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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Young Love

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I started dating my boyfriend when I was 21 and we’ve been together 3 years now. It bugs me when other people dismiss relationships that start young as “young love” that must inevitably pass. I think people are so cynical about relationships nowadays. I know you guys are young and serious too…do you think people are correct in the assumption that you have to find someone when you are older for it to last?

 A: Dear Young and in Love,

Those who dismiss relationships between young people as purely “young love” and something that must pass are typically making judgements based on their own personal experiences. Just think about how different the dating scene of today is compared to 20 years ago! Technology has truly revolutionized how people communicate and our current generation is right in the thick of it all. We are constantly “plugged in” and can be accessed by anyone (literally – anyone from around the world) in a click of a button. Whereas 20 years ago, if you didn’t want to be contacted by people, it was relatively easy to focus on the matters of the self and enjoy time all to yourself.

 Even though technology has made means of dating and love much more prevalent in our generation, the reality is that love is completely non-discriminatory and does not have an age limit. You could be 16 and fall in love, just as you can be 60 and find love for the first time! Each person experiences a different route in finding love, so it is completely biased and unfair to say that someone’s relationship is not real simply because of their age. We cannot deny the fact that young relationships often exhibit great immaturity and requires a steady maturation process, but at the end of the day, maturation doesn’t stop in your 20’s. We are constantly evolving and maturing in every stage of life; the process is just much more visual while we are young.

 In regards to the nonsense that one should be older to find a relationship to last – I’m pretty sure older people are still getting divorces, too! We have each been blessed to find love at a young age, so embrace it and ignore what others have to say. I wouldn’t be surprised if 75% of the people saying this foolery are single, divorced, or never-married! 

 Bitter party of 2? Your table is ready!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Real Love, 

Absolutely not! You know what they say about assuming…it makes an a** out of you and me. It’s not about being the “right” age it’s about being with the right person. Love does not discriminate.

 People do not mean any harm when they say you are experiencing “young love”, what they mean is you are loving as if you have never been burned before, your walls aren’t as high and you aren’t loving in a guarded way. You can experience young love at any age really. The older you are and the more sour experiences you have, the more skeptical you are. For those people young love is not lasting love. On the flip side there are other older couples who have been together since their 20’s and they are still going strong. Their young love did grow into a lasting love. 

 No one really knows what you and your boyfriend have, but you and your boyfriend. If you know you are in love and you two have each other’s back then I say let the haters hate, they will eventually see what you have is real 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Religion and Relationships

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months and she claims she’s an atheist. I’ve grown up with a strong Christian background and even though I may not be an avid church goer, I still have Christian convictions and ultimately believe in God and the existence of Jesus Christ. Our relationship seems to be fine and growing at a normal pace, but when conversations about spirituality or God come up it feels like we hit a wall. I’ve never been one to force my beliefs on others, but I also want to feel comfortable with someone when I do open up about this. Should I walk away from this before this relationship goes further, or should I give her time to find a common ground?

A: Dear Religion Dilemma,

This is a tough question to answer. I typically like to give the most unbiased answer as possible to all of our questions, but this topic is near and dear to my heart.

I have always said that it is not about religion, it is about relationship (in regards to God); but if you ask me which belief system I identify with the most I would say Christianity.

In my experience, a relationship with God is something that is at your core. There can be a lot of other things around the core (i.e. similar interest, love of the same food, same taste in music, etc.) but at the end of the day it is what is at the center of you that shapes who you are and how you go about handling certain situations.

This does not mean the woman you are dating is a bad apple at the core; it just means she is on a different spiritual journey. You never force your belief system onto another individual; however you should always be able to share without feeling uncomfortable (and vice versa). Eventually you will come to a fork in the road when you will have to choose to either keep your beliefs at bay, or to keep hitting that spiritual wall. You say everything is fine at the moment, but if you feel like you are at that fork now than it looks like you have a decision to make. I’m not sure a breakup is in order, but some self/relationship evaluation definitely is. Since you are a man of God my best advice is to pray on it : )

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Religion in Relationships,

Religion and politics are the two subjects that can bring the best and worst out of any person. Each one embodies strong convictions from its believers and supporters, and often times, most people stand very firm on their beliefs. It’s often been said these topics should be kept away from conversations with close friends and family, but in reality, it’s the exact opposite.

