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Military Mess Up

Q: Dear Love Jays,

So my wife and I are both in military and she is currently deployed at this time. So with her being gone, I send her things that she needs or wants that she can’t get overseas. Well about two weeks ago, I sent my wife a hard drive that I used when I was deployed to watch movies to help pass the time. Well on this hard drive that I sent her, it had pictures of an ex-girlfriend on it that I didn’t know where on there still because I hadn’t used it in a really long time.

My wife was pretty upset that I still had the pictures after us being together over a year. I can understand why she is upset; I can’t say that I wouldn’t have had the same feelings she did. But now she says she doesn’t trust me and things have been rocky for the past week. How do I go about rebuilding this trust that we have lost? I no longer talk to the ex that was on the hard drive but my wife is still hurt and angry. I am just lost on what to do because I love my wife and I tried to tell her that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t. It’s not like we can just sit and talk because of her being gone. She has all the power of when we talk so if she doesn’t want to I can’t just walk up to her and try because she is gone. What would you do?

A: Dear Military Melodrama,

Yeah…that sucks. Not going to lie, it’s just one of those unfortunate situations. I believe it was an honest mistake on your part, it means nothing and you were actually just being a thoughtful husband; however everyone knows where there is distance between a couple there are heightened emotions.  I do not know your history, but I will give you advice based on the assumption you have had a healthy relationship.

Put yourself in her shoes. Here she is away from her husband on deployment and he was sweet enough to send her a package. Awww. She opens the hard drive ready to watch some flicks and *gasp* what’s this? His ex!!!

Rational reaction: First check and see if there are any indicators of where the pictures were taken and if there are clues as to when they were taken and then facebook stalk to see if there is any other info to make a solid case. Call and see what the man I married has to say.

Irrational reaction: That lying, cheating  #$%#$@^*&(… I knew it was too good to be true. Call my husband and give him a piece of my mind!

*After hearing her husband’s explanation*

Rational reaction: Okay that makes sense, honest mistake. I trust the man I married.  Moving on.

Irrational reaction: I caught you! I can no longer trust you.

Does that sound about right? You mentioned you cannot speak with her without her calling you. That’s ok, she needs to cool off. Whether she is acting rationally or irrationally you are her husband and your job is to respect how she feels and do what you can to make her feel better , all while maintaining your innocence.  I am guessing you can still either write a letter or email, right? Email is the preferred method seeing as it will get to her way before a letter would.  Tell her you are sorry she had to see pictures of your ex, but they are of no significance to you. Tell her you understand why she is upset and you are will to be patient enough to allow her to work through the emotions she is experiencing. Let her know you love her and you will be there whenever she is ready to talk. Under no circumstances should you get defensive nor should you admit to any wrong doing. You are not guilty, but the fact remains seeing those pictures hurt her. You don’t need to actively work to regain her trust in this situation, just be respectful and patient and she will come around in her own time.

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Hard Drive Cleanup,

A small and harmless mistake has led to much bigger problem – Welcome to the world of women! It is extremely unfortunate that the hard drive you sent her happened to have pictures of your ex-girlfriend, but I don’t believe she is warranted to lose trust in you. No person in their right mind would consciously send something to their significant other knowing it had some information that would raise a few eyebrows. I honestly believe you had no idea the pictures were on there and that you were just trying to be a good man by helping your wife overseas – and she should too!

She is entitled to ask questions pertaining to the pictures, but to blow the situation up and exclaim she cannot trust you is a bit extreme. For crying out loud – they are pictures! Now, if the pictures are a little racy…you will probably have a lot more explaining to do. I still have pictures with my ex-girlfriends on my computer and I have zero intentions of deleting them because the pictures signify memories. Period.

I would encourage you to stand your ground and explain to your wife that the pictures truly have no significance in the functioning of your relationship. Emotions run high on women, especially when there is distance between them and the person they love, so I’m sure she is reacting on a string of emotions. If the two of you weren’t thousands of miles away from each other, I firmly believe this question wouldn’t have been submitted. At the end of the day, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not the biggest proponent for unwarranted apologies, but if it’s getting worse than it is better, bite the bullet and apologize.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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The Truth About Guy Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping you guys could give a little advice about space in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are 22 and have been together a little over a year. We love each other very much and have already decided we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together.

I understand it’s healthy for there to be some space in a relationship and my boyfriend has said he would like some more space, some more “me” time and time with his friends. 

I’m having a little bit of a hard time giving it to him and I’m not sure why, or how to let go a little and give him what he wants. I’m also not completely comfortable with the ways that he wants to spend his “me” time (clubs with his very single friends, bars, parties and beer pong until 3 a.m., etc)

I trust him (he hasn’t given me reason not to, I love him), I’m just not comfortable with the situations he chooses to put himself in I guess. Help? Please! 

A: Dear I Trust my Man, but…,

Attention Ladies: Any time a man asks for more space or more “me” time, it typically means he is unhappy with the current status of the relationship and is likely talking with his boys about how irritated he has been, yet isn’t going to end it despite all reckless attempts to convince his friends he is “ready to be single”.

