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#HurtBae

#hurtbae

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Justin and Joy discuss their opposing views on the #HurtBae viral video.

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  • The first 3-day weekend pissing people off.
  • Side Hustle Generation.
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  • Justin’s STRUGGLE learning the piano.
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Fool Me Once

Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years. Unfortunately, I have experienced some heartbreak in the relationship as a result of some mistakes that he’s made. I’m with him, I forgave him. However, I’m having a little bit of a hard time with something else. Even though I forgave him I’m struggling with moving on from it. I’m in that place where my thought process is along the lines of “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”. I don’t want there to be a twice. I trust him, but I would also feel ridiculously stupid if it happened again. I guess my heart is on the fence with wanting to give over my trust (because I can) and then feeling like an idiot for giving it over the first time. Any advice for how to overcome that fear?

Dear Trust Dilemma,

Jumping right in.

What does your gut say? Does your gut say to give this man another chance. What has changed? Did he really learn from his mistake or is he an unchanged man? Sometimes people say they are sorry and beg for you to forgive them because they can’t stand the thought of a person they love being mad at them. They have no plans of fixing the real issue, just the issue that is affecting them in that very moment. In truth, you really should always forgive because people make mistakes but the rest has to be earned.

Let’s use cheating for example. Cheating takes time, there is no “I accidentally had sex with this person.” The real answer should be “I had sex with this person because I was not feeling attractive, and I liked that this person made me feel desired.” Of course no one wants to tell their partner that, but you get the picture. Well if the person who cheated is using the first excuse, the real problem will never be addressed and it will continue to be a problem. Trust has to start with the person who made the mistake. They have to trust their partner enough to tell them the truth and identify the reason why the mistake really occurred. All cards need to be out on the table and nothing should be hidden. Trust cannot be built on a foundation of lies and secrets.  It is then up to the unoffending significant other to decide whether or not to trust the person and even then, it’s going to take a while to rebuild that trust into something they can both be proud of.

The ball is in your court. Are all of the cards on the table? Can you really get over his mistakes? Do you trust that it won’t happen again? If the answer is “Yes, I trust him.” then you should have some evidence to support that decision. He’s more engaged, he’s made a real effort, he has been completely honest, he has been patient with my recovery, he is working on himself. Him bringing you flowers or saying sorry, but not really backing it up are merely a formality and a result of guilt. Just remember YOUR .TRUST. HAS. TO.BE. EARNED. If he has really earned it, trust yourself enough to let go of the fear and make the decision you feel is right.

Good Luck.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Don’t Fool Me Twice,

Every relationship experiences up and downs. There will be good days, some really good days, great days, average days, and of course — bad days. Despite how “together” a couple may appear on the surface, what truly defines the success of a relationship is how both parties respond when their backs are against the ropes.

You admitted your significant other has made mistakes in the past. These mistakes are now responsible for a shift in your relationship. Completely understandable. However, a relationship cannot go the distance when one of the parties has one foot in, one foot out. When his mistakes came to light, you had a choice: leave or work through the struggle. It may be difficult to pick the best option when our heart and emotions take over, but regardless if love or logic kept you from leaving, you committed to your relationship for some reason. What was that reason? Is the reason valid? Is the battle of forgiveness worth the reason?

You are struggling with moving past his mistakes because you haven’t come in agreement with yourself. Your heart may be saying one thing, but your friends and family may say another. Fortunately, the only person who knows the answer is you. Spend some time identifying the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. Decide if this relationship has the blueprint for a successful future. Diagnose the acceptable and unacceptable. Recognize your value. And most importantly: has he given you reason(s) to trust him again? The answer will become very clear when you take the appropriate steps towards solving the problem.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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How Men Become Dogs

How Men Become Dogs

Happy Tuesday Love Fans!

We have something special for you today. 🙂

Many woman wonder why men are such dogs; the new YouTube series, “How Men Become Dogs”, addresses that very question. We are so excited to announce they will be our guest on this week’s Love Jays Radio Show on TradioV. Take a look at the video and feel free to call and join in the conversation on Saturday morning @ 11am PST!

Love,

J&J

How Men Become Dogs: Episode 1

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEuuQ6t-UEk]

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The “Shouldn’t I Be Able To Go Through His Phone” Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

If you are with a guy and you ask him to see his phone should that be a problem?

