 24, 2012.
I walked into my supervisor’s office and handed her my notice. Easily one of the hardest decisions I have made. It caught her by surprise and she was visibly disappointed and bummed. We spoke for a few minutes and I headed back to my desk.
Relieved? Eager? Excited? Scared? Probably a mixture of all these plus a few more. I spent the next couple of weeks tying up any loose ends and packed up my apartment.
July 13, 2012.
My last day. It finally hit me. Was I really walking away from a full-time job and my own place to start a business? It’s easier to take risks when you’re young, so I hid my nerves and celebrated with my colleagues before leaving the suite one last time.
Another chapter in life was about to close. Two more chapters were set to begin.
What is the second chapter I speak of? Scroll through to the beginning of the blog and you will discover this was the day Love Jays was born.
July 14, 2012.
I was completely moved out of my apartment and now residing in a large home with 7 other people. Two were my business partners, one was a friend of my business partner, and the other four were entrepreneurs eager to get their businesses off the ground.
What did I just get myself into? Turning back was no longer an option. I was determined to prove everyone who doubted me wrong.
October 12, 2012.
Our mobile application launches in the Apple App Store and we are thrilled. Four months of hard work had finally paid dividend.
It was a breath of fresh air.
We weren’t experiencing too many victories in that four-month span, so it was nice to finally get one under our belt.
November 2, 2012.
A knock at the door. I answer.
“Are you serious? Okay, let me get my business partner.”
We had just been informed the house we were occupying foreclosed and the people at the door were with the new buyers.
Millions of thoughts rushed through my mind. I began to question if I made the right decision. I was warned, but I didn’t listen. Is this what startup life is like? What’s going to happen next? Where are we going to live?
We continued forward and tried to ignore the distractions.
February 8, 2013.
Move out day.
Am I really moving again? Where will I go next? Did I make the wrong decision?
February 15, 2013.
My business partner schedules a meeting to discuss the future of our company.
As I’m driving to the location, I fear the worst.
We meet for an hour and my fears are confirmed. We are completely out of money and it’s time to start pursuing a different path.
Speechless. Confused. Disappointed. Failure.
February 20, 2013.
The last seven months have been quite eventful. I’ve experienced a few highs, quite a few lows; met some great friends and learned more about myself.
Some may argue I failed; I would argue that learning valuable life lessons are in direct opposition of failure.
I’m not quite sure what I’ll do next, but there is one thing I am certain about…
Miss J’s love and support.
It’s a blessing to have someone who is there to celebrate your highs and provide comfort when you’re feeling low. Miss J could have easily discouraged me from leaving my job as an Admissions Counselor to pursue the very unstable entrepreneurial lifestyle, yet she stood firm in my corner and encouraged my leap of faith. When it didn’t turn out the way we expected and everything around me seemed to be crumbling down, my relationship with Miss J continued to grow stronger.
Offering support to a friend or loved one during a time of transition isn’t always easy; it requires a selfless spirit and an abundance of love. But as someone who is experiencing such a transition, I can assure you it’s an act appreciated beyond words.
We have all been assigned a different mission in life. Some have been called to lead great businesses or practice medicine; others have been called to teach, to write, to dance, to sing or to serve. Though are journeys in life may look wildly different, we are united in our call to love and support each other.
Thank you to everyone for your continued love and support.
How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?
A: Dear I Want Friends Too,
This is a great question!
Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.
As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.
*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other at the same time it is okay if you guys are not “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.
The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.
You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.
Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…
For friendships you had prior to your relationship:
If they are attracted to you in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
If you are attracted to them in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
If they are disrespectful towards your relationship and/or your significant other, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
For new friendships with the opposite sex:
Make sure your significant other is comfortable with the friendship.
Refer to rules 1-3 of “friendships you had prior to your relationship”
The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,
Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.
Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.
Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.
These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.
What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?
I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.
Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.
If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.
