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But You Say I’m Just a Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I recently realized that I am in love with my best guy friend. The only problem is that I can’t figure out whether he feels the same way about me….I don’t want to say something and then risk destroying the friendship. We have a bunch of mutual friends and they keep telling me to go for it, but I am still holding back.

We are extremely good friends, I am totally comfortable around him (always feel like I can be ‘me’), would do anything for him, and I am even willing to adjust my future career plans in order to be with him. I have always been a very driven woman with high career and life goals, so the fact that I am willing to compromise some of my plans for a guy is a big deal.

I am torn because I cannot imagine not having him in my life should he not see me in a romantic light, but at the same time I feel like I am carrying around a huge secret by not telling him how I truly feel.

I am almost certain that he is “the one,” aka the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with — he drives me crazy sometimes yet I still love him and he meets all of my “must haves” in a potential husband/life partner.

What should I do? Should I say something or just be content in the friendship? How do I try to probe his feelings and find out if he feels the same way?

Please Help!

A: Dear My Best Friend has my Heart,

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I will say it again: There is nothing more beautiful than falling in love with your best friend. For some people, the person we fall in love with may not start off as our best friend, but if we want that relationship to reach its maximum level of love, happiness and strength – our significant other MUST BE our best friend.  Not only you have been blessed to have someone who you can confidently call your “best friend”, you have met a person who allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and makes you feel like no one else does!

Embrace your feelings, but also understand that two possibilities can result if you have this conversation. You are clearly in love with this man and are ready to commit yourself to him. He may feel the same, he may not. Prepare yourself for either possibility. Who knows, he may be asking himself this very questions, yet may be too afraid or uncertain on how to approach it.

I firmly believe you will be doing yourself and the friendship a disservice by not expressing your true feelings. It’s unclear how long the two of you have been friends, but it’s obvious the two of you have grown close over the years. If there isn’t anything in this world a best friend could handle, it’s honesty. Friendships are built on honesty, so open your heart and be honest. It may single-handedly be the most frightening thing you will do, but it will all be worth it. Who wants to continue down life’s journey being “just a friend” to the person they believe is the one for them?

Give your heart the opportunity to discover if he really is the one! Just remember, prepare for both possibilities.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I’m In love with my Bestie,

This is great news! Who better to fall in love with than the person who knows you, loves you and trust you the most in the world. Beyond that, the feelings are reciprocated on your end; how wonderful!

Chances are if your mutual friends are all saying to go for it, they may know something you don’t know. He may already know, or he may even feel the same but he may be uncertain of your feeling.

Answer these questions:

  1. Are you both single?
  2. Is your friendship strong enough to weather a relationship?
  3. Are you more afraid of losing a friend or your potential husband? (trick question, but answer it anyway)
  4. Would you have to compromise anything that will subtract from you being a better person?
  5. Has your friendship grown since 2011, if so in what direction and if you were to stay “just friends”, what your friendship would really look like in 2013?

If you answered “no” to number one, have respect for his current relationship. If you strike now you won’t even be able to be friends depending on how serious he is about his girl. Now that’s out of the way…

Making the jump from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend can be awesome, but it will have its challenges as well. You will have to “re-train” each other in some areas because you will be making a different type of commitment to one another. Some things will come naturally and others you will have to work for. Nothing to fret about, but definitely something to prepare for. Make sure you are both on the same page as to what you want out of the relationship.

Number 3 is a trick question because if you believe in you heart of hearts he is “the one” you will never lose his friendship and you will only gain a husband (potentially/eventually). Really weigh what you are compromising, anyone in a successful relationship will tell you compromise is a key component of their success; however make sure you do not compromise anything that has to do with who you truly are at the core. It’s not worth being with someone if you can’t be and do what you feel your purpose is in life.

Lastly, if you are in love with your best friend now there is a good chance you will be in love with him this time next year. The moment you discovered have deeper feelings for him you erased any hope of a true “just friends” relationship. You don’t want to wake up one day both married to different people wondering “what if…”.

Go for it!

Love,

Miss J

If  you have a question for the Love Jays Submit it here!

© LoveJays 2012

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What’s on the Dating Menu?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am dating this girl and I like her, but I am known to get bored. Lately she has been hinting at wanting something more. What is the point in making it official if I know I will eventually get bored? Should I try it just for the sake of trying?

A: Dear Boredom,

“Getting bored easily” is one of the most commonly used expressions by men when asked about starting a relationship. I firmly believed that if you get bored really easily, it would probably be in your best interest to stay out of relationships. My view has shifted. While “getting bored easily” still has some validity, it is another excuse in the man’s handbook: 1001 Ways to Convince Yourself and Others Relationships are not for Me.

