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Couples Counseling

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you guys think it’s a smart idea to go to some form of couples counseling prior to committing to marriage?

A: Dear Pre-Marriage Counseling,

Marriage is a very exciting and serious commitment for any relationship and should not be taken lightly. While we pride ourselves on knowing almost everything about our partner, we may not be aware of some thoughts, feeling or behaviors that may cause conflict down the road. When we decide to marry someone, we plan on staying with them until “death does you part” (though in America, I’m not too sure those words hold any value), so it would probably be beneficial to attend couples training or counseling prior to marriage.

I haven’t had any personal experiences with these training classes or sessions, but my married and soon to be married friends who have participated in such training have thoroughly enjoyed it. In all honesty, what’s the worst that can happen? You have made the decision to wed this individual, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises…I hope.

If you go in hopes of determining if your significant other is Mr. or Mrs. right, then you have misunderstood some key elements along the way. I’m sure there are many couples who did not seek counseling or training prior to marriage and are living great lives. If you decide to attend, great. If not, great, too!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Counsel,

Marriage is a huge commitment and the biggest leap a couple can make. It is literally called “The Plunge”. Like any other large decision it is always best to do anything you can to ensure you are looking at all aspects of the decision you are making.

Someone who specializes in marriage counseling knows exactly what questions you should be asking each other and what you can truly expect out of marriage. This is not to say they know exactly how your marriage is going to pan out, that part is up to you, but they can give you tips on how to manage things within the new territory of marriage.

Some may argue that they do not need a third-party butting into their relationship. To those people I would say to try not to think of them as “another person”, but to instead think about them as a helping hand. At the end of the day the goal is to equip the couple with useful tools that lead to success, not to test the relationship.

I think marriage counseling is an excellent idea. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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Friend Zone?

Q: Hi Love Jays,

I’m starting to realize I have feelings for one of my guy friends, but it’s a strange situation. I feel like we genuinely care for each other, but I can’t tell in what way. At first, I was a little afraid that I was in the “little sister” zone, but as we got closer and closer, it all changed. For example, he knows I have a lot of anxiety with getting blood drawn, and gladly came with me to get it done. The thing is, he’s a bit (and by a bit, I mean a lot) of a player and at parties goes after girls he thinks will sleep with him and knows that I’m not up for anything casual. One night, after drinking, he and I kissed several times that night, so I have no idea whether that was a drunk want or just “because”. He also likes to call me pet names, but I don’t know if that’s in a little sister way. While I know he’s not ready for a relationship, have I been friend/little sister zoned?

A: Dear Stuck in the Friend Zone,

There aren’t too many single men in this world who will completely write-off any woman as being a future girlfriend. She could be a complete stranger or a friend for many years, whichever the case, it doesn’t mean things will always stay the same. How many stories have you read about best friends falling for each other? Just like anything else in life, friendships can evolve into something much different.

I have never been one to “blame it on the a a a a a alcohol” when making questionable decisions. You mentioned he is a bit of a player and likes going after girls who will sleep with him, so it’s very clear he knew exactly what he was doing when deciding to kiss you. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is trying to sleep with you, but I can assure you he wouldn’t prevent it from happening if you decided to take it there.

Simple answer – you are not stuck in the friend/little sister zone. He is looking to have fun and is willing to participate with anyone who is up for a good time. If you aren’t for anything casual, I would suggest not hooking up with him; no need to cause yourself any more confusion.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Zone,

There is no such thing as a single man keeping a woman in “the friend zone”. NO SUCH THING. A man may value a friendship and not want to ruin it at that moment; but for the most part, until a man is settled down, every woman is fair game.

Also, he kissed you. I will say it again, He. Kissed. You. And you kissed him back. You liked it and I am sure there are no complaints on his end. Yes, you were drunk. Drunken words/actions are sober thoughts. When a friendship takes a step in the direction of it becoming something more there are typically a lot of nerves/butterflies involved. You both just had liquid courage, it is totally normal.

While I am almost positive you have not been “friend zoned”, you still may want to proceed with caution. You mentioned he is a player and my gut is saying he probably cares for you, but he has some “tendencies” he needs to get out first. The kisses you shared were probably the result of you both putting your feelers out there.Now that he knows he may have a shot with you he might slow down with his player ways.

For your part you should figure out what it is exactly you want and what you expect from him. If you come to the conclusion you are better off friends then that is that; but if you definitely want to explore something more than a normal friendship you are going to have to drop the liquid courage and the kisses and have a heart to heart.

Love,

Miss J 

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Below Average Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can you maintain a healthy relationship if the sex is terrible?

