Posted on

Can I Trust Her?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can I trust a partner who stepped out on me in an unofficial relationship and lied about it , when now we are together but she’s going back to same area for 7 months where she cheated/stepped out in the first place?

A: Dear Still Steppin’,

Stepped out in an unofficial relationship? Sounds like a slight oxymoron. I’m not trying to sound crass, but if the relationship was unofficial, what rules are expected to be followed?

Recently, Miss J and I have been hearing about more and more people bypassing “titles” in their relationships and operating in a “let’s just see how this goes” type fashion. I’m all for people composing the music to their own relationship, yet there comes a climax point when one of the parties is looking to move from a temp to a full-time employee. How much we may dislike it, there is a reason why structure, organization, and rules exist.

As for trusting a partner who continually revisits the place where she got caught up at…I’d scratch my head a few times. Does she have to visit this place on a continual basis (i.e home, school, work) or is this somewhere she goes just because? As we suggest in all of our writings, if her actions are truly bothering you and causing you to lose trust within the relationship, you must communicate those feelings. If she isn’t interested in having a conversation, your suspicions may be confirmed.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear It’s All About Trust,

I don’t know, can you? What does your gut say?

You said you were in an unofficial relationship, so technically she did not cheat. If anyone hates to say that, I do, but facts are facts. There’s no such thing as kind of committed. You either are or you aren’t.

Also, where did she “cheat”? If it’s a location she can’t help but frequent (i.e. work, parent’s neighborhood, school ect…) then you have to let bygones be bygones. If it’s somewhere she can help going (i.e. the club, local bar, random dudes house ect…) then you need to have a serious conversation.

A healthy relationship cannot exist without trust. If you are not willing to trust your partner, you should reconsider being in a relationship with them.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

Posted on

Hangin’ up the Player Ways

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you change your player ways and commit to someone not physically present?

A: Dear Changing your ways,

Short answer: self-control.
Long answer: self-control.

Hanging up the player ways isn’t easy. It requires you to be honest with yourself, acknowledging your shortcomings, then committing to self-control and discipline. Temptation lurks at every corner waiting for us to slip up and it’s easy to fall victim if you are not disciplined enough to reject it.

I’ve heard people say, “When you find the right one, it’ll be easy.”, but I don’t fully agree. It will undoubtedly motivate you to get your act together, but it still requires an intrinsic motivation to change. People only change if they want to change!

If you require physical interaction (hugging, kissing, sex, etc.) from your partner and the current circumstances aren’t allowing for that interaction, I find it very, very difficult to fully commit to someone without succumbing to your old ways. It’s not impossible, but it sure in the hell ain’t easy! Why set yourself up for failure and risk hurt or losing a good person? Remain uncommitted and trust everything will work out the way it’s designed!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Don’t wanna be a player no mo’, 

Tough question, easy answer. You just do. Make the decision to change and stick to it. Being a player takes a lot of coordination and effort (more for some and less for others). If you really WANT to change whether or not the person is in front of you is irrelevant. Is it  convenient? No. Will there be challenges? Absolutely. Whether or not someone is physically there should not make a difference as far as commitment goes. Commitment has nothing to do with who is involved and has everything to do with you. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOEOn3fng9U]

Have a question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below:’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

The Truth About Guy Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping you guys could give a little advice about space in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are 22 and have been together a little over a year. We love each other very much and have already decided we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together.

I understand it’s healthy for there to be some space in a relationship and my boyfriend has said he would like some more space, some more “me” time and time with his friends. 

I’m having a little bit of a hard time giving it to him and I’m not sure why, or how to let go a little and give him what he wants. I’m also not completely comfortable with the ways that he wants to spend his “me” time (clubs with his very single friends, bars, parties and beer pong until 3 a.m., etc)

I trust him (he hasn’t given me reason not to, I love him), I’m just not comfortable with the situations he chooses to put himself in I guess. Help? Please! 

A: Dear I Trust my Man, but…,

Attention Ladies: Any time a man asks for more space or more “me” time, it typically means he is unhappy with the current status of the relationship and is likely talking with his boys about how irritated he has been, yet isn’t going to end it despite all reckless attempts to convince his friends he is “ready to be single”.

Why am I so sure of this? Well, I was making the same request a few years back in my relationship with Miss J. Though men have the ability to talk with the best of ‘em, we aren’t great communicators – especially when it comes to our relationship and feelings. It’s fair to say we are immature when it comes to expressing what’s on our mind. We would much rather refer to the go to “I just need some me time” instead of sitting our lady down and being upfront on how we feel. Grant it, I’m not sure many ladies want to hear what a man is really feeling…I’ll stop right there. But seriously, let’s not front!

You have convinced yourself that you “trust” him, but it’s clear that you are unhappy with the situation. In the perfect world, he would sit you down and explain to you how he is feeling, but as I explained earlier, it’s not going to happen. Therefore, it’s going to fall on you (unfair – I completely understand) to have an open conversation discussing why he feels he needs “more space” and how you feel in regards to his requests. Just be sure to NOT get upset when he starts expressing himself – I guarantee it will cause 100x more issues! Oh, one more thing – be prepared to have at least 5 more conversations pertaining to this same point. It’s not going to change overnight, but it’s important to frequently discuss it because if not, your relationship could take a sharp turn right, quickly!