Last night I attended a screening for the movie “For a Good Time,Call…”. I went with a girlfriend of mine, it was a total chick flick and good for at least 100 laughs; although I am pretty sure I have heard enough moans and “squishy” noises to last a lifetime! On the surface the story is about two girls who (due to a mishap in college) do not get along, become roommates because of financial hardship and a breakup, start a phone sex hotline for money and eventually make bank.
*Spoiler Alert*
Underneath the surface the movie is really about the development of a female friendship. Starting and maintaining a friendship with another female is always such a process, and it made me wonder why? It then dawned on me (and the movie came to the same conclusion) that a friendship is very similar to a romantic relationship….minus the romance. These are what I feel the stages in most (not all) female friendships are.
In the movie, the friendship was initiated by one of the characters helping the other character start her own phone sex hotline.I like to call this the “I really don’t hate you” moment. We have all been there, you meet a girl and you are not sure whether or not she is going to be a friend or foe. Sadly, we are trained from a young age to view all girls as competition. Although you may not want to compete, you will always automatically size them up. Once you determine whether or not their intentions are good or bad, you act accordingly. If you decide the woman is good in your book, you then make sure they know you like them. It is very important to do this as early on as possible, a potential friend can quickly turn into an unintentional foe. Whether it is a small gesture or verbally communicating, it has to be done.
After the characters start bonding and making money through their business together, one of the girls goes out and buys them both matching bags. I call this the “I like you enough to be associated with you in public, and maybe even be called besties” phase. You have heard the saying ‘imitation is the greatest form of flattery’, well in turn wanting/letting/enabling someone imitate you is also a form of flattery to the other party involved. This is really just level two of the “I really don’t hate you” moment, maybe it should then be called the “I really really don’t hate you” moment. You decide.
As business is booming, the characters decide they need to hire a third woman to operate the phone sex hotline. In real life, I would call this the “ Let’s make a decision together because we are just that tight” phase. Whether it be deciding on where to go on vacation or what event the two of you will attend next, it is always a great sign when you can make a mutual decision with a friend. You are both in it to win it and really enjoying each other so much so, you even value and honor the input of the other.
Side note: In the movie, the third woman they hire turns out to be a Christian radical who sabotages their business by making all the phone sex hotline callers repent for their sins. Needless to say, the two main characters are not happy about this when they discover the truth and the woman immediately becomes an enemy. Do not even get me started on when women unite over a common enemy. Very dangerous territory.
One more side note: In another scene in the movie, one of the characters reveals she is still a virgin (save this nugget of knowledge for later).
Moving on…
Next, one of the girls is compelled to say ‘I love you’ to her new best friend; the other girl in a moment of utter awkwardness gives her a hug, but does not say it back. I call this the “I love you’s are for boyfriends” moment. The good news? No they are not! You are welcome to love as many people of whatever sex as you would like. There are so many different types of love and so many levels of love. Of course you can love your friend! Go ahead, say it back!
Fast forward to the climax of the movie and both girls are at each other’s throats (if you want to know why, watch the movie). One of the characters finds the need to tell the other character’s parents about the phone sex business. The parents are obviously disappointed and the girl is absolutely mortified. The two characters exchange heated words, one of the lines was something along the lines of “I did not say ‘I love you‘ because I do not love you” and the other girl shot back with “you are just an insecure virgin”. This is what I like to call the “You will always be my best friend because you know too much…never mind, I have changed my mind so all of our secrets and vulnerabilities will be used as bullets” moment. In the case of friendship you should never use what someone shared with you in a moment of trust as ammunition to hurt them. Period. Woman typically do this as a form of protection, you have trusted a female enough to let them know the real you and now you are in battle mode and your sole thought is to destroy and conquer.
For the sake of a happy ending and comic relief the two eventually make up, I love you’s are exchanged and they live happily ever after. This is not always the case in real life.
So I wrote this whole article to say…Women, we need to get it together!
We should love and support each other. It is okay to determine whether or not someone is ill willed in the beginning, but beyondthat can’t we all just get along? Let’s leave the emotional roller coaster forVivian Green.
