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Friendship Custody

custody

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Justin and Joy discuss who gets “custody” of their friends after a breakup.

Elevator Pitch

  • Recording in the summer without AC.
  • Spending the 1st week of summer sick.
  • Joy’s tonsillectomy.
  • Justin’s less than stellar nurturing skills.
  • LeBron James cementing his legacy.
  • Joy’s basketball knowledge…or lack their of.
  • Men “allowing” their women to do what they want.
  • Short hair swag.
  • Establishing friendships with your significant other’s friends.
  • Who gets the friends in a breakup?
  • And much more!

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Episode 12 Preview

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I Love Him But…

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love him. But I miss the single life. We are in a great relationship, not too many complaints at all. But I wish I had found him a couple of years from now. I got with him right after an old relationship ended, and I just haven’t had the time to breathe. I don’t want to lose him though! There are tons of girls waiting for me to mess  up and swoop him up, and I truly believe he is a great man for me. We have now been together for quite a while, and I can feel my conscience nagging at me.  I’m torn between my desire to be free and my love for him.

A: Dear Torn, 

If Mr. J and I have made anything clear it’s the fact that love never happens on your terms. You cannot choose who you love and you cannot choose when to love. 

Now that’s out the way let’s talk about you. You mentioned the fact you haven’t had time to breath since your last relationship. This in itself can have you feeling the way you do about your entire relationship. You may be  stuck between who you were in your old relationship and your role in your new relationship or you may just be trying to figure out who “YOU” are in general.  Things can get fuzzy without taking the much needed time in between to reflect and get yourself together again. I wrote an article on this very subject a few weeks back; you may not want to be single as much as you want to find out who you are, deep down you know at this point you are not able to do that and balance a relationship. 

How does the saying go? “If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours, but if they don’t they never were.”  If you really love your boyfriend you would not keep him around just because your afraid someone else will snag him. The reality of the situation is you are not able to fully commit to the relationship and that is unfair to him. You are not having a relationship issue, you are having  a personal issue.  For most personal  problems we should be able to lean on our significant other, but I am afraid this is amongst one of the few things that your partner cannot help you work through. 

I don’t want to say a breakup is inevitable, but eventually he will catch on to how you feel and who knows what will happen from there.  It is best to be honest with him while things are still good so if you do break up it will be on good terms ( as good of terms as a breakup can be on) and there is a better chance of you guys resuming things in the future. 

Good Luck!

Love, 

Miss J 

A: Dear Inconvenient Love,

Did Mr. J from three years ago submit this question? I know we post anonymously, but I’ll make a special exception for this one. I understand your frustration completely and wish I could provide you relief…it’s just not that simple.

One of the worst frustrations I have ever experienced was fighting between the feelings of the mind and of the heart. As an 18-year-old college freshman, the LAST THING on my mind was finding a girlfriend; I was dead focused on being young, dumb and horny! Obviously, the world had something different in mind because that plan went up in smoke after one semester.

Side bar: I low-key still wonder what my college experience would have been like if Miss J and I didn’t date in college…I’m sure I would have been an absolute fool with a completely different future. Oh and not to mention, the Love Jays certainly would not be in existence!

On the outside, our relationship looked picture-perfect; internally it was slowly rotting because I couldn’t make up my mind of where I wanted to be *turns on Donell Jones album*. I, like you, understood Miss J would have been in high demand, so I selfishly kept her by my side doing just enough to keep her as my girlfriend. The frustration finally hit a boiling point and we both agreed it was time to part ways. In the time we spent apart, I was truly able (for the first time) to unselfishly analyze the situation and decide what I wanted in life – love or sex. It’s obvious which decision I chose and I am fortunate Miss J was open in giving me another chance.

The point I’m trying to make here is simple – take some time apart and stop dragging him along in your confusion. If you use the time wisely, a decision will become clear relatively quick. And this whole freedom argument – it’s just another excuse. You can experience freedom while in a relationship, it just may appear a bit differently than your single friends and will require you to exercise judgement and respect.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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The Transition Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Since you guys have been together through a significant transitioning period in your life, how would you say being in a relationship affects finding yourself and the person who is right for you? Or, is it better to find yourself outside of a relationship?

A: Dear Finding Yourself,

The road to “finding yourself” is continual and gradual – a journey without destination. Everyday we are presented with new experiences, new people, new ideas and all of these play a hand in shaping our personal identities, beliefs and morals. From our genetic makeup to our daily routines, everything influences our lives. We will not wake up out of our sleep with an aha! moment exclaiming, “I found myself!!” It’s just not going to happen. As we continue to grow older and more wiser, we have a stronger grasp and acceptance on the person we are becoming, but I’m not sure if we ever really find ourselves because the act of finding alludes to “the end”; life is never-ending.

