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Thrown for a Loop

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

I have been seeing this girl for a minute. In the beginning I told her I love a good cook, but she can’t cook. She thought it was small talk, but I was serious. The further we have gotten into our relationship the more I continue to be a little bothered that she can’t cook, even though I knew it getting into this.

So for my birthday all I asked her for was to cook a panned seared tuna with froot loop crust like my momma always makes… yes froot loop cereal is used for the crust. But when it was time for dinner she ordered out and reminded me she couldn’t cook. Am I crazy or should she have at least tried to step out of her comfort zone and done this because she cared for me or should I be concerned that she doesn’t love me like I think she does?

A: Dear My Girl Can’t Cook, 

Let’s take a minute and reflect on your request: Froot Loop crusted pan-seared tuna? You lucky she didn’t leave you immediately following such a request. I promise I’m not judging…wait, I definitely am. Who the hell puts Froot Loops on tuna? Okay, I’m done venting. Back to the question.

You can make a very strong case that she should have at least tried to cook you dinner for your birthday. If all you genuinely wanted was a home-cooked meal, she could have done her very best to prepare something, even if it wasn’t your speciality tuna. However, I am not going to put all the blame on her. She made it clear in the beginning she can’t cook. You knew it, she knew it! You claim to have been “serious” when you spoke to her about loving a good cook, so if you were that serious, please explain why you allowed the relationship to continue? I’m not saying you should kick a girl to the curb if she can’t cook, but if you know that skills in the kitchen is something you want in a partner, you are just as responsible for not getting your cereal-crusted tuna.

As for being concerned about her not loving you, relax. She genuinely may have thought you weren’t very serious. Give the lady the benefit of the doubt. Have you thought about taking a cooking class together? You never know, she actually may be good at cooking, but has never had anyone teach her the proper techniques. I’m sure you can search through Groupon or Living Social to find a deal. If you don’t want to spend money, show her yourself! Sharing is caring.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Tuna and Froot Loops…Seriously? 

Where to begin… ok first let’s tackle the food=love thing. How do I put this…Though as a woman I do understand the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, not all your food is “made with love”. If your woman can’t cook she can’t cook. You said something really important, “you knew what you were getting into”. Case closed! I know you want your mother’s recipe, but you have to understand as a woman being asked to do anything “like your momma does” is intimidating enough. Not only are you asking her to live up to the most important woman in your life, but you are asking her to do it while doing the thing she is most uncomfortable doing. So yes, you should be concerned with how she feels, but not about how much she loves you. The fact she is still around speaks for itself. No woman likes being asked to live up to the “Momma Standard” and even more than that we do not like falling short and reminded of it.

If you are really stuck on her cooking for you I suggest cooking WITH her. That way it will be an activity you do together and it will turn into something she looks forward to. Start with simple recipes like pasta and you guys can eventually work your way up to more advanced recipes. Who knows, maybe one day you will even make your favorite…Froot Loop crusted Tuna

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2012

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The Case of the Open Relationship

Q: Dear Love Jays,

For younger couples-

Since this a time focused on discovery and growth, Do you think open relationships can be succesful?

A: Dear Open Relationship,

Open relationships…people really have these? Oops, let me get to the question.

Can open relationships be successful? Sure. Will open relationships typically turn into a serious and loving relationship? I’ll bet against it.

Open relationships are poor excuses for people who aren’t mature enough to make a serious commitment. Why even waste the energy to be in an “open relationship” when you will most likely act the same if your were single? I understand it’s nice to have someone who you can talk to everyday, hang out with often and satisfy each others physical desires; however, there comes a point when one of the parties involved will start developing emotions much stronger than the “open relationship” contract allows. It’s a ticking time bomb that is waiting to explode. I am all for people using their 20’s as a time to focus on discovery and growth, so if that is truly what you are focused on, let’s not waste anyone’s time with a pseudo-relationship.

