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The Dating Game

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Q: Dear Love Jays,

So I really just need to start dating and meeting new people. I’ve been going out and exchanging numbers BUT I don’t know what to do next. How soon is too soon to text them? or should I not at all? what do you say? cause I hate those text that go nowhere like “what’s up” blahhh idk…any advice?

A: Dear Meaningless Text Conversations,

Meeting new people always proves to be interesting. We typically plan on looking our best when going out to places where a potential prospect could be awaiting, but we really never know when we may meet someone who strikes our eye. The spontaneity of engaging with someone random seems to remove the awkwardness and allow both people to just be themselves – no facades or planned out strategies. I’m an avid people lover who is notorious for talking to anyone willing to entertain my foolishness; surprisingly, most of the engagements are fun and have resulted in great friendships.

My point? Stop trying to plan ways of meeting and dating new people. Focus your energy into discovering new things about yourself – interests, hobbies, movies, books, food, etc. It’s very easy to ignore ourselves en route to seeking companionship. As we learn more about ourselves, our confidence, happiness and personal well-being elevate and others will notice. Next thing you know…BOOM! People are coming out the woowork trying to learn more about you. Good things always come when we least expect it, so pump your brakes and ride slow.

In regards to your actual question, dial the number and have a verbal conversation! Texting should be reserved for it’s intended purpose – short messaging service (SMS). If you truly want to get to know someone, emoticons and abbreviated language isn’t the best way. Using a phone in 2012 to talk is a foreign concept, but I feel a revolution coming…at least I hope. Cheers!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 A: Dear Any Advice,

Congrats on making the decision to get out there and meet new people. You are one step closer to making things happen.

The dating game is tricky and I am in no way an expert. You sound like you want to skip the small talk and go straight for the dating; in a nutshell, you mean business. The only problem with that equation is that it takes two to tango. What type of places are you going? Are you giving your number out at the club or at the local coffee shop?

Chances are if you are giving your number out at a place where you can’t really talk to a person than you are going to get lame text messages with an unbearable amount of small talk. At a setting like “da club” you may not find a “deep” connection. You will get a lot of surface level interaction while there and that surface level of “getting to know you” will continue afterwards. Most people in that type of social setting are looking for more of a short-term good time than they are love….typically.

With that said, if you are going to a poetry night or even a game of some sort your chances of making a deeper connection are better. Not only are you meeting people with similar interest that you will have something other than “what’s up” to say to them, but you will more than likely have a conversation to pick up from.

As far as the ‘how long do you wait’ question… I have no idea! If you are a woman I would say a man will probably contact you if he is really interested and if you are a man I would say don’t wait longer than 2 days. Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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The Truth About Guy Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping you guys could give a little advice about space in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are 22 and have been together a little over a year. We love each other very much and have already decided we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together.

I understand it’s healthy for there to be some space in a relationship and my boyfriend has said he would like some more space, some more “me” time and time with his friends. 

I’m having a little bit of a hard time giving it to him and I’m not sure why, or how to let go a little and give him what he wants. I’m also not completely comfortable with the ways that he wants to spend his “me” time (clubs with his very single friends, bars, parties and beer pong until 3 a.m., etc)

I trust him (he hasn’t given me reason not to, I love him), I’m just not comfortable with the situations he chooses to put himself in I guess. Help? Please! 

A: Dear I Trust my Man, but…,

Attention Ladies: Any time a man asks for more space or more “me” time, it typically means he is unhappy with the current status of the relationship and is likely talking with his boys about how irritated he has been, yet isn’t going to end it despite all reckless attempts to convince his friends he is “ready to be single”.

Why am I so sure of this? Well, I was making the same request a few years back in my relationship with Miss J. Though men have the ability to talk with the best of ‘em, we aren’t great communicators – especially when it comes to our relationship and feelings. It’s fair to say we are immature when it comes to expressing what’s on our mind. We would much rather refer to the go to “I just need some me time” instead of sitting our lady down and being upfront on how we feel. Grant it, I’m not sure many ladies want to hear what a man is really feeling…I’ll stop right there. But seriously, let’s not front!

You have convinced yourself that you “trust” him, but it’s clear that you are unhappy with the situation. In the perfect world, he would sit you down and explain to you how he is feeling, but as I explained earlier, it’s not going to happen. Therefore, it’s going to fall on you (unfair – I completely understand) to have an open conversation discussing why he feels he needs “more space” and how you feel in regards to his requests. Just be sure to NOT get upset when he starts expressing himself – I guarantee it will cause 100x more issues! Oh, one more thing – be prepared to have at least 5 more conversations pertaining to this same point. It’s not going to change overnight, but it’s important to frequently discuss it because if not, your relationship could take a sharp turn right, quickly!

I’m sure I violated “man-code” by writing this response, but I’m only speaking from experience. Fellas – our ladies aren’t stupid! When we are feeling a certain kind of way, let’s try talking instead of running. It will save you plenty of headaches and nagging conversations!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Space for What? 

 “Space” is such a vague word. The first thing that came to my mind was what does he need space for and what kind of space? Is it physical space, emotional space, space away from you in general, or “guy time” space? Your first order of business is to answer those questions and act accordingly.

 If he is serious and committed to your relationship, I am sure he can avoid frequenting places that involve drunk men and women with impaired judgement.

 It is wonderful you trust your man, as you should considering he has not given you a reason not to. However, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. He needs to respect the fact you are not okay with how he is spending his “me” time and you need to respect the fact he has to have an outlet outside of the relationship.

 Let me clarify, he is entitled to spend his “me” time however he chooses, but what he does on your time and his, should always be in the best interest of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation about it. If he respects you, he will accept your feelings as valid and scale back. This does not mean going out with the guys to the bar/club is completely off limits, it just means it does not have to be as often.  Now if he is resistant and wants to continue to go out no matter what the cost, that my friend is what I call a warning sign. It’s a last attempt to not commit. He can be in a relationship, but as long as he gets to walk like a single man and talk like a single man, he gets to feel like a single man…even if it’s only for a couple hours on the weekend. It doesn’t mean he is cheating, or even thinking about it. It just means there is something there preventing him from being ready to commit 100%.  Twenty-two is a tough age to be in a serious relationship when all of your other friends are single and seemingly having the time of their lives. Trust me, I know. 

 I have a feeling the reason you are having a hard time letting him go is because you know he is struggling a little bit. As women, we KNOW our men. Be honest with yourself and encourage him to be honest with you. 

 If that is not the case….

 Mr. J still needs a good, clean, fun guys night from time to time. Sometimes they go out, others they stay in and shoot the breeze or they will even play a sport. Either way I have to understand there are some nights when he needs to have a quick break from estrogen and enjoy some good ‘ole testosterone. It is important to give your man this time. It’s nothing against you, sometimes guys just need guy time. Support that and maybe even have a girls night while you are at it! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

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