Before you tune into the presidential debate tonight take a look at Barack and Michelle Obama’s anniversary video. Today marks 20 years of marriage for the happy couple!
Love, J&J
Barack and Michelle Anniversary Video
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
I’m in a relationship with someone I met online on a community website, and we are now in a relationship, the thing is he lives in another state and we only see each other every 2 months when one of us flies to each other. It seems he has no intention whatsoever of moving to California and he doesn’t seem as committed as I am, should I bother investing anymore in this relationship? Or should I just hang on and see how it goes? So far he still seems willing to meet every 2 months and it has been 1 year, but he doesn’t seem willing do much else…
A: Dear Struggling from Distance,
Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain and will test even the strongest people. A few weeks ago, I touched on this very subject and provided a key ingredient that most long distance relationships lack.
You have already invested a year into this relationship. but it seems obvious your significant other isn’t willing to make the appropriate changes you feel will make the relationship stronger. The two of you could remain on this current pattern of seeing each other every 2 months, but would this routine make you happy? I continually emphasize happiness in the majority of my writings because far too often, many people are willing to sacrifice it just to make someone else happy.
It is important to understand that relationships do require the participation of both parties, so it is only fair to discuss his opinions on the relationship and what changes could be made. I’m sure your answer will become quite clear after a few small conversations. Whatever decision you decide to follow, please don’t just “hang on” for the sake of having a boyfriend because I promise you, it will only make things worse in the future.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Every 2 Months,
Part of me wants to say “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, but the larger part of me wants to say it’s time to jump ship. You are both comfortable where you currently live and you aren’t budging. If you are okay with seeing each other in person 6 times a year, with no promise of it going any further, then stick to it. Why just ride it out when you can already see you aren’t going to end up at the right destination? He has already proved how committed he is willing to be at this point in time. If you need more and you do not demand a change, I am pretty sure it will stay the same. Woman to woman, I say walk away. If he comes after you that’s great, but if not you will be open to finding love a little closer to home. Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?
A: Dear Loaded Question,
When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.
Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear In the Long Term,
I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.
There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?
The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.
Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
When is your relationship mature enough to handle the next step of moving in together?
A: Dear Living Together,
Cohabitation before marriage…good or bad? Tough call.
When a couple decides to get married, it typically (I use “typically” loosely as a result of how carelessly too many people treat the institution of marriage) means the relationship has matured to a higher level. At this point, I feel a couple is ready to live together. Living together is one of the perks of being married. If you feel you are dating someone who could potentially be your life partner, why wouldn’t you want to wait and enjoy such an experience? I’ve discussed this same question with friends (all of whom are in long-term relationship or married) and most agreed that couples should wait until marriage before cohabiting.
In today’s society, it seems that young people decide to move in together for financial reasons or the “why not?” principle instead of genuinely sitting down with each other to decide why/why not the two of you should live together. Couples who have been dating for a relatively short amount of time (less than 1 year) and are considering moving in together, I would question their intentions. On the other hand, couples who have been dating for 3+ years could probably make a strong case. It truly is a judgement call.
It’s a much bigger decision than what appears on the outside and I strongly suggest couples really take time to analyze the situation before jumping the gun.
In the meantime, check out an opinion piece that appeared in the New York Times in April exploring this exact topic!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Am I Really Ready,
To live together or not to live together? I struggled with this for some time.
As a working adult who is in charge of her own life and the decisions I make my initial thought was why not? I love him, I plan to marry him, we have a great time together, and not to mention I could save a good chunk of change on the rent.
Although all those things are true I decided I am simply just not ready. Period. Mr. J and I have been dating for 4 plus years and we know each other very well, but on the other hand we are still young and I felt it would be best for us to really experience what life is like as adults, living on our own. Not to mention I had a miniature spiritual battle as well ( but that’s another story).
If you plan to marry the person you move in with, that’s it. There is no “well it’s been great living with you, but I think I want my own space now. And yes, of course we will continue to date and everything will be fine and dandy”
Honestly moving in with someone you plan to marry is almost as big of a commitment as marrying them. You take a step past tying yourself to that person emotionally. You really have to be ready. It is a personal decision, a mutual decision, but most importantly it is a BIG decision so really think before you act.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
What do you think are the secrets to a relationship filled with excitement and longevity?
A: Dear Secrets to a Happy Relationship:
The “secrets” to developing a relationship built to last a lifetime is no secret at all – surprise!
Couples who continually find new ways to redefine their relationship, laugh together, sacrifice (time, energy, money, etc.), communicate effectively and love unconditionally will typically find themselves in relationships that span many years rather than the American standard – a few months (I actually have no idea what the average length of relationship is for young people in America, but with the social media and friends dictating WAY too much of what we do/say/believe, I’m comfortable with my estimation).
On the surface, the examples stated above seem relatively straightforward and easy. But as you already know (at least I hope), hard work, dedication and effort are at the heart of a relationship that is built to last! As the old cliché goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
Simply put – it takes time.
Couples have to be willing to work hard, yet enjoy the work that is being accomplished. Will the work always be fun? No. Will you always get your way? No. Will there be a time when you want to scream at the top of your lungs and hurl an object in their direction? Absolutely.
Love is a continual growing process. If you both understand that there is always room to grow, you will find yourself answering this question instead of asking it!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Secret Smecret,
I really don’t think there is any “secret”, but there are some major factors that contribute to a long and exciting relationship.
First and foremost you must be compatible with your mate. Sounds simple, but a lot of people end up dating people they are not compatible with. It’s not about similar interest, it is about balance. When making the decision to spend a huge chunk of time with someone you want it to be with a person who just fits. Don’t force yourself to be with someone because on paper they are exactly what you want and what you think you need. I am well aware everyone has a “type”, but sometimes having a type hinders you. Choose the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.
The second factors are communication and compromise! You have to let your significant other in on what you are thinking and what you need and while doing so you have to be willing to listen to their wants and needs. Compromise should always be healthy and it should balance out one way or the other. One person should not be sacrificing everything all the time, while another person sacrifices one little thing every once in a while. It can’t work and it won’t work. Someone will eventually break. Both communication and compromise are a 2 way street. You both have to work hard or you will fail hard.
Third, I would say the key is sharing. I’m not talking about sharing a bite of your food or sharing the last piece of your favorite cake. I am talking about sharing life goals, dreams, secrets, laughs, childhood stories,flaws, forbidden desires, quirks, awkward moments and memories. You have to be willing to share your entire life beyond the physical. I believe this is where the magic of a spiritual and emotional bond happens. This is also the point in which a person gets to decide if they really want to stick around, and if they do, they truly love you for you.
Other than that…HAVE FUN!!! Your partner in crime should be your best friend. The person who just gets you, but when they don’t, you can talk about it. Before you know it you will have shared everything and gained two times of what you had in the beginning.
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
