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Long Distance Third Wheel

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, but recently I moved about a 6 hour drive / 1 hour flight away for school.  We try to see each other every 3 weeks. He recently got a new female friend. He says he is not interested in her, but she definitely seems like she is crossing over boundaries of appropriate behavior. She invited him over to bake a cake with her, and once when my boyfriend and I got in a fight she surprise stopped by to visit him at his house and brought him ice cream…. She is definitely encroaching, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not when he says not to worry. What should I do?

A: Dear His New Female Friend,

You need to have a conversation. And it should have happened yesterday. That’s my answer. I will use the remainder of this post to give some helpful advice for all the men.

Fellas – if maintaining your current relationship is of any importance to you, quit before you even start! 99.99999% of the time you meet a new “female friend” chances are very likely that your lady is going to have an issue – a major issue. Get used to it. The relationship you are developing or have developed with this new “friend” may ACTUALLY BE non-threatening and have all good intentions (in your eyes); however, the odds are stacked far against you in regards to if your woman ACTUALLY believes you or even more importantly – believes her. I am not discouraging men from developing friendships with women because I do think it gives you a nice balance. I am simply cautioning men to be careful in selecting the women who you choose to befriend.

Men, we aren’t stupid. We try our very hardest to act as stupid as possible, but at the end of the day, we can decide between right and wrong. If you meet a young lady who you actually believe could be a true friend, introduce her to your significant other IMMEDIATELY. See how both parties react. I’m sure your lady will still have something to say, but as time progresses, she may open up. If some weeks or months go by and the lady still has an issue, it may be time to re-examine that “friendship”. I have several female friends – one of which I lived with for 2 years in college! But trust and believe, Miss J knows ALL of them and has developed a relationship with most.

Want to save yourself from tireless arguments, headaches, fights, tears, temptations or breakups? Take my advice! Friends are good. True friends are even better. Develop relationships with the right people and I’m positive your troubles will be minimized.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Female Pest Problem,

Oh yes the “Female Friend” issue, put on your termination hat because someone has to go and it’s either going to be her, him, or you walking away. Someone has to be eliminated. 1+1 does not equal 3.

Meeting new people, increasing your circle, forming casual relationships, and developing new friendships are completely normal and completely ok.  With that said anyone with half a brain knows when you are in a committed relationship you can only go so far with developing a friendship with the opposite sex. Anyone who came before you…fair game.  Anyone who comes after tread lightly.

In my opinion it is very rare for a woman to seek out a man in a relationship just because she wants to hang out and be friends but nothing more. Major red flag. Tell him to cut off that relationship or you will be cutting yours. There is no negotiating. She has already crossed the line, you know her intentions and you know they are ill. There is no need for them to even be a friend from a distance. CUT IT OFF! All or nothing. You deserve someone who respects not only you, but your relationship.

Disclaimer 1: Your man should not be spending quality time with any woman other than you. This does not include his mother; don’t ever try to get between a man and his mom. You will lose. We will save that convo for another time…

Disclaimer 2: If your significant other has a friend of the opposite sex that they meet at work or in class and they see them in that setting or occasionally outside of that setting with other friends from that environment that is ok! I definitely recommend meeting them, not necessarily to see if they are a threat, but because it is always good to meet the people your partner deems as worthy of their time.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Call Me…Maybe?…Eh Probably Not

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Lets say you went out with a guy. You had fun. Two weeks passed. He hasn’t called, texted, or emailed. Should the woman reach out or should you wait? I’m modern gal and I say why wait…

A: Dear Call Waiting:

I respect you for being a modern gal and not letting traditional gender roles influence your decisions, but in this case, you should tear a page out of the ol’ school book and NOT reach out to him. If a man is genuinely into you AND respects you, he would not have let 2 weeks pass before initiating some form of communication. The technology revolution over the past decade has definitely changed the dating game (for the worse) and some men feel the old game has faded away. I couldn’t disagree more.

It’s imperative for men to  come to their senses and realize how to treat a lady. I’m sick of reading triflin’ Facebook or Twitter posts about how “some man did this” or “I don’t need a man that”. It’s obvious women are crying out for men to awake from their slumber and realize that most just ain’t doing it right! Where are the real men at? Grab your lady by the face and kiss her just because. Take her to spa and get her pampered. Get in the kitchen and make her dinner and then WASH THE DISHES! Real men need to get on their knees daily and give thanks for being blessed with a queen! Stop taking these women for granted!

