Posted on

Controlling Boyfriend

Q:Dear Love Jays, 

My boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends and he doesn’t want to let me spend time with my friends without him being there. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he pretty much made himself the victim and said that couples are supposed to do everything together. What do I do?

Dear My Boyfriend is Controlling,

Get.Out.Now!

Controlling and jealousy issues are more common than most people realize. These problems stem from a complete lack of self-esteem and lack of self-identity. He doesn’t like the person he is, so he has decided to make you just as miserable as him.

As stated so many times before, a relationship is a two-way street built on love, trust, friendship and sacrifice. It’s very clear your relationships is lacking the core values of a successful relationship, so why continue? You have to understand that YOU are the most important person in this life. YOU are strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving – the list goes on.

Any man controlling who his woman hangs out with or what she can do is the poorest excuse of a boyfriend and a man! A real man will put complete trust in his woman because he knows he is doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make his home the happiest. An unhappy woman is an unhappy relationship.

He doesn’t deserve anything further in this relationship and I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk out the door. Do it for YOU!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear My boyfriend wants me all to himself, 

Unfortunately  ( and quite frankly fortunately) this issue has nothing to do with you, therefore you cannot fix it. You tried to reason with him and he made himself the victim. Victim mentality is just another form of manipulation. Another form of manipulation is isolation, he will make it so that there is nowhere for you to go. Your friends will eventually bounce because they won’t be able to hang out with you sans him and trust me they know why he is around even if you haven’t told them.

He has to deal with this one on his own, his control is stemming from some insecurity that he has. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.

The good news is that you can see what he is doing, for that I applaud you. A lot if women find themselves in relationships similar to yours and cannot see what is wrong, they just know something is not right. You have pin pointed it, Kudos.

Relationships are about support, friendship, love, appreciation, and kindness. They are not about control, hovering, and manipulation. You may say “he is kind and loving”, but when he is also controlling and manipulative you may need to question how much of that is real. Most of all you should be happy if not all of the time, the majority of the time.

My best advice is to get out and get out now while you can see clearly. Make sure you are fully prepared when you go in for the break up though, he will either try and talk you back in to the relationship or he will act like it is completely ok for you to go. Just remember you know his true colors and you deserve better. You know it and believe me he does too.

Controlling men can be dangerous, it starts verbally and manifest into a physical thing 9 times out of 10. Spare yourself.

Love,

Miss J

For those of you reading this who feel you may be in a potentially unhealthy relationship check out the signs here.

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you know if you are just going through a rough patch in your relationship or if it is time to give up and move on?

A: Dear Stay or Leave,

Deciphering between a “rough patch” or “the beginning of the end” may be the toughest internal conflict to deal with in regards to a serious relationship.

All relationships experience rough patches – ALL! Ever encounter those couples who say, “Everything is great! We have no complaints and are absolutely in love!”? Side eye. If you have been in a long-term relationship (18 months or longer) and haven’t experienced a rough patch, I don’t believe you or you’re lying. Only two options.

The easiest way to help solve this problem is to reflect on the number of rough patches that have occurred within the last 6-12 months of your relationship. If you and your partner have been spending more time arguing, irritated or unhappy rather than enjoying each other’s company, chances are it may be time to move on. Relationships shouldn’t be a burden. It should NEVER feel like a chore. Relationships are supposed to be fun. As I have mentioned in previous posts, relationships require work, but the work should be enjoyable!

Maybe it’s time to have “The Talk”. Express your concerns and why you are unhappy. Ask if he feels the same. After the conversation, decide what is the best plan of action. Listen to your heart. You can stay, you can leave. Just don’t deceive yourself.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye, 

Yikes, that’s a tough one!

A rough patch can be an internal conflict, or something that has to do directly with your partner. It is important to first decipher which of those it really is.

The real difference between a rough patch and “The End” is whether or not you decide to call it quits.

In reality a rough patch can last for years, there are plenty of people who sit in stagnant relationships. It takes both parties to get out of a rut, if you both aren’t willing to participate then you will both be sitting in it.

Of course there will always be ups and downs, thats a given. There is no way to escape it, whenever you have two individuals make a commitment together there are bound to be some bumps along the way; but that’s just it you two have made a COMMITMENT TOGETHER. There may be moments when one person is pulling more weight than the other because of a life event, but other than that you should be even keeled.

On a personal level, if you feel you can no longer grow with a person and you have been unhappy and unpleasant to be around for an extended period of time then it is probably a good idea to immerse yourself into some serious introspection. What are you missing and is it something your partner can help you obtain? If not then it is probably best for you and your significant other if you take some time apart.

If there is abuse of ANY kind, end it. That is no rough patch, that is a rough person and it is not your job to fix them. Move on.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012