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In Love with a Younger Man

Q: Dear Love Jays,


I’m in a relationship with someone who is a couple of years younger than me. We have been together for a while and I know that we are in love. However, I know that in a few years I will be at an age ready for marriage, but he will still be pretty young and probably not ready. Should I let our love dictate when we will think about marriage? Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?

A: Dear Marriage on the Mind,

I’m going to ask you one simple question: What is the right age to get married?

A very important principle that is misunderstood by popular culture is the idea that marriage should be reserved for people in a specific age bracket. Growing up, males are often told, “Son, you have the rest of your life to be married – go out, meet people and have fun!” While I do agree with this advice in some manner, I also disagree with it. This way of thinking may easily result in someone (male or female) pushing away their true partner simply because “it’s not the right time” or “I’m too young to marry this person”.

Newsflash: LOVE IS NOT CONVENIENT.

I understand age is a strong representation of our emotional and physical maturity, but it should not be used as the sole determining factor in deciding whether or not one should get married. Let’s be honest, you have absolutely zero insight into knowing if he – or even YOU – will be ready for marriage in a “few years”. Just because you may be “age-ready” doesn’t mean you will be “love-ready” or “mentally-ready”. The most important factor in a marriage is simple – love. Let your love decide when it’s time to get married! In the meantime, continue strengthening the connection between your significant other and let time play it’s role. Life happens day-by-day, not year-by-year.

And for this question: “Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?” Just re-read the question multiple times and see how foolish it really sounds.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear for Love’s Sake,

Let me get this straight…you are asking if you should leave your current boyfriend (whom you love) because you want to get married in a couple of years and that MAY be enough time to find someone else who also wants to get married soon; meanwhile the man you love will marry someone else in another couple of years  and have the life you could have had if you were just a little more patient?

Let me ask you this, given the choice would you rather have an okay life with almost everything you want in 2 years or the life you really want in 4 years?

True love is a gift; you should never have to choose between being in love or getting married. They should go hand in hand. You want to be in a place where you want to get married BECAUSE you are in love. There is no way to know whether or not he will be ready to marry in a couple years, you don’t even know if you will really be ready. All women have a timeline, but if you ask most of them they will say things did not quite go as planned. If you are happy,not just content – I mean really really happy in your relationship, you should stay. Love is not guaranteed and neither is marriage, if you found a good one you should hold on to him! Things will progress naturally no matter his age.

I completely understand why you feel you have to get married/have children by a certain age. As women, we are very aware of our biological clock and we know our baby maker will only work for so long.

Is he aware of your concerns or are you just assuming he is not thinking about it and will not think about it anytime soon? In any relationship, it is important for you to communicate your expectations with your significant other. Ask him what age he thinks he wants to get married and how many kids he wants. I remember when Mr. J and I first started talking about when we wanted to get married (at this point we were not even discussing marrying each other) I said I wanted to be 28 and he said he wanted to be 30. I can tell you now, that’s not happening. We definitely over shot.  Things change and people change their minds. On the flip side, if you have “the conversation” and he says he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids you might want to reevaluate. So that’s my advice, talk to the man! You may even be surprised by his answer!

Love,

Miss J

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Budding Office Romance

Q: Dear Love Jays,

A few months ago I started working in a new office on the 7th floor of a 10 story office building (point being, it’s not a huge building).  My first day I took the walkway on the south side of the building; I looked up and saw two men in an office on the second floor – one guy must have been telling a hilarious story because he was in the doorway making extremely grand running motions with an awful face while the guy at the desk was laughing hysterically.  I couldn’t help myself so I pointed and laughed.  The ‘running-man’ (if you will) was mortified and the guy at the desk turned and gave me a huge thumbs up, and I also happened to find extremely attractive.  That was three months ago.  Two months ago I received my assigned parking spot on the north side of the building… I go way out of my way to walk by this cute guy’s office and every morning we exchange an enthusiastic wave and smile (almost always initiated by him).  I have an extremely outgoing personality and a healthy dose of confidence so I have no problem approaching guys… I have no idea what to do in this situation though!  Go full on Love Actually and write ‘Lunch?’ on a poster board?  Stop by the second floor on my way up to my office?  Or just let it be… I mean he could come out there too ya know???  I feel like I’m already going out of my way just to smile and wave at him… anything beyond that just feels wicked desperate.