I’m sure I violated “man-code” by writing this response, but I’m only speaking from experience. Fellas – our ladies aren’t stupid! When we are feeling a certain kind of way, let’s try talking instead of running. It will save you plenty of headaches and nagging conversations!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Space for What? 

 “Space” is such a vague word. The first thing that came to my mind was what does he need space for and what kind of space? Is it physical space, emotional space, space away from you in general, or “guy time” space? Your first order of business is to answer those questions and act accordingly.

 If he is serious and committed to your relationship, I am sure he can avoid frequenting places that involve drunk men and women with impaired judgement.

 It is wonderful you trust your man, as you should considering he has not given you a reason not to. However, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. He needs to respect the fact you are not okay with how he is spending his “me” time and you need to respect the fact he has to have an outlet outside of the relationship.

 Let me clarify, he is entitled to spend his “me” time however he chooses, but what he does on your time and his, should always be in the best interest of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation about it. If he respects you, he will accept your feelings as valid and scale back. This does not mean going out with the guys to the bar/club is completely off limits, it just means it does not have to be as often.  Now if he is resistant and wants to continue to go out no matter what the cost, that my friend is what I call a warning sign. It’s a last attempt to not commit. He can be in a relationship, but as long as he gets to walk like a single man and talk like a single man, he gets to feel like a single man…even if it’s only for a couple hours on the weekend. It doesn’t mean he is cheating, or even thinking about it. It just means there is something there preventing him from being ready to commit 100%.  Twenty-two is a tough age to be in a serious relationship when all of your other friends are single and seemingly having the time of their lives. Trust me, I know. 

 I have a feeling the reason you are having a hard time letting him go is because you know he is struggling a little bit. As women, we KNOW our men. Be honest with yourself and encourage him to be honest with you. 

 If that is not the case….

 Mr. J still needs a good, clean, fun guys night from time to time. Sometimes they go out, others they stay in and shoot the breeze or they will even play a sport. Either way I have to understand there are some nights when he needs to have a quick break from estrogen and enjoy some good ‘ole testosterone. It is important to give your man this time. It’s nothing against you, sometimes guys just need guy time. Support that and maybe even have a girls night while you are at it! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

Have a question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

*By submitting your question to the Love Jays you grant them the right to publish your question and the answer  in all media.

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

How Quickly Do Men Think of the “Future”

Happy August Family!

Can you believe we are already starting the 8th month of 2012? I still remember bringing in the New Year with the lovely Miss J, my brother and a few of his friends down in Pasadena, CA like it was yesterday! Not to mention the atrocious beard I was rockin’ – I’m sure it would have made James Harden cringe. Yes, it was that bad. Guess that is what happens when you take “No Shave November” too far. Don’t’ worry, I have learned my lesson.

Last week, the Love Jays received a question that only warranted a man’s opinion. Here is the question:

“Patience. I have to setup the question(s). Most women, some will deny this, will meet a guy and in their minds immediately jump to the future or to some label (i.e. boyfriend, husband, baby daddy). “The future” can be multiple scenarios. But women decide if this person is worth their time. Imaginary long-term possibilities are explored within minutes of the initial encounter. Do men do the same? If not, at what point do men label or explore/decide on the future potential of women? What makes THAT woman stand out in the millions you meet.”

Side bar: For all the women reading this post who play out similar scenarios, bless your little heart. I send my sincerest regards to your emotions and brain for having to deal with such calculations.

Let’s sum this answer up quickly – absolutely not. Upon meeting a woman, the first and typically only thing men are thinking about is satisfying the physical desire that is burning in both of our heads. Pun intended. Moving on. I wish I could sit here and defend the stereotypes hurled against men for caring too much about the physical, but the harsh reality is that most men aren’t thinking anything about “the next steps” until many days, weeks or even months down the line.

Men are physical creatures. We are naturally aroused when we see an attractive women. It’s in our genetics. We don’t control it. As a result, the animalistic nature inside of us takes over and we quickly decipher if we should attempt to swing for the fences or stay in the dugout and cheer from a distance. Now of course, not all men think or act this way. There are some gentleman left in this world who suppress their natural urges and rationally sift through their mental checklist to decide if you are “future material” relatively quickly.

Some advice going forward – embrace the mindset that all men are only concerned about satisfying themselves. Call our bluff. Force us to play a different hand. We love to be challenged and love when a woman offers something different. A confident, strong and intelligent woman will have a man running in circles trying to make you his future!

You want a man to think about the future quicker? Change the game! The ball is in your court. We are the greatest puppets in the world!

What has been your experience LoveJays fam? How do you get men to think about the future quicker? Fellas, agree or disagree? Let’s discuss it!

Peace and Blessings,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012