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How Do I Break Up With My Girlfriend?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been with a girl for a very long time.I really do love her, but I know I cannot be with her forever, or any longer. What was once a young fun love has turned into a chore. I am tired and frustrated with this relationship. I just don’t know HOW to break up with her, since she is so amazing to me. So what do I do and how do I do it?

Thanks,
Almost Single

A: Dear Saying Goodbye Isn’t Easy,

Breaking up with someone is never fun. Getting broken up with is even worse.

We’ve all seen the Maury Povich shows where the men are asked to take a lie detector test to prove they are innocent from cheating on their significant other. 99.1% of all the men who have ever been tested usually fail with flying colors, which then leads to the women having full emotional breakdowns on stage and telling their man the relationship is over. When the emotions are high and the proof is clear, it seems as the decision to break up is a no brainer. However, several of the couples will be featured on a follow-up show and the two will still be together!

What’s the point I’m trying to make? The reason(s) we may break up with someone vary in scale, but despite how clear the reasons are — letting go of someone you love isn’t easy.

And how am I so sure? Let’s take a trip down memory lane…

Six months into our relationship, I tried breaking up with Miss J. I attempted to explain why I didn’t want the relationship to continue, but I couldn’t get my words out. We went back-and-forth for a few and decided I wasn’t quite ready for the break up. It sounded good, but I wasn’t ready.

Fast forward to a year later — break up attempt #2. I wanted freedom and was tired of being in a relationship. This time I was able to get the words out. Miss J was clearly upset and I didn’t know what to do next. I left the room, spoke to my mother for about 30 minutes, then rescinded the break up.

Fast forward two years — break up attempt #3. We graduated college and were living 50 miles away. Every little thing was starting to bother me about Miss J…everything. I didn’t want to talk on the phone, didn’t want to text, didn’t want to see her. Like you, I was frustrated and felt like the relationship had become a chore.

At this point, I was 100% sure I didn’t want to be in this relationship any longer, yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. After two failed attempts and three years of teeter-tottering, it wasn’t until Miss J sent me an email in the early morning hours explaining her frustrations that I was finally able to actually do it. Even though I knew in my head what I wanted, it took almost the perfect setup to make happen.

The reason you don’t know how to break up with your girlfriend is because you are scared and selfish. You’re frustrated and probably a bit miserable, but releasing her to the world of millions of other men who would date her in a heartbeat isn’t something you want to feel or accept. You aren’t willing to run the risk that if the two of you break up, this very well may be the last time she will be your girlfriend.

Holding on to someone you love for selfish reasons is the worst thing you can do for both people. It’s time for the two of you to grow individually, separately. Life teaches us the best lessons through pain and difficulty; grab your pen and paper and start taking notes.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want To Get It Over With,

My father has always told me when it comes to dating either one of two things are going to happen.

  1. You Break Up.
  2. You Get Married

Once you have decided you are probably not going to marry a person or spend the rest of your life with them in any capacity, inevitably, you are going to break up. I know it’s sad, but you are not doing your girlfriend any favors by trying to spare her feelings for the moment. You are going to have to rip the band-aid off at some point, and whether it’s today or two months from now, it is still going to hurt.

You said she is amazing to you, if you really want to do her a favor let her go. Tell her you care for her and you don’t want to hurt her, but her love deserves reciprocity and that’s not something you can offer.

Love,

Miss J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ26gAc7BtU]

 

© LoveJays 2013

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A Broken Engagement and A Broken Heart

Q: Dear Love Jays,
Hi, thank you guys for your great advice. I’m here once again for more advice. I was engaged and in love, but he happened to be a very jealous and controlling boyfriend. I thought that things would have gotten better after I told him how I felt and how I wanted us to have a healthy relationship. Things got extremely bad. 🙁 . A few weeks later, I found out he had profiles on more than 5 hook up (sexual) sites. I couldn’t believe it. It broke my heart. I called the wedding off and we’re no longer together. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but he’s already posted ads to hook up with girls and have one night stands. Its like, did I ever mean anything to him? The worst part of all is that I still care for him and I miss him. I’m scared that years from now I’ll regret leaving him. Am I wrong to feel and think this way?

A: Dear My ex-fiancé was controlling, jealous and posted ads to have one night stands with other women, yet I miss him and may regret leaving him,

I’m going to keep this real brief – respect yourself.

You were in love. You were engaged to be married. You committed 5 years of your life. It’s hard and it’s not fair, but you owe yourself the opportunity to be loved, respected, and admired by someone who truly understands the meanings of those words. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed that you still care and love him – be encouraged at your power to love even when someone hasn’t given you any reason to love them. Imagine the love you will demonstrate towards the person who loves you just the same?

You must stand firm on your two feet and boldly proclaim and understand your worth! Fall back in love with you. Learn from your mistakes. Grow wiser. Smile. Change is patiently awaiting.