A: Dear It’s just not good,

If you are in a relationship and sex is an active ingredient, it will be very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship for a long period of time. Sex is the way our body communicates our feelings for another, good or bad. We have all had those intimate moments when our feelings are running high and the intimacy level is off the chart, yet we have also had those terrible moments when our head just isn’t in the right place and the sex is well below average.

Though it is not the only way of expressing our feelings, sexual intercourse definitely plays a strong part of maintaining intimacy. If you aren’t having sexual intercourse, you have found others ways to be intimate with each other, but once the leap is made, it’s our responsibility to treat our partner correctly. Some may suggest that we can teach them how to “sex us”, but if both aren’t emotionally and physically rocking to the same beat, it’s bound to collapse at some point. Let’s not forget about sex drive, either. If you are always ready to hit the sheets, yet it’s like pulling teeth to convince your partner to join…the relationships will slowly break apart.

It’s important to discover your feelings about sex and communicate it openly and honestly with your partner. If you’re not very good, let them know. If you don’t care for it too much, share that information too! Once everything is in the open, each can decide what route to take next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Close but No Cigar,

Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with bad sex? Sure. Is it likely you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship for an extended amount of time? Probably not.

When a couple decides to get physical, sex is high on the “needs to satisfy” list. Bad sex is just not satisfying. Period. Of course you can always attempt to teach your partner what it is exactly that satisfies you. If they can keep up, great; but if not… well…

As a woman I can say (for the most part) sex is an emotional act. We correlate the quality of sex with the intensity of a man’s deep desire to love/want us. Everyone is allowed an off day, but if it’s consistently bad that could be a sign. Think of your body as a puzzle, some pieces fit together perfectly and others don’t fit at all because they belong to another piece. Your partner may not be “bad” per say, they just might not be compatible with you. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

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A Broken Engagement and A Broken Heart

Q: Dear Love Jays,
Hi, thank you guys for your great advice. I’m here once again for more advice. I was engaged and in love, but he happened to be a very jealous and controlling boyfriend. I thought that things would have gotten better after I told him how I felt and how I wanted us to have a healthy relationship. Things got extremely bad. 🙁 . A few weeks later, I found out he had profiles on more than 5 hook up (sexual) sites. I couldn’t believe it. It broke my heart. I called the wedding off and we’re no longer together. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but he’s already posted ads to hook up with girls and have one night stands. Its like, did I ever mean anything to him? The worst part of all is that I still care for him and I miss him. I’m scared that years from now I’ll regret leaving him. Am I wrong to feel and think this way?

A: Dear My ex-fiancé was controlling, jealous and posted ads to have one night stands with other women, yet I miss him and may regret leaving him,

I’m going to keep this real brief – respect yourself.

You were in love. You were engaged to be married. You committed 5 years of your life. It’s hard and it’s not fair, but you owe yourself the opportunity to be loved, respected, and admired by someone who truly understands the meanings of those words. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed that you still care and love him – be encouraged at your power to love even when someone hasn’t given you any reason to love them. Imagine the love you will demonstrate towards the person who loves you just the same?

You must stand firm on your two feet and boldly proclaim and understand your worth! Fall back in love with you. Learn from your mistakes. Grow wiser. Smile. Change is patiently awaiting.

Fear is crippling and will prevent even the strongest people from moving forward, but those who conquer fear usually never regret it.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Going to Regret This?,  

I am willing to bet years from now, if you had not left him, you would regret staying. Give yourself some credit and trust your first instinct. Your gut told you that you were better than how he was treating you and you deserve better. Guess what? Your gut was right!

Men like that know how to manipulate you; of course he is still telling you he loves you. He even may think that he does. But ask yourself this, is the way he loves you/is capable of loving you well enough for you? The answer is no. Every woman worth her grit deserves more than that.

It is normal for you to still have feelings for him, after all you were engaged. Try not to confuse your feelings of loss with regret. Sometimes those feelings do go hand in hand, but in this case you dodged a bullet. You could have ended up spending the rest of your life dealing with issues like this, but instead you broke it off and the possibilities of finding a genuine and healthy love are endless.