Throughout my relationship with Miss J, many people have questioned how we formed personal, separate identities without ever really having time apart. From the outside looking in, I can understand how it may seem difficult, but honestly, my relationship with Miss J has helped (far more that it has hindered) me in discovering the real Justin. When I am experiencing certain emotions or confused on what steps to take next, it is nice to have someone by your side offering a helping solution. Her advice does not directly shape my course of action, but it helps put life in perspective. We often have trouble solving problems looking through our own, biased lens, so to gain the understanding of another who truly has our best interest at heart is a blessing. Despite what these stupid rap lyrics proclaim about being “self-made”, we aren’t much of anything and have difficulty attaining understanding and success without the influences and help of others.

I truly believe the misconception of not being able to find yourself in a relationship stems from a negative view of relationships. I’ll be transparent – I use to look at my relationship with Miss J as a burden in my development. I was frustrated, angry and confused as to why I found myself in this relationship at such a young age. It wasn’t until almost a year ago (after our 2 month split) when I realized that my relationship with Miss J was not a burden at all, instead it was a beautiful partnership with a beautiful person who just wanted to love and support me. I fell victim to the ways of the world who argued I couldn’t discover who I was while dating another. Since shifting my views, I have grown exponentially in my personal life and have discovered new interests and opportunities I never imagined.

I’d encourage everyone to live life one day at a time and not worry about trying find all the answers. As humans, we don’t have the ability to understand it all, but that is the beauty of life. Continue working towards becoming the best person you can be and hold tightly to those who want the best for you. If you are in a relationship or single, the same personal development and growth can be achieved as long as we are willing to view life through a positive lens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Inquiring Mind,

Good question! (Not that there are any bad questions).

Based on my experience, I cannot confidently say you can find yourself completely while in a relationship. Finding yourself requires you to be selfish and it goes against the grain of the amount of sacrifice you need to be in a committed relationship. As Mr. J and I have stated numerous times, we broke up for 2 months. It was at the peak of our transitional phase and there was just no way to grow together when establishing our separate identities.

With that said, I am not sure there is a set amount of time everyone needs to find themselves. For some people it can be 2 years and for others it can be 2 weeks. I think it depends on exactly what you are hoping to find and what you need to discover.

In my case, I needed to discover what it meant to be a woman, what kind of woman I was, what my real hobbies and interest are and if I could be independent. Turns out being a woman means being strong, wise and knowing when to put yourself first. I am a passionate, loving, God-fearing, and smart woman. I LOVE hiking, painting, everything about love, and helping others. I am more than capable of being independent and most of all I am capable of loving myself. I discovered all these things and more in just 2 months! Now it’s funny to think I was ever without the knowledge this “me” existed.

When Mr.J came back around I discovered something else; we have the ability to build our lives together, but still maintain our separate identities. I had found everything I needed to find on my own. The rest of it I can figure out as I go. What a concept! I now know the difference between compromising for the relationship and sacrificing who you are for your relationship. If you are struggling to find that balance it is safe to say you probably need to take some time for yourself. It is also important that when you do find that balance within yourself, the next partner you have allows you to continue to grow.

 Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Distant and Stagnant

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m in a relationship with someone I met online on a community website, and we are now in a relationship, the thing is he lives in another state and we only see each other every 2 months when one of us flies to each other. It seems he has no intention whatsoever of moving to California and he doesn’t seem as committed as I am, should I bother investing anymore in this relationship? Or should I just hang on and see how it goes? So far he still seems willing to meet every 2 months and it has been 1 year, but he doesn’t seem willing do much else…

A: Dear Struggling from Distance,

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain and will test even the strongest people. A few weeks ago, I touched on this very subject and provided a key ingredient that most long distance relationships lack.

You have already invested a year into this relationship. but it seems obvious your significant other isn’t willing to make the appropriate changes you feel will make the relationship stronger. The two of you could remain on this current pattern of seeing each other every 2 months, but would this routine make you happy? I continually emphasize happiness in the majority of my writings because far too often, many people are willing to sacrifice it just to make someone else happy.

It is important to understand that relationships do require the participation of both parties, so it is only fair to discuss his opinions on the relationship and what changes could be made. I’m sure your answer will become quite clear after a few small conversations. Whatever decision you decide to follow, please don’t just “hang on” for the sake of having a boyfriend because I promise you, it will only make things worse in the future.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Every 2 Months,

Part of me wants to say “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, but the larger part of me wants to say it’s time to jump ship. You are both comfortable where you currently live and you aren’t budging. If you are okay with seeing each other in person 6 times a year, with no promise of it going any further, then stick to it. Why just ride it out when you can already see you aren’t going to end up at the right destination?  He has already proved how committed he is willing to be at this point in time. If you need more and you do not demand a change, I am pretty sure it will stay the same. Woman to woman, I say walk away. If he comes after you that’s great, but if not you will be open to finding love a little closer to home. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012