Religion is the source of spiritual guidance, understanding, happiness, peace, anger, frustration, debate and controversy. Some believe in God or a god, while others believe religion is foolish and the reason for much violence in the world. It’s a personal decision and whatever you choose to believe is neither wrong or right.

Personally, I have wrestled back-and-forth with religion my entire life. I did not grow up in a religious household, but we (1 brother, 1 sister) were raised on Christian morals and values. Church was not a part of our weekly routine and my parents never shoved religion down our throats. I attended religiously affiliated schools, but I could never fully wrap my head around religion. I always believed in God, but didn’t really understand what it meant. It wasn’t until last year that I made a conscious effort to better understand my beliefs and become more active in seeking a relationship with God. I have never been a fan of organized religion for several reasons, but my beliefs are based in Christianity. The process of seeking God is full of learning, difficulties and confusion, but since making the commitment, my life has become more meaningful.

I share my testimony because I have noticed a shift in the person I am becoming and the deep connection Miss J and I have developed with each other. Our relationship no longer exists just in the physical, but in the spiritual. It genuinely feels different. It’s hard to explain, but the change is evident.

Your relationship will continue to grow and could blossom into something great, but I’m not sure if it will reach it’s full potential without a spiritual support system. I encourage you to engage in conversations about spirituality and discover the reasons why each of you believe in something different. It will most likely be very uncomfortable, but it’s important to understand the people we are committing to beyond the physical. Listen to your heart and progress in the ways you feel necessary.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Love Doctor?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and Mr J. are old friends; he would probably never guess who I am, but it’s great seeing my boy do his love thing. I find it kinda funny actually, but how did you become such a love doctor?

A: Dear Old Friend,

Thank you for submitting this question and supporting an old friend! You’re right, I have no idea who you are, but hopefully our paths will cross in the near future and the two of us can shoot the breeze and laugh together like old times.

I definitely wouldn’t consider myself a love doctor in any manner. I’m just an ordinary guy who fell in love with an amazing woman, which then resulted in me truly understanding the meaning of love. I couldn’t have envisioned just six months ago that I would ever be writing a blog giving advice to young people about love, dating, or relationships. It’s actually ironic because I was the one always asking for relationship advice, and now I am the one sharing my experiences. I’m sure if you ask any of my college teammates or friends about this blog, 98% of them would have never believed I would be giving advice on such topics.

Love Jays is a testimony to the idea of how we, as individuals, cannot always foresee the opportunities life will present and the rewards that will come along the way. I’ve have always prayed to touch the lives of people around the world, but I never imagined this blog would be the first platform to give my voice an outlet. I encourage each of you to open your minds and embrace new experiences because you never know if your true calling lies behind a door you are afraid or unwilling to open.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Mr. J’s Old Friend, 

Co-Sign 😉

Love,

Miss J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2012

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(Ex)press Yourself

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Here’s a doozy for you. So my ex and I have been back and forth for about two years. There is a multitude of issues, but we never seem to completely break it off. We have real feelings for each other, but can never seem to get on same page. I guess what I’m asking is, can this ever work?

A: Dear Back and Forth,

It’s been two years and despite the “multitude of issues”, the two of you have remained interested in each other and have attempted at developing a relationship. It’s obvious there is a strong connection you share (two years is a lot of time to waste with someone who we don’t care about), but it’s important to evaluate the entire scope of the “relationship”. What is keeping the two of you going back-and-forth? Are the motivations for continuing selfish? What are the multitude of issues and can they be overcome? I can’t stress it enough, communication is critical. Effective communication unlocks doors to conversations that lead to progression and actualization.

The motivation behind submitting this question already indicates your interest in solving the problem that has caused much confusion and headaches along the way. It’s time to put the raincoat on and embrace the storm head-on. It’s unfair to both parties to continue wasting time, if the relationship cannot grow into something stable and enjoyable. Identify the good, the bad and the ugly – then decide the appropriate steps that need to follow.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Case of the Ex, 

The answer to your question,”Can this ever work?” is up to you guys. Let me try and help you break it down.

You have been dating on and off for two years, you have multitude of issues, you have real feeling, and you are never on the same page?!