The opportunity to start a relationship with another person should be looked at as a positive thing. In today’s world, relationships have been misconstrued, distorted and made out to be the worst idea for anyone under the age of 25.

“Have fun in your 20’s!”
“GET IT IN!!”
“You have the rest of your life to be in a relationship!”

Any of these sound familiar? We are constantly bombarded by external pressures and ideas that subconsciously shape our views towards relationships and helps us rationalize why a relationship isn’t right for us. I like this girl, but…She is a good person, but…I could see myself dating her in the future, but…the list is endless. The purpose of dating is to determine whether or not you can see yourself in a relationship with the person. Do not try just for the sake of trying; make an honest evaluation of your current situation and the next steps should make themselves clear!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I guess I can try, 

No, you should not “try just for the sake of trying”; you aren’t contemplating what you want for dinner – you are deciding whether or not you want to take it a step further with another human being (who has their own thoughts, feelings, and life outside of you). If she wants something more and you don’t see the point, don’t do it.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Garlic Breath

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love to eat garlic and can’t seem to give it up no matter how hard I try. This wouldn’t be a problem if my new girlfriend wouldn’t complain about my breath so much. I try to kick the habit, but can’t seem to stop myself and I’m starting to notice I’m getting kisses less and less. What should I do?

A: Dear My Breath is Kicken,

Head to your local Target and pick up the following items: toothpaste, mouthwash, floss and a year supply of mints!

I’m all for some garlic myself – I literally season every piece of food I cook with garlic. But if that little bit of flavor is the reason your girl isn’t giving you kisses, it’s time to significantly curb your garlic intake. We aren’t talking cigarettes or alcohol – we are talking about some damn seasoning! If cutting it out your diet truly isn’t an option (I don’t blame you if you can’t because garlic really is on point), indulge in it when you’re certain the lady won’t be around for the day.

What’s my favorite word again? Sacrifice? Seems to be a recurring theme. Learn early good friend!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Garlic Breath is just a step above onion breath, 

I love garlic as much as the next person, it is hands down one of my favorite things to season my food with; however when your diet starts affecting your love life it is time to switch it up.

Anyone who has ever been in a relationships knows your partner is not going to have fresh breath all of the time. You have to deal with morning breath, nap breath, night time breath, hungry breath, and all kind of different smelling smells coming from the mouth. It is inevitable. (Sounds gross, but you know how it is. Don’t front)

Anywho, when your significant other expresses thier disdain for a not so natural odor coming from your mouth you have to find a way to accomodate that. Maybe on days when you know you won’t see her until later or at all you can indulge in garlic.

For example, I LOVE pico de gallo, but the way it taste and the way it smells on me are two different things. The first time Mr. J smelled it on me he was floored and not in a good way. Since then I have discovered the wonders of guacamole, similar taste and no negative effect on my breath. Problem solved. That doesn’t mean I can never have pico de gallo again, I have to pick and choose when I am going to eat it.

So for now, limit your garlic intake and go from there. And so you know utilizing a tongue scraper and a tooth brush wouldn’t hurt either.

Love,

Miss J

Have a question for the Love Jays? Submit it here!

© LoveJays 2012

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Did You Lose Your Manners When You Purchased Your iPhone?

It’s 2012 and technology is leading the charge on how we communicate! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, G-Chat, iChat, BBM, Kik Messenger, Viddy, Ustream, Skype, FaceTime, Text Messaging…the list is endless. Let’s jump back just 10 years ago: how many of these communication mediums existed? If you didn’t have AIM and I didn’t have your house number, (YES, back in 2002 we actually had to call a girl’s house if we wanted to speak with her) it was virtually impossible to get in contact with a friend.

Side bar: wouldn’t it be nice if we could go back to the days when it was slightly challenging to get in contact with someone? Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid social media user who always has my iPhone in my left pocket, but it would be phenomenal if I had the option to unplug from the world.

Yesterday, I was at a rooftop bar in Manhattan with Miss J and two other lady friends sipping on a beer and enjoying the sunset over the Hudson River. The conversation was pretty lighthearted until one of the ladies brought up an interesting point. She began to express her extreme frustration with men using text messaging as their primary means of communicating with her. She continued on in frustration and suggested men who are interested in getting to know her should try picking up the phone, dial her number (scroll through your contacts and click the name) and initiate a verbal conversation.

Definition of verbal conversation: when two or more people engage in the sharing of information, thoughts, ideas, etc. through a handheld portable computing device most commonly understood as an iPhone, BlackBerry, Android or similar device (Dictionary.com/Mr J’s creativity).

The sentiment was shared amongst all three ladies and I started to ponder this question: Has technology (primarily texting, BBMing and emoji-ing) caused more harm than good in the wonderful world of dating?