If you want a relationship – embrace all the aspects of one. If you aren’t ready to embrace that role, that’s okay. Enjoy the precious moments of the single life – discover yourself, go on dates, meet new people, act a fool and tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other social media platform that’s on your iPhone!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Open for business, 

That’s a tough call. As a female I would argue it depends on whose idea it is. If it is the male’s call and the female’s intention is to go along with it until he is ready to commit I don’t think it will ever turn into anything of substance. If it is the female’s call and the reason is for discovery and growth (with the intention of eventually making it work) I think it is easier for a male to go along with that without getting to emotionally invested before the right time. It’s just a fact of life, men and women have different emotional makeup, be it nature or nurture we are different and what we can handle and how long we can handle it depends heavily on that fact.  If you are both on the same page then more power to you! I think it is manageable, but I also think in the end someone always end up getting hurt. Let me put it this way, either one of you has ever said “You can do whatever you want outside of what we have, I just don’t want to hear about it”  it is not going to end well.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

 

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To Tell or Not to Tell?

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

So I met this really nice, cute, intelligent , good personality, the list could go on type of guy. We haven’t been talking very long but so far things have been going good. Here is the catch I just recently found out that his good friend is a guy I sort of hooked up with u can say . what do I do? Do I tell him or just let them figure it out?

A: Dear I kind-of sort-of hooked up with his friend:

The most important factor in this question is the following: how long ago did you hook up with his friend? If it was a few months ago – who cares! If we are talking a few days ago or maybe even a few weeks ago, that may raise a few eyebrows.

One-and-done hookups typically don’t mean much (for some people at least), so it should be safe to say that none of this is an issue and bringing it up for conversation would serve almost no purpose. I must admit though, men are territorial and tend to gossip more than women, so if the hookup was good or bad, I’ll bet the house your current interest will probably know about it! Just sit back, relax and carry-on things as normal. If he brings it up – discuss it; I’m sure the conversation won’t last longer than 10 seconds!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear What he Doesn’t Know, 

Yes, you have to tell him! If you don’t, best believe his friend will. It is man code. A female will sit and watch her friend fall in love with a guy she hooked up with without saying a word, but a man…forget about it. In fact, he may already know. The sooner you tell him the better. The longer you go without telling him the more it will make you look bad when the truth comes out and believe me the truth WILL eventually come out. It always does. It doesn’t have to be a long convo, just sit him down and let him know. You don’t have to go into all the gory details. Chances are whether he knows or not he will appreciate you being up front. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Waiting to have “The Talk”

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been dating a guy for a few months now, long distance. We talk and text almost every day. I have had a few opportunities to “hook up” with other guys but have turned them down because I care a lot about this guy. The thing is, we haven’t had a talk to find out if we want to be exclusive. I don’t necessarily want to do it over the phone, especially because he is going through a transition period in his life where there are a lot of things on his plate. I don’t want to add another stress to his mind right now. My question is, should I wait until we are in person to have “the talk?”

A: Dear “The Talk”,

If you are smiling and happy with your current situation, I would not recommend initiating “the talk” over the phone. The last thing any guy wants to discuss (let alone over the phone) is defining whether or not the relationship should be exclusive. As men, we have been programmed to ride the non-exclusive wave all the way to the shore. The good news is that the two of you have been dating for a few months, so when you decide to initiate the conversation, it shouldn’t be a surprise; however, be prepared for good or bad news. I am not hinting in either direction, so don’t worry!

Just remember this – even though you have been “dating” for some months, each of you are still single and obligated to have fun. Don’t judge him for any actions or behaviors until “the talk” happens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Patiently Waiting,

Yes! Wait! I know it is hard, but either way it will be worth it. Men need time to make an emotional decision and a certain amount of calm. When they have a lot going on, especially in a life transition, it is difficult for them to make the right decision. You could either end up in a relationship he was not ready to commit to because he felt he needed to make a decision asap, or he could end up saying he doesn’t want anything serious because he feels he is forced to make a decision asap. Things are also more difficult over the phone, it is very easy to misinterpret what people are saying. Face to face you will be able to look into his eyes, gauge where he really is emotionally and go from there.