As for you miss, kick that whack brotha’ to the curb and delete his number from your phone book. Hold your head up high and walk with confidence knowing that a REAL man is out there looking for you and wouldn’t dare to wait 2 weeks before he reached out to you.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Two weeks Too Late,

Leave it alone. If there is one thing I have learned it is that when men want something they work for it.

Yes, sometimes it is necessary to be a “modern woman”; for example a man may be confused as to where you stand, in that case it is ok to let him know exactly what you want and how much you do/do not like him. Based off of the fact you have already hung out he already knows what he is working with. It is his job to contact you.

Remain patient and have fun in the meantime. He may have a valid reason for not contacting you, but chances are he doesn’t. If he hits you with a text in two weeks talkin’ about he has been “busy” and he is sorry he hasn’t “had a minute” then you need to run fast and in the opposite direction because he is one of “those”.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Ir·ri·tate (Verb) 1. Make (someone) annoyed, impatient, or angry.

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend drives me straight up crazy sometimes with his tendencies to procrastinate and give up easily when there are obstacles instead of using his brain to figure out a solution. Is this something that he’s ever likely to just grow out of and man up???

A: Dear My Man Quits too Easily:

It’s rare to mix “man” and “quit” in the same sentence. From a young age, boys are groomed to never quit and always fight through adversity. I can vividly recall the countless number of times my drill sergeant-esque father would shout (if you know my father, you understand shouting is his ONLY method of communication) in my direction any time my body language suggested that I was ready to give up regardless if I was on the court or completing a homework assignment. As with most men who experienced the same childhood lessons preached by dad, we were almost programmed to never let the world get the best of us.

Unfortunately, not all boys have the privilege of receiving such invaluable lessons at an early age. Growing up could have been easy. Maybe he didn’t have work hard to accomplish his goals or he knew how to “get his way” when the going got tough. Who knows. I firmly believe parenting styles have a DYNAMIC effect on the way boys mature into men and how they approach life in general.

I’m not quite sure where I am going with this response, but it seems like I wanted to vent for a little bit. In regards to your boyfriend, I am confident he will eventually grow out of his childish ways and take a mature approach to challenges. It just may take a little longer than you anticipated. Consider his background and find ways to encourage him. You can always pull his man card – we hate when it happens, but when pulled appropriately, we will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t happen again!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Oober Frustrated,

Ok, let’s start with the procrastination factor. I am queen procrastinator. Not because I am lazy, but because there is a whole list of things I’d rather do. Call it irresponsible if you will, well actually yea call it irresponsible because that is what it is. The older I get the better I am with doing things right away. I still do not like it and my natural instinct says to put it off , but I know now that I am “grown” I have to act like it. I think this may be the case with your boyfriend. He just needs to suffer the consequences of procrastination a couple times. I mean real consequences; I’m talking he misses out on something he really really wanted, or having to pay so large a sum that he has to pick up extra work. It is going to have to be extreme. If he has been procrastinating his whole life there is a reason why…because it has worked in his favor!

And now as to the “giving up” try to encourage him. People typically quit out of fear. Something else to consider is that he simply could have just changed his mind. Sometimes you have to put something down in order to reach for something greater.  Just a thought!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Let it Burn

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I started dating this girl and I really like her. I still have other options available, and I’m not sure if I should burn my bridges. At what point do I stop dating other women casually?

A: Dear When to Burn the Bridges:

Welcome the crossroad every man faces at least once in their lifetime!

If you really like the young lady and can picture yourself in a committed relationship with her in the near future, I recommend leaving the other fishes in the sea alone ASAP. Men constantly feel the need the continue searching for something that “could be” better even if we have something really good right in front of us! We want so bad for our egos (yes, men have multiple egos – don’t try to deny it) to be stroked and to have the option of someone on the back burner just-in-case things don’t turn out as planned. Thinking this way immediately sets you up for failure. Why set something up for failure before it even starts?

You said it yourself – “I really like her.” Emphasis on the singular. Her. Not them.

It’s like going to a restaurant. You open the menu and see several options you want to order, but in the end, you choose the one you really want. You have made the decision on who you really like and now it’s time to try it. Good news -if you don’t like what you ordered, you can always send it back and order something new.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Burn Baby Burn,  

There will always be other females. If the feeling are mutual between you and your prospective mate than let the bridges burn. If you aren’t sure where you guys really stand, talk about it. Have the “are we exclusive” talk. If you really like her that means you are becoming a little more invested and the more it would hurt if you lost her. You don’t want to loose something you really want over something you could have if you wanted it.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Secret to Success

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you think are the secrets to a relationship filled with excitement and longevity?