Fear is crippling and will prevent even the strongest people from moving forward, but those who conquer fear usually never regret it.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Going to Regret This?,  

I am willing to bet years from now, if you had not left him, you would regret staying. Give yourself some credit and trust your first instinct. Your gut told you that you were better than how he was treating you and you deserve better. Guess what? Your gut was right!

Men like that know how to manipulate you; of course he is still telling you he loves you. He even may think that he does. But ask yourself this, is the way he loves you/is capable of loving you well enough for you? The answer is no. Every woman worth her grit deserves more than that.

It is normal for you to still have feelings for him, after all you were engaged. Try not to confuse your feelings of loss with regret. Sometimes those feelings do go hand in hand, but in this case you dodged a bullet. You could have ended up spending the rest of your life dealing with issues like this, but instead you broke it off and the possibilities of finding a genuine and healthy love are endless.

So, will you regret choosing happiness? Doubtful. Hang in there and stay strong! 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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R&R after a Break Up

Today’s post is inspired by a question we received yesterday and a conversation I had with  a newly single friend, the question was as follows: 

 “I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?”

Mr. J and I both responded with wait, reflect, and go from there; but I did not really go into full detail as to why those steps are so important. I want to explain (from a woman’s perspective) why it is imperative to take time as a young woman for yourself.

I am speaking from my experience as a woman in her early twenties, but I am sure everyone will be able to pull a little something from this post.

It’s no secret that about a year ago, Mr. J and I broke up. I saw it coming from a mile away, but when it finally hit, it hit hard. In the beginning I was devastated; crying on the floor (full out fetal position-pathetic, I know) and absolutely heartbroken. Once I was able to accept what was happening, I found I was completely and utterly emotionally exhausted and it was not from all the crying. I had been emotionally draining myself for months and I was not even aware of it. This is common for breakups; most of us try to hold on to what we have because we are afraid of loosing it, no matter the cost. 

When my relationship started going down hill, I was only focused on Mr. J’s happiness. I stopped paying attention to what I really wanted and was doing everything in my power to try to make it work.  After all, that’s what love is right? Wrong! Not only was I not loving Mr. J right, I was also not loving myself right.

After this realization something amazing happened, I focused on “me”. I have always had great self-esteem, but there was something missing. I rediscovered myself, which was an interesting development because I was not aware I lost myself in the first place. I found that I had grown, the last time I focused on myself I was only 18, just a girl. Now I was a woman with a lot to offer and proud of it. I thoroughly enjoyed immersing myself in all things Joy. I discovered I am strong, passionate, confident,capable and best of all I was able to finally understand I did not need anyone to be all of those things. Those qualities belong to me. Of course I was willing to share, but I could sleep easy knowing I was a complete woman with or without any man – and a darn good one at that!

As time passed and I explored my identity further, I had yet another light bulb moment and that was that I actually LIKED myself! From there, loving myself was easy. I essentially dated myself. I got to know myself, went out a few times, found a few new hobbies, and voilà…there it was… Love. 

Now the relationship I have with Mr. J is ten times better because my happiness is not dependent on his. I am not afraid of being alone, and most importantly, I have discovered my worth as a woman and nothing can take that away from me. Ever. 

I encourage all women going through a breakup to really take advantage of the time you have afterwards. Yes, it is important to reflect on your past relationship and understand what you can do in the future in order for your next relationship to remain as healthy as possible. But, the best thing you can do for yourself and your next relationship is have YOU together. 

Best Wishes to you all. 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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(Ex)press Yourself

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Here’s a doozy for you. So my ex and I have been back and forth for about two years. There is a multitude of issues, but we never seem to completely break it off. We have real feelings for each other, but can never seem to get on same page. I guess what I’m asking is, can this ever work?

A: Dear Back and Forth,

It’s been two years and despite the “multitude of issues”, the two of you have remained interested in each other and have attempted at developing a relationship. It’s obvious there is a strong connection you share (two years is a lot of time to waste with someone who we don’t care about), but it’s important to evaluate the entire scope of the “relationship”. What is keeping the two of you going back-and-forth? Are the motivations for continuing selfish? What are the multitude of issues and can they be overcome? I can’t stress it enough, communication is critical. Effective communication unlocks doors to conversations that lead to progression and actualization.

The motivation behind submitting this question already indicates your interest in solving the problem that has caused much confusion and headaches along the way. It’s time to put the raincoat on and embrace the storm head-on. It’s unfair to both parties to continue wasting time, if the relationship cannot grow into something stable and enjoyable. Identify the good, the bad and the ugly – then decide the appropriate steps that need to follow.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Case of the Ex, 

The answer to your question,”Can this ever work?” is up to you guys. Let me try and help you break it down.

You have been dating on and off for two years, you have multitude of issues, you have real feeling, and you are never on the same page?!

Dating on and off:  If it’s circumstantial (i.e. you will be gone for a year on a mission trip and then she will be gone for a year for work), that’s a different story. I am assuming that is not the case. To be on and off simply because you can’t get along long enough to stay “on” is not a promising sign. Chances are as things start to get heated again you remember why they became your ex in the first place. 2 years of the same pattern, do you really want to sign on for 2 more?

