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Celibacy and Sexual Intimacy

 

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a celibate relationship as well. My partner is a virgin, but I am not. We engage in other sexual activities, but no penetration of any kind. Although all of my past relationships have included sex, this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. She is totally worth the wait; whenever that may be. While I’m not sure of the level of your celibacy, how do you keep the sexual intimacy in your relationship? Mr. J, as a man, how do you wrestle with the urges?

A: Dear Practicing Celibacy and Maintaining Sexual Intimacy,

A breath of fresh air! It’s always nice to read about other couples who practice celibacy. Funny to think back when I was completely against it – I vividly remember poking fun at one of my college teammates (dozens of times) for doing the exact same thing I would eventually do a couple of years later. Oh, the irony of life!

For those who are unfamiliar, Miss J and I haven’t always practiced celibacy. We were sexually active throughout the first four years of our relationship and felt (literally) it was time to change our ways in May 2012. We decided to remove all sexual activities from our appetite and kissing has become the fireworks of our relationship. There have definitely been moments when I wanted to round 1st base and head to 2nd or slide into 3rd, but each time, we have remained in control and stuck to our commitment.

I used to believe sex was the only way to be sexually intimate with Miss J. That is it’s purpose, right? Who could argue anything better than the moments of extreme passion shared when engaging in sex? While I wouldn’t argue against either, I will confidently say that practicing celibacy has given me a far better understanding of what intimacy really means. Removing all the sexual extras forces you to find new ways of being intimate.

Kissing. Rubbing. Hugging. Cuddling.

It’s so easy to take these actions for granted, but when it’s the only action available, you slowly gain an appreciation for those shared moments. I’m not even talking about long, drawn out processes either. A simple, heartfelt kiss lasting ten seconds will give me an emotional satisfaction far greater than it had in the past. When we get in the bed at night and our bodies cuddle against each other, I feel her love and passion. It’s a different feeling…a genuine and special feeling.

As for wrestling sexual urges, it’s important to identify the emotion and act accordingly. Self-control is key. Most of the time, I just get off the bed and walk around or go watch television/surf the internet. You just have to learn how to put yourself on timeout. If these don’t work, go spend some alone time and “relieve yourself” (Details not included). Exercise works, too. Getting in a good game of basketball at the local LA Fitness has yet to let me down.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Sexual Intimacy,

I am going to cut right to the chase.

I understand celibacy can be difficult, especially considering you have had sex before. No sir, it is not easy and guess what? You are not supposed to be satisfied sexually!

I know it is hard especially when you care about someone so much, it’s natural to want to express that love and desire physically. Focus that energy on other aspects of your relationship. You would be surprised how many other ways there are to be intimate that don’t involve anything sexual.

I am not going to lie, it is going to be a struggle.  You are human after all; but like you said, she is worth the wait. When the time comes I doubt your sexual intimacy will suffer. 1) Because you will be connected on a much deeper level and 2) because you will want each other like crazy!

Keep pushing!

Love,

Miss J

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Casual Sex Solution?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In today’s modern American society it feels like you have to be in a relationship to have sex without negative stigmas being attached to it. If you are single and having lots of sex, whether you are a guy or a girl, people develop negative opinions about you as a person, calling you a “slut” or a “manwhore.” I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. Is there an elegant solution?

A: Dear Casually Sexin’,

We currently live in a hypersexualized society. From the ads saturating the digital media platforms to the songs aired on the radio, sexual innuendos bombard our senses 24/7. What use to be an act of privacy, respect and love has now been marketed as cool, flashy and powerful. And to make matters worse, more and more young people (not teenagers, KIDS) are engaging in sexual activities.

It’s hard to deny that sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. No need to go into details here, but the majority of those who have participated in the act will probably agree. I like to compare sex to alcohol. If you wait until the proper age and handle it responsibly, few problems (if any) will arise. If you handle it irresponsibly and ignore the consequences that may follow, sex shifts from life’s greatest pleasure to life’s greatest vice.

It’s important to handle sex with care and have an open flow of communication with your sexual partner(s). Regardless what some will argue, sex entails more than just the physical “feel good”. Emotions will play a role some place down the line, so be mindful of the people you choose to sleep with and the reasons behind it. If everyone is on the same page, I’m all for it.

