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Why and How?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?

A: Dear Loaded Question,

When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.

Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Long Term, 

I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.

There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?

The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.

Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Miss J

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Year of the Woman

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A few weeks ago, my pastor preached a lecture series called the “Year of the Woman”. He spoke about the important role women play in our society, the power all women possess inside of them, acknowledged the driving power to keep women “in their place”, yet what struck me the most weren’t any of the sentiments expressed above. He looked every man in the eye and challenged us to recognize the crucial role we play in assisting women to earn their respective place in society. He called us to be Joseph’s (husband of Mary, mother of Jesus) of the world – men who make a full effort to manifest the dreams and destiny of a woman.

I write this blog with the hope of inspiring young men and women to examine their behaviors and understand the importance women play in our lives. In today’s society, it’s almost impossible to turn on a popular radio station or movie without hearing a negative comment about women. B-this. H-that. And what makes it even worse, our culture has grown completely immune to such name calling and has WOMEN using the words as terms of endearment for each other!

Sit on that.

We must understand progress towards a better world starts with the elevating of a woman. Men have been running this country forever, but of those men running it, how many of them had a strong woman supporting them along the way? Despite your views or political affiliation, do you honestly believe Barack Obama is the same man without Michelle? Martin without Corretta? FDR without Eleanor? She (Michelle) is the anchor to his success and he understands her value. Sure, men can argue until they are blue in the face about “I put in the long days”, “I worked for this” or as Drake so eloquently stated, “B****, you wasn’t with me shootin’ in the gym!” It’s a fair argument, but only a fool believes a man is at his best without a good woman behind them.

What if the roles were reversed and it was a man’s job to support their wife in any endeavor she wanted to peruse? As a man, would you be willing to humble yourself? If you are unable to say ‘yes’ to some part of this question, I challenge you to reexamine your ideals. Women were not placed here to cater to a man’s dream; God placed a dream inside of every woman’s heart, so how dare we (men) limit women in attaining their goals and dreams. It’s time to embrace the woman. Empower the woman. Respect the woman. LOVE the woman! We have come a long way as a generation, but we still have a long way to go. Let’s be mindful of the words we use when referencing to a women; let’s be mindful the way we treat women. Above all, let’s set free our negativity and replace it with positivity.

I would be lying to you by not admitting my guilt in every aspect I speak about. I have helped in contributing to the demeaning of women. I’m not proud of my guilt, but I recognize it. Fortunately, we all have the ability to change. I have made a commitment to manifest the dreams of the women around me and to respect women through my words and actions. Because I am human, I will slip-up. I ask for forgiveness ahead of time and ask all of you to join me in my journey.

For the men reading this post: Help facilitate change. Swim upstream. Honor the woman.

For the woman reading this post: You are beautiful. You are strong. You are intelligent. You have a dream inside of you that the Earth is in need of receiving. Spread your wings and begin to fly. The world is at your feet!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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