A: Dear Secrets to a Happy Relationship:

The “secrets” to developing a relationship built to last a lifetime is no secret at all – surprise!

Couples who continually find new ways to redefine their relationship, laugh together, sacrifice (time, energy, money, etc.), communicate effectively and love unconditionally will typically find themselves in relationships that span many years rather than the American standard – a few months (I actually have no idea what the average length of relationship is for young people in America, but with the social media and friends dictating WAY too much of what we do/say/believe, I’m comfortable with my estimation).

On the surface, the examples stated above seem relatively straightforward and easy. But as you already know (at least I hope), hard work, dedication and effort are at the heart of a relationship that is built to last! As the old cliché goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Simply put – it takes time.

Couples have to be willing to work hard, yet enjoy the work that is being accomplished. Will the work always be fun? No. Will you always get your way? No. Will there be a time when you want to scream at the top of your lungs and hurl an object in their direction? Absolutely.

Love is a continual growing process. If you both understand that there is always room to grow, you will find yourself answering this question instead of asking it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Secret Smecret, 

I really don’t think there is any “secret”, but there are some major factors that contribute to a long and exciting relationship.

First and foremost you must be compatible with your mate. Sounds simple, but a lot of people end up dating people they are not compatible with. It’s not about similar interest, it is about balance. When making the decision to spend a huge chunk of time with someone you want it to be with a person who just fits. Don’t force yourself to be with someone because on paper they are exactly what you want and what you think you need. I am well aware everyone has a “type”, but sometimes having a type hinders you. Choose the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.

The second factors are communication and compromise! You have to let your significant other in on what you are thinking and what you need and while doing so you have to be willing to listen to their wants and needs. Compromise should always be healthy and it should balance out one way or the other. One person should not be sacrificing everything all the time, while another person sacrifices one little thing every once in a while. It can’t work and it won’t work. Someone will eventually break. Both communication and compromise are a 2 way street. You both have to work hard or you will fail hard.

Third, I would say the key is sharing. I’m not talking about sharing a bite of your food or sharing the last piece of your favorite cake. I am talking about sharing life goals, dreams, secrets, laughs, childhood stories,flaws, forbidden desires, quirks, awkward moments and memories. You have to be willing to share your entire life beyond the physical. I believe this is where the magic of a spiritual and emotional bond happens. This is also the point in which a person gets to decide if they really want to stick around, and if they do, they truly love you for you.

Other than that…HAVE FUN!!! Your partner in crime should be your best friend. The person who just gets you, but when they don’t, you can talk about it. Before you know it you will have shared everything and gained two times of what you had in the beginning.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Real Life Twilight Love Triangle

Disclaimer: This is not all about Twilight, pinky promise!

This one is for the women….

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! News broke this morning that Miss Kristen Stewart (Bella) has cheated on Mr. Robert Pattinson (Edward) with Mr. Rupert Sanders (Director of Snow White and the Huntsman). Sorry Twi-hards, I guess the honeymoon is over. But wait, there’s more! Not only did Kristen cheat on Rob, she cheated on him with a married man.  Rupert, 41 and married with 2 young children met  22 year old Kristen Stewart while on set of Snow White and the Huntsman. Recently the two were caught cupcaking on camera. *cue incriminated pictures* Oops.

Though Rob and Kristen have always played coy to the public eye it is no secret that Rob is/was completely and totally in love with her. This made me wonder, why would a 22 year old successful woman in a (from what we can see) healthy relationship feel the need to fool around with a married man? What am I missing…

Judge as we may, Kristen is not the only one to fall into the arms of an already claimed man. It doesn’t make you an evil person (just an evil doer for a period of time ). I have heard various reasons as to why men step out of their marriage, each excuse more pathetic than the last; but I am curious as to why a woman with all the options in the world would opt for the man that is already spoken for.

What purpose does it really serve? I don’t want the answer that women say just because they don’t want to be judged, I want the REAL reason. Is it the thrill, is it the fact he is capable of commitment (only if and when he leaves his wife for you of course), is it the fact that there are no real strings attached, is it boredom, is it the possibility of winning a man from another woman? What is it?!? Don’t be shy, Chime in!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012