In regards to the “slut” or “manwhore” comments, let people have their opinions. If people kept their sexual lives private and stopped broadcasting it to the world (friends, social media) or wear it as an honor badge on their sleeve, people wouldn’t be in a position to make such comments. Show the decency to respect others and most importantly, yourself. If the negative comments are starting to take their toll, maybe it’s time to reexamine your actions and decide if you are happy the way you are living.

Be you. Be happy. Be comfortable.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Have Fun,

Well, as people say: Opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one.

If you are comfortable and confident in your lifestyle than who cares what anyone else thinks?  Let’s look at it this way, would you really be doing anyone any favors if you were to enter into a relationship just for the sake of having sex with one individual? Probably not.

I am celibate and from the outside looking in it may look like I am a prude, but that’s far from the truth. If I concerned myself with how people viewed my decision I would probably be back to doing to the do by now.

As long as you are safe, feel good about yourself and have consenting partners, I see nothing wrong with you living your life the way you see fit. After all it is YOUR life.

Love,

Miss J 

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Jealous or Just Over Thinking?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m best friends with a guy. (I’m a girl.) I find myself jealous of his girlfriend though I’ve thought it through and know I don’t want to date him. I find myself feeling like I should distance myself from him, but he’s a great friend to me and we’re really close. I’m single and think maybe if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t feel like there’s an imbalance in the power dynamics of our relationship. Am I over thinking this? What do y’all think?

A: Dear Role Replacement,

I’ve always held the belief that it is very difficult to maintain a best friend relationship between men and women. Notice I said difficult, not impossible.

We are naturally attracted to each other and as these friendships progress, the feelings of “this is just my friend” can easily turn into “I want to be more than friends”.  Who wouldn’t want to date the person who knows everything about you? The person you share your innermost thoughts and feelings? The person who is always there when you need to talk? Shoot, just typing all of this makes me want to date my best friend, too! Fortunately for me, I’m already dating her. (Insert “awwwww” moment).

You clearly stated you aren’t interested in dating your friend, so I’m going to believe you. Though you may not be interested in him romantically, you have a vested interest in the special relationship the two of you share…and I don’t blame you. It’s nice to have those relationships. Unfortunately, these relationships have to take on different forms when a significant other comes into the picture. One of the most crucial parts of any relationship is time. Time is everything. When the two of you were single, he didn’t have to commit time to a specific person, but now he does. The reason you are feeling jealous of his girlfriend is simple – she is getting more time and attention, which has resulted in less time and attention directed to you.

It’s an uncomfortable and awkward feeling to embrace, but understand it’s all a part of the growing process. If he really is your best friend, support his new relationship and take advantage of the moments when you guys talk or spend time together. Change is inevitable and those who welcome it will always come out on top!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Am Jealous of My Best Friend’s Girlfriend,

I think we can all get a little territorial when it comes to your best friend dating someone new. Someone new means things are going to change, and sometimes we don’t want things to change because we already like everything just the way it is.

You said you don’t want to date your friend, that’s the good news. You can still be friends! The bad news is you do have to share and give up the title of “main woman” in his life.

Sharing does not mean you have to give him up as a friend completely. There is still room for a non-romantic relationship in his life. When two single people of the opposite sex engage in a deep friendship, lines often get blurred. Even if you guys have not been intimate (at least you did not mention that you were), there are still little things you have to adjust. He can no longer be your go-to guy when you need a +1 or be your date on Friday night when you just want to cook dinner, lay on the couch and watch a movie.  Up until now you have both been a friend as well as a filler for a boyfriend/ girlfriend to one another. It’s natural, but things have now changed and that’s ok.

The fact you acknowledged you might not be experience these feelings if you had a relationship as well tells me you are a logical person and you will definitely be ok. I think it would be fair to say you aren’t jealous your friend is with someone, you are just longing for company of your own.

Make sure the girl he is with knows you come in peace and enjoy your friendship with your best friend for what it is now. Your special someone will come soon enough. 🙂

Love,

Miss J 

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It’s All About Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m sure this will sound like a silly problem to have, but it seems to be on my mind a lot.