So, will you regret choosing happiness? Doubtful. Hang in there and stay strong! 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

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In your Dreams

 Q: Dear Love Jays,

What does it mean to dream about your girlfriend cheating on you? So for at least a year, maybe more, I have had terrible dreams about my girlfriend cheating on me. There are a few recurring similarities in my dreams. Like I always walk in on her cheating. Either I walk into my house and see them or someone tells me in my dream that they think something is going on so I go to the persons house I think she is cheating  on me with and I catch them. Also in all of my dreams somehow I am always hindered. Like usually I feel super weak. And I’ll try to hit the guy but I’m super super weak and I can’t move very fast and I feel like all the strength has left my body. Sort of like I ran just ran few miles. In my most recent dream I was unable to talk. My voice was a super faint whisper and people could barely hear me. In some dreams I get mad and I want to fight but I can’t because of one of the things I just listed. This is what I expect my actual reaction would be, to fight. But I also have ones where I break down and cry in the dreams. (which isn’t like me at all) and in these dreams I’m like the most upset I could ever be.I cry a lot and ask her how could she do this to me?  In all of my dreams my girlfriend feels absolutely no remorse and she throws it in my face. She  tells me oh well. (this also is NOTHING like my girlfriend) last but not least all of the people she is cheating on me with, we both know somehow. Usually it is her ex-boyfriends. But the last time it was her cousin (and he is one of my close friends) and It has been a few other of my friends. But these friends of mine I 100% trust with gf. So if anyone could help me out I would really appreciate it. It has been goin on for probably about a year. My girlfriend and me have been together just over 3 years.

A: Dear Dreams that make you Scream,

We decided to answer this question together.

We have both, on separate occasions, have had dreams of the other cheating and had no idea where the dreams stemmed from seeing as neither one of us had a reason to distrust the other. This being the case we decided to google it (genius we know) and this is what we found:

Cheating 
To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiance, or significant other suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, cheating dreams reflect the intensity of your sexual passion; you are exploring areas of your sexuality. In this scenario, the dream may actually serve as a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, if you are approaching your own wedding date, then it is not uncommon to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than your intended spouse. Most likely, such a dream represents the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity – that of a spouse.

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are subconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship.

To dream that your friend is being cheated on indicates your subconscious dislike for his/her significant other. You think your friend deserves to be treated better.

To dream that you are cheating at a game suggests that you are not being honest with yourself. You feel inadequate and insecure.

We are not saying this is definitely what your dreams mean, but it’s a good start if you are looking to interpret your dreams. For more dream interpretations click here.

Hope this helps! 

Love, 

J&J 

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The Dating Game

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Q: Dear Love Jays,

So I really just need to start dating and meeting new people. I’ve been going out and exchanging numbers BUT I don’t know what to do next. How soon is too soon to text them? or should I not at all? what do you say? cause I hate those text that go nowhere like “what’s up” blahhh idk…any advice?

A: Dear Meaningless Text Conversations,

Meeting new people always proves to be interesting. We typically plan on looking our best when going out to places where a potential prospect could be awaiting, but we really never know when we may meet someone who strikes our eye. The spontaneity of engaging with someone random seems to remove the awkwardness and allow both people to just be themselves – no facades or planned out strategies. I’m an avid people lover who is notorious for talking to anyone willing to entertain my foolishness; surprisingly, most of the engagements are fun and have resulted in great friendships.

My point? Stop trying to plan ways of meeting and dating new people. Focus your energy into discovering new things about yourself – interests, hobbies, movies, books, food, etc. It’s very easy to ignore ourselves en route to seeking companionship. As we learn more about ourselves, our confidence, happiness and personal well-being elevate and others will notice. Next thing you know…BOOM! People are coming out the woowork trying to learn more about you. Good things always come when we least expect it, so pump your brakes and ride slow.

In regards to your actual question, dial the number and have a verbal conversation! Texting should be reserved for it’s intended purpose – short messaging service (SMS). If you truly want to get to know someone, emoticons and abbreviated language isn’t the best way. Using a phone in 2012 to talk is a foreign concept, but I feel a revolution coming…at least I hope. Cheers!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 A: Dear Any Advice,

Congrats on making the decision to get out there and meet new people. You are one step closer to making things happen.

The dating game is tricky and I am in no way an expert. You sound like you want to skip the small talk and go straight for the dating; in a nutshell, you mean business. The only problem with that equation is that it takes two to tango. What type of places are you going? Are you giving your number out at the club or at the local coffee shop?

Chances are if you are giving your number out at a place where you can’t really talk to a person than you are going to get lame text messages with an unbearable amount of small talk. At a setting like “da club” you may not find a “deep” connection. You will get a lot of surface level interaction while there and that surface level of “getting to know you” will continue afterwards. Most people in that type of social setting are looking for more of a short-term good time than they are love….typically.

With that said, if you are going to a poetry night or even a game of some sort your chances of making a deeper connection are better. Not only are you meeting people with similar interest that you will have something other than “what’s up” to say to them, but you will more than likely have a conversation to pick up from.

As far as the ‘how long do you wait’ question… I have no idea! If you are a woman I would say a man will probably contact you if he is really interested and if you are a man I would say don’t wait longer than 2 days. Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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