If you feel the time is right, have “the talk”. Try not to rush into it, or make him feel like he HAS to answer right away.  Bring it up, let him know you are serious, dedicated, and you would like to see your relationship flourish. Also, make it clear you really enjoy him, but you do not think you can continue the way you have been going because your feelings have grown. Do not, under any circumstances “threaten” him into the relationship. Give him a day to think about it and remain as patient as possible. He will appreciate you for respecting the fact he is going through a transition and did not force him to make a decision on the spot; with that said 24 hours is plenty of time to come up with an answer. If he is not sure after a full day of careful deliberation leave it alone and let him come after you when he is ready. He may never be ready, he may be ready when it is too late, or he will be ready right on time. The most important thing is for you to do your part and do well. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Can I Get Your Number? Can I have it?!

This One is for the guys…

We have all see the “Can I get yo numba” skit on Mad TV and shared a few laughs, but the reality is that ACTUALLY happens. Though I do appreciate the opinion of Mr. J, I am curious to know what you all think. What makes a woman approachable? I am not talking about being hit on, I mean coming correct so to speak. I myself am no stranger to being hit on, but it is on rare occasion a man actually approaches me the correct way. You may ask, what exactly is the “correct way” don’t fret, I will break it down. Now of course on such occasions I promptly tell them I am happily taken, but none the less it is a much less annoying experience when approached the correct way. In my experience there are 5 types of men and they are as follows:

 1. The ‘Trifflin’ One 

We have all seen him, at the club, on the street, at the mall, in the gym…seriously they are EVERYWHERE! They always get just a little too close to you and it usually goes a little something like this…“ Ay Ma, I’m sayin though let do this” Pause. I am not your mother and do what exactly? I never respond well to this. Ever. At best you will receive a side eye and if you catch me in a really good mood I may just laugh. The kicker is is when they refuse to go away and they start walking with you, in which case you let them know you have a boyfriend (whether you do or don’t). Almost every time, without fail they say “Well do you have room for anymore friends?” Sir…you clearly have no interest in being my friend.No.

 2. The ‘I’m too Infatuated to Communicate Effectively’ One 

Though it is not the worst thing to be extremely attracted to someone, if it has been over an hour and you are still enamored it tells me you can’t see past that. Beauty is fleeting and so is infatuation. Next!

 3.The ‘Act Like I want to be Your Friend but that was Never My Intention’ One 

You know the deal, you are somewhere hanging out. You find a spot away from all the other thirsty men and all of the sudden here another one comes…so you think. He actually just asks to sit down and you start with small talk. You think “phew” and automatically put him in the friend zone and deem him as harmless. As the conversation wraps up he asks for your number, which wouldn’t be so bad had he not text/called you right away just to make sure it is you. Ugh I can’t stand the sneak attack! ALL BAD.

 4. The “The I actually have potential, but not enough guts to approach you” One

He stares at you from afar and you stare back, but that’s it. End of Story.

 5. The “I actually know how to approach a woman” One 

This is the guy that walks up with confidence. He introduces himself, his intentions are clear, but respectful. You speak briefly and he suggest you meet up at a later date and you exchange numbers. Now is that so hard? Perfect. *That was the breakdown, so simple*

I am sure there are various other approaches, but these are the approaches I am most familiar with. I am happily taken, but each time I experience scenarios 1-4 I can’t help but feel for my single female friends. Guys, what determines what kind of approach you will have, that is if you decide to approach at all. What deters you from being a gentlemen with clear and respectful intentions every single time? Ladies feel free to get in on this too!

Looking forward to your input!

Love,

Miss J

* Check out Mr. J’s rebuttal here.

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012