My boyfriend has an extremely high sex drive (abnormally high actually, even for a guy). I keep up pretty well! And I’m always flattered by how much he wants me or how much he’s attracted to me (and just me too). However, I frequently find myself upset because despite whether we are in great moods, having a serious conversation, having fun, or fighting like crazy, practically everything that comes out of his mouth is sex-oriented. Everything is always about sex, usually. Things always seem to be very sexual or physical.

What do you guys think??

A: Dear Hyperactive Sex Drive,

More often than not, we hear stories about people getting frustrated with a lack of sexaul activity within thier relationship. While I do believe not being sexed right will lead to problems, being oversexed just might lead to problems as well.

Let’s be candid. Sex is an important aspect of most relationships. It’s how we communicate physically with those we care about…most times. And just like any other language, we have to practice and learn the best ways to incorporate it within our relationship.

Sex must be handled responsibly. Shifting our focus to “all-sex-everything” may be a sign of emotional immaturity and a lack of understanding on how to effectively communicate our feelings with our partner. It’s okay to have sex – I’m not arguing against it. But it’s important to understand that sex is only one aspect of the relationship. A strong relationship must be well-rounded and equally proportioned.

If it’s really starting to bother you, I would encourage you to initiate a conversation with your boyfriend. Explain to him how you are feeling and try to figure out why sex is the only thing on his mind. As I always say, communication is key.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Crazy [Sex] Drive Me Crazy, 

We live in an overly sexualized society. There are sexual stimuli EVERYWHERE! Add those stimuli to a man with a healthy dose of testosterone and voila, we have your boyfriend. 

Studies show, on average, men think of sexual activity about once every hour. Let’s say that the man is awake for 15 hours, he has now (supposedly) thought about sex 15 times that day. Now let’s say the man has an overactive sex drive and for arguments sake he maybe has thought about sex twice an hour making his total thought count 30 times in one day. If he sees something/someone (you)  who can relive his desire he is going to go for it, no matter what the mood. 

Girl World Clarification: You have made the declaration to hit the gym and stay away from sweets. You wake up to discover aunt Flo has come to town and all you want is Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. You  resist the urge because you will have Heidi Klum’s legs in a month even if it kills you. As the day goes by little things keep reminding you of Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. You go to the gym and have an ok work out, even though you know it could have been better, at least it was better than nothing. You have to meet a friend for dinner, and on your way there you pass a Yogurtland. You resist again. At dinner you order a vegetables and maybe baked chicken, but you are not satisfied. All you want is Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. As you are leaving the restaurant you notice another froyo shop, it’s not Yogurtland. It’s not necessarily the right time; but you have been thinking about chocolate froyo all day, and you did at least go to the gym.That’s it! You are going to get it right here, right now! Chocolate froyo is chocolate froyo, right?

To sum it up your man is spending a lot of time thinking about sex and you have become the solution to his sex craving. That’s why no matter what is going on in your relationship at the time he still wants to do it. He wants it and he wants it BAD. It even sounds like he has removed emotion from the sex equation and made it a very regular physical need. Sex should not just be something you do habitually. 

The best thing you can do is break it down to him. Nicely of course. You said you often find yourself upset, it’s time to let him know! You are not a sex object, nor will you tolerate him treating you as such. 

I’m going to get some chocolate froyo now! 

Good Luck! 

Love, 

Miss J 

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Soul Mate(s)

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have read through most of your post and wonder what is your he said/ she said version of soul mates/ twin flames?

A: Dear Thoughts about Soul Mates,

With billions of people living on earth, the chances of meeting our actual soul mate can be pretty intimidating. Social media and online dating have made it much easier to connect with complete strangers by narrowing our target audience, but it still doesn’t eliminate the long and arduous road some travel in finding a mate.

I definitely believe soul mates do exist, yet I don’t feel it’s as uncommon as some may think. When we traditionally think of “soul mates”, we create this fairy-tale of a story about two people who are so madly in love and will spend the rest of their lives together in eternal bliss. Our society has created this façade that cripples people into believing their soul mate will fulfill every item on their checklist and only a select few will ever get to experience it.

PSA: FALSE!

Finding your soul mate isn’t all about finding the perfect person; it’s about finding the person who simply makes you a better you. The person who makes you smile, laugh, cry; the person you enjoy seeing everyday and loving; your best friend. We are often presented with people who could be our soul mate(s), yet we may not be ready or open to receiving such a blessing. Lord knows, I wasn’t ready to find Miss J at 18, but there comes a point when you stop fighting and you let nature take its course.

