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She Needs to Back Off!

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We go to a few of the get-togethers that my friends have and everyone knows we are a couple. There is this girl who is not necessarily a friend of mine, but is a friend of a friend who is typically around in these social settings. I never had a problem with her, but lately I have noticed how she tries to get my boyfriend’s attention A LOT.  There were times I noticed it and brushed it off because I trust my boyfriend, and also, I don’t want to be “that one” who thinks every female wants her man. The first time I noticed it I laughed because I couldn’t believe she was being extra, but then the next time it happened it was so blatantly obvious.

I guess my question is how do we deal with this kind of person. For me, the respect level is lacking and that’s where the frustrating part is coming from.

Dear Flirting With My Man,

Miss J told me loooong ago that women are naturally attracted to committed men. She went on to explain several reasons why this is indeed true, all of which made perfectly good sense. We have revisited the conversation a few times over the course of our relationship and it has helped make me more aware of womanly intentions.

Men love getting attention from women, myself included. Better yet, we all love getting attention from the opposite sex. Women just do a MUCH better job of explaining they aren’t interested or keeping it more low-key. The second option isn’t the recommended choice, but let’s not pretend we are all innocent.

Although we may dismiss some actions as just “friendly” or “playful”, most men can identify when a woman is looking to quench her thirst. The problem isn’t that we aren’t able to decipher such actions; the problem is that we often choose to ignore these signs which then lead to conflicts, arguments and hurt feelings.

“I, Mr. J, acknowledge my guilt and thank Miss J for communicating her feelings each and EVERY time.”

Advice on how handling these type of people?

  1. Acknowledge their intentions.
  2. Explain their intentions to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
  3. Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend to exercise common sense.
  4. Check your boyfriend or girlfriend when they fail to exercise common sense.
  5. Repeat steps 1-4

Cheers!

Mr. J

Dear Unwelcome Attention,  

Men are more attractive when taken. I personally do not find myself extra attracted to a man who already has a woman, but many females do. I think it has something to do with knowing that man has the ability to be in a committed relationship. Very twisted way of thinking if you ask me, but hey, it is what it is.

Unfortunately, you cannot do anything to control what is going on outside of your relationship, but you do have a say for what goes on inside of your relationship. If this girl is really a problem speak to your boyfriend about it. Let him know you are not jealous and you trust him completely; however, her lack of respect for your relationship is bothersome. This is where the teamwork aspect of the relationship comes in. Once you bring her behavior to his attention you two can come up with a way to deal with her together.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

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Dating a Higher Up

Q: Hi, Love Jays!

How do you feel about dating co-workers, especially ones that are higher up than you? I’ve been flirting a lot with someone that I work with and it constantly feels like we are dancing around this line that we know we probably shouldn’t cross but want to. Any advice?

A: Dear Dating a Higher Up,

‘Tis the season for dating in the workplace!

I’ll get right to my thoughts and spare you of another long winded intro about the same topic we answered a few hours prior in a different post.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace and don’t think any less of those who use work as their primary feeding ground to pick up men or women. It’s easy and convenient; completely understand. On the flip side, I encourage people to exercise caution when deciding to date one of their co-workers, especially if they have a direct influence over you.

Say the two of you started dating, things go south, then he/she uses their position to make your job a nightmare. Would you be okay with such a consequence? It’s easy to overlook the negative outcomes when we’re blinded by our emotions.

Be honest with yourself. Do you enjoy working at your job? Can you see yourself here for many years? Are you willing to risk ruining a possible promotion? Does everyone know each other’s business? These are the types of questions you have to answer when deciding if the two you should start dating. If you weighed out the pros/cons and it feels like the right thing to do, go for it!

YOLO, right?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Should I Date My Co-Worker, 

To avoid being way to0 repetitive for one day, I will simply say “What Mr. J said.” 🙂 

Good Luck! 

Love, 

Miss J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2013

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

It’s important to realize this holiday is not about the gifts you receive nor the meals you may consume, it’s all about love! Go out of your way this year to show your love for your partner, your friends or a complete stranger. February 14 may be the only day on the calendar dedicated to love; however, it’s our responsibility to spread love each day of the year.

Committed or single – put a smile on your face and share friendly hugs to whomever you see fit! 

Love,

J&J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk]

P.S. Happy Birthday Mom! – Mr. J

© LoveJays 2013

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Check Please!

“Don’t worry about it, I got this one.” [Google]
Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been raised to be a gentleman and always pay for a lady. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and lately she’s been making it a point to pay. Even getting upset when I pay before she has a chance to. To be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to let her pay for me. She tells me I need to get over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel as if people are looking at me like I’m a dead beat when she pulls out her card and I just sit there. Any words of advice?