A: Dear Phone Spy,

Oh how much we love/hate our phones. It’s virtually impossible (more like inconvenient) not having our phones around us the majority of the time. Whether it’s a text message, Twitter or Facebook alert, Instagram likes, emails, missed calls – you name it, our phones are always buzzing. While it’s great to be connected and all, phones have definitely been the source of many, many relationship issues and breakups. The avenues for talking to people are practically endless and getting caught up is relatively easy.

Growing up, my father always told me, “Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to because I’m subject to tell you the truth!” I’m sure every woman, including Miss J, would disagree with this statement. But if you really analyze his point, it’s valid. This statement is not carte blanche for people to just act up and disrespect the person they are dating, good try though. It simply means, if you are looking for trouble, you may find trouble. And if you do find something you don’t like, well…that’s on you.

At any given point, a woman will likely find something in her man’s phone that she does not like, approve of, or agree with. Let’s just face the facts. Men are men, women are women. Is it right or respectful of him to engage in conversation with another woman, it’s up to you to decide based on your own merits. If you are dating a jealous or insecure person, it would probably be wise to act accordingly. Miss J doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body, but I’m not going around talking, texting or tweeting every woman in my phone. It’s respect. Every relationship has their own definition of respect, so if that conversation hasn’t happened, time to get on the good foot!

Is it a problem asking your guy to hand over his phone? No. But rest assured, if you find out some information that doesn’t sit well with you, I’ll just say, I told you so.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Just a Peek,

People tend to guard their cell phones like it is a diary. In a sense, cell phones are an additional fingerprint. They are tailored to the needs of a specific individual. They also hold information the owner uses on a somewhat regular basis. Some things are personal, others not so personal.

Going through someone’s phone, like it or not, is an invasion of personal space. I have looked at Mr. J’s phone in the past, not because I was looking for anything, I was just plain curious.

*Cue all the men in the world saying, “Yeah, right!”*

It’s true! To be honest, I saw some things I did not like. Had I been looking for dirt in the first place, what I found would have just added fuel to the fire. But because I went in just for the sake of being nosey, I ended up pissed I looked in the first place. It’s not like I can yell at him for what I found. I could have, but we would both be in the wrong. No one will ever win that battle. It’s like reading someone’s diary and going off on them about what they wrote.

 You will ALWAYS find something to be mad about when looking through a man’s phone…ALWAYS. In an ideal world, your man would only be texting his family members and a few girlfriend approved friends talking about how much he loves you and how special you are to him. In reality, what you will really find is a bunch of texts about sports, life topics that have nothing to do with you, and some girl’s boobs he saw while standing in line at the grocery store.

It is up to the individual whether or not they want to let you look in their phone. Now if you are asking to use his phone to make a phone call and he is all up in arms, then I would say he most likely has something to hide. But if you ask to see his phone just to see if he is up to anything, then I would say you don’t trust him and certainly know why. When a woman knows, she knows. Leave the phone out of it.

If you want to just be nosey, by all means, go for it. If you find something you don’t like, have fun keeping it to yourself!

Good Luck!

Love,

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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In your Dreams

 Q: Dear Love Jays,

What does it mean to dream about your girlfriend cheating on you? So for at least a year, maybe more, I have had terrible dreams about my girlfriend cheating on me. There are a few recurring similarities in my dreams. Like I always walk in on her cheating. Either I walk into my house and see them or someone tells me in my dream that they think something is going on so I go to the persons house I think she is cheating  on me with and I catch them. Also in all of my dreams somehow I am always hindered. Like usually I feel super weak. And I’ll try to hit the guy but I’m super super weak and I can’t move very fast and I feel like all the strength has left my body. Sort of like I ran just ran few miles. In my most recent dream I was unable to talk. My voice was a super faint whisper and people could barely hear me. In some dreams I get mad and I want to fight but I can’t because of one of the things I just listed. This is what I expect my actual reaction would be, to fight. But I also have ones where I break down and cry in the dreams. (which isn’t like me at all) and in these dreams I’m like the most upset I could ever be.I cry a lot and ask her how could she do this to me?  In all of my dreams my girlfriend feels absolutely no remorse and she throws it in my face. She  tells me oh well. (this also is NOTHING like my girlfriend) last but not least all of the people she is cheating on me with, we both know somehow. Usually it is her ex-boyfriends. But the last time it was her cousin (and he is one of my close friends) and It has been a few other of my friends. But these friends of mine I 100% trust with gf. So if anyone could help me out I would really appreciate it. It has been goin on for probably about a year. My girlfriend and me have been together just over 3 years.

