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Love Jays on TradioV: Episode 11

In this week’s episode, we discussed 100% disclosure in relationships, managing attraction for another person while in a relationship, our vlog series on Alright TV (If you haven’t subscribed yet, you definitely should!), and the progression of gender roles within a relationship.

We hope everyone enjoyed a loving, special and fun Mother’s Day weekend!

Love,

J&J

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I Don’t Approve Of My Girlfriend’s Friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?

A: Dear Birds of a Feather,

Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?

I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.

Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.

You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.

It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.

If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.

*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Her Friends Stay Wylin’,

Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.

If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.

At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.

Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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How to Make Friends When You are in a Relationship

relationship friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?

A: Dear I Want Friends Too,

This is a great question!

Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.

As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.

*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other  at the same time it is okay if you guys are not  “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.

The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.

You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.

Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…

For friendships you had prior to your relationship:

  1. If they are attracted to you in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  2. If you are attracted to them in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  3. If they are disrespectful towards your relationship and/or your significant other, you probably should not be hanging out with them.

For new friendships with the opposite sex:

  • Make sure your significant other is comfortable with the friendship.
  • Refer to rules 1-3 of “friendships you had prior to your relationship”

The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,

Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.

Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.

These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.

What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?

I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.

Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.

If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012