A: Dear Let Me Pay For It,

The majority of men and women will agree it is the man’s responsibility to pay for his lady. And just like the majority, I agree with this principle…sort of. Now before all the women get ready to take off their heels and earrings in preparation to attack a brotha, let me explain.

I’m fully aware it is my responsibility to take care of Miss J. Regardless if you are single or in a committed relationship, it is our duty as men to respect, protect, and uplift the women around us. I’ll spare you from going deeper on this topic, but if you want a more in-depth look on my feelings about the value of women, I strongly suggest you read an entry I posted a few months back.

Where was I? Right, men taking care of women.

What does taking care of women even suggest? It doesn’t literally mean providing everything like you would for a child, instead it simply means man should consciously strive to support his woman emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially the best way possible. I’ve spoken with many married couples and they all agree: relationships are not 50/50, 60/40 or even 70/30 – they are 100/100! Therefore, women share equal part responsibility in providing and caring for their man, as he would for her.

It pays no dividend getting caught up in traditional gender roles because tradition doesn’t address equality. Tradition argues women are “less than” men and belong at home with kids making sure everything is prepared when he comes home; however, ask any Fortune 500 company who have women in power positions and I’d be willing to bet ALL would agree each of them are vital in their success.

Having a woman who isn’t ashamed to pull out her own money and pay for her man is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of support and recognition. She isn’t trying to embarrass you are make you feel less of a man; she is acknowledging that societal pressures don’t have to dictate her actions. She has worked hard to earn her money, so let her do what she would like with her money. And if that means she wants to buy you dinner one night, who are you to stop her?

Who cares if people are looking at you like a deadbeat. Are you dating the people sitting at the next table over? Do they know anything about your relationship? That’s what I figured.

A deadbeat wouldn’t offer to pull out his wallet at every meal nor would he submit this question. You probably have a good woman on your team, so don’t let your ego put you in a position for which you aren’t prepared.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Pay,

Traditionally the man is supposed to pay the bill; it is the sign of a true gentleman. However, it is 2013 and while the old traditions are great it is also okay to make some room for new traditions.

 You have been dating for over a year and your girlfriend has now challenged (what you feel to be) your manhood. Perfectly understandable. You say it makes you uncomfortable, not because you feel like you really want to provide for her; but because you feel as if others are judging you for not paying. My advice? Don’t worry about what other people are thinking. How the bill gets paid is up to you guys. You can’t worry about how others perceive her paying for the bill. It’s none of their business.

Now, let’s try to figure out what is going on in her head. Did anything happen around the time she began wanting to pay for things? A raise at work on her end or pay decrease on yours? Has she been trying to express independence in any other aspects in her life?

Society is going through a major transitional phase and as a result the message to women right now is be independent, but let men handle everything. Work hard, but if you marry right you won’t have to work THAT hard or at all. Make enough money to support yourself, but you shouldn’t have to. You get my point, the message is stuck somewhere between the old way and whatever the new way will be.

My guess is that your girlfriend, like a lot of us, is just trying to break the mold of what society says women are supposed to be. In the process she is also breaking the mold of what society says men should be and the problem is you don’t want your mold broken.

I do not think you need to “get over it” in regards to her paying all the time. If she wants to be an equal, her paying all the time does not solve that problem. Can she pay sometimes? Sure. Can you pay sometimes? Absolutely. You guys need to talk and come up with a middle ground. There is no way for her to pay the entire bill and for you to pay the entire bill at the same time. Something has got to give. Your best bet is probably to split the bill each time. You will both be a little bit out of your comfort zone, but that’s what you do when you are in a relationship. You compromise.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

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Event: “Can We Talk About Love?” Relationship Panel

We have been invited by Chapman University’s Black Student Union to host the “Can We Talk About Love?” relationship panel on Monday, February 11 from 8:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m.

Panelists will include married couples, interracial couples, homosexual couples and single men/women. If  you are planning to attend and would like to submit questions anonymously, please use the question box below with the hashtag #ChapmanBSU. The hashtag will help us organize which questions are specifically related to this event! 

It’s going to be a fun and informative night, so get your questions ready and bring a friend! 

Love,

J&J

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How to Make Friends When You are in a Relationship

relationship friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?

A: Dear I Want Friends Too,

This is a great question!

Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.

As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.

*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other  at the same time it is okay if you guys are not  “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.

The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.

You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.

Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…

For friendships you had prior to your relationship:

  1. If they are attracted to you in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  2. If you are attracted to them in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  3. If they are disrespectful towards your relationship and/or your significant other, you probably should not be hanging out with them.

For new friendships with the opposite sex:

  • Make sure your significant other is comfortable with the friendship.
  • Refer to rules 1-3 of “friendships you had prior to your relationship”

The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,

Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.

Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.

These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.

What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?

I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.

Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.

If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013