Multitudes of Issues: You mentioned you have a lot of issues , but you said nothing about working on them. Problems do not go away on their own. If you really ever want a future together you have to start to work through the pile of issues. It is hard work, but it also happens to be the price of a happy relationship!

You have feelings: Congrats, that’s awesome! But what feelings? Are you in love, lust, infatuation, extreme like or are you just comfortable?

You are Never on the Same Page: This is another not so promising sign. Beyond the frustration of not seeing eye to eye, you have to look at the fact that you both are struggling to find a happy medium.  No happy medium, no happy couple.

So can you guys make it work? Yes. Are you willing to put the work in to make it work? It’s up to you. Is it worth it? Debatable.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Why and How?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?

A: Dear Loaded Question,

When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.

Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Long Term, 

I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.

There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?

The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.

Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Miss J

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I Want You Back

Q:Dear Love Jays,

This woman and I dated for about two years and I ended things for what seemed like a deep-rooted clash at the time, but really had more to do with deep-rooted hurt and insecurities that I never dealt with from the previous relationship.

After a few months apart, prayer, meditation and a few timely books I was able to come to terms with myself, my shortcomings in the relationship, and finally found peace from the hurt I held onto for so long.

I met with the recent love and apologized and owned up to everything mentioned above. She was receptive but I know it caught her off guard. I wasn’t me, and now I can see I didn’t give her the best of me…and she loved me through it. Now I’m in a better place and want to, and can honestly give the best of me. But I obviously hurt her and she is adamant about not being together.

However, her actions don’t match her words. We went from not talking at all, to at least once a day and she even initiated taking a day trip together over the past month and some. But there are moments when she really keeps me at bay, trust issues from me leaving I assume…

I’M 100% in this and am truly able to commit my life to her…but she still keeps me at arms length. Advice?

A: Dear Ready to Prove my Love,

I was standing in your exact position just under a year ago. My relationship with Miss J had ended and I was left searching for answers to questions I never wanted to ask myself. It was a difficult two months, but it opened my eyes to all my insecurities and forced me to challenge the person I was becoming. Like you, prayer and reflection led me back to Miss J and I haven’t looked back since that November day.

But let’s be real, though I haven’t looked back, it took many months for Miss J to truly believe I was ready to be the man she needed. She only knew the old me – the one who caused her pain and never fully loved her; the one who she wanted to be with, but didn’t have a relationship with God; the one who appeared to have it all together, but was actually broken. She knew that man for 3.5 years and I expected her to immediately believe that I was ready to commit to her after only two months apart. Not only is that a selfish request, it’s virtually impossible as well.

It takes time, patience and prayer. I truly believe we wouldn’t be writing this blog if developing a relationship with God and prayer was not at the center of our relationship. It has helped guide us down a healthy path and has opened our hearts to love each other more abundantly than ever.

Your woman is still hurting and she has every right to hurt. She will show glimpses that may indicate things are getting better, but the road to recovery is very long. You said you are 100% ready to commit to her, so you also need to be 100% ready to be patient and work through any obstacles she places in your way. PROVE to her you are ready to love her and will NEVER leave her again. It will be difficult. It will be frustrating. It will test you. But through perseverance, the two of you will build a relationship 10x stronger than it was in the past. Lean on Him for strength and you will get your queen back!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Give me a Second Chance,

Mr. J and I had a similar problem. We split for two months and he came back a “changed man”. How was I supposed to just believe him after he spent so much time confused and unappreciative of who I was and the love I gave him for all those years? Was I expected to just trust what he said was true?

Oddly enough the answer was yes, I was supposed to trust him; not only by what he was saying, but by what he was showing me as well. I can tell you from being on the other side of the situation it is not easy. A lesson women learn early on is that a man will say anything to get back with you (especially if you are doing well) and if he burns you once he will burn you again. This lesson is the changed man’s worst nightmare.

My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Slowly gain her trust back day by day, let her know you are here for her. Say what you feel, but also show her…CONSTANTLY. I know when I was in that state of mind I needed constant reassurance. During our break up, I reunited with a part of myself I thought I had lost. I figured out during that time that I really really do like me for me. When he came back, I was scared I was going to have to give that up.  I was really happy he was back, but I was really hurt he left in the first place. I had a hard time understanding the fact he really changed, he wasn’t just saying it to get me back so he could hurt me again. HE WAS SERIOUS! He was patient, kind, understanding and supportive. He made it his mission to mend the damage he did to my heart. On top of all that, he proved he loved all the progress I made, he loved all of me and wanted to share all of himself with me. That was what really sealed the deal, the realization that he wanted me to be the best version of myself. He did not want me to be with him if it cost me any happiness and he has made sure of that until this day.

It seems like she is coming around. Don’t press her for any commitment; right now just focus on gaining her trust. Keep praying and prove to her you are for real for as long as it takes. If it is meant to be you guys WILL eventually get back to a good place.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012