Sincerely,
Not Desperate, Just Curious

A: Dear Full of Waves and Smiles,

The enthusiasm exuding from your fingers as you typed this question makes it very apparent on what you really want to do! I’m not the most visually creative person in this world, but I’m pretty sure you painted a perfect picture of what your morning, office routine consists of. Kudos!

You are a self-proclaimed big personality with a healthy dose of confidence, so why haven’t you made a funny, reckless attempt at casually inviting the guy to lunch? The two of you clearly met during a goofy moment and most likely have similar personalities, so in my eyes, the two of you have been waiting for the other to make the first move! I’m always in full support of just calling a man’s bluff. Walk into his office and say, “It’s been three months and we still haven’t had coffee? Help me understand.” Okay, that might be a little too aggressive, but you get the gist. Use your personality and confidence to your advantage!

If coffee turns into lunch, then lunch into dinner – you can thank me. If it goes wrong…at least you won’t have to walk out of your way any longer!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear the Man in the Window,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story/question. Sounds like you have some eye candy to look forward to every morning. If that is not motivation to get out bed to go to work, I do not know what is!

You sound like a rational, outgoing and go getter type of girl. So I say go get it! This does not mean you have to go up there and full on ask him on a date, but you can definitely go up and introduce yourself. Find a way to bring up exchanging phone numbers or maybe even exchange your work email. You are both clearly mutually interested in greeting each other every morning, put the hook out there and see if he takes the bait! Good luck 🙂

Love,

Miss J

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Is it Too Late?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you do when you start falling for the guy you turned down a couple years ago? Is it too late?

A: Dear On Second Thought…,

 Just for fun, I can only imagine the conversation in your head went a little something like this…

“Wait, am I starting to like this guy?”

“A few years ago, I had no interest in him!”

“This can’t be happening.”

“I wonder if he even remembers me turning him down?”

“Should I say something?”

“I can’t believe it…I think I really do like this guy. This will be interesting.”

Even if I’m completely off-base, let’s be honest – you enjoyed reading it just as much I as enjoyed playing it out in my own head. Wait, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that…don’t judge me!

It’s almost never too late for a woman to seek after a man, even if she turned him down a few years ago. Grant it, if he is engaged to be married or already married, chances are cloud-level high it’s a little too late. But, I’m going to assume that is not the case since you submitted this question.

As years pass, we are constantly changing for the better and in some cases, for the worst. A few years ago, you were not interested in this young man for some reason(s), but he has obviously matured (personally, physically, mentally and emotionally) in a way that has made you attracted to him. There is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed of your change of heart because a solid amount of time has passed. The good news for you – he was attracted to you at some point, so I’m sure there is still some reserved feelings left in him somewhere. The biggest step in progressing forward was acknowledging your feelings for this man, so all this is left is to swallow your pride and progress forward in those feelings.

Understand, the shoe is now on the other foot and he is in the driver’s seat! As the say, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” Make it happen!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear From Rejection to Affection, 

It is never too late for love. Period. I know that is an extremely dramatic statement, but it is true! Plus, it does not hurt he is a man and this is the moment he has been waiting for. I would say most men, not all, secretly wait for the day when the woman they were once rejected by realizes how great of a guy he really is. Congratulations, you have now become his dream come true!

All that aside, make sure you are really into the guy. Nothing hurts worse than being rejected not once, but twice. Double check to see if the reasons you rejected him the first time are not still prevalent today.  You want to KNOW what you are feeling is real and not a result of time passed and dwindling attention. Sometimes when someone who admires us pulls away we mistake missing the attention for missing the actual person who was giving it to us.