They say good things always come when you least expect it, so just live and stop worrying about finding your soul mate. Be open and willing to accept/give love and I’m sure someone will come wandering in your direction. The question is, will you be ready?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Questioning The Existence Of Soul Mates, 

To truly believe in a soul mate, I think it is important to understand exactly what a soul mate is. In Greek mythology, it is said a single human being consisted of a male and female in one body. Zeus feared the power of the male and female together as one, so he separated them into two separate bodies leaving them to roam the earth in search of their other half. Today, a soul mate is defined as a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament. In layman’s terms, a soul mate is supposed to be someone who “just gets you”.

I think we encounter several “soul mates” in life. Some in the form of friendship, mentors, family, and of course romance. In terms of romance, I do believe in “the one”. But I also believe that “the one” may not be your “one and only” or they could in fact be just that.

Let me explain…

Let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love. You understand each other and things just make sense. Now let’s say (God forbid) something tragic happens and that person passes away. I cannot and do not believe that you are damned to live the rest of your life without the prospect of having that connection ever again.

I also do not believe any relationship is effortless, soul mate or otherwise. So now let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love and you connect on every level, but you don’t work at anything. You let the relationship rot. Well in that case I think you are prematurely ending things with the one person who may be designated as your soul mate for a longer period of time than you decided to stay together. Does that make sense?

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is extremely hard to tell who is in your life for which reason so your best option is to love always.

So in short I guess my answer is yes, I believe in soul mates. There may or may not be more than one. Either way you will have to work hard at the relationship. Love hard and love always. You can’t go wrong with that.

Love,

Miss J

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Unhappily Single

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My friend is almost 30 and has been single basically always. That would be fine except he desperately wants someone special in his life and is very unhappy being single at his age. He won’t approach girls he finds attractive, he has very high ideals of what he wants and he always finds flaws. What advice could I give him? It just seems like a lost cause…..

Q: Dear Unhappily Single,

We all have standards. We all want the best. Hell, we even think we are the best! Though it’s nice to stroke the ego from time to time, we must understand perfection isn’t humanly attainable and flaws are part of our makeup. We are perfectly imperfect.

And guess what? It’s good to be imperfect! Our imperfections separate us from everyone else in the world. There are millions of attractive, unattractive, happy, unhappy, tall, short, slim, round, black, white people in the world, but each one has their own story completely unique to themselves and someone loves, cares, and appreciates them.

Walking around trying to fit everyone in a box will not happen, so I would challenge your friend to expand his thought process, be more receptive to differences, and remove the lenses blurring his vision from seeing the happiness of life. I’d be willing to bet there have been many women who have crossed his path that could have easily been his girlfriend, but sometimes our own perceptions ruin great opportunities.

Unhappiness is a product of the self, so the only way to reverse that feeling is to examine ourselves. True change always starts from the inside out; once we are able to identify our own shortcomings and make peace internally, the world always finds a way to make all the other pieces fit.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Want To Help My Friend,

Finding “someone special” is an especially difficult task, this task become even more difficult when our expectations exceed the reality of humanity.

The best advice to give your friend would be to tell him to really take a look at himself. You say he is unhappy being single; would it be fair to say he is just plain unhappy, being single aside? It’s ok to prefer to be in a relationship, but the word “unhappy” strikes another cord with me and may in fact be the source of your friend’s problem.

Happiness should not be determined by your relationship status and contrary to popular belief ,cannot be determined by your relationship status. A relationship is just a “quick fix” , the happiness is often fleeting. When they do something you perceive as good you are happy, but when they do something you perceive as bad you are totally unhappy. It affects your life completely. External factors cannot be responsible for your inner joy. There are just as many unhappy people in a relationship as there are unhappy single people.

The choice to be happy has to come from within (cliché I know, but very true). He is finding flaws in women because he is looking for someone that will make him completely happy, in reality no such woman exists. It’s an excuse and he is avoiding the real issue like the plague.

Relationships don’t make people happy. The happiest relationships are when two people decide to individually own their happiness and share in that happiness with the other person. So my advice to your friend is literally to “be happy”. The rest will fall into place.  

Love,

Miss J  

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