Q: Dear Love Jays,
I love him. But I miss the single life. We are in a great relationship, not too many complaints at all. But I wish I had found him a couple of years from now. I got with him right after an old relationship ended, and I just haven’t had the time to breathe. I don’t want to lose him though! There are tons of girls waiting for me to mess up and swoop him up, and I truly believe he is a great man for me. We have now been together for quite a while, and I can feel my conscience nagging at me. I’m torn between my desire to be free and my love for him.
A: Dear Torn,
If Mr. J and I have made anything clear it’s the fact that love never happens on your terms. You cannot choose who you love and you cannot choose when to love.
Now that’s out the way let’s talk about you. You mentioned the fact you haven’t had time to breath since your last relationship. This in itself can have you feeling the way you do about your entire relationship. You may be stuck between who you were in your old relationship and your role in your new relationship or you may just be trying to figure out who “YOU” are in general. Things can get fuzzy without taking the much needed time in between to reflect and get yourself together again. I wrote an article on this very subject a few weeks back; you may not want to be single as much as you want to find out who you are, deep down you know at this point you are not able to do that and balance a relationship.
How does the saying go? “If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours, but if they don’t they never were.” If you really love your boyfriend you would not keep him around just because your afraid someone else will snag him. The reality of the situation is you are not able to fully commit to the relationship and that is unfair to him. You are not having a relationship issue, you are having a personal issue. For most personal problems we should be able to lean on our significant other, but I am afraid this is amongst one of the few things that your partner cannot help you work through.
I don’t want to say a breakup is inevitable, but eventually he will catch on to how you feel and who knows what will happen from there. It is best to be honest with him while things are still good so if you do break up it will be on good terms ( as good of terms as a breakup can be on) and there is a better chance of you guys resuming things in the future.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Inconvenient Love,
Did Mr. J from three years ago submit this question? I know we post anonymously, but I’ll make a special exception for this one. I understand your frustration completely and wish I could provide you relief…it’s just not that simple.
One of the worst frustrations I have ever experienced was fighting between the feelings of the mind and of the heart. As an 18-year-old college freshman, the LAST THING on my mind was finding a girlfriend; I was dead focused on being young, dumb and horny! Obviously, the world had something different in mind because that plan went up in smoke after one semester.
Side bar: I low-key still wonder what my college experience would have been like if Miss J and I didn’t date in college…I’m sure I would have been an absolute fool with a completely different future. Oh and not to mention, the Love Jays certainly would not be in existence!
On the outside, our relationship looked picture-perfect; internally it was slowly rotting because I couldn’t make up my mind of where I wanted to be *turns on Donell Jones album*. I, like you, understood Miss J would have been in high demand, so I selfishly kept her by my side doing just enough to keep her as my girlfriend. The frustration finally hit a boiling point and we both agreed it was time to part ways. In the time we spent apart, I was truly able (for the first time) to unselfishly analyze the situation and decide what I wanted in life – love or sex. It’s obvious which decision I chose and I am fortunate Miss J was open in giving me another chance.
The point I’m trying to make here is simple – take some time apart and stop dragging him along in your confusion. If you use the time wisely, a decision will become clear relatively quick. And this whole freedom argument – it’s just another excuse. You can experience freedom while in a relationship, it just may appear a bit differently than your single friends and will require you to exercise judgement and respect.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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