A: Dear Dreams that make you Scream,

We decided to answer this question together.

We have both, on separate occasions, have had dreams of the other cheating and had no idea where the dreams stemmed from seeing as neither one of us had a reason to distrust the other. This being the case we decided to google it (genius we know) and this is what we found:

Cheating 
To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiance, or significant other suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, cheating dreams reflect the intensity of your sexual passion; you are exploring areas of your sexuality. In this scenario, the dream may actually serve as a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, if you are approaching your own wedding date, then it is not uncommon to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than your intended spouse. Most likely, such a dream represents the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity – that of a spouse.

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are subconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship.

To dream that your friend is being cheated on indicates your subconscious dislike for his/her significant other. You think your friend deserves to be treated better.

To dream that you are cheating at a game suggests that you are not being honest with yourself. You feel inadequate and insecure.

We are not saying this is definitely what your dreams mean, but it’s a good start if you are looking to interpret your dreams. For more dream interpretations click here.

Hope this helps! 

Love, 

J&J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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I Love Him But…

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love him. But I miss the single life. We are in a great relationship, not too many complaints at all. But I wish I had found him a couple of years from now. I got with him right after an old relationship ended, and I just haven’t had the time to breathe. I don’t want to lose him though! There are tons of girls waiting for me to mess  up and swoop him up, and I truly believe he is a great man for me. We have now been together for quite a while, and I can feel my conscience nagging at me.  I’m torn between my desire to be free and my love for him.

A: Dear Torn, 

If Mr. J and I have made anything clear it’s the fact that love never happens on your terms. You cannot choose who you love and you cannot choose when to love. 

Now that’s out the way let’s talk about you. You mentioned the fact you haven’t had time to breath since your last relationship. This in itself can have you feeling the way you do about your entire relationship. You may be  stuck between who you were in your old relationship and your role in your new relationship or you may just be trying to figure out who “YOU” are in general.  Things can get fuzzy without taking the much needed time in between to reflect and get yourself together again. I wrote an article on this very subject a few weeks back; you may not want to be single as much as you want to find out who you are, deep down you know at this point you are not able to do that and balance a relationship. 

How does the saying go? “If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours, but if they don’t they never were.”  If you really love your boyfriend you would not keep him around just because your afraid someone else will snag him. The reality of the situation is you are not able to fully commit to the relationship and that is unfair to him. You are not having a relationship issue, you are having  a personal issue.  For most personal  problems we should be able to lean on our significant other, but I am afraid this is amongst one of the few things that your partner cannot help you work through. 

I don’t want to say a breakup is inevitable, but eventually he will catch on to how you feel and who knows what will happen from there.  It is best to be honest with him while things are still good so if you do break up it will be on good terms ( as good of terms as a breakup can be on) and there is a better chance of you guys resuming things in the future. 

Good Luck!

Love, 

Miss J 

A: Dear Inconvenient Love,

Did Mr. J from three years ago submit this question? I know we post anonymously, but I’ll make a special exception for this one. I understand your frustration completely and wish I could provide you relief…it’s just not that simple.

One of the worst frustrations I have ever experienced was fighting between the feelings of the mind and of the heart. As an 18-year-old college freshman, the LAST THING on my mind was finding a girlfriend; I was dead focused on being young, dumb and horny! Obviously, the world had something different in mind because that plan went up in smoke after one semester.

Side bar: I low-key still wonder what my college experience would have been like if Miss J and I didn’t date in college…I’m sure I would have been an absolute fool with a completely different future. Oh and not to mention, the Love Jays certainly would not be in existence!

On the outside, our relationship looked picture-perfect; internally it was slowly rotting because I couldn’t make up my mind of where I wanted to be *turns on Donell Jones album*. I, like you, understood Miss J would have been in high demand, so I selfishly kept her by my side doing just enough to keep her as my girlfriend. The frustration finally hit a boiling point and we both agreed it was time to part ways. In the time we spent apart, I was truly able (for the first time) to unselfishly analyze the situation and decide what I wanted in life – love or sex. It’s obvious which decision I chose and I am fortunate Miss J was open in giving me another chance.

The point I’m trying to make here is simple – take some time apart and stop dragging him along in your confusion. If you use the time wisely, a decision will become clear relatively quick. And this whole freedom argument – it’s just another excuse. You can experience freedom while in a relationship, it just may appear a bit differently than your single friends and will require you to exercise judgement and respect.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012