Why am I so sure of this? Well, I was making the same request a few years back in my relationship with Miss J. Though men have the ability to talk with the best of ‘em, we aren’t great communicators – especially when it comes to our relationship and feelings. It’s fair to say we are immature when it comes to expressing what’s on our mind. We would much rather refer to the go to “I just need some me time” instead of sitting our lady down and being upfront on how we feel. Grant it, I’m not sure many ladies want to hear what a man is really feeling…I’ll stop right there. But seriously, let’s not front!

You have convinced yourself that you “trust” him, but it’s clear that you are unhappy with the situation. In the perfect world, he would sit you down and explain to you how he is feeling, but as I explained earlier, it’s not going to happen. Therefore, it’s going to fall on you (unfair – I completely understand) to have an open conversation discussing why he feels he needs “more space” and how you feel in regards to his requests. Just be sure to NOT get upset when he starts expressing himself – I guarantee it will cause 100x more issues! Oh, one more thing – be prepared to have at least 5 more conversations pertaining to this same point. It’s not going to change overnight, but it’s important to frequently discuss it because if not, your relationship could take a sharp turn right, quickly!

I’m sure I violated “man-code” by writing this response, but I’m only speaking from experience. Fellas – our ladies aren’t stupid! When we are feeling a certain kind of way, let’s try talking instead of running. It will save you plenty of headaches and nagging conversations!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Space for What? 

 “Space” is such a vague word. The first thing that came to my mind was what does he need space for and what kind of space? Is it physical space, emotional space, space away from you in general, or “guy time” space? Your first order of business is to answer those questions and act accordingly.

 If he is serious and committed to your relationship, I am sure he can avoid frequenting places that involve drunk men and women with impaired judgement.

 It is wonderful you trust your man, as you should considering he has not given you a reason not to. However, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. He needs to respect the fact you are not okay with how he is spending his “me” time and you need to respect the fact he has to have an outlet outside of the relationship.

 Let me clarify, he is entitled to spend his “me” time however he chooses, but what he does on your time and his, should always be in the best interest of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation about it. If he respects you, he will accept your feelings as valid and scale back. This does not mean going out with the guys to the bar/club is completely off limits, it just means it does not have to be as often.  Now if he is resistant and wants to continue to go out no matter what the cost, that my friend is what I call a warning sign. It’s a last attempt to not commit. He can be in a relationship, but as long as he gets to walk like a single man and talk like a single man, he gets to feel like a single man…even if it’s only for a couple hours on the weekend. It doesn’t mean he is cheating, or even thinking about it. It just means there is something there preventing him from being ready to commit 100%.  Twenty-two is a tough age to be in a serious relationship when all of your other friends are single and seemingly having the time of their lives. Trust me, I know. 

 I have a feeling the reason you are having a hard time letting him go is because you know he is struggling a little bit. As women, we KNOW our men. Be honest with yourself and encourage him to be honest with you. 

 If that is not the case….

 Mr. J still needs a good, clean, fun guys night from time to time. Sometimes they go out, others they stay in and shoot the breeze or they will even play a sport. Either way I have to understand there are some nights when he needs to have a quick break from estrogen and enjoy some good ‘ole testosterone. It is important to give your man this time. It’s nothing against you, sometimes guys just need guy time. Support that and maybe even have a girls night while you are at it! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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Why and How?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?

A: Dear Loaded Question,

When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.

Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Long Term, 

I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.

There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?

The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.

Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Miss J

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Real Life Twilight Love Triangle

Disclaimer: This is not all about Twilight, pinky promise!

This one is for the women….

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! News broke this morning that Miss Kristen Stewart (Bella) has cheated on Mr. Robert Pattinson (Edward) with Mr. Rupert Sanders (Director of Snow White and the Huntsman). Sorry Twi-hards, I guess the honeymoon is over. But wait, there’s more! Not only did Kristen cheat on Rob, she cheated on him with a married man.  Rupert, 41 and married with 2 young children met  22 year old Kristen Stewart while on set of Snow White and the Huntsman. Recently the two were caught cupcaking on camera. *cue incriminated pictures* Oops.

Though Rob and Kristen have always played coy to the public eye it is no secret that Rob is/was completely and totally in love with her. This made me wonder, why would a 22 year old successful woman in a (from what we can see) healthy relationship feel the need to fool around with a married man? What am I missing…

Judge as we may, Kristen is not the only one to fall into the arms of an already claimed man. It doesn’t make you an evil person (just an evil doer for a period of time ). I have heard various reasons as to why men step out of their marriage, each excuse more pathetic than the last; but I am curious as to why a woman with all the options in the world would opt for the man that is already spoken for.

What purpose does it really serve? I don’t want the answer that women say just because they don’t want to be judged, I want the REAL reason. Is it the thrill, is it the fact he is capable of commitment (only if and when he leaves his wife for you of course), is it the fact that there are no real strings attached, is it boredom, is it the possibility of winning a man from another woman? What is it?!? Don’t be shy, Chime in!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012