Texting has become the primary mode of communication for young people (16-25 years of age) through its relative quick, easy and convenient functions. On the flip side, it’s very difficult to express genuine emotion via text messaging and requires us to pay little attention to the receiver on the other end.

And this is where the problem arouses – attention. Attention and women go hand-in-hand. If you want to keep a woman in your life, I suggest finding every way possible to balance the attention you focus on her, yourself and everyone else. It may seem crazy, but I’m giving you something most men learn the hard way.

What does all this have to do with text messaging? Everything! Women want to feel appreciated. Simply grabbing the phone and putting your thumbs to work requires little effort; it can happen anytime and anywhere (if you have Verizon). Calling someone requires you to stop what you are doing and engage in a healthy conversation. It takes effort; not much effort, but enough effort to make the woman realize that you are interested and care about what she has on her mind. Give her that outlet. Be the guy who everyone says to themselves, “How in the hell did he get her?!” Next time you go on a date with a woman, give her call and explain how much you enjoyed the night together. A simple two-minute conversation could be all the difference in the world.

Technology may have changed. Women have not. Give your thumbs a break and use those manners yo’ momma taught you! A good woman is awaiting.

Happy Dating!

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012

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More than a Best Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have a question. I met this girl about 4 years ago and right when I met her we hit it off. Over the past 4 years she’s been my closest friend and she’s always been the realest person I’ve ever known. We’ve been best friends but now we are starting to fall for each other. We’ve always kinda had a thing but never acknowledged it until now. We both want to start a relationship but were afraid of the risk of losing each other. Any advice?

Dear I Like my Best Friend,

It’s not everyday people get the opportunity to fall in love with a person who is their best friend – someone who truly understands and appreciates them. Over the past 4 years, you have had a woman who has most likely celebrated with you during your highs and comforted you during your lows. You have complimented her rather easily in your question and admitted to both liking each other, so….what are you waiting for?

A successful relationship is built upon a strong and loving friendship. It’s impossible to date someone, let alone love someone, who is not your friend. You have been “dating” for the past four years and just haven’t admitted it! Miss J is my best friend and the love of my life – the perfect combination!

As for losing each other, leave that excuse at the door. You like her. She likes you. 1+1=2. Pick up the phone and ask her on the date. The rest will be history!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear The Plot of Love and Basketball,

If the feelings are truly mutual I say go for it! When you begin dating someone they also become your best friend, you are two steps ahead of the game. Have a conversation and talk about what you both expect out of a relationship because the transition from friend to boyfriend will be a little different.

In the case of a break up would it be hard to salvage what you have now? Possibly…chances are if you have always had some type of “feelings” for one another you were never “just” best friends. You have been close for years and you feel strongly about one another. You have essentially been “talking” to someone for an extended amount of time and recently had an aha moment. That is ok! The worst thing to do would be to wait it out and miss your opportunity.

On the other hand, if you feel you are not in a good state mentally to be in a relationship or vice versa, hold off! But if you are ready to love and be loved as Nike’s slogan says “Just do it”! 

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Clutter Clutter Clutter

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend recently moved in, along with all of his sports memorabilia. Our place is small! I really don’t see where a lot of it could fit without everything looking cluttered. I really want him to feel at home. How do you guys suggest I make him feel like his stuff matters while not completely letting his stuff take over?

A: Dear Happy Medium,

“My boyfriend recently moved in…”Let’s stop there. He moved into YOUR place, brought his belongings and you don’t know what to do? Ha! Pick up the phone and dial 1-800-STORAGE!

It’s your home! You picked it out, you decorated it and you have lived there for X amount of time prior to your boyfriend moving in. If he has any sense, he should understand not every piece of his sports memorabilia can be hung throughout YOUR (now our) house. Make it easy – clear up some wall space in the house and allow him to pick his favorite pieces to hang up in the house. What doesn’t fit goes into storage!

Be sure to indicate that you have removed some of your pieces from the wall, so he is completely aware that both of you are making a sacrifice. If he gives you a hard time, pull the “this is my place” card and I’m sure that will shut him up. Happy home decorating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Hot Mess,

Yes you need him to feel at home, but you need to feel at home too. You said your place is small, which means you could potentially end up with a man cave-esk functshway.

My question to you is how attached to all of the sports memorabilia is he? And how attached are you to what you have? Maybe you guys can both purge your individual items and have a garage sale. Afterwards go get some mutual decor that you both like with the money you make. When you move in together you begin a new chapter, why not start the new chapter with new things.

If you both are not willing to get rid of things my advice would be to pick a room or space designated for his sports memorabilia, have an area designated for your artwork or whatever you want to hang and then have a space where you pick things out together. You essentially need to have themed rooms. Box the things up that do not fit and save them for when you have a bigger space. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012