Dating on and off:  If it’s circumstantial (i.e. you will be gone for a year on a mission trip and then she will be gone for a year for work), that’s a different story. I am assuming that is not the case. To be on and off simply because you can’t get along long enough to stay “on” is not a promising sign. Chances are as things start to get heated again you remember why they became your ex in the first place. 2 years of the same pattern, do you really want to sign on for 2 more?

Multitudes of Issues: You mentioned you have a lot of issues , but you said nothing about working on them. Problems do not go away on their own. If you really ever want a future together you have to start to work through the pile of issues. It is hard work, but it also happens to be the price of a happy relationship!

You have feelings: Congrats, that’s awesome! But what feelings? Are you in love, lust, infatuation, extreme like or are you just comfortable?

You are Never on the Same Page: This is another not so promising sign. Beyond the frustration of not seeing eye to eye, you have to look at the fact that you both are struggling to find a happy medium.  No happy medium, no happy couple.

So can you guys make it work? Yes. Are you willing to put the work in to make it work? It’s up to you. Is it worth it? Debatable.

Love,

Miss J

Have a question for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2012

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The Difference Between Persistence and Annoyance

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

At what point does being persistent in pursuing that attractive female become an annoyance?

A: Dear A Little too Persistent,

We have always been told that persistence leads to success, but when it comes to the dating world – persistence must be executed strategically and effectively. If handled inappropriately, persistence is equivalent to thirst! And believe it when I say that once a woman thinks a man has become thirsty for her, his chances went from “slightly maybe, but not really” to “I would rather skydive without a parachute then see or speak to him again”.

Fellas – it is very important to understand the signs and vibes women give off when we are in pursuit. Unfortunately, we often ignore these cues because of infatuation and raging hormones. These signs may not be very apparent at the onset, but as time passes, I’m sure several hints have been thrown in your direction that indicate whether or not the woman is interested.

Here are a few scenarios that may indicate when a women is not interested:

1.Your phone calls or text messages have not been answered. Oh, and in case you didn’t get the hint – sending more text messages only makes it worse. You have already sent “Hey baby” or “What you doing today?” three times and failed to get a response – the 4th try isn’t going to help your cause.

2. Your request is still pending on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. The fact you found her on all three platforms is already a telling sign.

3. She greets you with the awkward  “Heeeeeyyyyy….” then claims she is on her way somewhere, so she can’t talk long.

4. You haven’t had a second date or worse, you never got the first one. Think of it like baseball – three strikes and you’re out.

I’m sure the ladies can add another 100+ examples to this list, but I thought I would kickstart it. Simply put, it becomes annoyance once the woman is not interested. Men, relax a bit and play the field wisely. The thirst is real and women are not looking to be the quencher!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Too Eager to Please, 

Every woman is different, but we are all similar in the fact we do send subtle messages (and sometimes not so subtle messages) to let you know if you are doing too little or too much.

Here are a few common cues:

If she says she thinks you are better off friends, listen to her. She means it. At that point, you need not be persistent anymore, and if you are capable of being a friend do just that; if not- walk away. If she changes her mind she will then come to you.

Also, if your woman of interest has told you point blank she is not interested, you need to respect that. It does not mean she wants to be friends, it does not mean she is playing hard to get, it means SHE IS NOT INTERESTED.

If you are texting a woman and her responses are getting shorter and shorter, that means you are texting too much. It’s okay to engage in a text conversation, but you do not need to text someone you are just getting to know a million times a day. A short phone call (yes, that device you use to text actually has the ability to call people too!)  and between 1-2 text will do for the “getting to know you/I’m interested” phase.

Lastly, lay off of the “feelers”. If you want to say something to a woman, say it and own it. If you really want to pursue a woman don’t do the half joking half serious “dang girl you look good today” with a stupid smirk on your face approach. It’s annoying the first time, bad the second time and sad the third time. If you are just trying to be silly with a friend, it is totally fine, but if you want a real chance with a woman you do not know – that is probably the worst way to go about it. Have confidence, mention she looks great or beautiful and leave it there. That way it is not a feeler and you don’t appear to expect anything in return. You just wanted to tell her she looks great and move on with your day. It’s always better to be persistent in that way than to pester her into giving you a chance. No extras or jokes needed.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012