If that is not the case, then more power to you! Be willing to be vulnerable, and prepare to be patient. He may go into it with caution because he has been rejected by you before or he may jump right in because he has been waiting for you for so long. In any case best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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Getting to Know You

Q: Dear Love Jays,

There’s a guy I met at a party a couple of weeks and ended up talking to for a lot of the time. I don’t see him much, even though we’re in the same program (at a university) but we really hit it off and I’m now debating whether it’s something I should pursue. I really enjoyed being with him and we run into each other every now and then, but it’s only for a short while. I feel almost like I’d have to work really hard to see him and I just don’t know which route to take. I want to get to know him better but how? I feel like it may be too soon to ask him out just a simple coffee date or something since we don’t know each other that well.

A: Dear Miss Timid,

What is there to debate?

You met a young man who obviously caught your eye, the two of you really hit it off, both of you are in the same program at the same university and you really enjoy being with him?? Sounds like four really strong reasons to invite him on a little coffee date!

A simple coffee date is relatively harmless and coffee shops create a great environment for casual conversation. I understand it has only been a few weeks, but sitting around waiting for “the right time” to ask him to join you for coffee seems like a complete waste. I’m pretty confident most men are not concerned about any type of date being “too soon”, especially if it is the woman who is asking.

Next time you see him on campus engage him in small talk then extend the invite. As for getting to know him better, start with your similarities. What made you decide to study at this university? Why did you choose this program? Are you involved in any extracurricular activities on campus? What are some of your hobbies? These four questions alone should jump start the conversation and lead you down a pretty informal, informational conversation about each other.

Put your cute clothes on and do what women do best – attract men!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear A Simple Coffee Date, 

I think a simple coffee/yogurt/smoothie date is an excellent idea! It’s not often we find people we genuinely click with. When you find someone you want to get to know better there is no such thing as “too soon” , but there is a such thing as wasting time. Don’t waste yours.

I don’t think it needs to be a “date” per-say, just try to keep it as simple as possible. Maybe one day after class mention you are going for coffee and ask if he wants to join, if he has somewhere to go say something to let him know the offer stands and you would like to go soon. Just give him enough to let him know your interested, but hold back enough to leave him wanting to get to know you more.

Leave the asking of the “big date” up to him. Best of Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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Playing the Field

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Is it okay I’m dating one guy (we aren’t exclusive) and sleeping with another?

A: Dear Double Dippin’,

Non-exclusive dating gives you the freedom to date, sleep, or hang out with anyone your little heart desires. Dating is a time when you get to explore several options and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious.

So, is it okay that you’re dating one and sleeping with another? Technically, yes. Would I recommend continuing this behavior? No. Sex embodies much more emotions than just the physical exchanges of pleasure between our “money spots”. Sex was designed to be shared between two people who are committed to each other and share something special. Casually having sex with people will eventually take its toll on the mental psyche of woman or man. I’m sure there are several of you who want to rebuttal my last statement, but rest assured – you will have your “aha” moment one day. Long story short, sex simply makes things complicated – physically and emotionally.

Easy advice – pick one and stick to ‘em! It’s much much easier to focus your attention on one person and will save you from emotional damage, even if you are unaware of it at this moment.. If you get bored of him, on to the next one. That’s the beauty of dating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Boyfriend #2, 

You are in the clear if you and both (or how ever many) men have agreed to the “non-exclusive clause”; however if anyone is under the impression you are just dating and/or sleeping with them you need to either have a conversation or drop whoever is just there for your disposal.

I want to get to the reason WHY you are asking.If you felt it was ok ,chances are you would not have to ask. The real question is, are YOU ok with sleeping with one guy and dating another? Women are emotional creatures, though things may be fun now maybe you are starting to subconsciously notice the balancing act is taking a toll on you.

If you are starting to question yourself maybe take a step back and determine which of the men, if any, you want to be with. If you are not questioning yourself at all and you truly just want the answer to this question I would say it’s ok if you are ok.

Best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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